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@frusdil can you give an example or elaborate on the way your husband expresses his emotions?
Sure :)

Intense emotions overwhelm him, and he'll just shut down. He doesn't understand them or how to manage them. So if I'm really upset about something, he doesn't always know what to do, especially if he's the cause of my upset. It has its advantages though - he is able to have intense conversations without getting flustered or upset, which is a plus, especially if I'm very emotional.

If we are having a convo about something, and he's trying to tell me something that he feels I've done wrong, or I could improve on, I tell him he needs to choose his words very carefully, because he can be very blunt and upset me - I know he doesn't intend to, but in the moment that doesn't always help lol.

In relation to many things, while he may not necessarily understand my feelings on something, he always respects them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
Sure :)

Intense emotions overwhelm him, and he'll just shut down. He doesn't understand them or how to manage them. So if I'm really upset about something, he doesn't always know what to do, especially if he's the cause of my upset. It has its advantages though - he is able to have intense conversations without getting flustered or upset, which is a plus, especially if I'm very emotional.

If we are having a convo about something, and he's trying to tell me something that he feels I've done wrong, or I could improve on, I tell him he needs to choose his words very carefully, because he can be very blunt and upset me - I know he doesn't intend to, but in the moment that doesn't always help lol.

In relation to many things, while he may not necessarily understand my feelings on something, he always respects them.
Thanks for sharing!
 

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My interpretation of his need for trust and control is that throughout his life he has been hurt and singled out because of his difference. I have been getting informed about Aspies, and it sounds like they are bad at lying; they blurt what's on their mind,
Be careful here. I have DH, a niece, and a few other Aspies I've picked up along the way. Don't generalize. Get to really know your particular Aspie.

I know a couple excellent Aspie liars. I also know some Aspies won't say what's on their mind for fear of upsetting the listener. Some have learned a bit about what upsets or may upset the normies and become incredibly sensitive to causing upset because it highlights their difference and is very uncomfortable for them. So, they can and will lie by omission or commission to not cause upset.


Yeah, but he also told you he's restraining himself not to run you off. It doesn't really matter why he's controlling if he's controlling. So you should just outright ask him if he has to keep tabs on women.
And then ask why.

DH could be considered controlling. He wants to know where I am, for example, because he's terrified he'll lose me. Not to another man, but to some preventable tragic health issue or accident. To him I am everything in a very real and literal sense. Due to his differences he matured mentally and emotionally later than most. Intellectually, a rock star. Emotionally? Yeah. Sigh. I am his only real adult relationship. He's effectively nonfunctional without me. He truly believes without me he would have no one and nothing because he's different and I've always handled everything, the real life adulting everything, he can't. The fear of losing me is very, very, real to him. It's like a matter of his own survival. It's primal. So, I make sure he knows when I'm leaving and where I'll be. I don't mind. And if he says he'd feel better if I took a certain route because X road has been chock full of idiots in cars then I'll take that route to make him feel better.

The "small talk" will probably always be a struggle but then you'll have the hour+ deep discussions that you mentioned.
So very true!
DH is a truck driver so we talk for hours while he's at work thanks to headsets. Small talk is meh, but the long discussions and sharing of random thoughts are awesome.

My Aspie wife does not like surprises, nor does she like pre-planned events. Which can make things interesting to say the least. ;)
Same. I can get away with small surprises with only deer in headlights while he tries to process and react appropriately, but yeah.



As an Aspie parent it breaks my heart to think my daughter鈥檚 issues will be considered more trouble than she is worth. Sigh. I get it, but it is hard to read.
The right guy will think she's worth every bit of the trouble. Everybody else can kick rocks.

He acknowledges that him staying in touch with his exes has caused jealousy and problems in relationships. The next time we discuss this subject, I'll ask him how he managed it.
It's not about how he handled it. He doesn't think it's a problem. He knows the ex's have caused issues in previous relationships. He still keeps them around.

Yeah, the exes need to be discussed further, I know. This is a dealbreaker for me. Once we have an in-person discussion, I'll bring this up and see where it goes.
Been there. Failed. It took some time. Basically, DH didn't understand why ex's are a dealbreaker and I was young and assumed he understood far more than he did about human relationships and feelings. This lead to frustration and arguments.

I finally told him "Look, for me, once a person has become a lover they cannot be "just a friend". You can't unring that bell. You've crossed the touch barrier, making it easier to do so again, and you've shared an intimate bond. If you're staying in contact with former romantic partners that says to me that you're still bonded to them and that you haven't fully let go and moved on. I am territorial and possessive. I won't tolerate maintaining bonds with other women."

At the end of the day it really boiled down to have a real committed relationship with me and jettison the past or not.

Have this discussion sooner rather than later.
 

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Get the poly question resolved in a gentle way with him. Ask questions about things his previous partners pushed him to do that he was uncomfortable with. If poly was one of them, he could be generalizing that all women desire that, even though they don't.
Aspieness is a continuum, not a "have it or not" condition. The relatively recent trend of identifying, classifying, and diagnosing it has IMHO done more harm than good, because once diagnosed the person is then purposely treated differently and in a way separated from "normal" (hah!) people, guaranteeing they won't as easily develop integrative skills. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. As an example, think about 50-80 year old famous Aspies who were not treated differently and how well they do/did. Temple Grandin, Isaac Asimov, Dan Akroyd, Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Denver, James Taylor, etc.....

Yes, they are very different in a relationship. But that means they are less-skilled at some things, but better at others vs. people who are less-Aspie.
 

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Be careful here. I have DH, a niece, and a few other Aspies I've picked up along the way. Don't generalize. Get to really know your particular Aspie.

I know a couple excellent Aspie liars. I also know some Aspies won't say what's on their mind for fear of upsetting the listener. Some have learned a bit about what upsets or may upset the normies and become incredibly sensitive to causing upset because it highlights their difference and is very uncomfortable for them. So, they can and will lie by omission or commission to not cause upset.




And then ask why.

DH could be considered controlling. He wants to know where I am, for example, because he's terrified he'll lose me. Not to another man, but to some preventable tragic health issue or accident. To him I am everything in a very real and literal sense. Due to his differences he matured mentally and emotionally later than most. Intellectually, a rock star. Emotionally? Yeah. Sigh. I am his only real adult relationship. He's effectively nonfunctional without me. He truly believes without me he would have no one and nothing because he's different and I've always handled everything, the real life adulting everything, he can't. The fear of losing me is very, very, real to him. It's like a matter of his own survival. It's primal. So, I make sure he knows when I'm leaving and where I'll be. I don't mind. And if he says he'd feel better if I took a certain route because X road has been chock full of idiots in cars then I'll take that route to make him feel better.



So very true!
DH is a truck driver so we talk for hours while he's at work thanks to headsets. Small talk is meh, but the long discussions and sharing of random thoughts are awesome.


Same. I can get away with small surprises with only deer in headlights while he tries to process and react appropriately, but yeah.




The right guy will think she's worth every bit of the trouble. Everybody else can kick rocks.


It's not about how he handled it. He doesn't think it's a problem. He knows the ex's have caused issues in previous relationships. He still keeps them around.


Been there. Failed. It took some time. Basically, DH didn't understand why ex's are a dealbreaker and I was young and assumed he understood far more than he did about human relationships and feelings. This lead to frustration and arguments.

I finally told him "Look, for me, once a person has become a lover they cannot be "just a friend". You can't unring that bell. You've crossed the touch barrier, making it easier to do so again, and you've shared an intimate bond. If you're staying in contact with former romantic partners that says to me that you're still bonded to them and that you haven't fully let go and moved on. I am territorial and possessive. I won't tolerate maintaining bonds with other women."

At the end of the day it really boiled down to have a real committed relationship with me and jettison the past or not.

Have this discussion sooner rather than later.
You can certainly ask why, but not too many people can stand the pressure of being under that kind of control no matter what the reason. It's a waste of life time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #47 ·
Be careful here. I have DH, a niece, and a few other Aspies I've picked up along the way. Don't generalize. Get to really know your particular Aspie.

I know a couple excellent Aspie liars. I also know some Aspies won't say what's on their mind for fear of upsetting the listener. Some have learned a bit about what upsets or may upset the normies and become incredibly sensitive to causing upset because it highlights their difference and is very uncomfortable for them. So, they can and will lie by omission or commission to not cause upset.




And then ask why.

DH could be considered controlling. He wants to know where I am, for example, because he's terrified he'll lose me. Not to another man, but to some preventable tragic health issue or accident. To him I am everything in a very real and literal sense. Due to his differences he matured mentally and emotionally later than most. Intellectually, a rock star. Emotionally? Yeah. Sigh. I am his only real adult relationship. He's effectively nonfunctional without me. He truly believes without me he would have no one and nothing because he's different and I've always handled everything, the real life adulting everything, he can't. The fear of losing me is very, very, real to him. It's like a matter of his own survival. It's primal. So, I make sure he knows when I'm leaving and where I'll be. I don't mind. And if he says he'd feel better if I took a certain route because X road has been chock full of idiots in cars then I'll take that route to make him feel better.



So very true!
DH is a truck driver so we talk for hours while he's at work thanks to headsets. Small talk is meh, but the long discussions and sharing of random thoughts are awesome.


Same. I can get away with small surprises with only deer in headlights while he tries to process and react appropriately, but yeah.




The right guy will think she's worth every bit of the trouble. Everybody else can kick rocks.


It's not about how he handled it. He doesn't think it's a problem. He knows the ex's have caused issues in previous relationships. He still keeps them around.


Been there. Failed. It took some time. Basically, DH didn't understand why ex's are a dealbreaker and I was young and assumed he understood far more than he did about human relationships and feelings. This lead to frustration and arguments.

I finally told him "Look, for me, once a person has become a lover they cannot be "just a friend". You can't unring that bell. You've crossed the touch barrier, making it easier to do so again, and you've shared an intimate bond. If you're staying in contact with former romantic partners that says to me that you're still bonded to them and that you haven't fully let go and moved on. I am territorial and possessive. I won't tolerate maintaining bonds with other women."

At the end of the day it really boiled down to have a real committed relationship with me and jettison the past or not.

Have this discussion sooner rather than later.
Thank you for your detailed input and great advice throughout. From your last point (about exes), I assume that your husband finally dropped the exes, right? I am possessive too, and I won't tolerate this either. I'll steal some of your explanations :D when I bring up the subject again, which will be probably the next time we meet.
 

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Discussion Starter · #48 ·
Get the poly question resolved in a gentle way with him. Ask questions about things his previous partners pushed him to do that he was uncomfortable with. If poly was one of them, he could be generalizing that all women desire that, even though they don't.
Aspieness is a continuum, not a "have it or not" condition. The relatively recent trend of identifying, classifying, and diagnosing it has IMHO done more harm than good, because once diagnosed the person is then purposely treated differently and in a way separated from "normal" (hah!) people, guaranteeing they won't as easily develop integrative skills. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. As an example, think about 50-80 year old famous Aspies who were not treated differently and how well they do/did. Temple Grandin, Isaac Asimov, Dan Akroyd, Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Denver, James Taylor, etc.....

Yes, they are very different in a relationship. But that means they are less-skilled at some things, but better at others vs. people who are less-Aspie.
Yes, I agree that AS is way more complex than the clear-cut classifications want it to be. I've been reading about it lately, and you confirm this complexity. Thank you for explaining this!

Poly is the second dealbreaker for me. My sense is that we are going to be in the friendzone for a long time before deciding whether a relationship can work.
 

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he said that he hates casual sex because trust and control are crucial for him in a sexual relationship, so he takes his time knowing the person before getting intimate with her. He also said he has been previously in poly relationships, and he believes that relationships should not be locked down. My reply was that this is a dealbreaker for me; I won't enter in a poly and will leave a relationship if my partner proposes polyamory. He then kind of backed and said that poly relationships make him uncomfortable and he tries to discourage them, but has no philosophical objections to them, so he ends up consenting to having them although reluctantly.
He seems normal enough to be able to detect when he has crossed the line with someone. I hate it when guys change their tune when they discover they're not in agreement with you. That's a dealbreaker for me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #50 ·
You can certainly ask why, but not too many people can stand the pressure of being under that kind of control no matter what the reason. It's a waste of life time.
Starting with a friendship and getting to discuss the details of a potential relationship relieves the pressure and gives each of us time to explore and negotiate.
 

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You can certainly ask why, but not too many people can stand the pressure of being under that kind of control no matter what the reason. It's a waste of life time.
I never felt controlled. I go where l please, when I please. I just do DH the courtesy of letting him know where I'm going, give a general idea of when I'll be back, and follow his advice on routes that aren't a hot mess that particular day.
Thank you for your detailed input and great advice throughout. From your last point (about exes), I assume that your husband finally dropped the exes, right? I am possessive too, and I won't tolerate this either. I'll steal some of your explanations :D when I bring up the subject again, which will be probably the next time we meet.
If he hadn't dropped the ex's I wouldn't be here talking about him. I was that serious.
 

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@coquille ,

First, I just want to commend you for being open to the possibility of some sort of relationship with someone who is slightly different. You would be surprised how many very neat, but slightly different, people there are who are just passed by or not seen. I get it, we all have an idea of what we want in a partner, and we don't often think "I want someone who is differently abled so I can adapt and take care of someone for the rest of my life." LOL But just having that open heart to say "Wow, there could be a VERY cool person here, and I don't want to just pass on by" is commendable, in my mind.

Second, I do not have first hand experience with an Aspie or Autistic partner, but I have ADHD myself, and my nephew is an Aspie, and my Beloved Buddhist is deaf, so I have a lot of people whom I love who are differently abled. What I found works for me (for myself and for the people I love) is: to accept them for WHO they are AS they are. By that I don't mean that people can never change, but rather, to just say to my own self "This is the way they are...can I just accept that?" Most of the time, I can and do find a way to adapt and overcome (that's an Army phrase). For example, Beloved Buddhist is deaf and he wears his hearing aids all day--by the time he comes home, he's a little brain tired from "trying to hear" all day, so he likes to take his ears off. :p I adapt by using that as an opportunity to talk in his ear. I know I have to look right at him (so he can read lips a little), can't have my back turned to him, and honestly, if I want to say something, I to walk right up to him and talk in his ear. He adapts by bending down a little so I can reach his ear! :) He is WHO he is and AS he is. Same for my Aspie nephew. Sometimes he just gets overwhelmed with all the adulting or overwhelmed with emotions, so I have learned to recognize "overwhelmed" and say "I want you to know I love you and am ready to help in any way you need, but for a little moment I'm going to give you a little space just to breathe." For some reason, to him, when I say that word "breathe" he hears that...otherwise he spirals. He's not being mean or abusive or controlling...he just is WHO he is AS he is.

In the end, to me, I don't mind blunt, because even though it's a little rough around the social edges, you know where you stand. To me, I don't mind a little social awkwardness either because I'm an introvert and I like picking one person whom I love and being with them. To me, I don't mind setting clear boundaries and rules about OUR relationship, and that doesn't mean there has to be agreement on every, single thing. Nope, it's more like "We have put up this fence around our relationship--that's the rule--but whatever we grow inside the fence is okay with us."

Final thought: I think the truly GREAT relationships do start off as friendships, so going this route is likely the very most healthy thing you can do, both for you and for him. Don't forget, whether you're friends or lovers, part of it is protecting him from your weaknesses too. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #53 · (Edited)
@coquille ,

First, I just want to commend you for being open to the possibility of some sort of relationship with someone who is slightly different. You would be surprised how many very neat, but slightly different, people there are who are just passed by or not seen. I get it, we all have an idea of what we want in a partner, and we don't often think "I want someone who is differently abled so I can adapt and take care of someone for the rest of my life." LOL But just having that open heart to say "Wow, there could be a VERY cool person here, and I don't want to just pass on by" is commendable, in my mind.

Second, I do not have first hand experience with an Aspie or Autistic partner, but I have ADHD myself, and my nephew is an Aspie, and my Beloved Buddhist is deaf, so I have a lot of people whom I love who are differently abled. What I found works for me (for myself and for the people I love) is: to accept them for WHO they are AS they are. By that I don't mean that people can never change, but rather, to just say to my own self "This is the way they are...can I just accept that?" Most of the time, I can and do find a way to adapt and overcome (that's an Army phrase). For example, Beloved Buddhist is deaf and he wears his hearing aids all day--by the time he comes home, he's a little brain tired from "trying to hear" all day, so he likes to take his ears off. :p I adapt by using that as an opportunity to talk in his ear. I know I have to look right at him (so he can read lips a little), can't have my back turned to him, and honestly, if I want to say something, I to walk right up to him and talk in his ear. He adapts by bending down a little so I can reach his ear! :) He is WHO he is and AS he is. Same for my Aspie nephew. Sometimes he just gets overwhelmed with all the adulting or overwhelmed with emotions, so I have learned to recognize "overwhelmed" and say "I want you to know I love you and am ready to help in any way you need, but for a little moment I'm going to give you a little space just to breathe." For some reason, to him, when I say that word "breathe" he hears that...otherwise he spirals. He's not being mean or abusive or controlling...he just is WHO he is AS he is.

In the end, to me, I don't mind blunt, because even though it's a little rough around the social edges, you know where you stand. To me, I don't mind a little social awkwardness either because I'm an introvert and I like picking one person whom I love and being with them. To me, I don't mind setting clear boundaries and rules about OUR relationship, and that doesn't mean there has to be agreement on every, single thing. Nope, it's more like "We have put up this fence around our relationship--that's the rule--but whatever we grow inside the fence is okay with us."

Final thought: I think the truly GREAT relationships do start off as friendships, so going this route is likely the very most healthy thing you can do, both for you and for him. Don't forget, whether you're friends or lovers, part of it is protecting him from your weaknesses too. :)
Thank you for your thoughtful post and for sharing your personal experience. I tried to date using OLD for three years, and was in two relationships that didn't work, but from which I learned a lot. After the last breakup I don't feel like going back to OLD because of several reasons, one of which is that this kind of dating creates an artificial and superficial environment where two people dress up and go out on dates where they show the best of themselves and each tries to read between the lines to spot red flags or to identify something that makes them want to go on a second date. I want to experience dating the way it was before OLD; I want to meet someone in real life, see them handle real life experiences, and go on daily activities in ordinary life, because I think this is how we can bond and how I can see the real them and they can see the real me. Going through friendship with this guy will allow us just this: real life experience. Plus, we have a bunch of friends in common, so we can plan group activities and we can see each other functioning as a part of a group without having to go through the dating rituals and steps. So yes, I am confirming what you said. I actually read an article about a research that has the same findings.

And you are absolutely right re: my weaknesses! YES, he has been hurt enough during his life. I don't want to add to his pain by failing to understand him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #54 ·
In the end, to me, I don't mind blunt, because even though it's a little rough around the social edges, you know where you stand. To me, I don't mind a little social awkwardness either because I'm an introvert and I like picking one person whom I love and being with them. To me, I don't mind setting clear boundaries and rules about OUR relationship, and that doesn't mean there has to be agreement on every, single thing. Nope, it's more like "We have put up this fence around our relationship--that's the rule--but whatever we grow inside the fence is okay with us."
Great advice! thanks!
 
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