[justonelife]

It's been a few days since my H and I have had sex. Last night I came home from work to find porn on the laptop. It's no big deal, I can't blame him because I've been a bit tired this week. He was going out for the evening with a buddy and I decided to try to flirt with him a little and be his own personal porn star when he got home.

So I go about my evening, work out, shower, put on some perfume and a set of lacy bra & panties that I know he likes. Then I text him a picture of me in the panties as a preview. No response.

I finally get a call to pick him up because it's raining outside and he doesn't want to walk home. So I have to get dressed and go out in the rain to pick him up. Then he offers to give his buddy a ride home too so we don't get home for another 30 minutes and I'll admit that I was a bit miffed at this turn of events and it probably showed.

We get home and I'm hoping that the picture had some effect and he would make a move. But he proceeds to look at some packages we got in the mail, look at our new dishwasher, etc. By the time we get to bed, I'm so disappointed and feeling rejected that it totally ruined the mood. He said he liked the picture but got the impression from my mood while picking him up that I wasn't feeling receptive to any advances. This might be valid, it was all just bad timing I guess.

My question is - it seems like every time I try to wear a sexy outfit or do something a little flirty or dangerous, he either doesn't seem to take action or he gives me this smile like "oh, isn't she adorable, she's trying to be sexy" rather than "DAMN, my woman is hot, I must have her NOW". I know he is attracted to me but how do I tell him that sometimes I want him to TAKE me. Maybe I just really suck at seduction. I don't know what to do to make him take me seriously. He just seems to think I'm being cute.

Any advice?

 

[kingsfan]

For this one particular incident, I actually agree with him. Maybe he could respond right away to your text. I mean, he's with his buddy, and likely in a public setting I assume, so maybe he's worried about someone else seeing what you sent, or seeing what he's writing back if he's at all shy. Then, when you go to get him he reads you as being "unreceptive" so he's likely conflicted on what to do and decides to go (what he thinks is) the safe route and not do anything. Makes sense to me, and frankly when he said he didn't think you were receptive, that should have been your cue to tell him that you are and you are upset because of what happened. As you said, likely just a miscommunication. Unless you said "this is waiting for you at home tonight" he may have thought it was something as just a tease or maybe something for tomorrow/later.

If however this has happened a lot, which you seem to indicate in your last paragrapgh, then I suggest you spell it out very clearly for him. You want him to WANT you. Not think you're cute, or what you did was nice. No, you want him to come racing home in the pouring rain, rip his clothes off, grab you, sling you over his shoulder and go pound you harder than Omaha Beach.

Frankly, if my fiancee said that I'd leave her in shellshock for a good week and she'd be walking like a bowlegged cowboy.

In a nutshell, start communicating using words with him, as it seems like you isn't getting your subtle clues.

 

[Blanca]

I'm in the same boat. Whenever I come on to my H he gets turned off, even though he always tells me he likes it when i come on to him. I have told him what I want/need from him but after telling him a million times I've stopped. It just makes things more awkward and I end up getting upset. I don't come on to him anymore or send him pictures. I did that for awhile and it was really hard at first. But now he will tell me when he wants me to wear something and that seems to work much better.

I think my H has performance anxiety and even though he liked the idea of me coming on to him, he didn't know what to do with me. Once I backed off completely he started to come out of his shell.

But as a side note, my H was always looking at porn in the beginning of our marriage. Our sex life was dismal because he was always jacking off to porn. When I found out I tried to incorporate it, be the porn girl, etc but that just led to tons of fighting. I came to the conclusion that he was going to have to chose me or porn - that was sort of the choice he was already making.

 

[justonelife]

I have told him what I want/need from him but after telling him a million times I've stopped. It just makes things more awkward and I end up getting upset.

Blanca - Exactly! I feel like I should just stop trying because it just makes me feel worse. Maybe I should just let him come to me. But I hear so many guys on TAM that wish their wives would be more open to new things and be sexy, dress up, etc. I don't want him to get bored with me so I'm trying to be playful but then I end up feeling silly or rejected.

No, you want him to come racing home in the pouring rain, rip his clothes off, grab you, sling you over his shoulder and go pound you harder than Omaha Beach.

Kingsfan - Can you talk to my hubby for me? :smthumbup:

 

[jman]

So I go about my evening, work out, shower, put on some perfume and a set of lacy bra & panties that I know he likes. Then I text him a picture of me in the panties as a preview.

Sigh. Wish I had this type of "encouragement"

Sorry, nothing to add as far as advice..

 

[kingsfan]

Kingsfan - Can you talk to my hubby for me? :smthumbup:

I fear I'd be left with an expression like I have in my avatar....

 

[justonelife]

I guess I just need to talk to him but I want him to WANT me without me having to tell him, ya know? I think he does but he is worried about being polite or something? I don't know. Another time I put on nothing but his football jersey and was laying on the bed when he came in. His first reaction was kind of an amused smile. Don't be AMUSED dammit! Be turned on!

I tried to sort of tell him this last night and I think he felt bad. He does want me but maybe he doesn't show it the way I want him to show it.

I guess we just need to talk about it some more.

 

[kingsfan]

Did he have a bad relationship before you, where he was constantly rejected? Or have you constantly rejected him in the past? Negative reenforcement is tough to break.

 

[justonelife]

As for past relationships, I have no idea. As for me, I don't think I reject him very often but I do think it may be a little bit of fear of rejection on his part. The trouble is, I think sometimes he is being SO careful to try to read my signals that he may *think* I'm not in the mood and therefore not even bother initiating. So I think there are times he may feel rejected when I haven't even done anything specific or even know that he was looking for sex. Does that make sense? On the weekends, he'll usually initiate but during the week, he mostly waits for me to initiate because I think he's worried that I'll be tired or whatever.

Sometimes I want him not to care quite so much. I know that sounds bad but it's a turn on for me to know that he wants me so bad that he MUST have me now. But he's worried about being rejected so...there we are.

 

[kingsfan]

Write him some sex coupons and tell him that unless you are dying or the house is burning down he can cash these in at any time and won't be rejected. They are 100% guaranteed. If that doesn't get him to initiate, then take him for a CAT scan...

 

[ohiodude]

Sorry, but if MY wf did that (sexy lingerie and photo) I'd be all OVER that! I would APPRECIATE! Then I'd JUMP her.
Unfortunately, my wf would never think of/do that.
Your hubby doesn't know what he is missing.
[sigh...]

 

[romantic_guy]

If my wife did that I'd be all over it also!! My wife rarely thinks about sex because (like many women) she responds much more than she initiates. Besides that I rarely give her a chance!!

 

[40isthenew20]

If my wife texted me a picture like that, I'd be on my way home. But that doesn't mean that your H has to do the same. That woud be out of character for my wife. If you have done that before, maybe he is just used to it. But it's a great idea.

 

[Toffer]

Crap

I should have the "problems" your husband has!

 

[Shiksa]

I get the "lingerie doesn't do much for me" so I don't bother. Naked is my way to go. I too get the cute speech. I've never heard the "you're hot" comment in the over 23 years together. We are still working on this part of our relationship. I can't get enough...