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Secretly Videotaped

44K views 112 replies 46 participants last post by  Jirish 
#1 ·
First off, my husband and I have been together for about 8 years and have two kids.

About a year ago I suspected he was secretly videotaping me because I found a hidden camera/thumb drive in our home. He claimed he found the thing at work- and treated me like I was crazy. He even got offended and angry with me for suspecting such a thing. I believed him.

A couple of months later it happened to be laying on the floor next to his night stand. We were literally just about to have sex when I saw him pick it up and place it ON the nightstand pointing at us. I called him out and he responded "Oh I was just picking it up!"

When prodded later he continued to deny videotaping me- of course telling me I was the crazy one. He once again, would get really angry at me for questioning him. He would make me feel like I was betraying him by not trusting him. I couldn't question him without him getting extremely defensive and turning it around on me. I had to let it go because I had no proof.

A month or two later (about 6 months ago), I found yet a new and different thumb-drive recording device place 'just so' in the top of his closet, pointing at the bed. I then found a hidden file on it- of us having sex. I ripped apart the room and also found numerous of the little memory cards for the drive hidden in his dresser, yet no more videos.

I immediately e-mailed him because at the time he was at work, and asked him again if he was video taping me, and again turned it around like "how dare I accuse him of such a thing." He swore up and down he would NEVER do such a thing to me etc... I felt so incredibly manipulated! Especially because THREE times I'd asked him and he turned it around on my, and I was left feeling like a horrible un-trusting wife for questioning him.

Upon presenting my evidence, he confessed.
He confessed to have been video taping our sex for the past TWO YEARS.

Now during this time he was video taping me, we had been going through a rocky period. My father passed away and a depression (plus meds) left me with a lack of sex-drive. I felt extremely alone and once the sex decreased, it caused a lot of problems. I continued to try, yet felt resentful because he didn't ever seem to care about what I was going through or how I was feeling, only whether he got laid and how good it was. If I ever said 'no,' it would be a fight and he would accuse me of "not trying." I was so angry because i WAS putting forward effort. I felt like he was always holding sex over my head... and never willing to hear me when I said we really needed to work on our relationship in order for me to feel close to him. When I found out he was video taping me, I felt I never really DID matter to him.

In the end was left feeling extremely manipulated and used, and that sex mattered more to him than me; his wife. Why else would he sabotage our entire relationship? He had always been very sex driven, and would get nasty with me if I would turn him down. He also watches porn, and I fear he may have put videos of me up online. Of course he says he didn't, but how can I trust him? I probably would have even left him if it wasn't for the kids.

This past 6 months, I've done my best to work through it, but I can't seem to trust him. I've convinced myself that he doesn't see me as a real or equivalent person- that he has zero respect for me. I, of course, also question his love. In the end, he has made me feel worthless.

We've gone on fine on a day-to-day basis, but it comes up once in a while. He swears up and down he's sorry, and has realized how much it hurt me. I KNOW he's sorry. He explained he got caught up in the excitement of it and never stopped to think about how it might hurt me.

Also- still, every so often he gets very angry with me for still being mad and un-trusting, and gets pissed if I bring up how it still makes me feel. He thinks I should "get over it" or "move on" because it's been 6 months. He says he loves me and he made a mistake... but this was a TWO YEAR mistake, not just oops one time.

How am I supposed to feel? Am I over-reacting? Should I learn to move on and forgive him, believing him when he showers me with all the "I love yous and I'm so sorrys?" How would you feel?
 
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#2 ·
He betrayed you, so I think you are valid to still have these feelings. However, I think this is being swept under the rug too. Two years is an awful lot of taping, and what was he doing with all of it? Any idea if he uploaded some of them onto any of the porn sites? If he's also into porn, this should be a valid concern.

You are right that it was not "just a mistake". He deliberately made the decision to tape the two of you in secret for a long period of time.

The feelings and healing mechanisms are most likely very similar to infidelity. You may want to move this to CWI. Even though it does not involve infidelity with a 3rd person, it is still a betrayal on a very deep level. How is your husband getting help for this? Are you two in counseling? Sounds like he needs some help.

How is he rebuilding the trust with you?
 
#5 ·
If it had happened only once I might be able to forgive it. But 2 years of taping? I would not be able to handle that. That's huge.

Did you confescate all of the memory cards you found? I hope so.

Does he still have a camera? If he does he needs to let you keep it under lock and key and he gets it from you when he wants to use it and gives it back to you.

Also I think he should allow you to put a keylogger on his computer so that you can monitor whether or not he puts videos of you on the internet.

Have you searched his computer for videos of you?

I'm not sure I could stay with a man who did something like that.
 
#6 · (Edited)
Yes, I took all memory cards and video taping devices. I've gone through his computer and found nothing.

I'm going to talk to him today about complete transparency.

During those two years when we were having problems, I reached out to an old friend/ex. He lived across the country and I talked to him on the phone frequently for a matter of months. I confessed, and it was nothing ever physical or even more than catching up and talking about life in general. It was me reaching out because I was lonely and YES it was very, incredibly wrong of me. I'm realize HOW wrong it was by hiding it. I should have just said something. But because I did this... he justifies his own behavior of video taping me the whole time. I fear this has a lot to do with why we can't heal. It's almost as he sees it an eye for an eye when to me these are two completely separate instances, though both betrayals.

As for leaving- we are married, two kids, and I'm also 9 months pregnant. I was a few months along when I found out about all this. Plus I, of course, love him. Therefore I feel like I might make a huge mistake by just leaving.... is it possible for a man to do this to his wife and truly love and respect her?
 
#8 ·
So why do you think he did this behind your back?

Did he ask you and get turned down? If not, what would have been your reply? Do you have a history of him being more overtly sexual than you? Has he been shot down on a lot of other requests that set an expectation of failure?

Something made him hide this from you, regardless of whether it was right or wrong. Why do think that is?
 
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#9 ·
I was secretly video taped by my ex h as well. I never felt so violated in my life. It was so much worse then him having affairs on me. This is something that I never forgave or got over. Who knows if if he had shown his friends. I was a very shy person to begin with. It's a very very sick thing to do.

I thank God that I'm with a man I fully trust now.
 
#10 ·
Why do I think he did this behind my back?

Well, before marriage we had a great sex life. Did a lot of experimenting, dress up, pictures, photos... all that. I was open to video taping and and such, as long as I knew where they were and had control over their disposal. After a few months I would go back and delete pics and videos and such, as I was always afraid of them being found or something. Then one day I found that he'd been stashing them on a disk, hidden from me, and lying about deleting them. After that I no longer trusted him to take photos or videos and it was off limits.

We continued on with our relationship- his lie forgotten and forgiven, yet even years later I didn't trust him to videotape me or take pictures during sex. Therefore he did it behind my back.

Yes, he's always been very sexual. Even playing dress up I felt got out of hand. EVERY time we went to have sex or be intimate, he would want to me wear a certain something. I talked to him about it and we did the give-and-take. Playing dress up sometimes and plain sex others... I guess he just couldn't give up the video taping so he did it behind my back.
 
#14 ·
Look, I think this is some serious ****. But I'm not in the "dump him!" squad... not just yet any way.

He should take some intensive counseling to see why he does what he does. The oversexualness, the lies and deceit, compartmentalizing... You have to talk to him, calmly but firmly about these things. He's obviously troubled, bu you obviously love him. If he doesn't accept any change is necessary, start detaching yourself from him and hope he'll come to his senses. If he does, great. If he doesn't, that means he's unwilling to look at himself even when that means losing you.

Next, you need some IC yourself. Basically to get over this with the least emotional scarring as possible. But also to understand how you came into this situation. There seems to be serious red flags in his behaviour, but why did you overlook them?

Only after both of you have done some intense soulsearching can you even think about reconciling. If that is not the case, there will rugsweeping, blameshifting on his part, and a huge sense of distrust and emotional disconnect on your part.
 
#15 ·
Yeah Yeah, dump him, he doesn't love you, he's got no respect for you. etc. etc.
If you take ANY of this advice you may end up as miserable as this lot!....You need to ask yourself do you LOVE him still, even after he's hurt you...find out why he's done this...MAYBE just maybe this 'was' his little perversion, sure it's no excuse but he may have though it was spicing up the bedroom antics... well for him anyway......8yrs is a long time I've been with my wife for 18yrs or so and nothing makes her blush now, I HAVE ALWAYS asked her permission but to be honest I think your ONLY PROBLEM is if your hubby was being MALICIOUS..I don't think so, but you know him better!
 
#16 ·
It's a felony.
I'd file a police report and also file for a divorce, with damages.
My exH took still photos during a Skype session even after I told him several times it was a condition of the Skype session that he not record anything. During the session I asked him a couple times to make sure he wasn't taking photos. He was. What an a**. Even though nothing came of my report (and other things that happened, also felonies) it made me feel better filing and when I got my divorce I also got a freedom from harassment order. I told him if I ever see any of those documents on the internet or elsewhere, he was going to be held accountable, because there is a report of what he did and that I did not ever agree to it and that he needed to destroy all copies.

Men who do this don't deserve to be husbands.
They are not husband material.
 
#21 · (Edited)
That is some sick stuff. What I don't understand is how can one be married to someone is basically a total stranger.

Please don't allow yourself (or anyone else) to make you believe that anything you did, or didn't do, gave him an excuse to do this. This is some creepy-ass s&it and it's beyond comprehension.


I honestly cannot believe some of the things I read on this site, but I keep coming back because it's like I have a morbid curiosity about it.
 
#25 · (Edited)
From the very beginning, he should of asked you first, can I record us having sex?

If you thought about it and said yes, then good for you both, but if you would of said, no, it's personal what we do, then no it is.

By him recording you both having sex for 2+ years, denying it (lying to you) isn't cool. Not in my books anyway.

What would you do if you found out your man was slipping you a sleeping agent, and having sex with you while you slept? You ask him, he denies it. 2+ years later, yes, I have sex with you while you sleep, feet, etc. Same thing, right?

I would never do that to my wife ever. I know she is camera shy so I don't go taking pictures of her while she sleeps, ever!!!

You have to put the shoe on the other foot if you don't know if this is a good idea..............would you like it if she had anal sex with you while you slept or video taped you in the shower?
 
#26 ·
That was very painful and sickening to read.

I would be worried they were online somewhere. Where do you think all those amateur videos come from?

I would not stay just because you are pregnant. You have to think about your and the kids long term well being.
 
#27 ·
It kills me the way people on TAM are so quick to tell others to dump their spouse especially when the OP did not ask if she should. She did mention it in later post on this thread but dayum the woman has 2 kids a 3rd on the way she loves her husband and that's the advice she gets.

I was reading a thread yesterday of how a wife was taking care of a know good bum of a husband who being extremely vebally abuSive and I was just wondering how many posts it would take her to admit that he was also physically abusive and yet the TAMers were giving her advice of how she could handle the situation and advising IC and MC but noBody said dump him. Then a few posts later it came out about the physical abuse too.

OP if you love your husband and want to save your marriage don't let some of these negative nellies project their heartaches on you. Yeah you should be ticked off at your husband but if your husband is willing to stay in the marriage then I encourage you to try and work it out.
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#28 ·
You sound more tolerant of outright disrespect and sneaky behavior.

I was too - in a terrible marriage for years, and I just tolerated it, hoping things would work out. I just wish I had been on TAM during that time. I would have gotten the kick in the pants I needed to rediscover my own self-worth, and stop letting myself be walked all over and psychologically tortured.
 
#34 ·
I'm going to preface this with I am not blame shifting. You have every RIGHT to put a stop to anything you do not like in a marriage. I just want you to see something I picked up from your two major posts.

Men and women are sometimes childish when it comes to sex at times. We threaten, withhold, cajole and ration sex when we fight. Sometimes it is appropriate other times it is mean and vindictive. When I read your OP I was, and still slightly am, disgusted with his behavior. How dare he record your intimacy without your permission. The trust is destroyed, you have to worry about the internet and how can you trust him when you have sex again.

Your second post put it in the proper context. I still do not agree with what he did, but I have a better understanding of why it may have happened. You may not agree, but see if this make any sense. My wife had an Emotional Affair and I came here looking for advice. One thing everyone mentions is addiction and drug euphoria concerning the affair partner. That not only do they have to quit cold turkey, but they will go through withdrawal like symptoms. When they are forced, depending on when it is caught, they will lie, trick, make contact, and other things counterproductive to the marriage. The one thing many do is take it further underground to the point of using chat features on phone apps. That shocked me as I NEVER thought about game apps being used to cheat.

Do you see where I am going?


Again, I am not blaming you at all or excusing his actions. I'm just giving you different perspective after you said:
Yes, he's always been very sexual. Even playing dress up I felt got out of hand. EVERY time we went to have sex or be intimate, he would want to me wear a certain something. I talked to him about it and we did the give-and-take. Playing dress up sometimes and plain sex others... I guess he just couldn't give up the video taping so he did it behind my back.
You both used to engage in videotaping, dress-up and other sex games. Your GUT told you it was "out of hand." Everything was going along fine, until you found a private stash, of you, that he kept for himself. He broke the rules and you said no more photos and video. I agree with you completely on this action. Like the drug addict, He took it underground, for two years, until you became suspicious and caught him. I bet he only stopped for a few times, when you originally laid down the law and was already searching for ways to secretly record you.

Like you I knew there was an issue, but I TRUSTED my spouse and I ended up here. That's our only "mistake" we trusted them enough to make the right decision and we didn't continue to monitor their actions. In other words, we didn't make a mistake because you should trust your spouse. The one thing I have learned is I also need to trust my gut. If I would have told her then, I have a problem with you talking to this guy and set up boundaries WITH CONSEQUENCES I may not be here.

If you love him research a good individual counselors for his sex issues and you both go to a marriage counselor. Please research heavily, because there are too many horror stories of crappy help on this board. If you do decide the marriage is worth saving, after you get help, set very strong boundaries on this issue. No, it isn't being controlling it is making your marriage safe for both partners.

One other thing, 2 years is a long time for videotaping. I would have a forensic computer analyst check all your computer devices for website traces and uploads. Unless your husband is extremely tech savy, many things are never fully erased. That would ease your mind a bit, on whether he put you on the internet or not.
 
#32 ·
I do not think you should D him over this. He did lie, but he hasn't cheated, he hasn't given them to others. He has violated your truth.

He clearly has a major sexual attraction to self made porn of you: videos, pics, dress up etc. some people are into erotica, some being dominated, his thing is sell made porn.

You knew this was a big thing for him, you just didn't really understand how driven to have it he was. It's his personal sex daemon that's inside him.

What he did was 100% wrong, violating your trust. I do not think he it to either hurt you or harm you. He did it because of his inner sexual need to have those videos and pics of you.

I suggest the two of you find a therapist to work with. One the has experience in dealing with people with no traditional sexual desires, things like dealing with feitshes. And I mean sex fetish, in the sense of a strong sexual desire for inclusion of things into the sex act.

Yelling at him won't fix this, but working with a therapist to figure out what it is in him and his past that has created this overpowering need might help.
 
#33 ·
What's a marriage without trust? Well, it's a marriage without trust.
But still a marriage.
If he used these recordings for choking his chicken that's one thing and you can work through this but if he put it out there on the net you should send him packing.

I can't see him doing this without putting stuff on the net, from the number of times he's done it to his attitude. You need to find out.

Get a polygraph, it's that important.
 
#35 ·
I'm astonished at the posts here!

Sorry that your H taped you, but I am having an incredibly hard time understanding what the big deal is. Ask him to destroy the recordings, get some counseling, and maybe even get comfortable with it - share it with each other.

Is it so hurtful that he wants to relive your sexual encounters rather than looking at porn on the internet? Yes, he lied about it, but that's because he realized that you don't like it.

Sorry to make every one mad here - but to suggest to the OP that she divorce - REALLY??? No cheating, no gambling, no porn!!!
 
#38 ·
It is a felony in a lot of states, so discounting a felony perpetrated on a spouse is not very understanding. Raping a spouse is also thought of as no big deal by some.

This is a case of a husband using psychological abuse to force sex upon her when she didn't want it, and taping same. So it rises to a level much higher than simply taping consentual sex. There seems to be an element of malicious sadism involved here.

There isn't any information on what he did with these tapes so this leaves open the horrendous possibility of others watching this husband force sex upon her.

I'd be going all-out on the forensics.
 
#36 ·
Wow, and I thought I had a low self-esteem. You ask are you over-reacting. R U serious? This guy basically betrayed you, lied to you, has been a jerk with sex and clearly a pervert and you ask if you are over-reacting? The answer is no. Ditch him NOW. This is not just your run of the day mild betrayal, this is sick and illegal stuff. And, he has the gonads to get mad at you. What he is did is wrong and bad and it is not really open for discussion. LEAVE.
 
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