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First off, my husband and I have been together for about 8 years and have two kids.

About a year ago I suspected he was secretly videotaping me because I found a hidden camera/thumb drive in our home. He claimed he found the thing at work- and treated me like I was crazy. He even got offended and angry with me for suspecting such a thing. I believed him.

A couple of months later it happened to be laying on the floor next to his night stand. We were literally just about to have sex when I saw him pick it up and place it ON the nightstand pointing at us. I called him out and he responded "Oh I was just picking it up!"

When prodded later he continued to deny videotaping me- of course telling me I was the crazy one. He once again, would get really angry at me for questioning him. He would make me feel like I was betraying him by not trusting him. I couldn't question him without him getting extremely defensive and turning it around on me. I had to let it go because I had no proof.

A month or two later (about 6 months ago), I found yet a new and different thumb-drive recording device place 'just so' in the top of his closet, pointing at the bed. I then found a hidden file on it- of us having sex. I ripped apart the room and also found numerous of the little memory cards for the drive hidden in his dresser, yet no more videos.

I immediately e-mailed him because at the time he was at work, and asked him again if he was video taping me, and again turned it around like "how dare I accuse him of such a thing." He swore up and down he would NEVER do such a thing to me etc... I felt so incredibly manipulated! Especially because THREE times I'd asked him and he turned it around on my, and I was left feeling like a horrible un-trusting wife for questioning him.

Upon presenting my evidence, he confessed.
He confessed to have been video taping our sex for the past TWO YEARS.

Now during this time he was video taping me, we had been going through a rocky period. My father passed away and a depression (plus meds) left me with a lack of sex-drive. I felt extremely alone and once the sex decreased, it caused a lot of problems. I continued to try, yet felt resentful because he didn't ever seem to care about what I was going through or how I was feeling, only whether he got laid and how good it was. If I ever said 'no,' it would be a fight and he would accuse me of "not trying." I was so angry because i WAS putting forward effort. I felt like he was always holding sex over my head... and never willing to hear me when I said we really needed to work on our relationship in order for me to feel close to him. When I found out he was video taping me, I felt I never really DID matter to him.

In the end was left feeling extremely manipulated and used, and that sex mattered more to him than me; his wife. Why else would he sabotage our entire relationship? He had always been very sex driven, and would get nasty with me if I would turn him down. He also watches porn, and I fear he may have put videos of me up online. Of course he says he didn't, but how can I trust him? I probably would have even left him if it wasn't for the kids.

This past 6 months, I've done my best to work through it, but I can't seem to trust him. I've convinced myself that he doesn't see me as a real or equivalent person- that he has zero respect for me. I, of course, also question his love. In the end, he has made me feel worthless.

We've gone on fine on a day-to-day basis, but it comes up once in a while. He swears up and down he's sorry, and has realized how much it hurt me. I KNOW he's sorry. He explained he got caught up in the excitement of it and never stopped to think about how it might hurt me.

Also- still, every so often he gets very angry with me for still being mad and un-trusting, and gets pissed if I bring up how it still makes me feel. He thinks I should "get over it" or "move on" because it's been 6 months. He says he loves me and he made a mistake... but this was a TWO YEAR mistake, not just oops one time.

How am I supposed to feel? Am I over-reacting? Should I learn to move on and forgive him, believing him when he showers me with all the "I love yous and I'm so sorrys?" How would you feel?
 

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He betrayed you, so I think you are valid to still have these feelings. However, I think this is being swept under the rug too. Two years is an awful lot of taping, and what was he doing with all of it? Any idea if he uploaded some of them onto any of the porn sites? If he's also into porn, this should be a valid concern.

You are right that it was not "just a mistake". He deliberately made the decision to tape the two of you in secret for a long period of time.

The feelings and healing mechanisms are most likely very similar to infidelity. You may want to move this to CWI. Even though it does not involve infidelity with a 3rd person, it is still a betrayal on a very deep level. How is your husband getting help for this? Are you two in counseling? Sounds like he needs some help.

How is he rebuilding the trust with you?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I have no idea what he was doing with the taping. He swears it was for his pleasure only, and that he couldn't ever share me, even with other men on the internet. The problem is he'll lie and lie until I have him in the corner with the hard evidence. I have no way of figuring out if there are videos of me somewhere...

You are right, it IS being swept under the rug. Only time has passed, with a few big blow ups. I can't stand that he gets angry with me for needing to be reassured. As for rebuilding trust, other than he is saying sorry when he can and telling me he loves me, there has been nothing. He simply tells me I need to trust him, and it's on me!!

It's like he just wants it to go away and is waiting on me to get over it. I feel pressure to 'let it go' when I can't. He makes me feel like it's me who needs to learn to trust, not him needing to earn it. He's not seeking help, nor are we together.

I'm not sure what he could do to actively earn trust? How do you do that?

You're right, it's betrayal on a very deep level. Thank you for your input, this is my first time talking about it to anyone.
 

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Dump him. Get out of the relationship ASAP. If he is capable of doing that, imagine what else he is capable of doing behind your back??

There is nothing wrong with couples filming their own lovemaking, for novelty value. But to do that without mutual consent is very wrong!
 

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If it had happened only once I might be able to forgive it. But 2 years of taping? I would not be able to handle that. That's huge.

Did you confescate all of the memory cards you found? I hope so.

Does he still have a camera? If he does he needs to let you keep it under lock and key and he gets it from you when he wants to use it and gives it back to you.

Also I think he should allow you to put a keylogger on his computer so that you can monitor whether or not he puts videos of you on the internet.

Have you searched his computer for videos of you?

I'm not sure I could stay with a man who did something like that.
 

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Discussion Starter #6 (Edited)
Yes, I took all memory cards and video taping devices. I've gone through his computer and found nothing.

I'm going to talk to him today about complete transparency.

During those two years when we were having problems, I reached out to an old friend/ex. He lived across the country and I talked to him on the phone frequently for a matter of months. I confessed, and it was nothing ever physical or even more than catching up and talking about life in general. It was me reaching out because I was lonely and YES it was very, incredibly wrong of me. I'm realize HOW wrong it was by hiding it. I should have just said something. But because I did this... he justifies his own behavior of video taping me the whole time. I fear this has a lot to do with why we can't heal. It's almost as he sees it an eye for an eye when to me these are two completely separate instances, though both betrayals.

As for leaving- we are married, two kids, and I'm also 9 months pregnant. I was a few months along when I found out about all this. Plus I, of course, love him. Therefore I feel like I might make a huge mistake by just leaving.... is it possible for a man to do this to his wife and truly love and respect her?
 

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So why do you think he did this behind your back?

Did he ask you and get turned down? If not, what would have been your reply? Do you have a history of him being more overtly sexual than you? Has he been shot down on a lot of other requests that set an expectation of failure?

Something made him hide this from you, regardless of whether it was right or wrong. Why do think that is?
 

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I was secretly video taped by my ex h as well. I never felt so violated in my life. It was so much worse then him having affairs on me. This is something that I never forgave or got over. Who knows if if he had shown his friends. I was a very shy person to begin with. It's a very very sick thing to do.

I thank God that I'm with a man I fully trust now.
 

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Why do I think he did this behind my back?

Well, before marriage we had a great sex life. Did a lot of experimenting, dress up, pictures, photos... all that. I was open to video taping and and such, as long as I knew where they were and had control over their disposal. After a few months I would go back and delete pics and videos and such, as I was always afraid of them being found or something. Then one day I found that he'd been stashing them on a disk, hidden from me, and lying about deleting them. After that I no longer trusted him to take photos or videos and it was off limits.

We continued on with our relationship- his lie forgotten and forgiven, yet even years later I didn't trust him to videotape me or take pictures during sex. Therefore he did it behind my back.

Yes, he's always been very sexual. Even playing dress up I felt got out of hand. EVERY time we went to have sex or be intimate, he would want to me wear a certain something. I talked to him about it and we did the give-and-take. Playing dress up sometimes and plain sex others... I guess he just couldn't give up the video taping so he did it behind my back.
 

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it possible for a man to do this to his wife and truly love and respect her?
do you really need to ask?

Your situation is dysfunctional and very unhealthy. He treats you with contempt and you ask the question above.

This would be a complete deal breaker for me.
 

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I suspect that what he's sorry for is that he got caught. Not for what he did.

I'm in the "dump him" camp. You could try marriage counseling to try to rebuild things, though. Rebuilding trust is tough, though.

C
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Um!!! Depending on where you live, this is illegal!!!! I would be gathering up some documentation about your life with him and walking to the police station! How DARE your HUSBAND do this to you!
 

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Look, I think this is some serious ****. But I'm not in the "dump him!" squad... not just yet any way.

He should take some intensive counseling to see why he does what he does. The oversexualness, the lies and deceit, compartmentalizing... You have to talk to him, calmly but firmly about these things. He's obviously troubled, bu you obviously love him. If he doesn't accept any change is necessary, start detaching yourself from him and hope he'll come to his senses. If he does, great. If he doesn't, that means he's unwilling to look at himself even when that means losing you.

Next, you need some IC yourself. Basically to get over this with the least emotional scarring as possible. But also to understand how you came into this situation. There seems to be serious red flags in his behaviour, but why did you overlook them?

Only after both of you have done some intense soulsearching can you even think about reconciling. If that is not the case, there will rugsweeping, blameshifting on his part, and a huge sense of distrust and emotional disconnect on your part.
 

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Yeah Yeah, dump him, he doesn't love you, he's got no respect for you. etc. etc.
If you take ANY of this advice you may end up as miserable as this lot!....You need to ask yourself do you LOVE him still, even after he's hurt you...find out why he's done this...MAYBE just maybe this 'was' his little perversion, sure it's no excuse but he may have though it was spicing up the bedroom antics... well for him anyway......8yrs is a long time I've been with my wife for 18yrs or so and nothing makes her blush now, I HAVE ALWAYS asked her permission but to be honest I think your ONLY PROBLEM is if your hubby was being MALICIOUS..I don't think so, but you know him better!
 

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First off, my husband and I have been together for about 8 years and have two kids.

About a year ago I suspected he was secretly videotaping me because I found a hidden camera/thumb drive in our home. He claimed he found the thing at work- and treated me like I was crazy. He even got offended and angry with me for suspecting such a thing. I believed him.

A couple of months later it happened to be laying on the floor next to his night stand. We were literally just about to have sex when I saw him pick it up and place it ON the nightstand pointing at us. I called him out and he responded "Oh I was just picking it up!"

When prodded later he continued to deny videotaping me- of course telling me I was the crazy one. He once again, would get really angry at me for questioning him. He would make me feel like I was betraying him by not trusting him. I couldn't question him without him getting extremely defensive and turning it around on me. I had to let it go because I had no proof.

A month or two later (about 6 months ago), I found yet a new and different thumb-drive recording device place 'just so' in the top of his closet, pointing at the bed. I then found a hidden file on it- of us having sex. I ripped apart the room and also found numerous of the little memory cards for the drive hidden in his dresser, yet no more videos.

I immediately e-mailed him because at the time he was at work, and asked him again if he was video taping me, and again turned it around like "how dare I accuse him of such a thing." He swore up and down he would NEVER do such a thing to me etc... I felt so incredibly manipulated! Especially because THREE times I'd asked him and he turned it around on my, and I was left feeling like a horrible un-trusting wife for questioning him.

Upon presenting my evidence, he confessed.
He confessed to have been video taping our sex for the past TWO YEARS.

Now during this time he was video taping me, we had been going through a rocky period. My father passed away and a depression (plus meds) left me with a lack of sex-drive. I felt extremely alone and once the sex decreased, it caused a lot of problems. I continued to try, yet felt resentful because he didn't ever seem to care about what I was going through or how I was feeling, only whether he got laid and how good it was. If I ever said 'no,' it would be a fight and he would accuse me of "not trying." I was so angry because i WAS putting forward effort. I felt like he was always holding sex over my head... and never willing to hear me when I said we really needed to work on our relationship in order for me to feel close to him. When I found out he was video taping me, I felt I never really DID matter to him.

In the end was left feeling extremely manipulated and used, and that sex mattered more to him than me; his wife. Why else would he sabotage our entire relationship? He had always been very sex driven, and would get nasty with me if I would turn him down. He also watches porn, and I fear he may have put videos of me up online. Of course he says he didn't, but how can I trust him? I probably would have even left him if it wasn't for the kids.

This past 6 months, I've done my best to work through it, but I can't seem to trust him. I've convinced myself that he doesn't see me as a real or equivalent person- that he has zero respect for me. I, of course, also question his love. In the end, he has made me feel worthless.

We've gone on fine on a day-to-day basis, but it comes up once in a while. He swears up and down he's sorry, and has realized how much it hurt me. I KNOW he's sorry. He explained he got caught up in the excitement of it and never stopped to think about how it might hurt me.

Also- still, every so often he gets very angry with me for still being mad and un-trusting, and gets pissed if I bring up how it still makes me feel. He thinks I should "get over it" or "move on" because it's been 6 months. He says he loves me and he made a mistake... but this was a TWO YEAR mistake, not just oops one time.

How am I supposed to feel? Am I over-reacting? Should I learn to move on and forgive him, believing him when he showers me with all the "I love yous and I'm so sorrys?" How would you feel?
It's a felony.
I'd file a police report and also file for a divorce, with damages.
My exH took still photos during a Skype session even after I told him several times it was a condition of the Skype session that he not record anything. During the session I asked him a couple times to make sure he wasn't taking photos. He was. What an a**. Even though nothing came of my report (and other things that happened, also felonies) it made me feel better filing and when I got my divorce I also got a freedom from harassment order. I told him if I ever see any of those documents on the internet or elsewhere, he was going to be held accountable, because there is a report of what he did and that I did not ever agree to it and that he needed to destroy all copies.

Men who do this don't deserve to be husbands.
They are not husband material.
 

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Yeah Yeah, dump him, he doesn't love you, he's got no respect for you. etc. etc.
If you take ANY of this advice you may end up as miserable as this lot!....You need to ask yourself do you LOVE him still, even after he's hurt you...find out why he's done this...MAYBE just maybe this 'was' his little perversion, sure it's no excuse but he may have though it was spicing up the bedroom antics... well for him anyway......8yrs is a long time I've been with my wife for 18yrs or so and nothing makes her blush now, I HAVE ALWAYS asked her permission but to be honest I think your ONLY PROBLEM is if your hubby was being MALICIOUS..I don't think so, but you know him better!
Most of us are not unhappy.
We are incredibly happy to live in a country where we can legally sever our ties to people who break laws and also break trust, which is a moral quality necessary to have an equal and rewarding relationship between two people. It is a sacred bond.
 

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Most of us are not unhappy.
We are incredibly happy to live in a country where we can legally sever our ties to people who break laws and also break trust, which is a moral quality necessary to have an equal and rewarding relationship between two people. It is a sacred bond.
And one that you have probably bent, one way or another, in your marriage as well. As we all have, intentionally or not.

Only the OP knows the full story of how big a breach of trust this amounts to. Personally, I think that something you were OK with in the past and later change your mind about is certainly less egregious than a never allowed activity.

Blowing up your marriage over advice you get on a free internet site is something you had better be really sure about. What the OP can take away here is that everyone thinks this is wrong and needs to be dealt with - on HER terms.
 

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First off, my husband and I have been together for about 8 years and have two kids.

About a year ago I suspected he was secretly videotaping me because I found a hidden camera/thumb drive in our home. He claimed he found the thing at work- and treated me like I was crazy. He even got offended and angry with me for suspecting such a thing. I believed him.

A couple of months later it happened to be laying on the floor next to his night stand. We were literally just about to have sex when I saw him pick it up and place it ON the nightstand pointing at us. I called him out and he responded "Oh I was just picking it up!"

When prodded later he continued to deny videotaping me- of course telling me I was the crazy one. He once again, would get really angry at me for questioning him. He would make me feel like I was betraying him by not trusting him. I couldn't question him without him getting extremely defensive and turning it around on me. I had to let it go because I had no proof.

A month or two later (about 6 months ago), I found yet a new and different thumb-drive recording device place 'just so' in the top of his closet, pointing at the bed. I then found a hidden file on it- of us having sex. I ripped apart the room and also found numerous of the little memory cards for the drive hidden in his dresser, yet no more videos.

I immediately e-mailed him because at the time he was at work, and asked him again if he was video taping me, and again turned it around like "how dare I accuse him of such a thing." He swore up and down he would NEVER do such a thing to me etc... I felt so incredibly manipulated! Especially because THREE times I'd asked him and he turned it around on my, and I was left feeling like a horrible un-trusting wife for questioning him.

Upon presenting my evidence, he confessed.
He confessed to have been video taping our sex for the past TWO YEARS.

Now during this time he was video taping me, we had been going through a rocky period. My father passed away and a depression (plus meds) left me with a lack of sex-drive. I felt extremely alone and once the sex decreased, it caused a lot of problems. I continued to try, yet felt resentful because he didn't ever seem to care about what I was going through or how I was feeling, only whether he got laid and how good it was. If I ever said 'no,' it would be a fight and he would accuse me of "not trying." I was so angry because i WAS putting forward effort. I felt like he was always holding sex over my head... and never willing to hear me when I said we really needed to work on our relationship in order for me to feel close to him. When I found out he was video taping me, I felt I never really DID matter to him.

In the end was left feeling extremely manipulated and used, and that sex mattered more to him than me; his wife. Why else would he sabotage our entire relationship? He had always been very sex driven, and would get nasty with me if I would turn him down. He also watches porn, and I fear he may have put videos of me up online. Of course he says he didn't, but how can I trust him? I probably would have even left him if it wasn't for the kids.

This past 6 months, I've done my best to work through it, but I can't seem to trust him. I've convinced myself that he doesn't see me as a real or equivalent person- that he has zero respect for me. I, of course, also question his love. In the end, he has made me feel worthless.

We've gone on fine on a day-to-day basis, but it comes up once in a while. He swears up and down he's sorry, and has realized how much it hurt me. I KNOW he's sorry. He explained he got caught up in the excitement of it and never stopped to think about how it might hurt me.

Also- still, every so often he gets very angry with me for still being mad and un-trusting, and gets pissed if I bring up how it still makes me feel. He thinks I should "get over it" or "move on" because it's been 6 months. He says he loves me and he made a mistake... but this was a TWO YEAR mistake, not just oops one time.

How am I supposed to feel? Am I over-reacting? Should I learn to move on and forgive him, believing him when he showers me with all the "I love yous and I'm so sorrys?" How would you feel?
Interesting thread.My wife recently discovered I had recorded us having sex as well.But I actually recorded the AUDIO,and not the video.She got upset a little then thought it was kind of funny.I might start my own thread.....
 

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Yeah Yeah, dump him, he doesn't love you, he's got no respect for you. etc. etc.
If you take ANY of this advice you may end up as miserable as this lot!..
..You need to ask yourself do you LOVE him still, even after he's hurt you...find out why he's done this...MAYBE just maybe this 'was' his little perversion, sure it's no excuse but he may have though it was spicing up the bedroom antics... well for him anyway......8yrs is a long time I've been with my wife for 18yrs or so and nothing makes her blush now, I HAVE ALWAYS asked her permission but to be honest I think your ONLY PROBLEM is if your hubby was being MALICIOUS..I don't think so, but you know him better!
I'm far from miserable. This guy lied to her for 2 years and continued to disrespect her knowing full well he was doing something against her wishes. There is so much disrespect in this story it is sad.
He sounds very malicious.
 
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