Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I got married after knowing each other for a month, and immediately moved in together this year, at 20 years old. I can honestly say I learned love at first sight was real when I saw him and he felt the same. We spent two weeks together following the first day we met. (He's military and I moved to where he is stationed) In the beginning I told my family we were married, but he wouldn't tell his for 6 months. He said they would be mad at him, and probably never talk to him again. I dealt with it, but it really upset me because I already felt like we were getting off to a bad start full of lies. We even spent a week visiting his parents, and they visited here a week, and he still wouldn't tell them. I haven't really had the best relationship with my family as both my parents have been in and out of jail, prison, and rehab. But I'd rather tell them and them be upset for a while, than not share my happiness with them. During the time between when my husband and I met and the time we got married, my dad was diagnosed with cancer so family was sort of magnified to me at that time..

Around 4 months into the marriage my husband told me I should go home and see my family. I was distraught over some other problems we had going on, we just didn't know how to respect or handle each other. I ended up going to the bar with some friends, and at some point in the night I believe I was slipped something in my drink. I was told that I could still walk and talk but was acting way out of character. I really honestly truly don't remember much at all and I want to start by saying that. I'm positive we were intimate from how I felt when I woke up the next day. I woke up at friends and don't really even remember being where I was. I wasn't really sure what to say to the guy, as I wasn't sure if he was the one who slipped me something or if it was someone else. I felt taken advantage of, but I really didn't even want to deal with the drama that could come with handling all that. All I knew was that I didn't want my marriage to end, and I had to handle things accordingly. I immediately cut off contact with the person I slept with. My husband was already questioning me over some pictures that were posted online and I was instantly scared. I couldn't bring myself to tell him, and I didn't until yesterday. I'll get to that in a few minutes though.

I cheated willingly and coherently, and still not sober in October after being sent home by him to stay with my mother because my husband couldn't deal well with my depression, and didn't want to. Over the drive to my home state, I asked to go home twice. My husband was picking up a friend who was going to stay with us for a while, and said he didn't have room to take me back and that I would just have to go. I told him I knew something bad was going to happen and I really didn't want to. He just kept telling me it was only a month and I had to go. A friend picked me up from restaurant half way between where my husband grew up and where I did, and we had drinks once we got home. That led to my cheating. I knew I had done wrong but it took me the majority of the following day to tell my husband, just because I knew how it was going to end.

(It took me two days to cut of contact with this partner, because although there weren't promises made or any talk of a relationship I did choose to sleep with this person and I was trying to figure out why. Ultimately I concluded it was just out of hurt. And also that he was not a good person. I was never considering being with him, though.)

Sorry if this skips around a lot, I haven't slept and I'm just trying to make sure I get all of the information out on the table so someone can maybe help to guide me here.

Back to my husband and what happened after I confessed.

Of course he was full of many emotions and none of them were good. He delivered many hateful blows as I tried to fix things immediately. At that point I still didn't realize how wrong I was. It took about a week and a half for me to realize texting him and begging him, and calling him and crying wasn't going to help matters. I spent the time thinking over how I could change and the person I'd become and really just doing a lot of hard reflecting. Almost exactly a month later, he called and asked me to come home. Three days later, I got a ride back here. When I walked in the door it was pretty much as if nothing had changed. There was no build up to intimacy, we were regularly having sex and sleeping in the same bed every night. We even went on dates. About a week after I returned home my husband got a text from one of his ex's, and I questioned him about it. He had informed me that he'd been with someone else while I was gone, but he said he'd ceased contact with her and that she was no one he was friends with, ever close with, or knew basically. Now, this ex was pretty serious he dated her while she was pregnant (with twins that weren't his) and visited her in the hospital after she had them. He never really told me why things ended, and I never really pushed to find out.
Following him receiving the text, it took him almost a full day to tell ME that his ex was actually the person that he'd been with. And that they'd spent time together more than once, but only slept together once during that time. He told me he didn't want to tell me until I got here, because he didn't think I'd come back if he told me. (Honestly, it would have taken some time for me to get over, but I still would have.) He said he was planning to tell me, he just couldn't find the right time. I didn't fully believe him but I had no way of knowing so I just went with my gut.

I jumped to a lot of conclusions but kept most of them to myself, prominently I wondered if things just hadn't worked out with her again and that's why he asked me back. Because there really wasn't much explanation as to what changed his mind... He blocked her number and assured me he loved me and wanted nothing to do with her. And eventually I let it go.

This was after returning home November 1, 2014. We really moved on like almost nothing happened. My cheating and his ex were brought up less and less. I really feel that we've gained a lot of trust and respect for each other during this time. I can genuinely say I've fallen more in love with him than I was before or knew possible in the past 3-4 months. I got a good job, I started being a lot more responsible about the past, I cut out toxic friendships, I've even quit smoking cigarettes because he said he'd leave me if he didn't. I've enrolled in school again through a military program. I've been working a lot on coping with my depression and anxiety. I truly believe that I've become a completely different person. I don't even recognize that person who did those things to hurt her husband anymore. I could never imagine doing that to him now. But that secret I was keeping from him ate at me all this time, the guilt just got to be too much.

Yesterday we were at lunch and my stomach just instantly froze up, I couldn't eat a single bite of my food and I knew it was time to tell him. I got part of the story out, but I couldn't tell him the full truth right then. I'd just told him I was drugged and not myself and things happened that I don't remember. I had to go to work directly following lunch, and he didn't even bring up what we'd talked about by the time I got home. His only reaction was I kind of deserved for it to happen for being reckless and going to the bar in the first place. The night went on, and we spend some time together and went to bed. As I was laying there, holding him, it hit me that I had to get the rest of the truth out. I knew it may hurt him but I couldn't decieve him any longer. I told him, and he obviously freaked out. He said that he wasn't even mad, that I had just completely broken his heart. And why didn't I tell him when it happened? My first question for him was if he was going to leave me. He said the only reason he would probably stay with me was for me to get my education and get a good job for myself. I proceeded to tell him that I have never wanted any benefits from him, I'm not one of those "greedy military spouses" that only marry for benefits and don't care about their husband.

I tried my best to explain to him why I hadn't told him sooner. I told him that I wasn't that person anymore, and that deep down he had to know that. I told him that I believed everything before we reconciled should be in the past because we weren't telling people we were married, and that really caused us to not act like it. That I didn't expect him to forget, but I hoped he could forgive because I truly do love him. I was as accountable for my actions as I could be, and tried my best to be understanding of how he felt at the same time. I just wanted to get out what I felt was important to say. He didn't have much response to the things I was saying except for "no" and "okay" but he didn't tell me he was leaving me either.

He allowed me to sleep in our bed with him but we were as far apart as we could be and both lie awake for a long time.

This morning he left for work and I texted him and told him to drive safe and have a good day as always. But I didn't include that I love him because I don't think he believes me anymore, and I don't know if I should say it right now.

I really love him. He's become my best friend and I am truly in love with him. I realize more and more every day how much I want him to be apart of my life. I would be financially okay without him, I could get an education elsewhere, and either parent would let me come home to stay until I got back on my feet. But I don't want to be without him at all.

Yes, I hurt him twice. But I do believe that I deserve a second chance, or would this be a third?

I guess I just need some advice and opinions. There's no way I can go back and handle the situation differently. But if there's any chance of saving this, I have to. Because I won't be happy without him, and I don't want to marry again. I've had that decided for a long time, due to the way I grew up. I know that I'm young but I also know that I've been through a lot for my age, and I know what real love is and I know that this is the life that I want. I'm completely dedicated to being a wife now, and I have made all the changes I've needed to make, and even things I didn't need to do to keep my husband.

Although I kept this from him for a long time, am I at least right in telling him? And would you take someone back given these circumstances if you could put yourself in either of our shoes?
What should I do for the time being? Should I keep working even though he could send me home any day? Or would it be better to put in a two weeks notice now? Should I cancel my classes? Should I try to talk things out with him or let him come to me? I don't think there's any point in continuing the life I'm living if I could be ripped from it any day. But if I stop doing these things I feel like I'll have no chance with him because I'll go back to that depressed girl who eventually got reckless and drug me into all of this in the first place.

Opinions, comments, anything is welcome.

Sorry this was so lengthy. I felt the full story was important.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
806 Posts
Although I kept this from him for a long time, am I at least right in telling him? And would you take someone back given these circumstances if you could put yourself in either of our shoes?
reckless and drug me into all of this in the first place.

Opinions, comments, anything is welcome.

Sorry this was so lengthy. I felt the full story was important.
No.

That was easy, your welcome.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,258 Posts
Do you best to be loving and supportive. You just dropped a bombshell on him. It will take time to process his feelings. I do believe you did the right thing by telling him. For a marriage to work there has to be honesty and openess. I wouldnt cancel any classes at this point if they are bought and paid for. Give him some space and time. I wish you both the very best.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
885 Posts
A marriage starting with lies and being built on lies is headed for failure.

It sounds like you both are too young and too immature to be in a serious and commited marriage. MAYBE with intense counseling you could have a decent relationship but it sounds like too much unhealthy drama too me.

Get a divorce and start over with this man. If it works out, great.

Thinking there is such a thing as live at first sight is your first mistake. It doesn't work that way. This is real life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,098 Posts
I'm with Rugs on this...to be honest the fact that alcohol was involved in both instants of your cheating (yes i know the first was questionable in regards being slipped into your drink) regardless of that fact you may be someone where alcohol impairs your judgement, which would suggest that you have a drinking problem. In addition when you reference in your story that "something bad was going to happen" would suggest that you knew on some level that if the opportunity came up your morals would lossen up. personal i think that you didn't feel married, that this marriage was just a label and there was nothing behind it, he did not do his part in involving both of you into a marriage, this does not excuse your actions you have your own issues, but he does as well. i think it is time to break up and just date and see where that goes....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,502 Posts
Sounds like you both have your share of issues. That's not going to make it easy.

Being honest like you have is the right thing to do. But it doesn't make up for the past harms, just brings them to light.

All you can do now is work on your issues and build better boundaries so you don't cheat again.

Even with that, there is still him. It up to him to accept that you are sincere and work through his pain. And he has his own poor boundaries, just because you remain faithful from this day forward doesn't mean he will.

Can it work out? Anything is possible. But the effort required by both of you will be high. You can't just pretend nothing happened. You have to talk it through until you both understand with great clarity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,813 Posts
I suggest you cut ties now before it gets any worse with things like children involved. Military life is hard enough without the added burden of a family to take care of when little love exists. He doesn't have enough respect or love for you to tell his parents that he married you (or was he hiding it in case something better came along in the meantime?). You also don't have enough love or respect that you could own up to your mistakes when he had owned his. I find it odd that you start to reveal your cheating, but then turn the focus to him and his cheating (seems to soften the blow about your actions and the judgement passed onto you) before returning to your description of your cheating.

I also find it odd that you seemed to "know" that you were going to cheat willingly the second time, like you had already decided going into it and he was ultimately responsible as he didn't take you home to be watched over.

Even after he revealed all, you still withheld and let him believe you were faithful for sometime afterward instead of revealing the truth. You put yourself into situations where cheating is possible, you try to pass the blame for your cheating onto others (someone drugged you, you think, then he forced you to be in the situation with the other person whom you willingly cheated on). I see these as major character flaws and actions that you put yourself into the situation to make them a possibility and then followed through with them.

You are too young and immature to have an adult relationship a this point (as is he). It is best to end the M and work on healing yourself and getting yourself right for you and your next partner. You also mention being 20 so what are you doing in a bar without your H drinking? Seems you have a problem with alcohol as well and controlling yourself.

It is great that you have changed (or you at least think you have), but this is the first year of your marriage, should be the honeymoon phase of your life, and instead you have cheated twice (yes it is two times, if the first were an actual rape and you were concerned about it, you would have sought out legal action when it happened instead of acted like nothing took place) on your H and are still questioning if your M is a good idea and should be salvaged. The answer is easy. NO!.

You say you have somehow made a huge change in yourself and your being without any help by him or anyone else. I just don't think you are capable art this stage in you life, but if so I commend you. The fact though that he seems apathetic to you and only wants you around until you get an education and good job, sounds more like and arrange marriage than one built on true love. I was in the military and can say that the idea of getting more money and out of the barracks is appealing enough that many will marry just for that option and this may be the case with your H.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
If we separate, we will be in two different states 8 hours apart. I know that dating won't be an option between us because of the rightful jealousy issues. It just wouldn't be possible for him. I would miss him too much also. Separation will be final. There's no doubt about that.
Yeah my drinking was addressed and I actually quit months ago I forgot to mention that.

When I said I knew something was going to happen I did not forsee cheating on him, no. Before I ever cheated on him in the first place he always got mad at me and said I was going to. Before I even gave him reason to believe I was capable of doing so.

The thing is the real boundaries have been set and worked out these past few months since confessing to cheating. I rely am a completely different person and WILL NOT hurt him like that ever again.

Yes we were immature in the past and sti having growing up to do but we have both grown a lot in the past few months trying to make our relationship better. I reize I should have told him before so he could make the decision to take me back then, and I won't make excuses for that or anything else..

I just really don't want to lose him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I think you misread if you think I was trying to direct attention to him cheating before I continued my story. I was only trying to address that he has kept things from me too.
And his parents do know we're married now. He told them after he asked me back in October.
That's what I'm saying, we both have been working really hard to correct what was wrong, because of all that has happened. That's why I was scared to tell him in the first place, but I did.. Because I didn't want to lose him. I think that should count for a bit of responsibility and maturity right there..?
And I know that I was drugged. I just don't know who did it. And it honestly doesn't matter anymore i would rather just have it over with and out of my life now that the truth is out.
He gets to stay out of the barracks now regardless... Why would he have taken me back if he didn't love me or want to be with me or work things out? That doesn't even make sense.
I'm not blaming anyone for what I've done but myself. I take accountability for all of it. I hit rock bottom I lost the love of my life and I won't argue that I know that's true. And I changed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Also one more clarification, by thinking something bad was going to happen I meant with him having a buddy move into our home in my place and me being away didn't seem right and that we were going to fight. Not that I thought I was going to cheat. But whether I thought so or not I did. And that was wrong.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,981 Posts
Maybe marriage wasn't the best option?

See how things develop. You both need honesty.

You cheated and your husband treated you his wife as if you were a dirty little secret. Why'd he do that?

Cards on table by both of you and be honest!
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,098 Posts
brand, does he want to stay married....have you both sat down and honestly spoke to each other without yelling and name calling and really asked each other if you wanted to stay married...and why should either of you stay married to each other...and please don't start off with because i love him....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,813 Posts
I think you misread if you think I was trying to direct attention to him cheating before I continued my story. I was only trying to address that he has kept things from me too.
Maybe but we have seen it before here lots. It is called blame shifting. Deverting the attention away from you while trying to create a "justification". Sorry but your diversion wasn't within the time frame so why not just tell the story as it happened instead of creating this diversion along the way of not to ease the pressure on you?? That's how I read it.


And his parents do know we're married now. He told them after he asked me back in October.
That's what I'm saying, we both have been working really hard to correct what was wrong, because of all that has happened. That's why I was scared to tell him in the first place, but I did.. Because I didn't want to lose him. I think that should count for a bit of responsibility and maturity right there..?
Somewhat but why wait for weeks after he confessed and not at the same time? Was it to maintain a level of moral high ground that didn't exist except in your mind??

And I know that I was drugged. I just don't know who did it. And it honestly doesn't matter anymore i would rather just have it over with and out of my life now that the truth is out.
So it is okay to matter that someone drugged and raped you? What about their next victim, sorry bt no one gets drugged and then ends up going home with another guy (it was your "friend" that did it, otherwise he wouldn't have taken advantage of you if he didn't do it!!

He gets to stay out of the barracks now regardless... Why would he have taken me back if he didn't love me or want to be with me or work things out? That doesn't even make sense.
If you divorces he loses the extra money that he gets for you (yes their is an extra stipend for defendants and possibly since you are in school as well). I know how it works and how the military works, and the barracks . Some, depending on the ranks, have been forced back into the barracks after a divorce. I have known and seen many "prearranged marriages" for the benefit of the spouse and military personnel and on paper solely. Not saying that is yours, but it does happen and this could affect his frame of mind.

I'm not blaming anyone for what I've done but myself. I take accountability for all of it. I hit rock bottom I lost the love of my life and I won't argue that I know that's true. And I changed.
So far it is a short term change and only time will tell. I wish you the best, but it will take more than a few months to determine if this happens. You are still within the honeymoon phase and this shouldn't even be an issue at this point but unfortunately for you it is.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top