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In the interest of fairness, I'm the child of an abusive alcoholic, and it certainly affects my perspective. So...

I guess, given the additional information, I don't see him as a plan B. The way I see it, is he divorced himself from reality leaving her partner-less and coping with everything on her own when they should have been coping together. He failed her. She just filled out the paperwork to make it legal, seeing no end in sight. He'd already left her.

I don't see any harm in hearing her out, and maybe it'll be enough to get him to quit showing up at the Legion so often and finally course-correct his life.
 

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unfortunately neither one of them really worked togther on addressing the loss of their son....he turned to drinking and she to distanting herself.....i am not really sure what coming back together will resolve, they are still greifing parents who must deal with this loss. Otherwise i see them evenetually going back to their same routine. No one is breaking the cycle
We don't even know that she was distant
All we know was that he coped with alcohol.

Maybe she wanted his support but he was unavailable to her.
 

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We don't even know that she was distant
All we know was that he coped with alcohol.

Maybe she wanted his support but he was unavailable to her.
Perhaps, what i am suggesting is that we still have an impass because if both of them are not addressing their individual grief then the odd of them of couplinng again with a success conclusion is slim.
 

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Getting out these days finds me at the American Legion hall where you hear a lot of stories.

Recently a gentleman who I have had conversations with in the past shared his own divorce story and a dilemma he now faces in regards to that divorce. It seems "Ray", and that is what I will call him, recently received a phone call from his divorced wife of four years. They have talked in the past, but this time she invited him over for coffee. He thought it was odd, but decided to go. The gist of the conversation was that she wanted to know if they could see each other more, and if he would be interested in possibly dating again.

Ray is in his Fifties, and the divorce began over the death of their grown son, and his abuse of alcohol. His story was quite sad.

He asked me if I thought her options had played out and she was going back to him because those options played out, or did I think she genuinely wanted him back.

I pose the question here because the cynic in me says the former and I want to believe the latter.
A death of a child often times leads to divorce. It's a huge emotional upheaval that many aren't ready for. Your friend abused alcohol. Who knows how he was or his wife was during this time. But perhaps with time and distance the wife has a better handle on the death of her son and her feelings for Ray also perhaps Ray drinks less now.

If I was Ray and I wanted to date her, I would. They may find they can recover. The question really is does Ray know why they are divorced? Has he dealt with the death? Does he drink less now? The death itself will heal with time usually. But other issues may or may not be resolved. Dating would allow them to see if the new people who have emerged on the other side of the death of their child are still compatible.
 

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Only married 4 years so it wasn’t their child.
It’s probably nostalgia on her part. That won’t last.
There’s nothing worse than loving with a drunk. If he’s still drinking how long will it be before he gets lost in the bottle again.
 

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This thread has insufficient information for me to really form an opinion. If the OP knew the marriage well before the divorce, he might be in the best position to make a call.

What was their marriage like before? Did they deeply care for each other? Was a love for the ages destroyed by circumstances of the son's death? In that case, there might be more to go back to. If the marriage was just, "meh", then why would she want to go back to it? Is it just better than being alone/lack of alternative options?

What about his drinking? Was he never a problem drinker before, and it was a brief time of problem drinking related to the loss of the son? In that case, would his drinking be akin to, say, a wife developing a prolonged psychotic reaction after the death of a child? In either case, the adverse behavior may make the individual impossible to live with, but if confined to a certain amount of time, may be something that can be overcome with enough support. The addictive part of alcoholism poses a problem, but does your friend display addictive alcohol behavior since then, or even before then? I think there's a difference between alcohol which was misused as a tool during an extraordinary period of grief vs. alcohol use which is part of an addictive process or a long-term behavioral pattern.

Were there things that were said/done during the unraveling of the marriage that may be considered as "unforgivable" or at least huge obstacles? Things that "cannot be taken back?"

What are the basic personalities of the man and woman involved?
 

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Just an update.. he has decided in order for him to have anything to do with his former wife, he has to quit drinking. He believes in order to be with any one, the love affair with the bottle has to end.

We didn't talk long, he just mentioned it when I saw him at the grocery store, it was pretty brief.. almost like he was embarrassed.
 

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Just an update.. he has decided in order for him to have anything to do with his former wife, he has to quit drinking. He believes in order to be with any one, the love affair with the bottle has to end.

We didn't talk long, he just mentioned it when I saw him at the grocery store, it was pretty brief.. almost like he was embarrassed.
That's good. Getting a grip on his drinking is way positive.

His ex is an entirely other matter.
 

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Yeah we need to quit vilifying the wife. She left because she felt she had no other option. She lost her son to death and her husband to booze.

My dad was an alcoholic and why my mom stayed with him I will never know. She put up with far more crap than any human being should.
 

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He told me he drank himself into oblivion, never abused her physically. He drowned himself in booze and got help for it (How much help is speculative because he still drinks)

My opinion is if you can't quit the bottle, whats the use? I said as much. People look for change in my estimation, at least that far out you would think SOME change has occurred, but still hanging on to that bottle wouldn't be enough change in my opinion.

I'm still curious of the point of no return... at what point do you just walk away? No matter how much change has occurred?

I thought of my own circumstances.. how many years pass before two people see each other differently? Good or worse?
I've known two people who lost children both couples ended up divorced. There's really nothing that can shatter a person's soul more than losing a child and it seems like for a couple witnessing each others grief makes it worse. So like other people have said It probably depends on whether or not their marriage was in a good place before the loss. If it had been and the loss was the prime factor in the marriage falling apart maybe it is real. I can imagine it would take 4 years or more to get back to a more normal mental state after losing a child.

So it could be she sees him doing better, she has clearer eyes and wishes they were still together. Maybe after the divorce she has dated other people and is going back to plan A.
 
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