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He told me he drank himself into oblivion, never abused her physically. He drowned himself in booze and got help for it (How much help is speculative because he still drinks)

My opinion is if you can't quit the bottle, whats the use? I said as much. People look for change in my estimation, at least that far out you would think SOME change has occurred, but still hanging on to that bottle wouldn't be enough change in my opinion.

I'm still curious of the point of no return... at what point do you just walk away? No matter how much change has occurred?

I thought of my own circumstances.. how many years pass before two people see each other differently? Good or worse?
How long was he like this?

Did she try to help?

This is toughe.....their child died. While he drank himself into oblivion she had to cope without him. A lot of marriages wouldn't survive that.
 

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I'm still curious of the point of no return... at what point do you just walk away? No matter how much change has occurred?

I thought of my own circumstances.. how many years pass before two people see each other differently? Good or worse?
Harry, I see now you're imagining this scenario in your situation. No one can answer the question of where two people can be in some future time... where all the stars align. If you dwell on these types of things you will stagnate in your recovery. Drop the rope.

Best
 

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Maybe. We definitely are missing details, because in the first post he says the guy abused alcohol and then he said he doesn't get drunk, which is why I asked what that means.

I can appreciate the better or worse thing but I don't think one is obligated to stay with an addict.

We don't know how long he abused it, how bad it was, or anything she may have tried to help. We'd never advise someone with am addict spouse to stick around forever.

I don't think leaving an addict if you've made reasonable efforts to help is unreasonable, and when people divorce they tend to see others.

How do you know he hasn't tried out other women? Is that ok?
Without more information, I'm not in favor. The reason I have a focus on her behavior is because she divorced him and now is trying to get him back. Her behavior for the four years should be examined in light of her being the one who decided to divorce and now is trying to get it going again.

You can't always get what you want and this woman is pulling her exes strings a bit too much.
 

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Harry, I see now you're imagining this scenario in your situation. No one can answer the question of where two people can be in some future time... where all the stars align. If you dwell on these types of things you will stagnate in your recovery. Drop the rope.

Best
I think when we hear someones story we sometimes think of our own circumstances. I'm guilty of that many times as I hear stories here. I don't dwell on the past like I used to for the simple reason that I broke someone and I don't think that is recoverable.

I do however have compassion. In our quest to meet others, we come upon those that suffer from divorce much like we do. The bar probably has more than its fair share, but nevertheless, others are suffering. I told him about this web site. Who knows, he may register and tell his own story. I posted because although I still have a long road, I don't know if I'm in a place to offer good advice.. so who better to ask than folks here who have heard it all?

I wasn't off base in my assessment... and that to me is progress.
 

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He hasn't quit drinking, he doesn't get drunk, he has a couple and then he usually leaves.. who knows. I'm still a cynic, but she might actually miss him... but does that happen after four years?
She cared about him once and then she was overwhelmed by the death of her son. She may just want to see how he's doing because she cared about him once or it might be more.
 

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He told me he drank himself into oblivion, never abused her physically. He drowned himself in booze and got help for it (How much help is speculative because he still drinks)

My opinion is if you can't quit the bottle, whats the use? I said as much. People look for change in my estimation, at least that far out you would think SOME change has occurred, but still hanging on to that bottle wouldn't be enough change in my opinion.

I'm still curious of the point of no return... at what point do you just walk away? No matter how much change has occurred?

I thought of my own circumstances.. how many years pass before two people see each other differently? Good or worse?
When you have your reconcilable differences and that's not likely to change for whatever reason, that's the point of no return for many.
 

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That I don't know, but from the way it was told, he would come home and have zero clues as to how he got there... she had enough and packed her stuff and left. He got divorce papers two months later. He hasn't been with a woman since the last time he was with his wife, her? He doesn't know. I can see he still loves her, and he doesn't care who she has been with, but that love doesn't seem to get through the fact he needs to quit drinking altogether.
Ok that's bad. If it went on for years I can understand why she left honestly. If a few months and started following the death of their son, it seems harsh that she'd leave him straight up.
 

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It seems to me like she had a legit reason to get away from Ray. I also think that dating seems to get harder and harder as we get older, and she's probably looking back and thinking Ray is the best she can get, especially if he has improved his situation. That doesn't mean she wouldn't quickly change her mind once she got back with Ray, because then all the reasons she walked away will become obvious to her again.
 

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Has he truly dried out and cleaned up??

Has he and she both received treatment for their grief and have moved on to live functional lives?

Would they be able to have a functional and healthy life together now?

In a nutshell are they both different and healthy people now than what they were at the time of the divorce?

There's no shame for him that she isn't able to get with Ryan Gossling.

As harsh as it sounds, we are all our partner's 27,972,953th choice and they are ours.

If they are both in a healthy place and are compatible for each other now, then why not???
 

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Without more information, I'm not in favor. The reason I have a focus on her behavior is because she divorced him and now is trying to get him back. Her behavior for the four years should be examined in light of her being the one who decided to divorce and now is trying to get it going again.

You can't always get what you want and this woman is pulling her exes strings a bit too much.
He's since offered more information.

The guy drank himself into oblivion but it was only for 2 months which isn't very long.

My next question would be did he drink too much before their child's passing? What was the state of the marriage prior? My feeling is that she wanted out and this pushed her over the edge.

How justified that was depends on many things. Many marriages end after the loss of a child.

My fear would be that the issues are still there, so it's probably not a good idea. But he's alone, still loves her, and apparently doesn't care if there were other men during the past 4 years so don't know.

If he'd moved on with his life I'd tell him to keep going.

Thet both need a lot of counseling.
 

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Not enough to make a fair evaluation, but I'd think it's also unfair to just assume she is seeing him as a fall back.

The death of a child could really do a lot of people in. I've witnessed it personally with someone I know, so maybe I see it from a different perspective.

I've always thought it's very tough to re ignite that fire or chemistry that once was, if it's been fully extinguished. But maybe she still has feelings for the guy and now that the death has been processed to some degree, thinks it may be worth a shot? I dunno, I just think it's unfair to see the woman as trash and not worthy of any consideration.
 

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At that age, with those troubles, if they decide to have a couple dates so what. It may not work out, so what. It may, maybe they'll help each other more now, with some time to process things in their past.

It's not terribly surprising they both may want to at least get together to chat.
 

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He's since offered more information.

The guy drank himself into oblivion but it was only for 2 months which isn't very long.

My next question would be did he drink too much before their child's passing? What was the state of the marriage prior? My feeling is that she wanted out and this pushed her over the edge.

How justified that was depends on many things. Many marriages end after the loss of a child.

My fear would be that the issues are still there, so it's probably not a good idea. But he's alone, still loves her, and apparently doesn't care if there were other men during the past 4 years so don't know.

If he'd moved on with his life I'd tell him to keep going.

Thet both need a lot of counseling.
Yup. No argument about losing a child. That alone can do it without any other factors.

He might want her back but it might not be the healthiest choice he could make.
 

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unfortunately neither one of them really worked togther on addressing the loss of their son....he turned to drinking and she to distanting herself.....i am not really sure what coming back together will resolve, they are still greifing parents who must deal with this loss. Otherwise i see them evenetually going back to their same routine. No one is breaking the cycle
 
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