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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Getting out these days finds me at the American Legion hall where you hear a lot of stories.

Recently a gentleman who I have had conversations with in the past shared his own divorce story and a dilemma he now faces in regards to that divorce. It seems "Ray", and that is what I will call him, recently received a phone call from his divorced wife of four years. They have talked in the past, but this time she invited him over for coffee. He thought it was odd, but decided to go. The gist of the conversation was that she wanted to know if they could see each other more, and if he would be interested in possibly dating again.

Ray is in his Fifties, and the divorce began over the death of their grown son, and his abuse of alcohol. His story was quite sad.

He asked me if I thought her options had played out and she was going back to him because those options played out, or did I think she genuinely wanted him back.

I pose the question here because the cynic in me says the former and I want to believe the latter.
 

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Getting out these days finds me at the American Legion hall where you hear a lot of stories.

Recently a gentleman who I have had conversations with in the past shared his own divorce story and a dilemma he now faces in regards to that divorce. It seems "Ray", and that is what I will call him, recently received a phone call from his divorced wife of four years. They have talked in the past, but this time she invited him over for coffee. He thought it was odd, but decided to go. The gist of the conversation was that she wanted to know if they could see each other more, and if he would be interested in possibly dating again.

Ray is in his Fifties, and the divorce began over the death of their grown son, and his abuse of alcohol. His story was quite sad.

He asked me if I thought her options had played out and she was going back to him because those options played out, or did I think she genuinely wanted him back.

I pose the question here because the cynic in me says the former and I want to believe the latter.
I wouldn't suspect her of that at all. I mean, a lot of couples break up over the trauma of losing a child. For lots of reasons. Depression, associations, the constant reminder. I think she's healed a little and wants to see how he is and if there's anything left there.

However, if they were having big problems before this son died unrelated to the son, then I would consider other motives, of course.
 

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If they divorced over severe trauma (death of their son sounds incredibly traumatizing) and his alcohol abuse, I don’t know…she may have healed now and could see “Ray” in a new light. It may be that her other options didn’t pan out but maybe she always loved Ray but sometimes, trauma can hurt a couple to a point where breaking up seems like the only way at the time.

I don’t know if I’d recommend getting back involved with her again but I see this a little differently than the usual divorce story where infidelity was involved etc…
 

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Only based on the death of a child and his alcoholism, and since no other reasons were given... I'd say it is possible that the healing of those awful wounds would allow for some sort of a relationship. Four years is a long time and they are familiar with each other. I assume alone.

As for him being plan B... I'm pretty sure most can easily do better than an alcoholic.
 

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I don't know why she's being vilified here....their grown sin died and he was a drunk. Sounds like a good reason for her to leave.

This hardly a grass ain't greener type scenario. She might miss him, especially if he's stopped drinking.
Your work is never done
 

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I don't know why she's being vilified here....their grown sin died and he was a drunk. Sounds like a good reason for her to leave.

This hardly a grass ain't greener type scenario. She might miss him, especially if he's stopped drinking.
I think it would depend on what she has been doing for four years.

I won't vilify her but she is far from saintly to this barbarian.

She didn't just get some space and stay with friends and relatives for a while, she divorced while he was coping, negatively, by alcohol abuse.

More details could help but I'm mostly a for better or worse man and she cut and ran.

If she tried out some other men, I would advise him to keep the status quo.

I went through a trauma a while back and was nearly useless for months and abused alcohol.

Mrs. Conan did not look for something better.
 

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I think it would depend on what she has been doing for four years.

I won't vilify her but she is far from saintly to this barbarian.

She didn't just get some space and stay with friends and relatives for a while, she divorced while he was coping, negatively, by alcohol abuse.

More details could help but I'm mostly a for better or worse man and she cut and ran.

If she tried out some other men, I would advise him to keep the status quo.

I went through a trauma a while back and was nearly useless for months and abused alcohol.

Mrs. Conan did not look for something better.
Maybe. We definitely are missing details, because in the first post he says the guy abused alcohol and then he said he doesn't get drunk, which is why I asked what that means.

I can appreciate the better or worse thing but I don't think one is obligated to stay with an addict.

We don't know how long he abused it, how bad it was, or anything she may have tried to help. We'd never advise someone with am addict spouse to stick around forever.

I don't think leaving an addict if you've made reasonable efforts to help is unreasonable, and when people divorce they tend to see others.

How do you know he hasn't tried out other women? Is that ok?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
You said he was abusing alcohol.

What does that mean?
He told me he drank himself into oblivion, never abused her physically. He drowned himself in booze and got help for it (How much help is speculative because he still drinks)

My opinion is if you can't quit the bottle, whats the use? I said as much. People look for change in my estimation, at least that far out you would think SOME change has occurred, but still hanging on to that bottle wouldn't be enough change in my opinion.

I'm still curious of the point of no return... at what point do you just walk away? No matter how much change has occurred?

I thought of my own circumstances.. how many years pass before two people see each other differently? Good or worse?
 

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This one is a tricky one, many marriages don't survive the death of a child. It could be that with the passing of time the fog has lifted, and she realises she misses him.

I too would like clarification on his abuse of alcohol. Was he falling down drunk all the time, or is she a tee-totaller and couldn't tolerate his a couple of drinks type scenario.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
is she a tee-totaller and couldn't tolerate his a couple of drinks type scenario.
That I don't know, but from the way it was told, he would come home and have zero clues as to how he got there... she had enough and packed her stuff and left. He got divorce papers two months later. He hasn't been with a woman since the last time he was with his wife, her? He doesn't know. I can see he still loves her, and he doesn't care who she has been with, but that love doesn't seem to get through the fact he needs to quit drinking altogether.
 
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