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Discussion Starter #1
I really screwed up this weekend.

History...I left my 3X cheating husband a month and a half ago and I filed for divorce a month ago. He has gone back and forth between begging me to come back and being meaner than hell. My children and family HATE him for what he has done to me. I blocked his phone and filed harrassment charges. Then he called me from a different number so I started conversing with him again. First mistake.

He asked me to go for dinner Friday night, and since my daughter is gone for the weekend, I went. We ended up back at my place. Yes, we spent the night together. Second mistake. Last night, he came over for supper, third mistake, and my oldest son showed up. My son was very angry and told me that he wanted him out of here because of everything he has done to me and the family. He said he was trying to protect me.

The honest truth is that I know that this will NEVER work. HE is controlling and manipulative. He is a CHEATER. Not once, but three times. Even if he changed 100%, there is too much damage to our marriage. There is too much damage to me. I trust no one, and I will especially never trust him.

I don't understand why I did this. Why did I ever unblock the number? Why did I allow him back in? This just hurts so bad. He destroyed our marriage. I run the range of emotions. I get angry, I cry, I am in disbelief that all of this the past two years has happened. What the hell is wrong with me? Why don't I have any backbone?
 

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First off quit beating yourself up. You did it because you weren't done yet. Are you 'done' now? We do what we do and tolerate what we tolerate until we can't tolerate it anymore. Especially if he doesn't get help with his problems (counseling etc) or tried and it didn't work...it's not like you can let him back in and miraculously it's all going to be better. I've been through this...not that my guy came home all those times he left ...rather I'd go get him...and 'fix it'...just to have him be an azzwhole and run out again (not for cheating but just for being an abuser/mean) etc....

Your family wants it to end because they want to have peace and want peace in your life...and you want peace too... your 'not' going to get it with him and you know this...you go through the 'honeymoon' phase...the dinners, the talks, the sex...then the comfy comes and he starts his sht all over again and here you go...

You let him back in because you needed another ride...you still had hope...and you will continue to do so until you are 'convinced' and your heart/head catch up with each other...your family is trying to help you do that. They are trying to tell you to stop living with the disrespect and abuse...and yes,...you should. Had my azzwhole not left...I no doubt still be living miserably. I mean I'm miserable without him...funny huh...(there was a good part of him and that's the part I dwell on because I miss 'that' part of him)...but girl...'he chose' to be the man he chose to be...and it's not a 'good man'...
your husband is 'not a good man'....period.

What kind of man and life do you want for yourself? Clearly your family doesn't want this one...they've had enough...when will you have enough????
 

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Discussion Starter #3
When my brain is working right, I know I'm done. Im disgusted by all he has caused. I hate him for hurting me and the people I love. He is a liar and a major control freak. He had major issues with fidelity and basic right and wrong. I know he made these choices. He chose to hurt me...the one he vowed to love and protect. He knowingly did it over and over. There is something majorly wrong with a person who does that crap.

When my brain isn't working right, I get so lost in why all this happened in the first place. The sadness is all consuming. Then I miss him, or maybe I just miss what should have been. I go back and forth between being so angry and wanting retribution to this overwhelming sadness. I have flashbacks and nightmares and I am so tired. Everything seems so dark.

I have been on antidepressants since the first betrayal. I read a lot to try to figure all this mess out. The truth is that there IS NO REASON. There is no way to explain what has happened or why it occurred. I know I didn't do this, but I did allow it to continue. I put my kids through hell for a man who didn't give a rip about any of us. He would say he did, but his actions did not match his words.

I knew last night when he left that seeing him again was a huge mistake. I knew there was no way that this mess that he created could be repaired. I think he knew it too, or at least it appeared that was thinking that. Sometimes the damage is just too great.
 

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You know how many times I've been told to stop trying to 'wrap my head around the why's'...stop trying to figure out why they do what they do and have done what they've done. I read a lot too...and come here and read posts after posts and gain strength and wisdom for myself etc...so that does help...but we still fall short and we can still fall weak in our actions and thoughts...but then we brush ourselves off and get up and do it again and keep trying...it's hard man. I mean it's really hard. Iv'e mentioned this before...our abusers are like our 'crack'...and we need to stop reaching for the pipe. I make myself sick with the 'wanting him' and 'needing him' crap...and he's not good for me. Time and time again he's hurt me and I was miserable...and I could NOT and CANNOT figure out why I'm in love with him still...and yes your right...they 'do' 'chose' to hurt us. We cannot ever know why. They don't even know why sometimes...I know my stbxh has a dad he is molded after...he watches his dad belittle his mom and walk away (run) yanno...no communication...no sorry...even pointed this out throughout our marraige and I begged my husband...'you see this isn't right...don't be like your dad'...all this and more even preached in church/counseling etc...and my husband would do good then just 'fall off the wagon'...he'd reach for 'his' pipe. His way of life is comfortable for him. It's easier for them to do what they do...than to accept responsiblilty..with responsiblity comes work...with work comes change and some men/women don't 'want' to change...their 'sin'...is more fun.
I feel your pain...I'm living it also...I used to think if only I was a better wife...wallked more carefully on eggshells...got a thicker skin and swallowed more name calling and belittling...swept more bs under the rug and become more like his mom...(a nancy) his mom name is nancy...then I could have kept my husband...if I was merely complaint free...but it would build...and I would feel pain and hurt and lash out...and defend myself and try and talk to him and communicate to him how I wanted to clear the air etc...you know 'work it out'....but then you see...to him...that made me a btch and a complainer etc etc...so no matter what path I took I never could win...
Why we love these guys fall on 'us'...'we' need to recognize 'we' don't 'need' to love these guys...and embrace the fear of abandonment and being alone...meaning...yes we fear that...but we have to face it head on....because we really don't have a choice...and I was a great wife...and I have a lot to offer...I want to share my life...but damn...i want to be in a relationship where he's not going to walk out on me every five minutes because he stubbed his toe...
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I used to think it was just me. That there was something wrong with me. There is, of course, because I chose to be and stay with him. It was and is more than that though. I feel like there is something wrong with me. IF he loved me, he could never do that to me. IF I was loveable, then he couldnt bear to hurt me like that over and over.

He takes little responsibility for any of it. He has confronted the women that he was with since I left him. Blamed them for ruining his marriage. Then he blamed his kids for demanding his money for his attentions and causing problems. Then he actually blamed me for digging and finding out the truth. He said I just had to find the "truth". Why didn't I just let it go? He said that he knew he was finished cheating and that he couldn't hurt me again and had decided to stop it on his own...but I had to search for the truth so it was my fault. Wth? How do I get blamed for searching for truth?

I know he is bad. I know he will be the end of me if I ever went back. I was very suicidal after #2. I know I can't handle anymore. It just gets so dark. Today has been a very dark, dark day. I backslid a lot this weekend. I have to manage somehow to get back on my feet a little bit emotionally. This sooooo sucks.
 

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Listen to me woman...he wasn't gonna end sht...that's bs. He's doin his usual blame game game and u know this. You know the drill. "He knew he was finished" my @zz! Oh c'mon...! I'm actually laughing out loud and you hafta be too! We are women who have been put in a position...damned if we do...damned if we don't no matter what path we take its NOT the right one with these guys! They are passive aggressive. I want you to humor me here ok...watch this...go google 'passive aggressive personality disorderk ok...THEN google the same and add 'in marriage or in relationships'....bet you read alllllllllll about your husband.....to a T. Do this....and get back to me.....ill be waiting.....
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I really screwed up this weekend.

History...I left my 3X cheating husband a month and a half ago and I filed for divorce a month ago. He has gone back and forth between begging me to come back and being meaner than hell. My children and family HATE him for what he has done to me. I blocked his phone and filed harrassment charges. Then he called me from a different number so I started conversing with him again. First mistake.

He asked me to go for dinner Friday night, and since my daughter is gone for the weekend, I went. We ended up back at my place. Yes, we spent the night together. Second mistake. Last night, he came over for supper, third mistake, and my oldest son showed up. My son was very angry and told me that he wanted him out of here because of everything he has done to me and the family. He said he was trying to protect me.

The honest truth is that I know that this will NEVER work. HE is controlling and manipulative. He is a CHEATER. Not once, but three times. Even if he changed 100%, there is too much damage to our marriage. There is too much damage to me. I trust no one, and I will especially never trust him.

I don't understand why I did this. Why did I ever unblock the number? Why did I allow him back in? This just hurts so bad. He destroyed our marriage. I run the range of emotions. I get angry, I cry, I am in disbelief that all of this the past two years has happened. What the hell is wrong with me? Why don't I have any backbone?
Oh please, you're human and there's nothing wrong for wanting to salvage a marriage. You gave him a chance to show he changed, and he has not.

I filed RAPE charges (legitimately and with cause) against my ex-H, then I allowed him to reconcile with me and live with me for 3 months in my apartment even though my landlord who was a police officer and my downstairs neighbors were against it they showed me in their behavior but kept their mouths shut...anyway of course he started manipulating and being abusive to me in a controlling way and he showed up with scratches on his back in the middle of winter that were where an embrace goes...after he took my car (insisted upon it) to work to wash it well it came back barely clean. LOL. You know what he was doin' in that car at work. (I traded it in since I'd used some of his deployment income to pay extra on it, got a good deal on an affordable used car!) Anyway, don't beat yourself up.

I've made mistakes recently too, slept with a potential client who turned out to be an arrogant 3-timer who when I challenged him on his commitment (and he admitted he wasn't going to be committed!) then turned vicious on me and tried to use my past to tell me I wasn't rational. (And his business isn't doing well on either of two contracts, he has deliverables due and they s*ck! He's basically lying to the government and giving them a crap product instead of what's contracted for, and then going to use non-contract time to get the 'real' deliverable in the month after and somehow swap it out...not sure how. His other deliverable he has to wear the cone of shame to get out of a $30K contract per month for data that he has no product to deliver to downstream customers, even though the company, a big NYC financial delivery company...took him on a dog and pony show to London, NYC, and all through Asia to promote the product...which doesn't even exist...at least I feel better knowing he didn't just lie to me but to his customers as well...his programmers and project manager jumped ship, too!)

Anyway, there are a lot of jerks out there. The key is not to STAY with them, but in order to figure out for sure if they are jerks, you need to ENGAGE with them, you cannot know for certain just by instinct sometimes, you have to go in deep and do REAL DISCOVERY so that you know for certain even if what they are doing isn't necessarily criminal, you know that it is DEFINITELY not good for you, and THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW. There is no shame in DOUBLE CHECKING to be sure.

THOSE WHO WE HAVE ALLOWED TO KNOW US BEST, ALSO KNOW BEST HOW TO MESS WITH OUR MINDS. The big thing is that you have this board, and we can know you too because here you can afford to be honest, and there is no shame and no judgement.

Keep your chin up. So, look at it this way, he TRIED TO KEEP YOU, he invested time and trouble to try to figure out a way to manipulate you in order to avoid being exposed by a divorce. If you had stayed married to him, if his plot had worked, you can be sure he would always bring up the time you accused him of cheating and almost divorced him and how stupid was that? You'll never be able to live it down, and HE WILL STILL BE CHEATING and he'll tell everyone that you're just paranoid and nuts. You will end up mental, to be sure. DON'T GO THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I take sedatives every night. It keeps me out of trouble (mostly).
I spend more time sleeping so during the day there is less time to mess up. ;-)
Also, having been vetted by a team of psychiatrists and finishing therapy to the point where the V.A. hospital cut me off and deemed me cured, it's a lot harder for men to mess with my mind by trying to bully me and call me damaged for wanting something GOOD AND WHOLESOME for myself. (What's that saying, serving doo doo and calling it chocolate?)
 

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Discussion Starter #8
ok Stella...here is what rings a bell with Passive Agressive behavior...I copied and pasted the things that apply to me.

1. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults. (Already explained this)

2. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. (He told me it would be ok, he would be faithful and then turn right around and go see HER)

3. He sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical. (He denied things about his affairs all the time. When I had PROOF, he would make it out like he just got caught up in someone else's snare or didnt realize what he was doing was wrong)

Emotional abuse:
1. The abuser's threats and need for control can cause the victim to become cut off from communicating with friends and family. The abuser becomes the victims only support system, not only their victimizer.

2. By the time a spouse identifies the true problem they have begun to feel as if they are crazy. They will doubt themselves and their own sense of reality because emotional abuse is meant to cause the victim to question their every thought and behavior.

3. Discourage any independent activities such as taking classes or activities with friends. (I was completely cut off from my friends and family...they apparently riled me up when they were just trying to get me to see the truth)

4. Accuse their spouse of being unfaithful if she talks to a member of the opposite sex. (Watched me like a hawk everywhere we went and always accused me of being interested with other me. Completely WAY off. All the while, he was having the affairs)

5. If the spouse does not give into the control they are threatened, harassed, punished and intimidated by the abuser. (My daughter used to say I was like his dog and did whatever he commanded)
6. Control all the financial decisions, refuse to listen to their partner’s opinion, withhold important financial information. (He alway decided how money was to be spent even if we couldnt afford it and I resisted)
7. Make all major decisions such as where to live. (Made me leave my home of 18 years and moved my daughter and I to a town where she is miserable in school and away from all her childhood friends)
8. You constantly think about saying or doing the right thing so that your spouse does not become upset (Constantly walked on eggshells and tried to make sure everything was done right. Like made sure everything was unplugged like can openers and chargers. If my daughter left anything plugged in, she was grounded and her chargers for her phone and computer taken away).
9. You feel as if anything you do or say will be met with anger or dismissal. Your feelings and desires just don’t seem to matter to your spouse. (It was never about what I wanted or needed...only him)

Nacissism:

•Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
•Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
•Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
•Requires excessive admiration
•Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
•Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
•Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
•Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
•Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes


GOOD LORD....After really looking at this, I am understanding why I am so screwed up. I have dealt with the above behaviors from my husband. No wonder I am an emotional wreck and don't know which way to turn.

Homemaker: You said it just right when you said, "WHO WE HAVE ALLOWED TO KNOW US BEST, ALSO KNOW BEST HOW TO MESS WITH OUR MINDS". He did call me paranoid. I had reason to be though. He does confuse me, but I am far from a stupid woman. I am going to have to block him again and take some control back.
 

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BINGO!

Nowwwww...your getting it girl... you see...it is not you. Not that you don't have issues...let me rephrase that. Not that 'we' don't have our 'issues' we became co dependant on these azzhats...and no doubt have other issue yes...but no wonder. You just described 'my husband' and my guess from your posts...as I was on target...yours. Welcome to my/our world. As I said, with these type of guys no matter what path you take lady...it will be the wrong one... now check this out...UNLESS these dpshts embrace this...'they will never ever ever 'get it'...some seek help...most don't. So 'we' have to 'break from them'....someone put it to me this way...look at the 'illness'....you can't work with it. It's a never ending cycle of pain. I read the above and more in counseling to my stbxh once...to try to get him to absorb he needed to 'work on this'.... look where it got me. He still abused...still blamed...and still left/abandoned me...and zero communication...and zero closure...NOT EVEN...CLOSURE. I'm not worth a phone call...a conversation. So you and I...need to STOP trying to wrap our heads around the 'why'...the above is the 'why'...and they are blind to it. They are 'sick' in the head. Period. Abusive. Period.
There's men out there that don't bear these traits...I've met them...they do exitst...we must work on getting over and letting go of the fkd up one that do this crap to us...we need to get off our crack.
Wow...this has been very theraputic huh? Hm??? ....lol


Homemaker: You said it just right when you said, "WHO WE HAVE ALLOWED TO KNOW US BEST, ALSO KNOW BEST HOW TO MESS WITH OUR MINDS".

agreed!!!!!!
 

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If there was one thing I wish I could just get through to other betrayed spouses of multiple affairs it's this...... Your cheating spouse will only show remorse when they feel abandoned, not because they've seen the light and decided to work on themselves. As soon as you let him back into your life he's going to play up to your needs and then go back to cheating on you again. This is his Narcissistic nature as you've already seen.

Narcissists, Borderlines, Histrionics, and to an extent Sociopaths do not function on a normal level and use relationships as tools to shelter themselves from having to deal with their demons. That's why he's freaking out right now. He doesn't have his safety net and has to deal with his actions hurting himself, and he gaslight himself like he can you.

I'm glad you found this site and realized you're not to blame, because a lot of the "Nons" as in non-damaged people are blamed for everything and lead to believe they are responsible for ruining a wonderful functional relationship. I just have to ask one thing, and it's going to seem weird, but..... do you have a history of being in relationships with people that were like your husband. And if so do these men remind you of your father/first meaningful relationship/parents? Because usually, but not always, it's one of the three that made relationships with these types feel so comfortable and so fun what with the drama filled cycles and all.
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
Nsweet:

This is the honest truth. I think my relationship problems stem from my father. When I was a child he pushed me very hard to excel. I would set my goals very high, almost imposssible, and fail miserably. I often felt like I could not do well enough (grades, sports) for him. This wasn't really his fault, he was just pushing me to do well. It was me that pushed to be the best, or the top. Then, when I was 12, my parents divorced. There was a lot of fighting, infidelity issues on both parts, and dnagerous situations (threats of homicide and suicide) I was so angry with him and refused to have much to do with him for a few years. Then, he remarried, had a baby and moved states away. He just left me. I have known forever that my relationship with my father has tainted my life and realtionships.

I have managed to learn how to set high goals for myself in life without oversetting them. I have a bachelor's degree and graduated Magna Cum Laude. I am very successful in school as I am a junior high teacher. Somehow, I am able to fix these kids, but not myself. I set high standards for them and they rise to the occassion.

Then....there's men...I was married right out of high school to a physically and emotionally abusive man. He was a "bad boy". Everyone warned me but I wouldn't listen. I wanted to tame the anger I saw in him. Well, my love wasn't enough. That lasted about 1 1/2 years.

Then, I married my kids dad. We were married for 18 years. He traveled a lot. Very emotionally unavailable. I got used to taking care of things and raising my three kids by myself. I went back to college in 2000 and got my degree and started working. This helped fulfill some of my need, but I needed more. I needed to be needed and wanted. I wanted a relationship where I was more than a housekeeper and a roommate. (We rarely has sex). So I left him. I often look back and wish that I hadn't left him and then gotten into this mess. I was at least content, not happy, but content. I had a large house, my kids were happy. I just wanted more. I wanted someone to LOVE me. I just couldn't see living the rest of my life in a situation where I was always last place to someone behind his work and friends.

Then I found the current one. He was so ful of fun and passion. He told me he loved me several times a day. He always showed affection. He held my hand everywhere we went. He held me all night long. He helped me around the house and was good to the kids. I was getting all the things that I thought I needed. Then I found out the week that we were engaged that he was talking to and planning on meeting his high school GF he found on FB. WTH? He supposedly ended with her right then. He promised me that if I would still marry him that I would never regret it, it was just a lack of judgement and he got caught up in the "wanting to know". I married him and then he told me two weeks later that he had never ended it with her. HE snuck calls from work and went to see her. I almost had a breakdown. Things got better but he got more controlling. My oldest son had graduated, but my middle son went to live with his dad because of my husband. HE would not conform to my husbands demands. Me and my daughter did. My husband demanded that I sell my house and move. I agreed because he was the head of the house. While we were moving, and a week away from closing on the house, he started spending a lot of time with his ex wife. He told me that she was his best friend and when I objected, he made out like I was bad for not letting him have friends. Then, he went to her, took off his wedding ring and told her that he loved her. I should have left him then, but I didn't. I just tried harder and the demands got worse. The isolation got worse. The fear got worse. Then, there was this last time. I caught him red handed and moved me and my daughter OUT.

I know I have had enough, but I an SOOO screwed up mentally from all of this. The mind games, the blame, the guilt, the lies. I don't know what the truth is anymore. I can't trust anyone and I stay fearful. HE gets really mean and then really nice. He has threatened suicide and everything else to get me back. It has been a nightmare that I created for myself.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Don't think it was limited to the women in the above scenarios. Those were just the worst. There were many women. Many inappropriate conversations and comments. When I said anything, it was either 1. You wont let me have friends, you know I get along with women. 2. You are paranoid. or 3. I didn't realize that relationship or comment was inappropriate. Now that you have explained it and I see it through your eyes, I see that it was wrong.

Even now, he is saying that he didn't realize all these times that what he did with women, even the major ones, was wrong at the time. He blames getting caught up in the moment or someone's snare. He didn't know better. Now he wants me to explain it to him so he will never do it again. I call BS on this one. Hes not so stupid that he didnt know what he was doing. HE intentionally and maliciously hurt me. He had no compassion. Then he turns it all around and it was everyone else's fault but his. WHAT THE H###? IT is going to take a long time to muddle through this mess.
 

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He said that he knew he was finished cheating and that he couldn't hurt me again and had decided to stop it on his own...but I had to search for the truth so it was my fault. Wth? How do I get blamed for searching for truth?
It's EASY! If YOU are to blame, end of story...you just need to be a 'better' person (read that stupider, more gullible, more naive, more passive, etc.)

If it was HIS fault, he'd have to admit he's a horrible azz-hole! NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. He will not spend ONE MINUTE in honest self-reflection because in his heart he KNOWS he's behaved terribly, that he is a broken, dishonest, horribly-behaved person. He is ashamed of it, doesn't like it, doesn't know how to 'fix' it, and doesn't want to make the effort to 'fix' it because it would be TOO PAINFUL. It is EASIER to blame everyone else and keep his focus off of himself and his cr*ppy behavior.

He will be miserable and unhappy his ENTIRE life because he doesn't have the SPINE to look at himself HONESTLY and 'fix' himself.

It ain't you, honey!
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Well, I don't know if I have ever been stupid or gullible. Maybe so in the fact that I put full trust in our relationship. Yes, I tried passive. I am not a passive person naturally, but chose to be so with my husband so he could be the leader of our family. I had no idea that it would all lead to new town, new job, isolation for me and my daughter, AND betrayal.

I shouldn't look back. I do because I still try to figure out this horrible mess. All I can really do is go from here. I made it through Christmas with my family. He was mostly alone. Now, my youngest son (17) will be staying with me through New Years so I don't have to be alone (my daughter is with my parents visiting). I don't discuss much about how I feel ablout all of this with my children, but they are smart enough to know.

Right now, I guess you could say that I am angry. I am angry with him for [email protected]#king up so bad. I am angry with him for hurting my kids. I am angry with him for destroying our mariage. I am angry with myself for marrying him in the first place, and thus, hurting my own kids. I am angry with myself for staying in it after the first betrayal.

I am just venting now, but damn it, I am such an IDIOT. I am not gullible, I am not dumb. I sat right there and watched him ruin our marriage over and over. I watched him berate my daughter. I took the threats. I worried when he ranted that he might leave me. I knew better all the time, but I took it. It didn't matter how suicidal I got, I took more crap from him. I got on medicine that would dull my senses so I could take more abuse. I didn't have to feel anymore. I could just exist. I knew this was a mess, but I stayed. I am an idiot.

Now, I look back...off of Half of the medication and I ask myself what happened. Not only why did he do this, but why did I allow it to continue. I knew better. Now I have to stay away from him and help myself and my children heal from this psycho [email protected]$rd.
 

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You will never be able to answer the why questions. And even if you could, it wouldn't change anything. Your ex is a broken sick man. This could be my thread. The only differences are a twenty year marriage, one 12 yr old son and a 13 year long affair with the same woman that he left me for.
I was in limbo and walking on eggshells for years.I kept forgiving him and believing his lies and taking him back. It wasn't until I started getting healthy and moving on that he started showing remorse and wondering if we should get back together. Hell no! I don't want him back. I'm happier alone and getting stronger everyday. And he will always be a sick f#ck.

It has to be all about you now. Get yourself stronger so you can be a good mom.
 

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I am just venting now, but damn it, I am such an IDIOT. I am not gullible, I am not dumb. I sat right there and watched him ruin our marriage over and over. I watched him berate my daughter. I took the threats. I worried when he ranted that he might leave me. I knew better all the time, but I took it. It didn't matter how suicidal I got, I took more crap from him. I got on medicine that would dull my senses so I could take more abuse. I didn't have to feel anymore. I could just exist. I knew this was a mess, but I stayed. I am an idiot.

Now, I look back...off of Half of the medication and I ask myself what happened. Not only why did he do this, but why did I allow it to continue. I knew better. Now I have to stay away from him and help myself and my children heal from this psycho [email protected]$rd.
I know you are angry, however people change, relationships, change, life is constantly full of changes. If he is sincere and genuine in his efforts, than you owe it to yourself to give him and your marriage the opportunity to heal.

Speaking from my experience, my wife and I love eachother deeply. The problem was not our love or lack of comittment to each other. It was in our communication or I should say lack of definition in our communication. We both had expectations, however they were not communicated in a clear and concise manner. For example she would say something to the effect; I want more attention. I would instantly assume that meant more sex. That is not what she was asking for at the time and I took for granted and assumed that it was. This is just a small example of many issues we had, however had we been clearly defining our communication I don't not believe we would have ended up where we are currently. (Angry, frustrated, confused, hurt, hopeless, etc...)

What I'm trying to get at is that you should not throw your marriage away if in fact he is making a genuine effort. You obviously love this man. Have you tried to define your expectations and communicate them clearly. Is and does he understand your expectations? Does He understand your perceptions and why?

Nothing in life is ever too late as long as you are alive. Behaviours are habits; they can be changed.
 

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Honestly, I doubt he is sincere and genuine in his efforts. He cheated on me three times. He looked me in the eyes over and over and lied to me. He promised me over and over that he would never hurt me again. It was all words. We went to marriage counseling before the last betrayal. It had nothing to do with communicating. We talked openly all the time. I gave him a second chance and then a third. He just can't stay away from women. That is really all it amounts too.

Someone told me after the first affair that a tiger can't change their stripes. I said no, but they can be tamed if they love who they are with enough. I thought my love would be enough but it wasn't. He sapped the life out of me and ruined our marriage and distroyed all trust.

I am not the same anymore.Even if he was sincere, I am not the same.
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Betrayed, I am sorry you feel this way. I never cheated on my wife, we never went to counseling either, however she expresses to me the same things that you express about how you feel about your husband, "I am not the same anymore Even if he was sincere, I am not the same. I doubt he is sincere and genuine in his efforts. He looked me in the eyes over and over and lied to me. He promised me over and over that he would never hurt me again. It was all words". I don't know what to say, other than I know I never wanted to hurt my wife. I do want my marriage to work. I value my wife more than anyone or anything. It makes me feel so inadequate and sad that she can't see this. I am truly remorseful for what I've done that has caused her pain and the issues between us. My actions are sincere and genuine, and I would literally do anything in my power to rescue my marriage and my relationship with my wife. So when I see the same thing in someone else's struggles, I feel that if I share my side perhaps you might look at things from the other side. At any rate only you know your situation, however I would really like to see you resolve your problems with your husband if at all possible as opposed to divorce.

My 2 cents
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Bryane, I see that you are sincere about your wife. I do hope that you can work things out. I don't know what you did to cause her pain but I really hope that she can overcome it.

My husband knowingly and, without remorse, caused my pain by being in the arms of other women. I was to the point that I said goodbye to my three kids. While I was lying in bed, contemplating my death, he was seeing her. If he truly gave a rip about me, then he would have been incapable of inflicting that type of pain on someone. Yes, I love him. Yes, I miss him. There is so much damage to me and this marriage that I will never trust him again. He has changed me forever.

I am angry. I am so sad that it shakes me to my core. I am confused. I am afraid. I relive it every night in my dreams. What he did to me consumes me. I am really messed up. I know I would not survive another betrayal so I can't let myself take that risk. Does that even make sense?
 

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Honestly, I doubt he is sincere and genuine in his efforts. He cheated on me three times. He looked me in the eyes over and over and lied to me. He promised me over and over that he would never hurt me again. It was all words. We went to marriage counseling before the last betrayal. It had nothing to do with communicating. We talked openly all the time. I gave him a second chance and then a third. He just can't stay away from women. That is really all it amounts too. Someone told me after the first affair that a tiger can't change their stripes. I said no, but they can be tamed if they love who they are with enough. I thought my love would be enough but it wasn't. He sapped the life out of me and ruined our marriage and distroyed all trust.

I am not the same anymore.Even if he was sincere, I am not the same.
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This and more...you've endured quite enough. Enough is enough...go find some dnm peace and some happiness...men like this don't change...if he wanted to change would he not have done it by now? Were you not worth it the last two or more times? Pfffttt.....
kick his abusive monkey [email protected]@ to the curb...find a man to wine you and dine you and call you sweet names honey...;)
 
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