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So to start off my wife and I have been married for 4 years and have 2 beautiful boys. But recently I got a new job that requires me to travel a bit. First time I was gone a week, I come back and my wife is acting differently (not herself). I thought it was just me so let it go a couple of days, then I confront her about it. She said that she loves me, but shes not in love with me. We talk about it and I agree to give her space and let her come back to me when she can. Two days later she tells me that shes in love with me and thinks it was an emotional response to me leaving that she shut down her feels so she wouldn't miss me. So going good for a couple months and then I have to leave again for a month, but come back on weekends. And 3 days before I leave I notice shes acting the way she was when I came back. I confront her immediately, she says yet again that shes not in love with. But this time she said she hasn't been for a very long time. Said that she doesn't think that she was in love with me when we got married, and it none of this never occurred to her until recently. So we talk again and she says she wants to try work it out without separating. So I leave for my job, and we skype everyday and she tells me that I am her bestfriend, but she loves me but not in love with me. And said if I am ok with that we can stay together. I want to stay with her but every weekend that I go home I afraid that shes gonna tell me it's not going to work out. I've been stepping up my game with her to prove to her that I'm in this 100%. But she still seems real distant somedays and other days it's all lovey dovey. I don't know what to do anymore more it's driving me crazy. So is this something that some else has gone though or anyone have advice for me.
 

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So to start off my wife and I have been married for 4 years and have 2 beautiful boys. But recently I got a new job that requires me to travel a bit. First time I was gone a week, I come back and my wife is acting differently (not herself). I thought it was just me so let it go a couple of days, then I confront her about it. She said that she loves me, but shes not in love with me. We talk about it and I agree to give her space and let her come back to me when she can. Two days later she tells me that shes in love with me and thinks it was an emotional response to me leaving that she shut down her feels so she wouldn't miss me. So going good for a couple months and then I have to leave again for a month, but come back on weekends. And 3 days before I leave I notice shes acting the way she was when I came back. I confront her immediately, she says yet again that shes not in love with. But this time she said she hasn't been for a very long time. Said that she doesn't think that she was in love with me when we got married, and it none of this never occurred to her until recently. So we talk again and she says she wants to try work it out without separating. So I leave for my job, and we skype everyday and she tells me that I am her bestfriend, but she loves me but not in love with me. And said if I am ok with that we can stay together. I want to stay with her but every weekend that I go home I afraid that shes gonna tell me it's not going to work out. I've been stepping up my game with her to prove to her that I'm in this 100%. But she still seems real distant somedays and other days it's all lovey dovey. I don't know what to do anymore more it's driving me crazy. So is this something that some else has gone though or anyone have advice for me.

Oh boy:(
Check phone records and buy 2 VARS one in the home and one in the car.
There is likely a third person in your marriage.
If you want to save this you need to find another job.
Sorry you are here.
 

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Here we go again. I'm really sorry to inform you but your wifes behavior reeks of cheating. For example, her distanced demeanor and the I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech is classic cheater speak. Her being scared is a technique to deflect the blame onto you... another classic cheater behavior we refer to as blame shifting.

The first thing you must do is rule out another man. Immediately get electronic surveillance equipment placed and chances are good you'll soon find the truth. Sorry.
 

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Your 100% of effort won't mean crap if your trying to compete with a new love your wife might have.

I strongly suggest you eliminate this possiblity by doing your own research.

I hope your investigation proves me wrong and your efforts to be 100% in pays off.

If I am right you can go ahead and be the perfect husband all you want but someone will be laughing their @ss off every time you try.
 

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Here we go again. I'm really sorry to inform you but your wifes behavior reeks of cheating. For example, her distanced demeanor and the I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech is classic cheater speak. Her being scared is a technique to deflect the blame onto you... another classic cheater behavior we refer to as blame shifting.

The first thing you must do is rule out another man. Immediately get electronic surveillance equipment placed and chances are good you'll soon find the truth. Sorry.
:iagree:

Additionally, she is re-writing your marital history claiming she was not in love with you when you got married.

Does she work outside of the home?

If you do uncover cheating, are you still willing to accept her offer of a loveless/roommates type of marriage?
 

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When a wife says she "needs space", that means she needs space and time to screw another man, hopefully without you finding out.

Its one of the most common BS lines out there. Second only the the ultimate BS line, "I love you but am not in love with you".

You also mentioned you are "afraid". Fear is like like bug repellent to women. Falling over yourself trying to please them is also.
 

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She may not be cheating, but feels lost when you are away. She may be distancing herself to reduce the pain of separation while you travel, and that carries over when you get home. She may also fear that with your travel, you will be the one cheating, and is pulling back so that it won't be as devastating if/when she finds out that her fears are true.

Anyway, this is not normal, and at the least you two need MC and she may need IC. It is certainly worth checking as suggested to be sure she's not cheating on you (if she fears you are or may, she may do so preemptively herself). If she is, then you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix the marriage. If she's not, then it's a fear response to being alone so much.
 

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Most likely someone has been paying attention to her online or at work and she didn't think about it until she had to spend nights away from you. He probably contacted her during your first time away and she suddenly saw possibilities. VAR her car and check her phone records for one number that has a ton of contact. Everything she has said is straight out of the Cheater's Script (yes, there's a script because almost every cheater says the exact same things).
 

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Sounds like cheating.

VAR (see WL's post above)

GPS car, easy these days.

Check phone bills.

Start 180. Work on yourself. Exercise. Eat right act happy. Fake it till you make it.
 

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She may not be cheating, but feels lost when you are away. She may be distancing herself to reduce the pain of separation while you travel, and that carries over when you get home. She may also fear that with your travel, you will be the one cheating, and is pulling back so that it won't be as devastating if/when she finds out that her fears are true.

Anyway, this is not normal, and at the least you two need MC and she may need IC. It is certainly worth checking as suggested to be sure she's not cheating on you (if she fears you are or may, she may do so preemptively herself). If she is, then you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix the marriage. If she's not, then it's a fear response to being alone so much.
Please think about this^^^^^^

Most likely someone has been paying attention to her online or at work and she didn't think about it until she had to spend nights away from you. He probably contacted her during your first time away and she suddenly saw possibilities. VAR her car and check her phone records for one number that has a ton of contact. Everything she has said is straight out of the Cheater's Script (yes, there's a script because almost every cheater says the exact same things).
Very strong possibility^^^^^ if the previous from Married But Happy does not appear to be the case.
 

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All of the above...yours is a story much more common than you would think.
 
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I would be suspect as well. Investigate ASAP OP.

Meanwhile, I would sit her down and put her on the spot/punt the ball to her court.

"honey, for past # of months you have been constantly telling me that you love me and that you don't love me. I need to know EXACTLY how you feel RIGHT NOW."

"Also, I would really appreciate if you provided me with your Email/Facebook/other account passwords"

Watch her reaction to #2 CLOSELY and expect the information right there and then.

If she shows defensiveness/anger....she is up to no good.
If she refuses, you got your answer, she is hiding something and WILL go off and delete all the evidence you are looking for.

So expect the information on the spot. Her rejection = she is cheating.

When and if she give you the info at a later time, just tell her you no longer need it and already have your answer.

No to either question/conversation above = you go see a lawyer and file for divorce.

I wouldn't want to be with someone that doesn't love me.

PS. Do NOT consider your kids in this decision. They will be just fine as long as both of you remain in their life and continue to be good parents.

Good luck and keep us posted
 

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She may not be cheating, but feels lost when you are away. She may be distancing herself to reduce the pain of separation while you travel, and that carries over when you get home. She may also fear that with your travel, you will be the one cheating, and is pulling back so that it won't be as devastating if/when she finds out that her fears are true.

Anyway, this is not normal, and at the least you two need MC and she may need IC. It is certainly worth checking as suggested to be sure she's not cheating on you (if she fears you are or may, she may do so preemptively herself). If she is, then you need to decide if it's worth trying to fix the marriage. If she's not, then it's a fear response to being alone so much.
:iagree:
 

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The flip flopping seems to be an indicator that shes trying to decide between you and something else. I would definately start surveillance to find out what the somethibg else is and prepare to lawyer up and if u do start finding evidence you could try some reverse psychology...going all out to save the marriage may have the effect of convincing your wife you'll always be there and so she'll be more at ease to stray. It might benefit to act distanced in return...to show her that theres a real chance ull be out of the picture if she chooses wrongly. Of course thats IF you still want to save the marriage and IF she hasnt made up her mind already
 

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She may have an attachment issue. Pushing you away when you leave is pretty classic behaviour for this. She won't understand why she does it but it's fear based, insecure attachment. Just my thoughts, it's not always cheating.
 

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Am I the only one who has several fake email and Facebook accounts? "Look love, a 20% coupon from the bicycle store"...

Do cheating or non cheating people spend hours like love struck teens talking on the phone or IM? Exchanging dirty selfies on Pictogram or what not?

VAR for sure - people talk in the car even with a throwaway phone. But I often bring cellphones from work for testing or just to play with them...

I would actually take her story for what it is. Overwhelmed by the kids, can't adapt... Cheating in the grand scheme of things may be easier to handle than that.
 

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The OP got the 'ol ILYBNILWY speech. Yep, she is on the fence about staying in the relationship versus some grass she perceives is greener elsewhere.

There is NOTHING you can do faster, quicker, better right now to control her choices. The more you try to influence the way she see you, the more she will push you away.

Don't cling...don't beg, cry, whine, plead, hover, flip out, yell, scream, preach, teach...NADA. Pull back and do your own thing while SECRETLY surveilliing the situation with a voice activated recorder secured by velcro tape beneath her car seat. If you can get stuff of her computer or cell, great.

In the meantime, just nod your head and be very cool and understanding when she is telling you that she isn;t sure about the future. Tell her that you are going to let her make her choice, that you don;t intend to hold her hostage, but at the same time let her know you are willing to commit to working it out with her.

That being said, if she makes a move to leave or kick you out OR you discover she is in an affair, then being nice and understanding is OVER. Don't rage, just be swift in cutting communication and GO DARK, go 180, and protect yourself financially. At this point she made a decision, resulting you making yours as well...and that is NOT rewarding her, being sympathetic, being an emotional/financial support while she is trying to "rediscover" herself.
 
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