The past 2 years have been a challenge. But the last few weeks have been torture. Torture for both of us.
Here's some key obstacles to give a general idea of what our marriage is built on:
1)We´ve been together for 8 years. Married for 5 years.
2) Age difference 12 years (he's older).
3) We have different dreams in life, and different interests, and different things make us happy.
4) We come from different countries, and different cultures, different religions (he's atheist).
5) we have different plans on having children.
6) we have different values.
7) he's got allergies, and I grew up on farm, and I want my life with animals included back.
8)I'm tactile person, he's not tactile at all.
We are two totally different people, remarkably incompatible. How did we get together?
Well we met online, and he came to visit me. I fell in love. At the age of 22 I didn't know what I wanted from life, and what I wanted from myself even. He was my first serious relationship. The first few months he was in love, and then suddenly it all evaporated and his interest sank. But my love only grew. I tried to do everything possible to be with this person, and I didn't understand what was going on. Eventually he visited me again, and got to meet my family and relatives, then I would travel with him a few times to meet his family, friends and relatives. They were all very nice.
After almost 3 years of distant relationship I said that I wanted our relationship to develop. And so we got engaged and were about to get married. Why would I jump into a marriage without living with a man first? Well, traditions. For my grandparents it was a shame to let me move to a man and live with him without official marriage. And at that age I didn't know any better than to care about other people's opinions.
I traveled to his country as we decided to get married there as we were going to live there, and it would be easier with documents. As planned, I came with the wedding dress and. everything else. And then suddenly a week before marriage, he says he doesn't feel like ready for marriage. I was shocked. His mom started crying. And she had some serious conversation with him eventually. I told him "look, you can't do this to me, a week before the wedding, if you are having doubts now, and are going to postpone the wedding, I'm going to leave you forever". And I meant it.
So he thought a bit and next day said sorry and we got married in a week. As we sat in the car before the wedding ceremony, we were waiting, stressed, sad, me disappointed, he was in doubt. And I felt so crashed at that point. Because coming back home with that dress when everyone in my family knew I was getting married....was not an option. It was be a catastrophe, and my grandma was feeling bad after grandpas death (which happened a few months before the big events). I felt like doesn't matter which way I'd choose, I would suffer. And I just chose a way which would guarantee my grandma and mom would suffer less. So I just went there and said those words with him, about promising to love him forever, in good and the bad. And I remember while saying those words, it felt surreal. Like it wasn't me. It wasn't happening to me. But it was. And after that I cried, I cried because I didn't imagine my wedding to be like that. I wasn't the one for him.
After the wedding, we would just have a little party, and photoshoot with very few people.
A few months later I found out, he was still in love with his ex that denied him. And he wrote her messages, and they would have correspondence. He didn't tell her he was married even. He wrote to her he was in "complicated relationship", with "no respect for him", and he felt "bad". And he asked her about her private life. I made a scandal, he said he will never write to her again.
Long story short. It repeated again and again and again. And now, it will be 5 years in May, I discover another message to her before the new year. And this time.....this time I just decided to do the same. To go and talk to other guys on some random chat. I felt I need this as a revenge. Even though I'm not a revengeful person.
So I met a guy, and we started talking, and I feel like the communication makes me so happy. With my husband we've never had such connection. It's not even about this particular guy. This just reminded me that hey, life is one, and why should I be stuck in incompatible relationship.
But it's complicated: his parents have been nice to me, and I love them. I don't want to hurt them. And I know I will if I get divorced. MY husband started crying when I'm talking about divorce. He says he cant live without me. It's a mess all around. I can't even let him touch me. I feel disgusted with what I had to put up with. He never even wanted to sleep in the same room as me!!!!!!! We've slept in separated bedrooms all years of our marriage!!!!!! because he can't sleep with another person, he needs his sleep.
He says I'm needy. I'm not needy anymore, and want a divorce. Now suddenly he got needy, as he's about to lose me. He shakes, and cries, and tries to push on my empathy. Because he knows me. He knows I'm all the time trying to make others happy, and I can't stand someone crying.
I feel stuck!!!! I can't do this anymore! Crying day and night. I have to disappoint his and my family. I hate to do this. How should I make this step. It seems like a mud lake I need to cross to get to another side.
UPDATE
Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for investing your time in expressing your support, your honesty, your thoughts and observations. I do appreciate it so much. And I want you all to know it. It helped me open my eyes, and it disinfected my wounds. Even though it hurt, but now the wound is getting better. Today, on 8th of march, on "woman's day", I chose to stand on the side of my own interests. On the side of my own future. I applied for divorce. Officially.
It was extremely hard and painful, and yesterday I got myself drunk with the same vodka me and my grandpa made before he died a few months before the wedding took place. Never could I have thought, that I'd drink that vodka 5 years later, on my divorce application day. I rarely drink, because I usually feel too intoxicated even after a little glass of alcohol. But this time, no intoxication and it felt just right! It feels like my grandpa is watching over me in such a subtle way. There's still some left for the day I´ll get the divorce confirmed by the state, which will take approximately a year. I have so much support from my friends, even though many of them live in different cities.
My turning point was the death of my best friend's bf that happened two weeks ago. He died of cancer 3 months after first being diagnosed. So I spent a week with her so that she wouldn't have to go through it all alone. And that was a living hell. He had all the money in the world, but nothing helped, cancer burned him in such a short period of time. So it really forced me to look at my situation with clear eyes. Life is short. Unhappy? Do something about it. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month or after bachelor. NOW. As "now" as possible. Because "afterwards" is an illusion.
My soon to be ex husband is crying all the time, every day. And if it was an issue for me to accept weeks ago. Today, however, as I was sitting on the sofa in front of him, watching him cry, I felt the same feeling I get from watching kids cry over a toy in kindergarten, where I work. Like.... "Oh, I understand your pain, but it will be alright, let's find a solution to your problem". I realised that's why he's actually crying. He's losing me, for real. And now he has to deal with the realisation, that "hey, that woman, is free to choose and is actually free to move wherever she wants, she's not your mom that will be there always for you, and forgive you every ****ty information". I wrote myself a list. A list of every single hurtful things, he'd say to me, and how many times he suppressed my needs, consciously. How many times, I heard him say he wanted a divorce, and even printed the divorce papers himself, to just throw away after a hug. I wrote the sentence that he said a few months ago, when he said loudly to himself "God, how could I end up with this person" (he was talking to me in third person, when I was sitting next to him".
I do have to write things down. Cause I forget.
Now I feel super scared. Because I need to get my bachelor thesis done this may. And I need to apply for masters soon. I need to move out during this month. I need to fix so many things. But I thank God, I'm alive. I breath, I run in the forest. My panic attacks got better. My puls is getting better. My body stopped protesting with sudden pain in different areas of my body.
Happy woman's day!
I moved out on Friday. And the last couple of days have been crying like crazy. Unpacking stuff, sorting things, that would remind me my aspirations within marriage, my hopes, my love for that person. We met with him on Saturday, as I had to take some of my other stuff. When I came he put on candles everywhere. And fireplace was on. He suggested a cup of tea. I said ok. And I bursted out crying. And he too. We hugged each other and cried for half an hour in each others arms. He said he was sorry for everything, and that he indeed wanted to change, and that now he understood what he lost. I have never seen him crying like that. It hurt me so much to see him in pain. I wish he was angry, and was impolite towards me. I wish he didn't even want to look at me. He asked me to stay for the night, I said no. I took his hand, and said "You need to move on, we have different views, and incompatible". He said something that shocked me. He said "I'm sorry that I tried to live like a single man in our relationship". 5 years of marriage!!!!! Single man???? So he has been very conscious of what he has been doing???? I feel so angry and at the same time in pain. I cry every hour. Had to do an assignment for the lecture, and I couldn't do it. I just cant think of anything else, it feels like a wound in my heart. Part of me wants to run back to him, and just be with him. But there's part of me that tries to drag me out of it.
I also feel like I need a substitute for the transition. But I know it's wrong. I need to process this transition alone. And being alone feels like pain! I wake up in the middle of the night couple of times because of constant crying. I run every single day now. Sport doesn't help. I cry even while I run. I don't want to drink alcohol or do drugs. I dont drink coffee either to not add up to the stress. Literally nothing helps. Will talk to my psychologist tomorrow. But I feel such a despair that I cannot even describe that.
Any advice?
UPDATE
I'm still dealing with ups and downs. But guys. How wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who like you, who love you, who cherish you, who think you are enough, who support you on your journey. WHO BELIEVE in you!
It's been such a journey. So many friends fell off. So many masks fell off. So many connections burned to ASHES.
Everything that I was so scared of, were just fears. I'm doing ok. I am building myself up. I had to quit talking to that online date, because he was nothing else than my ex in his true nature. That's why rebounds don't work. Because we automatically get attracted to the same kind of SH...T, because our brains find it familiar, and thus safe. It was a necessary lesson for me though. Because I had to learn it the hard way. I had to get my heart broken once again, and waste my time on someone who was as narcissistic without even meeting him. It showed me how I got trapped in the first stages of my marriage. It showed me the gaps in my self esteem, the gaps in my self growth. And taking responsibility for that means THAT it will be alright, because I have the power to fill those gaps with light, with self development, however difficult it is. Everything is in my hands, with God's help.
I have so much love inside of me, so much good energy, that I decided to direct it to volunteering first. I am not ready to go on dates. And that is alright. I am ready to become my true self first. And that takes time. I'm feeling very grateful. Because I'm finally out of this....tunnel of pain, misery, desperation, disappointment. It was so painful. And sometimes I felt like dying inside and out.
It is going to be alright. You may be hated, by your parents in law. Because their love for you was conditional. They never truly loved you. And they never truly were there for you. You may be misunderstood by your friends, and you may be hated by your ex. Because your ex, doesnt want YOU back. Your ex wants the CONTROL they had over you back. Two different things. YES.
Here's some key obstacles to give a general idea of what our marriage is built on:
1)We´ve been together for 8 years. Married for 5 years.
2) Age difference 12 years (he's older).
3) We have different dreams in life, and different interests, and different things make us happy.
4) We come from different countries, and different cultures, different religions (he's atheist).
5) we have different plans on having children.
6) we have different values.
7) he's got allergies, and I grew up on farm, and I want my life with animals included back.
8)I'm tactile person, he's not tactile at all.
We are two totally different people, remarkably incompatible. How did we get together?
Well we met online, and he came to visit me. I fell in love. At the age of 22 I didn't know what I wanted from life, and what I wanted from myself even. He was my first serious relationship. The first few months he was in love, and then suddenly it all evaporated and his interest sank. But my love only grew. I tried to do everything possible to be with this person, and I didn't understand what was going on. Eventually he visited me again, and got to meet my family and relatives, then I would travel with him a few times to meet his family, friends and relatives. They were all very nice.
After almost 3 years of distant relationship I said that I wanted our relationship to develop. And so we got engaged and were about to get married. Why would I jump into a marriage without living with a man first? Well, traditions. For my grandparents it was a shame to let me move to a man and live with him without official marriage. And at that age I didn't know any better than to care about other people's opinions.
I traveled to his country as we decided to get married there as we were going to live there, and it would be easier with documents. As planned, I came with the wedding dress and. everything else. And then suddenly a week before marriage, he says he doesn't feel like ready for marriage. I was shocked. His mom started crying. And she had some serious conversation with him eventually. I told him "look, you can't do this to me, a week before the wedding, if you are having doubts now, and are going to postpone the wedding, I'm going to leave you forever". And I meant it.
So he thought a bit and next day said sorry and we got married in a week. As we sat in the car before the wedding ceremony, we were waiting, stressed, sad, me disappointed, he was in doubt. And I felt so crashed at that point. Because coming back home with that dress when everyone in my family knew I was getting married....was not an option. It was be a catastrophe, and my grandma was feeling bad after grandpas death (which happened a few months before the big events). I felt like doesn't matter which way I'd choose, I would suffer. And I just chose a way which would guarantee my grandma and mom would suffer less. So I just went there and said those words with him, about promising to love him forever, in good and the bad. And I remember while saying those words, it felt surreal. Like it wasn't me. It wasn't happening to me. But it was. And after that I cried, I cried because I didn't imagine my wedding to be like that. I wasn't the one for him.
After the wedding, we would just have a little party, and photoshoot with very few people.
A few months later I found out, he was still in love with his ex that denied him. And he wrote her messages, and they would have correspondence. He didn't tell her he was married even. He wrote to her he was in "complicated relationship", with "no respect for him", and he felt "bad". And he asked her about her private life. I made a scandal, he said he will never write to her again.
Long story short. It repeated again and again and again. And now, it will be 5 years in May, I discover another message to her before the new year. And this time.....this time I just decided to do the same. To go and talk to other guys on some random chat. I felt I need this as a revenge. Even though I'm not a revengeful person.
So I met a guy, and we started talking, and I feel like the communication makes me so happy. With my husband we've never had such connection. It's not even about this particular guy. This just reminded me that hey, life is one, and why should I be stuck in incompatible relationship.
But it's complicated: his parents have been nice to me, and I love them. I don't want to hurt them. And I know I will if I get divorced. MY husband started crying when I'm talking about divorce. He says he cant live without me. It's a mess all around. I can't even let him touch me. I feel disgusted with what I had to put up with. He never even wanted to sleep in the same room as me!!!!!!! We've slept in separated bedrooms all years of our marriage!!!!!! because he can't sleep with another person, he needs his sleep.
He says I'm needy. I'm not needy anymore, and want a divorce. Now suddenly he got needy, as he's about to lose me. He shakes, and cries, and tries to push on my empathy. Because he knows me. He knows I'm all the time trying to make others happy, and I can't stand someone crying.
I feel stuck!!!! I can't do this anymore! Crying day and night. I have to disappoint his and my family. I hate to do this. How should I make this step. It seems like a mud lake I need to cross to get to another side.
UPDATE
Ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much for investing your time in expressing your support, your honesty, your thoughts and observations. I do appreciate it so much. And I want you all to know it. It helped me open my eyes, and it disinfected my wounds. Even though it hurt, but now the wound is getting better. Today, on 8th of march, on "woman's day", I chose to stand on the side of my own interests. On the side of my own future. I applied for divorce. Officially.
It was extremely hard and painful, and yesterday I got myself drunk with the same vodka me and my grandpa made before he died a few months before the wedding took place. Never could I have thought, that I'd drink that vodka 5 years later, on my divorce application day. I rarely drink, because I usually feel too intoxicated even after a little glass of alcohol. But this time, no intoxication and it felt just right! It feels like my grandpa is watching over me in such a subtle way. There's still some left for the day I´ll get the divorce confirmed by the state, which will take approximately a year. I have so much support from my friends, even though many of them live in different cities.
My turning point was the death of my best friend's bf that happened two weeks ago. He died of cancer 3 months after first being diagnosed. So I spent a week with her so that she wouldn't have to go through it all alone. And that was a living hell. He had all the money in the world, but nothing helped, cancer burned him in such a short period of time. So it really forced me to look at my situation with clear eyes. Life is short. Unhappy? Do something about it. Not tomorrow, not next week, not next month or after bachelor. NOW. As "now" as possible. Because "afterwards" is an illusion.
My soon to be ex husband is crying all the time, every day. And if it was an issue for me to accept weeks ago. Today, however, as I was sitting on the sofa in front of him, watching him cry, I felt the same feeling I get from watching kids cry over a toy in kindergarten, where I work. Like.... "Oh, I understand your pain, but it will be alright, let's find a solution to your problem". I realised that's why he's actually crying. He's losing me, for real. And now he has to deal with the realisation, that "hey, that woman, is free to choose and is actually free to move wherever she wants, she's not your mom that will be there always for you, and forgive you every ****ty information". I wrote myself a list. A list of every single hurtful things, he'd say to me, and how many times he suppressed my needs, consciously. How many times, I heard him say he wanted a divorce, and even printed the divorce papers himself, to just throw away after a hug. I wrote the sentence that he said a few months ago, when he said loudly to himself "God, how could I end up with this person" (he was talking to me in third person, when I was sitting next to him".
I do have to write things down. Cause I forget.
Now I feel super scared. Because I need to get my bachelor thesis done this may. And I need to apply for masters soon. I need to move out during this month. I need to fix so many things. But I thank God, I'm alive. I breath, I run in the forest. My panic attacks got better. My puls is getting better. My body stopped protesting with sudden pain in different areas of my body.
Happy woman's day!
I moved out on Friday. And the last couple of days have been crying like crazy. Unpacking stuff, sorting things, that would remind me my aspirations within marriage, my hopes, my love for that person. We met with him on Saturday, as I had to take some of my other stuff. When I came he put on candles everywhere. And fireplace was on. He suggested a cup of tea. I said ok. And I bursted out crying. And he too. We hugged each other and cried for half an hour in each others arms. He said he was sorry for everything, and that he indeed wanted to change, and that now he understood what he lost. I have never seen him crying like that. It hurt me so much to see him in pain. I wish he was angry, and was impolite towards me. I wish he didn't even want to look at me. He asked me to stay for the night, I said no. I took his hand, and said "You need to move on, we have different views, and incompatible". He said something that shocked me. He said "I'm sorry that I tried to live like a single man in our relationship". 5 years of marriage!!!!! Single man???? So he has been very conscious of what he has been doing???? I feel so angry and at the same time in pain. I cry every hour. Had to do an assignment for the lecture, and I couldn't do it. I just cant think of anything else, it feels like a wound in my heart. Part of me wants to run back to him, and just be with him. But there's part of me that tries to drag me out of it.
I also feel like I need a substitute for the transition. But I know it's wrong. I need to process this transition alone. And being alone feels like pain! I wake up in the middle of the night couple of times because of constant crying. I run every single day now. Sport doesn't help. I cry even while I run. I don't want to drink alcohol or do drugs. I dont drink coffee either to not add up to the stress. Literally nothing helps. Will talk to my psychologist tomorrow. But I feel such a despair that I cannot even describe that.
Any advice?
UPDATE
I'm still dealing with ups and downs. But guys. How wonderful it is to be surrounded by people who like you, who love you, who cherish you, who think you are enough, who support you on your journey. WHO BELIEVE in you!
It's been such a journey. So many friends fell off. So many masks fell off. So many connections burned to ASHES.
Everything that I was so scared of, were just fears. I'm doing ok. I am building myself up. I had to quit talking to that online date, because he was nothing else than my ex in his true nature. That's why rebounds don't work. Because we automatically get attracted to the same kind of SH...T, because our brains find it familiar, and thus safe. It was a necessary lesson for me though. Because I had to learn it the hard way. I had to get my heart broken once again, and waste my time on someone who was as narcissistic without even meeting him. It showed me how I got trapped in the first stages of my marriage. It showed me the gaps in my self esteem, the gaps in my self growth. And taking responsibility for that means THAT it will be alright, because I have the power to fill those gaps with light, with self development, however difficult it is. Everything is in my hands, with God's help.
I have so much love inside of me, so much good energy, that I decided to direct it to volunteering first. I am not ready to go on dates. And that is alright. I am ready to become my true self first. And that takes time. I'm feeling very grateful. Because I'm finally out of this....tunnel of pain, misery, desperation, disappointment. It was so painful. And sometimes I felt like dying inside and out.
It is going to be alright. You may be hated, by your parents in law. Because their love for you was conditional. They never truly loved you. And they never truly were there for you. You may be misunderstood by your friends, and you may be hated by your ex. Because your ex, doesnt want YOU back. Your ex wants the CONTROL they had over you back. Two different things. YES.