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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Warning long post..... sorry but I guess all of the story of my life is important.

I meet my husband in November of 1993, my BFF was dating his friend and another one of our friends was getting a booty call from my husband. I couldn't stand him I thought he was the most self centered jerk I had ever met. He was bound and determined to get me to go out with him. I told him I wasn't his type, I didn't put out and wasn't into partying and we had nothing in common. I'm a country girl he was a city boy. I assumed like all the boys before he was after one thing and he wasn't getting it so he would move on. He didn't he was like a sand-spur I couldn't pick out of my shoelace. After a month of calls and run ins I agreed to a date. I had a great time, away from everyone he was the sweetest man and at the end of the night when he kissed me the was a spark. (No really static electricity spark) I agreed to a 2nd date and before long we were always together. He asked me to marry him in July of 94 and we married in June of 95. Things were good. Fast forward a few years, we tried to get pregnant and it never happened, during this time a family friends daughter became pregnant and asked us to adopted the baby. We gladly said yes and prepared ourselves to become parents. We were there for the delivery I was the first one to hold her we were a happy little family, but then the mother changed her mind and we were crushed. We went home to a house full of reminders of what wasn't meant to be. We leaned on each other and got threw it. 2001 we bought our first home and decided to give adoption another try, this time we were more stand offish we didn't tell anyone our plans. We were matched with a birth mother and she had a beautiful baby girl and held her and decided she could not go threw with the adoption. It was easier this time we didn't hold the baby or even see her in person. We struggled through it, but we both so desperately wanted a family. So we decided to try adopting threw the state. We took all of our classes and waited. In 2003 we were matched with a sibling group a boy 2.5 and a girl 5. They moved in we were bonding and all was going great. Then the grandparents contested the adoption. We spent every day not knowing if it was the last with our children. My house had a revolving door in and out case workers, therapist, lawyers and the media. As if that wasn't enough my aunt who was like a mother to us was dying with cancer. I shut down my days were spent tending to my children and my aunt, my nights were spent crying. I shut everyone out. My husband was included in the shut out, he turned to a co-worker at the family business. What started out as someone to talk to turned in to an affair. I was clueless and really didn't have the time or energy to deal with it. Then at a family wedding it all came out when my Father-in-law and I went to get some fresh air and walked in on Husband and "friend". I simply turned around and walked away. I was too numb from everything else to even process what just happened. It was brought up during one of our many family therapy secession. We knew the cause and we worked to improve what was happening. The affair ended, my aunt died and the adoption was finalized. Life was back on track. I threw myself into being an attentive wife. I never wanted my husband to find the need to pour his heart out to another woman, nor did i want any of his other needs being meet by anyone. We were doing great the perfect couple, the perfect family or so I thought. It's now 2009 he turns 40, his father retires and moves out of state and my pap comes back with me having an STD!!! Turns out my husband and our friend were having an affair. I'm so betrayed he won't talk about why or how and refuses counselling. I stop having sex with him and have now become bitter and resentful. About 6 months ago I decided I can't live this life anymore. I have been the good wife the stand by her man wife, the door mat. I went to therapy and started working on me. We started going to dinner once a week I was looking at as a date night, but I think he was looking at as a killing time thing. I'm desperately trying to gain his attention. When we go to dinner he is too bust surfing the net to even notice if i'm at the table or not. I had a full work up at the doctor stopped taking the meds that killed my sex drive. I threw myself out there we had sex, and are back to having sex regularly now (only the last week), but I know find myself feeling ashamed, and scared. I think I'm grasping at straws, I think I'm settling. I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid no one will love me. I don't think he does. I'm always an after thought, he doesn't find time for me. I'm after his job, and hobby . He hasn't changed I think I just see it more clearly now. I want to tell him everything I'm doing to improve me, but now I'm started to think he doesn't deserve me.
Sorry this was so long.
 

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I read your post, and i am deeply sorry. You deserve much more and much better, but you have to believe that first, and I am not sure you do. After you initially found out he was unfaithful, it seems you both worked at reconciliation. The event in 2009 would have had me out the door. I really try and refrain from telling people they should end their marriage, and it's not what i am telling you to do. I'm just letting you know that i could not tolerate a marriage under those conditions. I will tell you this. If you are in counseling, and I sincerely hope you are, the improvements you are making to yourself should be for YOU not for him; Not to gain his attention, sexual favors, etc. Think about it, do you really need validation from someone like your husband? As for being afraid to be alone, what can be worse than being with someone who is unfaithful and doesn't value you? As for being afraid of being alone; Please learn to love and value yourself. Whatever follows is just icing on the cake.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you... I am in therapy, and I'm working hard on me... so very very hard. I realized when i look in the mirror I have no clue who the person looking back at me is. That scares me and shames me..
How did I get here?
And why am I staying here?
What can I do to change it?
I think what scares me the most is our daughter is now starting to date and I see how she acts and is allow boys to treat her and I think my God what have I taught her? (I'm saying do as I say not as I do!!!!)
 

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Keep working on yourself. Focus on who you want to be and want you want to teach your daughter. You will get there. I like to think that when bad things happen to us, it is because we are strong enough to deal with them. Do not doubt your strength. The shame is not yours.
 

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When you were your daughters age, what did you want to be? Do? What did you like to do? How much of that would like to still do or be?

Without once again pulling away from the relationship, also start to focus on you. Go out with friends, get a hobby, do your thing. You need some level of self-confidence, so work on that too. Rebuild you as you rebuild this marriage.
 

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So he cheats, you chase him. He pulls away, you chase him.

What you are doing is "rewarding" him for bad behavior. You should use counseling as a way of figuring out how to break this cycle, even if that means leaving him.
 

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I do agree with Chris. While I wouldn't rock the boat a lot in the short-term since you want to make this work, in the long-term you need to break this pattern. He can sit at a dinner table on a 'date night', completely ignore you and surf the internet on his phone, and know there is no reprecussions for this action. My wife would destroy me if I did that once. It's just blatant disrespect you wouldn't show a stranger, nevermind your own wife.
 
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Hi allworx.

My heart goes out to you. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must feel. Here are my insights, for what they're worth.

First, working on yourself is a GREAT thing to do. Both for you, and your daughter. If she learned bad habits with guys from you, she can easily learn better habits as well. Improving yourself will almost certainly have a trickle down effect. :) Great decision.

Second, the decision is always yours. Always. If you want to stay in the relationship and work through all this, then my focus would be on rebuilding trust. Maybe start with getting clear about whether he truly loves you or not. The answer to that question would be incredibly important to me. If he does love you, then tell him you want to rebuild the trust back into your relationship. And there are several easy ways to do that. (I'm sure you know some, but if you would like some trust builders, let me know). Allow trust to be the locomotive that pulls all the other aspects of your relationship (including sex) back to a place that feels more healthy and comfortable. :)
And, if he doesn't love you anymore, then you already know what to do. :(

Third, you're never alone. After everything you went through, you now have 2 great children, who will always be of the utmost importance in your world. When the "wife" role becomes confusing and difficult, you always have purpose and a place in the mother role of your life. And you certainly earned the right to feel that peacefulness.

You may be right, he may have never changed at all... then again, that does not have to decide your future.

Stay or Go.
Demand Answers or Let it Go.
Sex or Not.
Trust or Not.
The choice(s), and all the freedom and stress that go with them, are always yours.

Well Wishes My Friend.

Ben

Regardless of what you decide to do... may you do it with courage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
When you were your daughters age, what did you want to be? Do? What did you like to do? How much of that would like to still do or be?

Without once again pulling away from the relationship, also start to focus on you. Go out with friends, get a hobby, do your thing. You need some level of self-confidence, so work on that too. Rebuild you as you rebuild this marriage.
LOL when I was my daughters age 15/16 I did NOT want to get married ever, and i wanted to travel the back roads take photos of old America.

Which last month I did take a weekend to do mind you I had 2 kids in tow but I did go!
 

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I do agree with Chris. While I wouldn't rock the boat a lot in the short-term since you want to make this work, in the long-term you need to break this pattern. He can sit at a dinner table on a 'date night', completely ignore you and surf the internet on his phone, and know there is no reprecussions for this action. My wife would destroy me if I did that once. It's just blatant disrespect you wouldn't show a stranger, nevermind your own wife.
I absolutely agree, and I have to say, my wife would also "destroy me" if I did that. Definitely not happening in my world.
 

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LOL when I was my daughters age 15/16 I did NOT want to get married ever, and i wanted to travel the back roads take photos of old America.

Which last month I did take a weekend to do mind you I had 2 kids in tow but I did go!
Then do this more. And other things you like as well. Work on you. Invite your husband to come but if he doesn't, then keep going. You can only leave the door open, he has to walk through it.
 
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
So he cheats, you chase him. He pulls away, you chase him.

What you are doing is "rewarding" him for bad behavior. You should use counseling as a way of figuring out how to break this cycle, even if that means leaving him.
I don't feel that I chased him when he cheated. I think the 1st time I just pushed it under the carpet maybe. We dealt with it and know why and how it happened. The 2nd, I have no clue how or why it happened. I'm still not even sure where they found the time for it. I sure didn't chase him after that, we be came room mates. I shut him out I was there for the kids, I wanted them to have both parents at home. Then I started realizing what I was doing to me. Now I realize I want more out of this but I'm not sure if i will get it or if h wants to give it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I do agree with Chris. While I wouldn't rock the boat a lot in the short-term since you want to make this work, in the long-term you need to break this pattern. He can sit at a dinner table on a 'date night', completely ignore you and surf the internet on his phone, and know there is no reprecussions for this action. My wife would destroy me if I did that once. It's just blatant disrespect you wouldn't show a stranger, nevermind your own wife.
His friend joined us for a recent trip and he said to H if I were to treat my wife the way you do I'd be on the street with that phone so far up my @ss i wouldn't be able to walk. h just shrugged, the friend then asked me how I felt about it and I told him how I thought it was disrespectful and I don't allow our children to behave like that. H said nothing.
I have a no electronics in the kitchen/dining room rule. Which is why H hardly ever makes it through a whole meal with us. He does now wait at least till I am sitting to start eating but he shovels it down his throat so he can get back to his devises.
 

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His friend joined us for a recent trip and he said to H if I were to treat my wife the way you do I'd be on the street with that phone so far up my @ss i wouldn't be able to walk. h just shrugged, the friend then asked me how I felt about it and I told him how I thought it was disrespectful and I don't allow our children to behave like that. H said nothing.
I have a no electronics in the kitchen/dining room rule. Which is why H hardly ever makes it through a whole meal with us. He does now wait at least till I am sitting to start eating but he shovels it down his throat so he can get back to his devises.
Your husband has no desire, or need to communicate with you.

Every marriage has a 'currency' in it, something that one person gets from their spouse, and vice versa. Your currency doesn't have to be the same thing, he could get say a nice house from you, you could get a paycheque from him (not saying that's what it is, just tossing out two random things here).

Find out what it is he is getting from the marriage. You need to find a way to make him realize if he doesn't focus on you or the marriage then he could/will lose that 'currency' he's getting from it.
 
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Turns out my husband and our friend were having an affair. I'm so betrayed he won't talk about why or how and refuses counselling. I stop having sex with him and have now become bitter and resentful. About 6 months ago I decided I can't live this life anymore. I have been the good wife the stand by her man wife, the door mat. I went to therapy and started working on me. We started going to dinner once a week I was looking at as a date night, but I think he was looking at as a killing time thing. I'm desperately trying to gain his attention. When we go to dinner he is too bust surfing the net to even notice if i'm at the table or not. I had a full work up at the doctor stopped taking the meds that killed my sex drive. I threw myself out there we had sex, and are back to having sex regularly now (only the last week), but I know find myself feeling ashamed, and scared.
You feel ashamed and scared because you were betrayed in a most humiliating fashion the the person who did it won't even admit it let alone say he is sorry (unless I missed that part). You are never going to be whole in your marriage until he agrees that what he did was wrong and does something of substance to make up for the pain he has caused. Google marriage builders and see some excellent advice on recovering from infidelity. You are too good for your own good and that is causing you to suffer internally
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Your husband has no desire, or need to communicate with you.

Every marriage has a 'currency' in it, something that one person gets from their spouse, and vice versa. Your currency doesn't have to be the same thing, he could get say a nice house from you, you could get a paycheque from him (not saying that's what it is, just tossing out two random things here).

Find out what it is he is getting from the marriage. You need to find a way to make him realize if he doesn't focus on you or the marriage then he could/will lose that 'currency' he's getting from it.
He likes the image of being a family man. Everything must always look good on the outside. He love to prance us around at his work and charity events he attends. I stopped attending them about 6 months ago, he hasn't figured it out yet, I always find a reason just not to show up at the events. The last on which was last month, he got really upset that I didn't appear with the kids.
My mindset was if we aren't being a family why should I go pretend that we are, had it been for the kids I would have but for him no.
 

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He likes the image of being a family man. Everything must always look good on the outside. He love to prance us around at his work and charity events he attends. I stopped attending them about 6 months ago, he hasn't figured it out yet, I always find a reason just not to show up at the events. The last on which was last month, he got really upset that I didn't appear with the kids.
My mindset was if we aren't being a family why should I go pretend that we are, had it been for the kids I would have but for him no.
The "image" or an illusion of a happy nuclear family is very important to many people.

Think of it like checks in a box - wife-check, kids-check, house-check, job-check, house-check. Because he has all the boxes checked, he feels free to do whatever he wants, ie, hobbies, etc.

He is disrespectful of your feelings. He has cheated & may cheat again when the opportunity presents himself.

Ask him to agree to marriage counseling. If he truly loves you & wants to save the marriage, he will go. If he doesn't go, go alone (I did).
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
We did talk a little last night. I told him some more about my therapy. He listened, and I told him that he needs to really stop and think about he wants out our marriage. I told him I didn't want an answer right now, that I really wanted him to think about it and be honest with himself and me and take a few days. He looked shocked but he agreed to think about it and then we would sit down and talk again. I explained that I didn't want a fight I want to sit down and have an honest and open conversation, and thats why I was giving him time, i didn't want to just demand answers right then and there. So we agreed that Tuesday night when we dropped the kids off we would go back to the house and talk.
 

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allworx,

As promised, I have caught up on this thread.

While you seem to be headed down the right road, I think the question you should of asked him was di he still want this marriage? By all of his previous actions, my guess would have to be no.

I know that's hard to hear but he does not treat you like someone he loves. As another poster mentioned, he has hurt you deeply on at least 2 occasions and really hasn't done anything to help you heal from it.

His refusal to attend any counseling is telling. It tells me he doesn't care enough about the marriage to try and fix it and make it better. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship giving to a man who is cold, unloving and deceitful?

Again, insist on the counseling. If he refuses, you have your answer and you'll save time and money by not going.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
allworx,

As promised, I have caught up on this thread.

While you seem to be headed down the right road, I think the question you should of asked him was di he still want this marriage? By all of his previous actions, my guess would have to be no.

I know that's hard to hear but he does not treat you like someone he loves. As another poster mentioned, he has hurt you deeply on at least 2 occasions and really hasn't done anything to help you heal from it.

His refusal to attend any counseling is telling. It tells me he doesn't care enough about the marriage to try and fix it and make it better. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship giving to a man who is cold, unloving and deceitful?

Again, insist on the counseling. If he refuses, you have your answer and you'll save time and money by not going.
Thank you. It is hard to hear, but the truth often is.
I have spoken with my therapist and she would like us to come in together. I know if he refuse to go it's over. I can say I gave it my all, I did everything I could. I'm hoping and praying that it doesn't come down to this, but am preparing for it just in-case it does. I feel guilty for that.
Is that normally? To feel guilty like I'm giving up?
 
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