[Lost guy]

Hello..new here but sure hoping that i can find some help.I've been married to a beauiful woman for 16yrs, dated for 3 b4 getting hitched. We have 3 children(2 girls,1 boy). I have full time job and operate a farm operation with brother and father. I grew up on a farm as did she. We were both 26 when married..she took a job after the last child which got her out in front of people and lead to a lot of traveling..she has never been very out going or secure with her looks although she has never looked her age. The job has given her some confidence in her self that I could'nt have been happier for! She has so much talent and just needed to find that out for herself..She had been experiencing some physical issues around the age of 35-36..bladder issues that seemed to be infection, but after antibiotics then there was yeast infection.this see-sawed for 10 months till she can across the symptoyms relating to intestinal cystytis(break down of the bladder lining..extremly painful to say the least)...Long story made even longer but I'll fast forward to present. She dropped the bomb on me Oct 8 which was her 42 b'day..said that the passion was gone from how she looked at me and is thinking that it may never really was there..she cryed on our wedding nite..It came up in the discussion by me and she responded that it was b/c she was scared of what she had just done...Our sex life was good acorrding to her..I made it known that her needs were my first priority...I needed it to be good for her not just me..I was posibly not the most romatic guy but I always let her know that I loved her and was there when I was needed...she wants to move out to find if she really loves me or if she ever did in the first place..I reassured her that I was willing to seek some therapy if it was what would help us..she is seeing a therapist and I am as well...she is mad when I'm around and says that with me leaving love notes and texts for her that it makes her upset that she can't love me back like I love her..she says I deserve better cause she needs to work on her before she can even think of us...she allows me to sleep in the same bed but of course there is no physical contact of any kind..I told her that I was'nt giving up on us..she means too much too me...when I said this I put my arm around her and added that I did'nt expect anything to happen over nite..she replied "that's great cuz it isn't going to happen"..sounded very po'ed...I'm lost and don't know what to do..I know I should'nt but I feel hopeless and abandoned..can anyone offer me advice...I feel broken and lied too if infact she did'nt love me...we had great times and never would I have suspected that it was soo deep for her...

 

[IrishGirlVA]

Of course you should fee hopeless and abandoned. You are entitled to those feelings VERY much! She certainly doesn't seem to be providing you much hope that this relationship can be saved and it sounds like she has checked out emotionally. You can't hold onto something that keeps pushing you away. So what you need to do is step back and give her her space to sort through what she is feeling. This may seem horrible to you at first but I promise that you'll be benefiting from it as well. Read up on the 180. Move out of the bedroom. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from further hurts. And laying next to her at night but not being able to touch her will kill you slowly one night at a time.

Is there a possibility she is seeing someone else or having an emotional affair?

And I wouldn't put too much stock into her telling you that she didn't love you when you two got married. People have a way of rewriting history to make themselves feel better about their decisions. Like it justifies them in a way.

Doing the 180 doesn't mean that you have given up but what it will do is help open her eyes to what she is missing. That is, of course, these feelings she has (or doesn't have) is fleeting. Sometimes the old saying is true --- you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I know it's cliche but there is something to be said about it.

I'm sorry you are going through this. :-(

 

[StoneAngel]

Move out of the bedroom. Do what you need to do to protect yourself from further hurts. And laying next to her at night but not being able to touch her will kill you slowly one night at a time. .

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I am new at all this stuff too and probably should not give a lot of advice, but the above sounds completely reasonable. I am truly sorry you are hurting so much.

 

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

Wow, I'm really very sorry. I am having kidney and bladder issues right now. Last Jan I spent 5 nights in the hosp for a kidney infection. 2.5 weeks ago I got another one and I'm feeling just horrid. My bladder is effected as well and it really hurts bad(I'm going back to the doc tomorrow, it's getting worse). I also suffer from severe chronic neck pain from a massive neck injury 4 years ago. It's very difficult to live with and I often feel like I failed my family. I feel like a burden to them too. Even feeling this way I'd never abandoned my husband or children.

Have you made sure there's no one else involved, like another man? Leaving your husband without any reason like this makes me wonder if she's seeing someone else. I would be checking her cell phone, email, FB messages, ect...

I really hope you figure this out. Other people here will help you and have really good advice. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Zumbagal]

"she took a job after the last child which got her out in front of people and lead to a lot of traveling..she has never been very out going or secure with her looks although she has never looked her age. The job has given her some confidence in her self that I could'nt have been happier for! She has so much talent and just needed to find that out for herself.."
This statement sounds like it could have been made by my husband about me! I'm about the same age as your wife (46), also raised 3 kids, also started working where I'm up in front of people, discovering a confidence in myself that I never knew I had. I also have "lost that loving feeling" for my husband, and like your wife, I question whether it was ever there to begin with, even though we both had many great years together with no apparent issues. Several others have brought up the question "is your wife involved with another man?" All i can say is you may have to brace yourself for the answer if it is yes. In my case, it was a yes. Right about the time my self esteem was on the rise I began chatting with another man who grew up in my area. He said all the things I was longing to hear, and I could even tell it was not the right thing to do, but at that moment it was like nothing else mattered. I adjusted my thinking to accomodate my new friendship. Sounds like your wife may be doing the same thing (but maybe not, I don't know her full story). If it turns out she is having an emotional affair or even a physical one, please know that she's not doing it from a place of power -- she probably has been holding her true feelings in for a number of years and is just now starting to discover who she is and what she longs for in this life. You may be able to work it out, my husband and I are still in the process. All I can say is if there is another man, and she can detach from the relationship, she will go through a grieving process. It was a very real thing for her. It helped me that my husband let me talk about it whenever I felt the need. I wish for you both to find love and happiness, please know that you are not alone, you're not going crazy, and you will still find joy!

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums

180

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in
your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?
No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.

Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

 

[Lost guy]

Ya that sure sounds like the way to go....180 could be the best appoach for sure. Think I might know the answer already but I'll throw it out anyway just for some feed back...When I got home from work she had sent me an email stating that she spoke to a morgage consultant..activily looking for another place to live(10 or 15 miles away)..she said that she has not been in love for a number of years(if even at all in her mind), now she wants to find a house to live in cause paying rent is just throwing money away...finds that she can't get a morgage unless I an the primary borrower or use the equity we've built up in the property we have or even the business land property(that being the business that she repeatly said she has absoluty NO interst in)....I can't make her stay against her wishes and would never force her to or put and harm to her, but I think if she is going to pursue this , she needs to do it without my help cuz if I do purchase the house, she will still resent me for being the one who did buy it , not her. We don't have a lot of saved $$ but were almost to the point of being clear of a morgage payment that I have made the whole time..I said in the beginning(16 yrs ago) that I would work and never let the payment lapse...now I think she has it in her mind that I am to dive into the morgage payment for another 20 yrs...It's breaking my heart to see how she is so desperate to get out and away that she will jeaprodize her entire future well being....but I guess she doesn't see it that way at this point....One last question....after only one visit that she had with the counselor, the consselor suggested that she does more out or at least supported her desion to move...would'nt that happen only if the wife was in a crisis situation where her physical and mental well being were being abused??...I have never nor would I ever raise a hand to here or put her in a mental abuse situation...I let her know that she is free to make desisions and act on them if thats what she sees is fitting....

 

[IrishGirlVA]

A few things --

1) She is using you for a signature on the mortgage.
2) She won't resent you for being part of buying HER house. You will resent her for using you to buy HER house.
3) Go to the bank.
4) Withdrawal half the money you saved.
5) Open an account in just your name.
6) Her future and her well being is her problem now. If she is making the decision she doesn't want you to be a part of her life then she needs to own everything that happens to her.
7) Get away from this situation. Like, tomorrow!

And to answer your other question..... If a counselor suggests she should move out it doesn't mean there is mental or physical abuse going on. And this counselor may not have even said that. Your wife might have spun that story to make you think this was her counselings suggestion and not her decision!!

Tread carefully. There is some manipulation going on here.

 

[wiigirl]

A few things --

1) She is using you for a signature on the mortgage.
2) She won't resent you for being part of buying HER house. You will resent her for using you to buy HER house.
3) Go to the bank.
4) Withdrawal half the money you saved.
5) Open an account in just your name.
6) Her future and her well being is her problem now. If she is making the decision she doesn't want you to be a part of her life then she needs to own everything that happens to her.
7) Get away from this situation. Like, tomorrow!

And to answer your other question..... If a counselor suggests she should move out it doesn't mean there is mental or physical abuse going on. And this counselor may not have even said that. Your wife might have spun that story to make you think this was her counselings suggestion and not her decision!!

Tread carefully. There is some manipulation going on here.

:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Lost guy]

Thanks a million for the replies...it's what I suppected was happening...don't need to be validated but still wanted to make sure I am seeing things for what they are...this sure ain't easy...I had so much planned for us, the kids....It all seems so far away now and fading fast.......not that I would ever think of doing anything drastic..that is not in my character nor in my beliefs,but guess I will just have to go through a bit of a grieving process for a loss of something, not unlike a loss of someone...right?

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Lost guy said: this sure ain't easy...I had so much planned for us, the kids....It all seems so far away now and fading fast.......not that I would ever think of doing anything drastic..that is not in my character nor in my beliefs

.I have never nor would I ever raise a hand to here or put her in a mental abuse situation..

Your words right here hit me - your story reminds me of Southbounds...didn't know his wife felt this way for YEARS, she just was so passively silent about what she wanted/needed from him... then the bomb hit... in mid life... she wanted a divorce....

Mid Life crisis ??

He admits he was not real romantic either... and it is NOT in his beliefs to destruct a marriage over something as trivial as what she did.... his wife was on the insecure side too- from the beginning... Though she was crazy about him when they were younger...but still...it slowly went sour.... He is also an older fashioned Traditional type man....

In the aftermath of her leaving he fired up these forums trying to figure out where he went wrong... just a few of his threads below (out of 4 pages of them)...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/18157-what-makes-woman-happy-marriage.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/19045-there-too-much-emphasis-love.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/21883-what-causes-loss-attraction-spouse.html

Maybe you can catch what has been ailing your marraige & avoid the trainwreck of divorce...... his wife never gave him that chance.