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It's clear that the OP is here seeking to get her feelings validated. HE is clearly fulfilling his side of the contract, which is to provide and protect.
We disagree on this. Providing and protecting is not adequate for a marriage. It’s one small piece of it..the barebones essentials.

Women (and men) need to feel needed, loved, and appreciated/respected, at least on some level. And there needs to be some harmony in the household. In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the man to lead the way in having this environment, while also providing and protecting.

Her husband is a turd and she’s living in a hostile environment.

I agree with your point about OP having part of the blame in relationship problems, that’s true of all marital issues. It’s never 100% one-sided (exceptions for infidelity and abuse).

But one can’t even begin to work on other issues if the environment is crap to begin with and hubby is doesn’t have the basics of being a good husband. He would just take advantage of her good nature if she bent over backwards even further.

OP does need to have her feelings validated. That’s exactly why every poster makes an OP. They need some more eyes on their situation and external thoughts about the way forward. This OP is no different.
 

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We disagree on this. Providing and protecting is not adequate for a marriage. It’s one small piece of it..the barebones essentials.

Women (and men) need to feel needed, loved, and appreciated/respected, at least on some level. And there needs to be some harmony in the household. In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the man to lead the way in having this environment, while also providing and protecting.

Her husband is a turd and she’s living in a hostile environment.

I agree with your point about OP having part of the blame in relationship problems, that’s true of all marital issues. It’s never 100% one-sided (exceptions for infidelity and abuse).

But one can’t even begin to work on other issues if the environment is crap to begin with and hubby is doesn’t have the basics of being a good husband. He would just take advantage of her good nature if she bent over backwards even further.

OP does need to have her feelings validated. That’s exactly why every poster makes an OP. They need some more eyes on their situation and external thoughts about the way forward. This OP is no different.
And what do you think is going to happen to her if she keeps going down this path? She's overweight, with kids and no job. She's going down the wrong path, effectively setting the stage to morphing into a walkaway wife.

My opinion is that she has to become a better wife: lose the weight, get a job and become a pillar in the marriage. Don't dump everything on the husband and then withhold sex. That is a recipe for matrimonial disaster. We males know that when our wives tune out the sex, it drives us crazy and WE begin to act up. Which probably explains his behavior. Having a high level of testosterone makes you yell at stop signs... The wives can and do regulate these levels with a decent amount of sexual activity. Without sex, the wife become the stop sign.

Her marriage is EASILY recoverable. There's no adultery... he doesn't have "special friends," doesn't do drugs or is an alcoholic. They both, BUT SPECIALLY HER, have to be better husbands/wives.

And then let's not forget about the kids. The kids have a better chance of not becoming socially crippled if both of the parents work things out. Not only that, if they both work it out, the kids will grow up knowing that 1) they will have fights with people they love and 2) they can negotiate common ground and 3) they can reach an agreement that makes the entire family better. A VERY valuable lesson.
 

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Discussion Starter · #43 ·
Thanks everyone for all the advice , suggestions and thoughts . I know I am not perfect but i do love my husband and yes there are 2 side to our problems.. All i ask is just respect from him ive been telling him but he just doesnt care.. like i said im not withhelding any sex from him i just am not approching him anymore if he wants it we can do it.. I am trying to lose weight but not for him i will never let a man shut me down to lose wieght for him i will lose weight for myself to be healthy for my kids..
 

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thank you, it’s been a couple days now and Ive clear my head a bit im pretty sure it is as what you are saying that he just fantasizing about it in the middle of the night and being on these forums cuz he is horny ect.. ( note we havent sleep together ever since 3 years now because i have 3 little ones sleeping with me on the king bed so he is sleeping in the other room plus he snores and need the fan on even if the ac is on it’s a habit so we havent really sleep together since.) with his hurtful remarks i barely care to approach him for sex as why should i? if he find me unattractive like i gave birth 6 months ago plus 3 other small kids and i barely have time to work out… the thjng that hurts the most still would be that he even have thoughts of it or fantasies makes me sick and have not look at him the same.. plus it would be a embarrassment to his family if he secretly does this and cheat on me ill be sure to tell his family the truth.
Uh oh. The foundations of your marriage are all messed up.

You two need to prioritize putting each other and your intimacy back in place.

You should not be sleeping with your children regardless of "reasons".

My wife stirs a lot and I can sometimes bring the house down with my snoring but our bedroom has always been our holy place and we work out our problems together.

I understand why you are looking at him differently now but don't you think he has been looking differently at you?

3 years not sleeping together and you are with the kids?

That's a very unhealthy dynamic for your marriage.
 
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