[BoSlander]

Wow.. im beyond shock saw on my husband’s phone browser he was on a swinger forum page it was so quick i didnt see if it was a porn forum Or if he is really into being a swinger, the topic was about what kind of porn do you like to watch.. i see my husband as a good father not so much a good husband to me as he has some narcissistic characteristics and he calls me fat and tells me im unattractive.. hurt my feelins, gives me the silent treatment.. he is a religious and cultural guy talk nice to his family and showoff to his family but he treats me so bad soemtimes it hurts and im shock he is even on a forum like that.. it disgust me if he even daydream think to have sex with someone’s esle wife and me with thier husband.. yall i cannot look pass this i dont wven know how to approach him and its been 4 days and im just disgust at it.. i feel so gross out i dont know how i can look at him the same…im a hopeless romantics and he is not giving me any loving romantic feelings anymore im just hanging on day by day for my kids….

Ah, so you're falling out of love with the guy and want us to validate your "feelings"? As a man, I can tell you that the reason your man even contemplates watching porn or looking at swinger sites is because he is not getting enough sex. Are you really "fat"? Or, at least, are you in bad health to the point that it affects your sex life?

 

[BoSlander]

Im 152 yo and a little chubby only not severly overweight medically his expectation is i should look like a skinny model. Note these are all narcissistic characterastic from him expect me to look like a model. I do sneek in the middle of the night to make him satisfied we are happy when he is happy and when he is mad for stuff i dint even know he gives me silent treatment for a week or act all piss for a couple days..im not falling out of love with him i just have to let it out as im heading towards thinking of going to therapy for my own mental health..

Is he in tip-top shape? And furthermore, is he making the (most) money in the relationship?

 

[BoSlander]

He is Medium built with no muscle, a round stomach no abs, not consider fat or chubby it’s like he looks average with a round stomach…. He is our breadwinner atm until i get my car than ill start doing side gig....

Ok so... you need to do some introspection here... He makes the money in the house and is average build. You, on the other hand, are overweight, do not work and somehow, someway believe you "deserve" more.

How do you think your husband would feel if he were to find out his wife was in a marriage forum complaining about him watching swingers porn? All the while withholding sex because, let me guess, you're "tired"?

 

[BoSlander]

Ok??? Im not expecting more from him im expecting him to treat me with respect! How do you please someone if they just keep shutting you down and calling u fat ect..when i was 120lb it’s all
Good and lovey dovey and when i birth 4 kids in a 7 year span and too busy to keep up with my weight than u think he should treat me like that.. im not gonna come to him to please him if he treat me this way and if its because of this he on swinger porn site he don’t deserve me or the kids.. if he wants to come at me for sex im fine with it ill have sex but im not going to come at him unless he change his way….

I honestly believe the swinger porn is your weird mental way of absolving yourself of the pain you're about to inflict on your family.

Overweight, unemployed and with kids? You're about to essentially socially cripple your children with your decision.

It would be much easier for you to lose the weight, find a job and find a way to love your husband.

 

[BoSlander]

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[BoSlander]

@ BeyondRepair007

Oh wait...so we're going to blame OP now for her husband treating her badly; calling her names and hurting her feelings? Is that the game?

No, no, it's not about blame... sometimes there isn't a better answer. Sometimes "be a better wife/husband!" IS the answer.

It's clear that the OP is here seeking to get her feelings validated. HE is clearly fulfilling his side of the contract, which is to provide and protect.

SHE ISN'T. She is here looking for excuses and her "feelings" (whatever that is) and his porn watching activities are The Excuse. What she is trying to do is freaking awful.

 

[BoSlander]

We disagree on this. Providing and protecting is not adequate for a marriage. It’s one small piece of it..the barebones essentials.

Women (and men) need to feel needed, loved, and appreciated/respected, at least on some level. And there needs to be some harmony in the household. In my opinion, it is the responsibility of the man to lead the way in having this environment, while also providing and protecting.

Her husband is a turd and she’s living in a hostile environment.

I agree with your point about OP having part of the blame in relationship problems, that’s true of all marital issues. It’s never 100% one-sided (exceptions for infidelity and abuse).

But one can’t even begin to work on other issues if the environment is crap to begin with and hubby is doesn’t have the basics of being a good husband. He would just take advantage of her good nature if she bent over backwards even further.

OP does need to have her feelings validated. That’s exactly why every poster makes an OP. They need some more eyes on their situation and external thoughts about the way forward. This OP is no different.

And what do you think is going to happen to her if she keeps going down this path? She's overweight, with kids and no job. She's going down the wrong path, effectively setting the stage to morphing into a walkaway wife.

My opinion is that she has to become a better wife: lose the weight, get a job and become a pillar in the marriage. Don't dump everything on the husband and then withhold sex. That is a recipe for matrimonial disaster. We males know that when our wives tune out the sex, it drives us crazy and WE begin to act up. Which probably explains his behavior. Having a high level of testosterone makes you yell at stop signs... The wives can and do regulate these levels with a decent amount of sexual activity. Without sex, the wife become the stop sign.

Her marriage is EASILY recoverable. There's no adultery... he doesn't have "special friends," doesn't do drugs or is an alcoholic. They both, BUT SPECIALLY HER, have to be better husbands/wives.

And then let's not forget about the kids. The kids have a better chance of not becoming socially crippled if both of the parents work things out. Not only that, if they both work it out, the kids will grow up knowing that 1) they will have fights with people they love and 2) they can negotiate common ground and 3) they can reach an agreement that makes the entire family better. A VERY valuable lesson.