Talk About Marriage banner
21 - 28 of 28 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,019 Posts
Although I think I remember reading here that someone tried that and she was fine and dandy with him not trying anymore.
I was definitely one... :) there is a very easy solution to all of this. Don't get married. In my next life, if I don't return as an aardvark, I will be on the Mediterranean Sea, fishing mainly. Hopefully, not corpses of children from Africa.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
953 Posts
I think she’s resentful that you aren’t emotionally connected to her. Perhaps you aren’t taking time to find out what she needs?

I think my wife would secretly hate me a bit if I tried to use porn to get her or myself going. I think she’d think “I’m not enough for him?”.

Sex sounds very transactional where you’re at right now.... you get yours and she gets hers but unloving and not passionate. Isn’t that what it becomes though when you queue up porn beforehand? Isn’t that sort of demonstrating that it’s not really about you and her sharing a unique and special moment... more like a circus act (kind of gross in my opinion 🤢).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,281 Posts
I think she’s resentful that you aren’t emotionally connected to her. Perhaps you aren’t taking time to find out what she needs?

I think my wife would secretly hate me a bit if I tried to use porn to get her or myself going. I think she’d think “I’m not enough for him?”.

Sex sounds very transactional where you’re at right now.... you get yours and she gets hers but unloving and not passionate. Isn’t that what it becomes though when you queue up porn beforehand? Isn’t that sort of demonstrating that it’s not really about you and her sharing a unique and special moment... more like a circus act (kind of gross in my opinion 🤢).
It takes two, CD. He’s trying, he’s chasing. I know how you feel about porn, but it may be as much her idea as his.
OP’s wife has no romantic interest in him.

how to get that back? Start heading the other direction. If she doesn’t try to catch the train, leave her. What else can he do?

one can’t make a person love them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
953 Posts
It takes two, CD. He’s trying, he’s chasing. I know how you feel about porn, but it may be as much her idea as his.
OP’s wife has no romantic interest in him.

how to get that back? Start heading the other direction. If she doesn’t try to catch the train, leave her. What else can he do?

one can’t make a person love them.
I’d say he should quit worrying about the bad sex and just try to woo her and emotionally connect. Take her to dinner or out on romantic getaways and talk a little and listen a lot. Drop the porn and OP should just generally try and clean himself up and figure out what’s going on in her head. I think he’s probably done something offensive and she’s kind of shutting down and is too beat down to fight with him over it. She must be still invested in the marriage if she’s doing her “duty” albeit with porn and alcohol.

Dropping the porn is always a good idea. If it’s her crutch- he’ll then know it.

I’d say don’t drink next time to and ask her not to. If she can’t/won’t have sex with him without alcohol- that’d be enlightening to know.

She’s either resentful, depressed, or not attracted... OP should work to figure this out. She may be unwilling to verbalize it if “not attracted”.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,293 Posts
I think he’s probably done something offensive and she’s kind of shutting down and is too beat down to fight with him over it. She must be still invested in the marriage if she’s doing her “duty” albeit with porn and alcohol.
Speculation all around but who cares. Trying to patch together a marriage with alcohol porn and duty is no way to go. She says she needs emotional connection. He needs to know "what that looks like". If she can't tell him, he CAN'T know. Investment, in my experience, amounts to comfort.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
64 Posts
OP, if you haven't, you might try reading Fall In Love, Stay In Love by Willard Harley. It may help you figure out where the disconnect is happening and give you some ideas on how to fix it.

When your wife says she needs an emotional connection in order to want sex, that isn't really all that unusual. Most guys get their emotional needs met through sex. Most women do not. Rather, they feel sexual when their emotional needs are being met. Most women's top emotional needs are intimate conversation and non-sexual affection, although your wife's might be something else. Chances are good, though, that her top emotional needs are not the same as yours. That's okay. It just means that you two should be trying to spend quality time connecting in ways that fulfill both of your emotional needs. Sex may make you feel emotionally close to your wife, but it probably won't really make her feel emotionally close to you.

When she says she doesn't feel emotionally connected to you, it's probably true. The fact that you don't know what her top love languages are means that you two aren't really all that well connected, emotionally speaking. If you knew her in an emotionally intimate way, then you'd have a very good idea of what her love languages are without even having to ask her. Just as she would know yours. The truth is that neither of you are really having your own love languages fulfilled and probably aren't fulfilling one another's either. Have you tried to figure out what her top love languages are? Have you asked her, or experimented to find out? If not, then try one or both of those tactics.

Oh, and "quality time" isn't usually being provided by watching tv or a movie then switching to a bit of porn, knocking a few drinks back then jumping into sex. You two need to go out alone together and do fun, date-like, things that involve being actively engaged with paying attention to one another. Consistently. If the thought of an evening out without watching a game on the big screen behind the bar, or an entire dinner where neither of you pick up your phones, seem daunting, then you two are definitely way out of practice at that whole quality time thing.....
I want to echo Rowan. I consider his perspective wise. I'm a divorce attorney with 25 years experience plus my own share of relationships, both good and bad. In my experience, sex is like the canary in the coal mine. When it goes sideways, it's telling you there are deeper issues that need to be addressed. I'm a fan of couples counseling. It can help people to understanding each other, reopening lines of communication. When the communication improves, like magic the sex does too.

Your wife is being really straight about this. I recommend getting into therapy now because, over time the wall can get thicker and more difficult to breach. Sometimes the other spouse will have an affair because their emotional needs aren't getting met. Someone comes along who seems to promise to meet those needs and he or she finds himself or herself wildly infatuated, though there was originally no interest in straying from or betraying the other. Once things go that far, it can be really hard (or impossible) to clean up the mess. The pain of betrayal, for most folks, is really awful.

Since you clearly love your wife and want to be with her, jump on this now. Invite her into couples counseling and go weekly until things get straightened out. If she refuses, suggest you each do individual counseling on a weekly basis. If you want your marriage to survive and thrive, don't ignore the canary.
 
21 - 28 of 28 Posts
Top