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Hello. Newbie here. Lots of great info on here. Hoping to get some advice from you all. This post may be long so here goes.
After 20 years of a good marriage the past 2-3 have been frustrating. The only time we have sex is Saturday night (occasionally Friday). It's always after drinking and watching movies or music videos we stream a little porn. Then off to bed She seems to not want much foreplay anymore. Rushes to orgasms then expects me to hurry up. The is is hard for me after drinking and being up way later than normal. I have mentioned several times that I would like to have sex sober and earlier but no luck.There have been two times recently she asked me during if I was going to finish (her not having an O either) I say no we both jump out of bed like lightning hit us.She told me recently that she needs an emotional connection to have sex so I've been reading a lot of good stuff. Found out my love language is physical contact with quality time being a very close second. Also learned I'm definitely the classic hot one . so I've been working on turning my temp down, and truly listening to her without trying to solve a problem. We still joke around, have fun, etc. But something is still missing. I'm afraid to initiate a deep conversation about these things as she takes everything as me pointing a finger even when I tell her it's not. We don't fight. Rarely disagree. And what we do disagree on we both respect each other and leave it at that. I could go on but hopefully this is enough info. PS- please no "just walk away" stuff. I will never leave her even if we never have sex again. TIA
 

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Hello. Newbie here. Lots of great info on here. Hoping to get some advice from you all. This post may be long so here goes.
After 20 years of a good marriage the past 2-3 have been frustrating. The only time we have sex is Saturday night (occasionally Friday). It's always after drinking and watching movies or music videos we stream a little porn. Then off to bed She seems to not want much foreplay anymore. Rushes to orgasms then expects me to hurry up. The is is hard for me after drinking and being up way later than normal. I have mentioned several times that I would like to have sex sober and earlier but no luck.There have been two times recently she asked me during if I was going to finish (her not having an O either) I say no we both jump out of bed like lightning hit us.She told me recently that she needs an emotional connection to have sex so I've been reading a lot of good stuff. Found out my love language is physical contact with quality time being a very close second. Also learned I'm definitely the classic hot one . so I've been working on turning my temp down, and truly listening to her without trying to solve a problem. We still joke around, have fun, etc. But something is still missing. I'm afraid to initiate a deep conversation about these things as she takes everything as me pointing a finger even when I tell her it's not. We don't fight. Rarely disagree. And what we do disagree on we both respect each other and leave it at that. I could go on but hopefully this is enough info. PS- please no "just walk away" stuff. I will never leave her even if we never have sex again. TIA
Your problems sound fixable, but be careful in that she probably doesn't look at things quite the same as you do or as you think she does. You're doing the right things by investigating love languages and trying to understand her. She's telling you she needs an emotional connection, and you're trying to figure out how to do that. Good for you.

You will get some honest answers here from people who have been where you are. Consider those answers before you dismiss them as "walk away" talk. Everyone posting here is trying to help. Welcome.
 

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What stuck out in your story to me is your wife says she needs an emotional connection to have sex. I have two points on that, why doesn't she have a connection with you after 20yrs???

The other point, if her favorite male celebrity, would she need an emotional connection to jump him? Probably not.
 

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What stuck out in your story to me is your wife says she needs an emotional connection to have sex. I have two points on that, why doesn't she have a connection with you after 20yrs???
This. What exactly does she deem an emotional connection beyond what you are already doing?

Also, the next time she asks you to "hurry up", you should stop completely. Then, once things have cooled off, ask her if it would be okay for you to tell her to hurry up when talking to you about her day.

Continuing in that situation makes you resent her for asking you to hurry up, and yourself for actually complying.

Lastly, what is your/her physical condition like? Hygiene? Weight?

I ask because a few years back, a guy came to this site with a sexless marriage, and it took 6 months to disclose that he was morbidly obese when his wife wasn't, and had become that way during the course of their marriage.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Also, the next time she asks you to "hurry up", you should stop completely. Then, once things have cooled off, ask her if it would be okay for you to tell her to hurry up when talking to you about her day.
Are you trying to get the poor guy killed?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
What stuck out in your story to me is your wife says she needs an emotional connection to have sex. I have two points on that, why doesn't she have a connection with you after 20yrs???

The other point, if her favorite male celebrity, would she need an emotional connection to jump him? Probably not.
We used to have a better connection. I feel it also. I think being the hotter one I have made her pull away over the years. I think I really have "smothered" her by doing the classic hot partner stuff. For your other point, funny how that works isn't it?
 

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We used to have a better connection. I feel it also. I think being the hotter one I have made her pull away over the years. I think I really have "smothered" her by doing the classic hot partner stuff. For your other point, funny how that works isn't it?
She needs an emotional connection to F her husband of 20 years? She has only been able to have sex with you by getting buzzed or watching porn. That is NOT good. Occasionally those can enhance the sex but it shouldn't be needed.
I'm concerned that you have a more serious problem than the LD wife we read out. To me, it sounds like a wife who lost her connection because she attached to someone else.
 

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The only time we have sex is Saturday night (occasionally Friday). It's always after drinking and watching movies or music videos we stream a little porn.
She told me recently that she needs an emotional connection to have sex
^^This^^ has me a bit perplexed. If your wife really wants this "emotional connection" as she claims, she's certainly not going to get it by passively watching the tube and getting buzzed before having sex. Also, you claim you can't have discussions

I'm afraid to initiate a deep conversation about these things as she takes everything as me pointing a finger even when I tell her it's not.
I call total b.s. on her emotional connection crap. It's just an excuse for her to not have sex with you. How the heck are you supposed to have this mystical, deep connection if she gets defensive when you try to have "deep" conversations. True emotional connection occurs when two people can be vulnerable and confide in one another. That's certainly not happening in your marriage.
 

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We used to have a better connection. I feel it also. I think being the hotter one I have made her pull away over the years. I think I really have "smothered" her by doing the classic hot partner stuff. For your other point, funny how that works isn't it?
Sorry to be dense, but when you say you are the hotter one, are you referring to appearance or temperament?
 

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Hello. Newbie here. Lots of great info on here. Hoping to get some advice from you all. This post may be long so here goes.
After 20 years of a good marriage the past 2-3 have been frustrating. The only time we have sex is Saturday night (occasionally Friday). It's always after drinking and watching movies or music videos we stream a little porn. Then off to bed She seems to not want much foreplay anymore. Rushes to orgasms then expects me to hurry up. The is is hard for me after drinking and being up way later than normal. I have mentioned several times that I would like to have sex sober and earlier but no luck.There have been two times recently she asked me during if I was going to finish (her not having an O either) I say no we both jump out of bed like lightning hit us.She told me recently that she needs an emotional connection to have sex so I've been reading a lot of good stuff. Found out my love language is physical contact with quality time being a very close second. Also learned I'm definitely the classic hot one . so I've been working on turning my temp down, and truly listening to her without trying to solve a problem. We still joke around, have fun, etc. But something is still missing. I'm afraid to initiate a deep conversation about these things as she takes everything as me pointing a finger even when I tell her it's not. We don't fight. Rarely disagree. And what we do disagree on we both respect each other and leave it at that. I could go on but hopefully this is enough info. PS- please no "just walk away" stuff. I will never leave her even if we never have sex again. TIA
Apologies for all of the questions, but answering them if only to yourself may point toward what is going on.

What are your ages? Children? Do both of you work outside of the home? What happened/was happening 2-3 years ago? Was frequency higher say 5 years ago? Back then was alcohol necessary aid? Back then was she in a rush to get intimacy over with? Did she enjoy herself back then? How does she spend her days and nights during the week?

Your first sentence points toward something that somehow changed the dynamic from "good" to "frustrating". Your description is of a wife tolerating rather than enjoying your company. In order to tolerate sex with you she needs some alcohol onboard and wants it over as quickly as possible. She may be faking orgasm to get done with it ASAP and resents being expected to have sex with you.

Is she implying that she has lost her emotional connection with you after two decades married? If so, why and when? 2-3 years ago? Exploring that by asking her may have her spill out what she is hiding/resenting. It sure sounds to me like she started disengaging from you a few years ago and is now totally unhooked. If so, sad to say it isn't likely repairable.
 

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“Emotional connection”- anything besides thinking of you like a brother/roommate.

Wouldn’t marriages be great if you took the good parts of them like the children(for most) and the bonding over early morning coffee, the 3 am giggles and the solidarity of the same name and just had our sexual needs met elsewhere when it all gets too familiar?

This site every single day with the no sex marriages. It’s all the same. Familiarity with your spouse to the point that it feels like you’re trying to have sex with your sibling 🤮 is what probably causes most of the turmoil.

But we can’t just get our sexual needs met elsewhere, can we? Because then we’re scum bag cheaters. Unless we’re polyamory, which isn’t what most people can handle. I know I couldn’t. No matter what I just said. ^ 😬

Women are weird. They never want what’s too easy. The smell of men’s desperation and of ‘expectation’ sex is a repellant. Maintenance sex sucks too.

I would guess that it takes several years to get to that point of familiarity though. I don’t know the answer to it. Maybe switch it up on her. Don’t ask for sex. Make her wonder why you’re not jumping her. Although I think I remember reading here that someone tried that and she was fine and dandy with him not trying anymore. It’s a tough situation. Very common, unfortunately.
 

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When I read a story like this, I just think back to Pavlov's dogs and the concept of conditioned response.

It amazes me how a married couple will establish patterns and "condition" each other over many years to turn sex from something fun, exploratory, and playful into effectively ringing a bell to achieve orgasm.

I am a fan of Chapman's 5 languages of love, but you and your wife need to "break your conditioning" habits.

Good luck.
 

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OP, if you haven't, you might try reading Fall In Love, Stay In Love by Willard Harley. It may help you figure out where the disconnect is happening and give you some ideas on how to fix it.

When your wife says she needs an emotional connection in order to want sex, that isn't really all that unusual. Most guys get their emotional needs met through sex. Most women do not. Rather, they feel sexual when their emotional needs are being met. Most women's top emotional needs are intimate conversation and non-sexual affection, although your wife's might be something else. Chances are good, though, that her top emotional needs are not the same as yours. That's okay. It just means that you two should be trying to spend quality time connecting in ways that fulfill both of your emotional needs. Sex may make you feel emotionally close to your wife, but it probably won't really make her feel emotionally close to you.

When she says she doesn't feel emotionally connected to you, it's probably true. The fact that you don't know what her top love languages are means that you two aren't really all that well connected, emotionally speaking. If you knew her in an emotionally intimate way, then you'd have a very good idea of what her love languages are without even having to ask her. Just as she would know yours. The truth is that neither of you are really having your own love languages fulfilled and probably aren't fulfilling one another's either. Have you tried to figure out what her top love languages are? Have you asked her, or experimented to find out? If not, then try one or both of those tactics.

Oh, and "quality time" isn't usually being provided by watching tv or a movie then switching to a bit of porn, knocking a few drinks back then jumping into sex. You two need to go out alone together and do fun, date-like, things that involve being actively engaged with paying attention to one another. Consistently. If the thought of an evening out without watching a game on the big screen behind the bar, or an entire dinner where neither of you pick up your phones, seem daunting, then you two are definitely way out of practice at that whole quality time thing.....
 

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“I’m the hotter partner” and “classic hot partner stuff”.

I have no clue what that means.

“I will never leave her even if we never have sex again”. This is your problem. You have your wife on a pedestal, you feel like you’ll never find a woman as good as her, she has all the power in the relationshipshe knows you’re not going anywhere. As a result, she’s lost any desire for you as a romantic partner that a woman feels the need to pursue.
Your weak behavior has contributed to ruining the marriage.

The only thing that MIGHT work for you is working out, dressing differently, being more aloof, and letting your wife think you’re out the door and causing her to possibly want to reel YOU back in. You’ll never have good sex with your wife again, and it may not be your choice to stay married to her, if you don’t change this attitude of yours.

Think about it. Your own wife has to be drunk to screw you and even then, asks you to hurry up and finish. If you’re ok with that, you are obviously having some problems.
 

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It's always after drinking and watching movies or music videos we stream a little porn.
^This. Change the routine. The porn has her primed but the alcohol has done a number on you. If a couple can't have sex without being buzzed, something is amiss.
 

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the good parts of them like the children(for most) and the bonding over early morning coffee, the 3 am giggles and the solidarity of the same name
What planet are you from? Women all over the world are rebelling over the name solidarity. You Bond when you aren't even awake. Children are temporary. The only interaction i have at 3 am is to roll over and say WTF you are still reading?
 

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What planet are you from? Women all over the world are rebelling over the name solidarity. You Bond when you aren't even awake. Children are temporary. The only interaction i have at 3 am is to roll over and say WTF you are still reading?
What planet am I from? What do you mean? Who’s rebelling? Woke women that think they don’t need men? I am not one of those. I actually love men if they’re not irritating assholes. What’s your point?
 
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