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Yesterday she got her period. Last time was the first week of July. So this seems like she is on almost 3 months cycles. She reminded me that I would need to use condoms for sex because she is still fertile.

She also keeps bringing up getting a dog, which I don't want and either do my kids. She doesn't seem to care that no one wants this except her. If we were in a better spot I would consider it to make her happy. I know this sounds juvenile, but since she doesn't seem to care much about making me happy, why should I care what she wants. to be happy.
It doesn't sound juvenile at all, it sounds hopeless and frustrated. And THIS is the type of toxicity that can take root when we don't feel cared about or even seen by our partners, and when we are unwilling to set boundaries about how we are going to be treated in our relationships.

This feeling you have right now - that you don't care about her and making her happy - is undermining the connection that you two have, and it's only going to GROW as long as you tolerate the intolerable. I don't have an answer for how you can force yourself to swallow a fist full of broken glass just so you can keep your family together and cater to an uncaring partner.

But I can tell you what WILL happen to you and your attitude (and your relationship) if you keep trying to swallow that glass, piece by piece -- you will become a shell of the person you were when you felt loved and wanted, and you will become bitter and resentful, and YOU will become cold towards HER the way she was to you...and the attachment and connection you feel right now will shrivel and die. Only by then, you will be 60+, and kicking yourself for wasting all of your time with a woman who only wanted to use you as a husband appliance, and who stopped valuing YOU.

Right now, you are making choices and operating out of FEAR - fear of what you will lose. But that is hobbling you. You are severely limiting your options when you do that. You need to advocate for yourself without fear, because no one else is taking care of you and making sure your needs get met.

Right now, you don't have a true partner...and that's not because she won't have sex with you, it's because she doesn't really CARE about you. She doesn't VALUE you as her partner either, because she believes you will never leave, so she's "got" you. And for HER type of person, as long as you keep reassuring her and making her feel secure, she will not value you.

Remember when you were so relieved that she forgave you for demanding that your needs be recognized in YOUR marriage...?? Well, THIS is exactly what you were working to get back. You CHOSE THIS.

And that's ok, if you can live with it and be happy...but look at it and SEE it for what it truly is.
 

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Discussion Starter · #382 ·
It doesn't sound juvenile at all, it sounds hopeless and frustrated. And THIS is the type of toxicity that can take root when we don't feel cared about or even seen by our partners, and when we are unwilling to set boundaries about how we are going to be treated in our relationships.

This feeling you have right now - that you don't care about her and making her happy - is undermining the connection that you two have, and it's only going to GROW as long as you tolerate the intolerable. I don't have an answer for how you can force yourself to swallow a fist full of broken glass just so you can keep your family together and cater to an uncaring partner.

But I can tell you what WILL happen to you and your attitude (and your relationship) if you keep trying to swallow that glass, piece by piece -- you will become a shell of the person you were when you felt loved and wanted, and you will become bitter and resentful, and YOU will become cold towards HER the way she was to you...and the attachment and connection you feel right now will shrivel and die. Only by then, you will be 60+, and kicking yourself for wasting all of your time with a woman who only wanted to use you as a husband appliance, and who stopped valuing YOU.

Right now, you are making choices and operating out of FEAR - fear of what you will lose. But that is hobbling you. You are severely limiting your options when you do that. You need to advocate for yourself without fear, because no one else is taking care of you and making sure your needs get met.

Right now, you don't have a true partner...and that's not because she won't have sex with you, it's because she doesn't really CARE about you. She doesn't VALUE you as her partner either, because she believes you will never leave, so she's "got" you. And for HER type of person, as long as you keep reassuring her and making her feel secure, she will not value you.

Remember when you were so relieved that she forgave you for demanding that your needs be recognized in YOUR marriage...?? Well, THIS is exactly what you were working to get back. You CHOSE THIS.

And that's ok, if you can live with it and be happy...but look at it and SEE it for what it truly is.
I am still hoping things might change. I know the odds are slim they will without me showing some backbone.

It's really weird because the only time we have had decent sex recently is after we have had a fight and made up. The sex without fighting has generally been awful, actually downright terrible and even humiliating. I don't understand this. I am not sure why I have put up with it, and finished when she is saying awful things to me.
 

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The after fight sex is nothing but bait to keep you on the hook. Have a Costanza month where you do the opposite of what you think you should do regarding her.
feel like being sweet to her? Be an ashoot.
Want to do as she asks and take the trash out? Tell her to go screw herself. LeArn how to not be a doormat. She might learn how to actually make an effort to bait you a little better at least.
 

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I am still hoping things might change. I know the odds are slim they will without me showing some backbone.

It's really weird because the only time we have had decent sex recently is after we have had a fight and made up. The sex without fighting has generally been awful, actually downright terrible and even humiliating. I don't understand this. I am not sure why I have put up with it, and finished when she is saying awful things to me.
It sounds like YOU are engaging in sex with her for connection and pleasure, and SHE is engaging in sex with you for power. That could be why you feel humiliated and disconnected. The only way to stop this (and it may not even work) is to stop having sex with her. You are just reinforcing to her that what she is doing, and her selfish, unloving way of relating to you, is ok and effective for keeping things the way SHE wants them.

Like I said, she IS NOT being a true PARTNER to you. And she has NO incentive to be, because that's NOT what her goal is for your relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter · #386 ·
@Underground66, have you ever stopped initiating sex with her...? What do you think would happen if you did??
I think that we would not have any sex. She rarely ever initiated, I really only can remember a couple times she did before we had the fight recently.

Now she is mad at me again. On Sunday I tried to initiate and she said she didn't want to because I drank too much. . When she turned me down was to go down to the kitchen to give us some space for a couple minutes and she followed me down to see what I was doing. I guess she found it weird that was my reaction. Then she said she was a little scared of me. This is a new one on me. So she slept on the couch.

Last night before we went to sleep she told me she was still have lingering blood from her period, that started 8 days ago. Anyway we kissed good night and then I had to get up because of the kids. I said good night again and she moved away from me and was like I already kissed you. I was like I wasn't trying to kiss you again, but is it really that bad if I was.
 

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I think that we would not have any sex. She rarely ever initiated, I really only can remember a couple times she did before we had the fight recently.

Now she is mad at me again. On Sunday I tried to initiate and she said she didn't want to because I drank too much. . When she turned me down was to go down to the kitchen to give us some space for a couple minutes and she followed me down to see what I was doing. I guess she found it weird that was my reaction. Then she said she was a little scared of me. This is a new one on me. So she slept on the couch.

Last night before we went to sleep she told me she was still have lingering blood from her period, that started 8 days ago. Anyway we kissed good night and then I had to get up because of the kids. I said good night again and she moved away from me and was like I already kissed you. I was like I wasn't trying to kiss you again, but is it really that bad if I was.
This sounds like a totally toxic relationship. I know you have kids, but are they really growing up in the best environment?
 

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I think that we would not have any sex. She rarely ever initiated, I really only can remember a couple times she did before we had the fight recently.

Now she is mad at me again. On Sunday I tried to initiate and she said she didn't want to because I drank too much. . When she turned me down was to go down to the kitchen to give us some space for a couple minutes and she followed me down to see what I was doing. I guess she found it weird that was my reaction. Then she said she was a little scared of me. This is a new one on me. So she slept on the couch.

Last night before we went to sleep she told me she was still have lingering blood from her period, that started 8 days ago. Anyway we kissed good night and then I had to get up because of the kids. I said good night again and she moved away from me and was like I already kissed you. I was like I wasn't trying to kiss you again, but is it really that bad if I was.
I would love to hear her side of this. I'm sure you aren't nearly the victim you make yourself out to be.
 

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I think that we would not have any sex. She rarely ever initiated, I really only can remember a couple times she did before we had the fight recently.

Now she is mad at me again. On Sunday I tried to initiate and she said she didn't want to because I drank too much. . When she turned me down was to go down to the kitchen to give us some space for a couple minutes and she followed me down to see what I was doing. I guess she found it weird that was my reaction. Then she said she was a little scared of me. This is a new one on me. So she slept on the couch.

Last night before we went to sleep she told me she was still have lingering blood from her period, that started 8 days ago. Anyway we kissed good night and then I had to get up because of the kids. I said good night again and she moved away from me and was like I already kissed you. I was like I wasn't trying to kiss you again, but is it really that bad if I was.
This sounds like you have major unspoken issues that neither of you have ever addressed or even acknowledged (if you even knew)...it sounds like she is willing to burn everything down to regain her power in your relationship, just like my STBX was willing to do. Are you sure she even loves you?

Let me be clear here -- I see NO way for you to overcome this on your own...it is NOT going to be possible for you to rug sweep this and "nice" her back to your original dynamic of her being annoyed and disinterested in you, and barely tolerating your sexuality and attention to her. It sounds like you've shaken her up, and now she wants MORE domination of you in order to feel "safe" with you, she wants to be higher above you than she was before, because from what you've written about her, it sounds like what I said - she wants the ultimate power in your relationship, and she is bristling now that you've challenged that.

She is the queen (or princess), and you are the manservant. And you've allowed that for so long that she is probably confused about why you are trying to change things now, and she doesn't like that feeling. And like I said earlier in your thread, almost NO ONE EVER gives up this kind of position in their relationships once they have established themselves there. She might not even want an equal partner, she might only want a man who is her servant. It's important for you to figure that out, so you know what is expected of you, and if you can be happy with that.

This dynamic IS NOT sustainable. There is NO happy ending here without you getting professional help together, for communicating and for understanding each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #390 ·
I would love to hear her side of this. I'm sure you aren't nearly the victim you make yourself out to be.
I am certain you would get another side to this as two people witnessing an accident might report on it differently.

However, my perception of things is my reality. This is how I see things.

Now as I have said several times before that we are together almost 24*7, so this is my first free time today to respond. With that many of my responses are often quick and to the point without much thought as I just don't have the alone time to do so. This isn't done to make myself look better, it's just to the point, this is how I saw/experienced what happened.

If I come across as the victim, so be it. I am just trying to make something of a marriage that seems to be spiraling downward. I am not making the best choices doing this, and I wish I were handling things better. It is impacting my job and other things.

The main thing is, my marriage, while not perfect, was good enough for 13 years for both of us and then my wife decided to change the rules. I didn't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #391 ·
This sounds like you have major unspoken issues that neither of you have ever addressed or even acknowledged (if you even knew)...it sounds like she is willing to burn everything down to regain her power in your relationship, just like my STBX was willing to do. Are you sure she even loves you?

Let me be clear here -- I see NO way for you to overcome this on your own...it is NOT going to be possible for you to rug sweep this and "nice" her back to your original dynamic of her being annoyed and disinterested in you, and barely tolerating your sexuality and attention to her. It sounds like you've shaken her up, and now she wants MORE domination of you in order to feel "safe" with you, she wants to be higher above you than she was before, because from what you've written about her, it sounds like what I said - she wants the ultimate power in your relationship, and she is bristling now that you've challenged that.

She is the queen (or princess), and you are the manservant. And you've allowed that for so long that she is probably confused about why you are trying to change things now, and she doesn't like that feeling. And like I said earlier in your thread, almost NO ONE EVER gives up this kind of position in their relationships once they have established themselves there. She might not even want an equal partner, she might only want a man who is her servant. It's important for you to figure that out, so you know what is expected of you, and if you can be happy with that.

This dynamic IS NOT sustainable. There is NO happy ending here without you getting professional help together, for communicating and for understanding each other.
I think she does love me, definitely not for a long time in love with me. We do, believe or not, get along quite well outside the bedroom. We take walks together, cook and clean together, make plans and try to help our children out.

I did speak to her today about her communication style. Which is to not let other people speak or finish sentences, and because she just started doing this to my 13 year old I was able to get some points across, where if it would have been about me I would not have.

I don't think she would be up for getting professional help yet. When I suggested it in 2013, she wouldn't go so I went alone.

I don't really know where we are headed, I see several things to yet try before I give up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #392 ·
This sounds like a totally toxic relationship. I know you have kids, but are they really growing up in the best environment?
I don't think the relationship is toxic. I think we are having a rough patch that perhaps we can get out of. It happened before in 2013, hopefully it will happen again, And it was much worse back then.
 

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I don't think the relationship is toxic. I think we are having a rough patch that perhaps we can get out of. It happened before in 2013, hopefully it will happen again, And it was much worse back then.
In these forums the negative always gets emphasis and there are few details about the good. Once you described some of the more positive aspects of your marriage it sounds a little less toxic. I genuinely hope you are correct and you can find a way to be happy and married.
 

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In these forums the negative always gets emphasis and there are few details about the good. Once you described some of the more positive aspects of your marriage it sounds a little less toxic. I genuinely hope you are correct and you can find a way to be happy and married.
ME TOO!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #395 ·
In these forums the negative always gets emphasis and there are few details about the good. Once you described some of the more positive aspects of your marriage it sounds a little less toxic. I genuinely hope you are correct and you can find a way to be happy and married.
Thanks, you are correct, I have only posted the negative and none of the positive.

My wife is a generous, sweet, lady who is my best friend. She loves my kids to death and spends countless time helping them out. She is hard working with both her job and around the house. She likes to do things for others, when I visit my Mom she will bake her favorite cookies for example. I have learned a lot from her and I enjoy spending time with her. I love a lot of the little things she does, some of which I would never tell her so she won't be self conscience of them. I could go on and on, but I hope folks realize she is really a good person.
 

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The main thing is, my marriage, while not perfect, was good enough for 13 years for both of us and then my wife decided to change the rules. I didn't.
I get the impression she resents you for some reason. Or maybe she is very angry she has to deal with 2 kids with special needs. She resents her life, secretly.
 

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Thanks, you are correct, I have only posted the negative and none of the positive.

My wife is a generous, sweet, lady who is my best friend. She loves my kids to death and spends countless time helping them out. She is hard working with both her job and around the house. She likes to do things for others, when I visit my Mom she will bake her favorite cookies for example. I have learned a lot from her and I enjoy spending time with her. I love a lot of the little things she does, some of which I would never tell her so she won't be self conscience of them. I could go on and on, but I hope folks realize she is really a good person.
You know it doesn't hurt to mention those things you love. You don't have to go crazy with it and do it ALL the time, but I suspect your wife might appreciate it. I can see when I say something along those line to my wife she blushes a little, but I can see in her smile that she appreciates being appreciated. It sets a very positive and loving tone in the relationship.
 
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