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What always gets me pissed is when we have a nice moment, say around 10 p.m., I suggest making love and she says "I'll think about it." Then makes me wait 90 to 120 minutes before she says "no, not feeling it' or "too tired." Sure, by then it's near midnight. I don't get the "think about it" part - this isn't a enormous decision like "should we invade Europe on June 5 or June 6" - and why it takes so long. Very frustrating. I've told her I hate the long wait, nothing changes. She's batting about .600 in that department, says "no" about 6 of 10 times. Last time, I said "it took 90 minutes to decide. How long did you think about it, 90 seconds or 9 seconds." Then, when we are together she comments on how great it is. Color me still confused after 27 years married.
 

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What always gets me pissed is when we have a nice moment, say around 10 p.m., I suggest making love and she says "I'll think about it." Then makes me wait 90 to 120 minutes before she says "no, not feeling it' or "too tired." Sure, by then it's near midnight. I don't get the "think about it" part - this isn't a enormous decision like "should we invade Europe on June 5 or June 6" - and why it takes so long. Very frustrating. I've told her I hate the long wait, nothing changes. She's batting about .600 in that department, says "no" about 6 of 10 times. Last time, I said "it took 90 minutes to decide. How long did you think about it, 90 seconds or 9 seconds." Then, when we are together she comments on how great it is. Color me still confused after 27 years married.
You made the mistake of asking. If your wife, like mine, has responsive desire the answer to that question is almost always going to be no. You have to take actions that trigger her responsive desire. Get her turned on then she will want it.

I never bother to ask my wife for sex, except as a tool to flirt with her and get her in the mood, kind of plant the seed. Really I usually just tell her what I will be doing to her later, again to get her turned on and trigger her responsive desire.

If we are already in bed I'll just start making moves on her to put her in the mood. One thing that helps is we always go to bed naked, so all the physical barriers have been removed.
 

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What always gets me pissed is when we have a nice moment, say around 10 p.m., I suggest making love and she says "I'll think about it." Then makes me wait 90 to 120 minutes before she says "no, not feeling it' or "too tired." Sure, by then it's near midnight. I don't get the "think about it" part - this isn't a enormous decision like "should we invade Europe on June 5 or June 6" - and why it takes so long. Very frustrating. I've told her I hate the long wait, nothing changes. She's batting about .600 in that department, says "no" about 6 of 10 times. Last time, I said "it took 90 minutes to decide. How long did you think about it, 90 seconds or 9 seconds." Then, when we are together she comments on how great it is. Color me still confused after 27 years married.
Yes, she has responsive desire, so no point in asking beforehand because she will say no. "I'll think about it" is a nice way to say no. Or maybe not so nice, since it's a lie. I hated having to wait in bed until 1am and then be rejected. So, I stopped asking. But then the rejections got too painful, so I asked for a divorce. She gave me (good) duty sex until she had to...
 

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Any idea what she meant by that. To me, sounds like what she wanted out of the marriage.

How did things turn out? Did she go to a hotel?
Could be just a threat!
I don't think she ever thought that @Underground66 will take action regarding the state of their marriage, she was blindsided after all, so she could be acting out and it's just empty threats, OR it could be not, or maybe go halfway through (like hiring a lawyer ..etc) to put some serious pressure on @Underground66 to make him submit back to her will (AKA being a doormat to her), only time and @Underground66 resolve will tell.
 

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Yes, she has responsive desire, so no point in asking beforehand because she will say no. "I'll think about it" is a nice way to say no. Or maybe not so nice, since it's a lie. I hated having to wait in bed until 1am and then be rejected. So, I stopped asking. But then the rejections got too painful, so I asked for a divorce. She gave me (good) duty sex until she had to...
That is definitely just another way of saying no. I mean if she isn't interested now, what will happen over the course of the next hour or two that will get her in the mood? Unless you are laying there watching a porn movie or something, you will have to take action that puts her in the mood.
 

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If she needs to "think about it" for an hour and a half to two hours, she's not interested. Sorry, but that's pretty ridiculous. Why do you even wait? I'd take it as a no, drop the subject, and go do something else away from her until going to bed when YOU want.
 

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If it gets to a point where a spouse has to start threatening divorce just to get something that is expected and normal in a marriage, then the marriage is over IMO. I get that she is menopausal and has no libido, but she could still make the effort. Menopause may kill a woman's libido, but last I checked it doesn't cause a woman's clitoris or G-spot to go numb. Those still work, and she can enjoy orgasms and do the work to pleasure her husband even when the desire machine is not working.

She just doesn't want to. She doesn't feel she has any obligation to care for her partner's needs. That isn't menopause, that is a sh*t attitude and entitlement.
 

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If she needs to "think about it" for an hour and a half to two hours, she's not interested. Sorry, but that's pretty ridiculous. Why do you even wait? I'd take it as a no, drop the subject, and go do something else away from her until going to bed when YOU want.
That’s what I do. Last night around the time I go to bed she announces she’s staying up to work and then comes in for a kiss. I whisper in her ear, “You’re coming to bed first right?” “Nope.” Well ok then.

Sometimes if she wants to work she will wait 20-30m after I go to bed probably hoping I fell asleep, which I’m sure sometimes I do.

The main difference now is my attitude about it. Instead of getting hurt or angry I try to just brush it off and not take it personally.

She’d really rather work that day or watch her ****ty Lifetime movie than have sex with me.

If it becomes a regular thing then we will have another talk about it.
 

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So yesterday we had some people over for drinks and afterwards we had a quickie. But she got really mad because I was taking too long. I thought about your "repulsive" comment and I felt that way to her. It sucked.

This morning I wasn't sure how to react as she knew I was really pissed off last night. She played it off by saying she saw the condom in the garbage and she didn't really remember last night. I know she remembered, but knew she was an jerk to me and she didn't want to deal with the consequences, so she claimed she didn't remember.
If I were you and she pulled that, I would have immediately stopped, and gone to sleep in another room. That's just BS.
 

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Could be just a threat!
I don't think she ever thought that @Underground66 will take action regarding the state of their marriage, she was blindsided after all, so she could be acting out and it's just empty threats, OR it could be not, or maybe go halfway through (like hiring a lawyer ..etc) to put some serious pressure on @Underground66 to make him submit back to her will (AKA being a doormat to her), only time and @Underground66 resolve will tell.
I don't know -- Underground said this:
I wanted to go to counseling with her, but she refused saying I wouldn't want to know what she really wanted at that time
So, what exactly did she mean THEN? -- sounds like she may have wanted OUT even back then...(2013?)
 

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"Women are attracted to the Lord of Manor, not the butler."
-Athol Kay

You have been the loyal servant to her for many years and she has paid your salary with a few minutes of access to her vagina with your condom-covered penis.

Now you are basically doing a labor strike in demand for a higher wage. You are the disgruntled employee with a bad work attitude.

This is an issue of attraction and desire for you on her part. The question you need to be asking yourself is whether your current actions are that of the Lord of the Manor and strong, determined man with plan for navigating the relationship going forward which "MIGHT" effect her attraction levels?

Or are you a disgruntled servant no longer satisfied with your current wage? In which case she will need to determine whether your services warrant a cost of living raise or whether it will be more economical and less hassle to just let you go and find the next one more willing to come to work with a good attitude.......at least for awhile.
 

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Yep, I think you are right about most things.

I don't agree about scoring another woman, I just think she knows that I don't have any plans on being unfaithful, so she feels confident that I won't stray. However, I don't think I would be able to get another woman like her, thin, attractive, and younger
You're not actually with a thin, attractive, younger woman now. At least not in the sense that she is attracted to you or has an actual desire for you.

She is allowing you to provide goods and services for her for a wage of letting you use her vagina for 5 minutes to orgasm into a condom every now and then. But she clearly does not actually desire sexually.
 

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Discussion Starter · #235 ·
So that plan didn't work out too well at all. It was a disaster.

She stopped talking to me, She completely ignored me.

I was miserable. She said she would be sleeping on the couch for now on.

I ended up caving and apologizing. I really couldn't stand her not talking to her and not having her next to me in bed.

She accepted the apology and we are back sort of in the same place. But now I know I don't want to try any other ******** plans, I really do love her, and if this is what I get, that's fine. I will keep trying for more, but I am not going to scheme.

Anyway, Saturday we made up and then she, not me, suggested sex without a condom. I am not sure why she did that, but it was nice.

Chance of her getting pregnant are extremely slim. She has had 2 periods this year. When she tried to get pregnant 13 years ago, we tried for two solid years without success, we had to go to a doctor so she did get pregnant.

I do have some catching up to do on this thread, and I will read through everything and respond soon.
 

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So that plan didn't work out too well at all. It was a disaster.
Okay, so you weren't the Buddha badass on your first try. Remember she is a pro here so it is going to take a few shots, but I don't think this was the disaster you think it was.

You stood up for yourself and then she suggests sex herself, without requiring a condom. Sounds like progress.

Seriously, you unsettled her and even though she browbeat you into an apology she realised she needed to up her game a bit.

My recommendation is that you now just try and work on being more assertive and clear about what you want and what you will accept all the time rather than just doing it in a big blowout argument. I think it could work for you.

Do not be disheartened!
 

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Okay, so you weren't the Buddha badass on your first try. Remember she is a pro here so it is going to take a few shots, but I don't think this was the disaster you think it was.

You stood up for yourself and then she suggests sex herself, without requiring a condom. Sounds like progress.

Seriously, you unsettled her and even though she browbeat you into an apology she realised she needed to up her game a bit.

My recommendation is that you now just try and work on being more assertive and clear about what you want and what you will accept all the time rather than just doing it in a big blowout argument. I think it could work for you.

Do not be disheartened!
In other words, dangle a little jay-jay to build a better beta.

I suggest everyone look up the term 'Hoovering."
 

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Having sex with your own wife using a condom???????? Is there no end to the ******** people will dish out and others take?
 

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In other words, dangle a little jay-jay to build a better beta.

I suggest everyone look up the term 'Hoovering."
Well, if you want to play the armchair psychologist...

They guy needs support in improving his assertiveness.

First time he tries he makes a little dent, causes her to react. Has so little self-confidence that he can't see that so gets hoovered once and is back to 5 minute quickies with the condom. At least my advice suggest he should continue with assertive behaviour and not see this is a 'disaster'.
 
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