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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am 55 and my wife is 45. We have been together for 15 years. We have 3 kids ranging from 13 to 10. Our 2 youngest kids are special needs.

Our sex life after our last kid has been going downhill. My wife has put in new rules like don't touch my breast, don't finger me, don't go down on me etc until now when, if I am lucky, we have 3 quickies a month. My wife will tell me she only doing because I want to. The last year it's gotten even worse since Covid.

Now this where my questions comes in, every now and then my wife will let me go down on her. When I do I have carte blanch touching here everywhere and she normally orgasms. The last time like 3 months ago, she told me it was amazing. Then when I bring this up, she tells me I forced her to do it and she doesn't want to talk about it. This happen a few time a year, where we have great sex and then back to just quickies. This confuses me. How she can enjoy it sometimes, but 99% of the time she won't let me go down on her.

She has told me it's OK if I do whatever I need to do to take care of my sex drive. I don't believe she think I would see prostitute, and honesty I really don't want to go down that road..

I did put on weight after our marriage, but when I lost it nothing changed.

I love my wife and won't leave her, we get along great otherwise, but she doesn't see this as problem and if I bring it up all we do is fight. She says she has no libido, but when I tell her to see a doctor she says she doesn't want to take medicine for it and she would be too embaressed to talk about it. Other times she will say I am too mean to our kids. She lets them walk allover her, and I am stuck being the dissciplne person.

Can she change, why is she like this?
 

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Can she change, why is she like this?
I don't think she can. She told you the reason: she has no libido and she is not interested in sex or doing anything about it. That doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy it occasionally. But she has other priorities. Are you sure everything is ok, otherwise? The comment about being mean to the kids is rather telling...
 

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She's like this because that's her personality. Other women with different personalities would be handling this differently.

You say you won't leave her, so this is what life is like, with her.

Of course she could change, but she doesn't seem to want to.
 

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you find yourself in a strange place you are with a woman that you love
she does not like sex and has told you why ,
just a question WHY you asked her to go to a doctor what is it that makes you think a dr can help
part seems she does not want to fix it
part she is happy for you to join the swinger lifestyle as a bull for other women to have a sexual relationship ,
looks like she has it worked out in her head how she intends to live not only in a sexless marriage but in a
marriage that is open to you playing away from home ,

this does happen don't ask me how it works
and if you can work out how your going to go on been a happy couple don't let me stop you
I don't know if you have worked out how you can embrace this new lifestyle
there are sites that cater for this lifestyle

the only thing i am thinking can both you live your side of this lifestyle
will she want you to take care of your libido with a mistress
is she happy to stay at home alone knowing or suspecting that your out with a mistress or a hot wife or escort
or what ever type mistress you were to find

there are people that can live this life it does happen but are you able for it as well ,
there are people that can't have sex with their partner and they except this but most here will not agree with it
me I think not all couples are the same and I don't demand others to have the same needs and controls
i can not say she is wrong
i can not tell you to take this and act
i think if you do how you do it and how you act to her is going to make the difference

if she is giving you the freedom to do as you want you have to take it as the best gift she can give you
she is doing this out of her love for you she knows you need sex and she knows it is better if you do it with a person
that wants to partake in it than doing it with a wife that is just taking one for the team
as she is offering you this freedom you have to respect her not rub it in her face
not abuse her and not look on her as half a wife

other posters here will be here to tell you to seduce her or that she does not love you but this is posters that
are looking on your relationship with their relationship which they like to say and think is perfect ,
 

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Can she change, why is she like this?
Yes, she can change, but she has to want to change and right now there is no motivation for her to do so. You cannot change her.
I love my wife and won't leave her
So there you have it. You have no leverage. So you can decide to just live with it, or make some changes to yourself. She is not meeting your needs, so if I were in your shoes, I would withdraw from meeting her needs. Right now she is comfortable with her life and sees no need to change. If you withdraw and take care of yourself and your children and leave her in the cold, she will get a taste of what she is doing to you. So whatever you are doing to make her life nice and comfortable, stop it. It won't take long for her to notice and to enter into a conversation about what's going on, then you lay it on the table. Give her some motivation to change herself.
 

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Problems like this aren't actually to do with sex, they are to do with communication. Your wife is, at least, telling you where she stands on sex most of the time and my guess is that those fleeting periods of more keenness are infrequent resurgences of her libido. The questions are you really listening or are you too focussed on either 'fixing' or seeking the 'why' behind her position.

The reality is that she is acting typically as a woman with little to no libido. This could be due to the challenges of motherhood, the onset of the menopause, lack of body confidence, waning physical attraction for you, other stressors or a mixture of all or any of these things.

She has straight up told you that most of the time it is service sex you are getting. Be absolutely clear, this is sex she does not want to have, hence the limits on touch and sexual acts during these times as it either makes the encounter more difficult for her to tolerant or could indeed be painful. She has also told you that she is willing to go through this because she knows you want sex and I presume she cares about that. But this probably comes at some kind of psychological cost to her.

So for me, there are a couple of things to ask yourself right now:

1) is the service sex really sex you want to be having?
2) are there any connecting threads around the times where she seems more interested and involved in sex? Time of the month, your actions, her actions, etc.?

Your wife is entering a time of life that can be very difficult for women and so I think sensitivity is important here.
 

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I am 55 and my wife is 45. We have been together for 15 years. We have 3 kids ranging from 13 to 10. Our 2 youngest kids are special needs.

Our sex life after our last kid has been going downhill. My wife has put in new rules like don't touch my breast, don't finger me, don't go down on me etc until now when, if I am lucky, we have 3 quickies a month. My wife will tell me she only doing because I want to. The last year it's gotten even worse since Covid.

Now this where my questions comes in, every now and then my wife will let me go down on her. When I do I have carte blanch touching here everywhere and she normally orgasms. The last time like 3 months ago, she told me it was amazing. Then when I bring this up, she tells me I forced her to do it and she doesn't want to talk about it. This happen a few time a year, where we have great sex and then back to just quickies. This confuses me. How she can enjoy it sometimes, but 99% of the time she won't let me go down on her.

She has told me it's OK if I do whatever I need to do to take care of my sex drive. I don't believe she think I would see prostitute, and honesty I really don't want to go down that road..

I did put on weight after our marriage, but when I lost it nothing changed.

I love my wife and won't leave her, we get along great otherwise, but she doesn't see this as problem and if I bring it up all we do is fight. She says she has no libido, but when I tell her to see a doctor she says she doesn't want to take medicine for it and she would be too embaressed to talk about it. Other times she will say I am too mean to our kids. She lets them walk allover her, and I am stuck being the dissciplne person.

Can she change, why is she like this?
Is she in early part of menopause? The back and forth you describe sounds like maybe so. Dr can absolutely fix for benefit of both of you, but if she is too embaressed to seek help, doesn't want to take medicine, rather have both of you be miserable, have no advice. Does she have friends her age she could talk with or is she too private for that? My wife had close friends going through menopause and they all went to the same doctor for treatment. She didn't like all the side effects of menopause and eagerly embraced treatment.
 

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Is she in early part of menopause? The back and forth you describe sounds like maybe so. Dr can absolutely fix for benefit of both of you, but if she is too embaressed to seek help, doesn't want to take medicine, rather have both of you be miserable, have no advice. Does she have friends her age she could talk with or is she too private for that? My wife had close friends going through menopause and they all went to the same doctor for treatment. She didn't like all the side effects of menopause and eagerly embraced treatment.
I presume you are talking about HRT. Clearly of benefit to a great many women, but not the global panacea I see it made out to be on this and similar forums for sexual issues in marriages. OP needs to understand that the doctor may not be able to fix the issue with a prescription.
 

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I presume you are talking about HRT. Clearly of benefit to a great many women, but not the global panacea I see it made out to be on this and similar forums for sexual issues in marriages. OP needs to understand that the doctor may not be able to fix the issue with a prescription.
Maybe not, but she will never know if she doesnt see the doctor.
 

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She has told me it's OK if I do whatever I need to do to take care of my sex drive. I don't believe she think I would see prostitute, and honesty I really don't want to go down that road..
This is the most troubling line in your post. Ok to do whatever you need to do? To me that implies she is checked out and not interested in doing the work to try and fix things.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks for all the quick replies. I did want to add more to my story, but my wife woke up so I had to stop. She did say to me one time that the only reason she has sex with me is so I don't hate her. The confusing thing is when we do have good sex (me going down on her) she does enjoy it, but those times are very fleeting and becoming more infrequent.

She is beginning menopause as she is only getting her period every two or three months.

She has a doctor's appointment on Thursday for something else, I had hope she would bring he libido up, but I doubt she will.

I don't think she thinks I would ever stray outside our marriage, so she puts it out there I could do what I want. I think if I followed thru she would then never have sex with me, so maybe she wants me to so she could hold it over me or something, I don't know..



So for me, there are a couple of things to ask yourself right now:

1) is the service sex really sex you want to be having?
2) are there any connecting threads around the times where she seems more interested and involved in sex? Time of the month, your actions, her actions, etc.?

Your wife is entering a time of life that can be very difficult for women and so I think sensitivity is important here.
It's not the sex I want, it's the only sex I can get.
She is more interested in sex when she gets drunk, but that doesn't happen happen much. Otherwise it's when we get to spend time alone together for a while, like once or twice a year when kids are in school and we take off work and do something together like bike rife and then go out to lunch. Or around my birthday.
I have tried to change my attitude when I get rejected all the time, it hurts me, but I do love my wife and I try not to mope about it as I know its a turnoff.

I would love to talk more openly with her about this, but she always shuts down and it ends up as a fight.

Yes, she can change, but she has to want to change and right now there is no motivation for her to do so. You cannot change her.

So there you have it. You have no leverage. So you can decide to just live with it, or make some changes to yourself. She is not meeting your needs, so if I were in your shoes, I would withdraw from meeting her needs. Right now she is comfortable with her life and sees no need to change. If you withdraw and take care of yourself and your children and leave her in the cold, she will get a taste of what she is doing to you. So whatever you are doing to make her life nice and comfortable, stop it. It won't take long for her to notice and to enter into a conversation about what's going on, then you lay it on the table. Give her some motivation to change herself.
This is difficult to do as we are both working from home and we are really together 24 by 7.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
I really hate to ask, but what does it tell you?
My kids have actually told me my wife has a worse temper then I do. She can be downright scary. She does spoil them, but when she gets mad she goes overboard. I do get mad at my kids when they impact my job, They need to be quiet at times so I do yell. I have tried to calm my self and I think I have been a better parent then I was in the past. I honestly feel like she says that as just one of her many excuses.
 

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Otherwise it's when we get to spend time alone together for a while, like once or twice a year when kids are in school and we take off work and do something together like bike rife and then go out to lunch.
So if you date her she is more inclined to have sex. Interesting...

Have you checked out any references on this problem or is this your first stop? Since she responds to you dating her perhaps what she is missing is that.

My wife kind of took me on a date yesterday and I treated her like my hot girlfriend I was trying to bang rather than my wife of over 20 years and it paid off for me big time.
 

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She did say to me one time that the only reason she has sex with me is so I don't hate her.
It's a ****ty thing to say to say, but also a ****ty place to be for her. If she drops out these lines but then stonewalls you, perhaps you need some professional counselling support?

She is beginning menopause as she is only getting her period every two or three months.

She has a doctor's appointment on Thursday for something else, I had hope she would bring he libido up, but I doubt she will.
Well, it isn't a surprise that her libido is shot.

You know that asking her to raise this issue regarding sex with the doc isn't worth raising but what about other symptoms and problems?

I don't think she thinks I would ever stray outside our marriage, so she puts it out there I could do what I want. I think if I followed thru she would then never have sex with me, so maybe she wants me to so she could hold it over me or something, I don't know..
I think she is a perimenopausal woman with kids and a husband who she knows she is not meeting the sexual needs of. I suspect that she is trying to say things that will keep **** together as best she can. You do need to be honest with her that these statements are both hurtful and deeply worrying for you.

It's not the sex I want, it's the only sex I can get.
She is more interested in sex when she gets drunk, but that doesn't happen happen much. Otherwise it's when we get to spend time alone together for a while, like once or twice a year when kids are in school and we take off work and do something together like bike rife and then go out to lunch. Or around my birthday.
I have tried to change my attitude when I get rejected all the time, it hurts me, but I do love my wife and I try not to mope about it as I know its a turnoff.
Yeah so she either needs some time away from being mom of a bit of inhibition loosening juice to get into things. This is absolutely typical. She is probably feeling a bit **** about her body at the moment and in mom-mode a lot. Are there any non-sexual things you can do that can give her some time to just be herself, a woman? You sexual needs are just fitting too closely into the rest of her domestic duties at the moment. Can you both find a bit of time for her and you to laugh together?

I would love to talk more openly with her about this, but she always shuts down and it ends up as a fight.
Don't keep doing what you have always done and expecting different results. Maybe try just spending a bit of quality time together and also seeking some professional support.


This is difficult to do as we are both working from home and we are really together 24 by 7.
Then find a way not to be together all the time. Take the kids out at times, find opportunities of individual hobbies and childfree evenings. It is not easy, especially right now, but your marriage is at the heart of your family and it needs to be a priority.
 
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