Talk About Marriage banner
Cancel

same old story I think.

9421 Views 59 Replies 22 Participants Last post by  Shaggy, 
G
I am a new member and this is my first post. If it ends up being long I apologize in advance, but it is a long story. I won't say what I think about it as I am interested in your opinions and comparing them to mine.

Ok, well, I am mid-30's while wife is late 20's. Been married 5 years and together for approximately 10yrs. She has one son from a previous relationship and we have a 4yr old together. While dating everything was fine, isn't it always?, and when we got married I knew it would be a rough road, mainly due to her immaturity, and some underlying medical issues she had. Nothing life threatening, but they were there. At the time she had never had a full-time job or supported anyone including her son, which was done with child support and her parents help. She wasn't much of a cleaner or a cook either, in fact thats putting it mildly. Of course love is blind and I knew these were things that could be fixed or improved upon. I don't mind pulling my weight around the house, and I am a pretty good cook so on we went. We got married.

She really had no direction in life at the time, and I soon realized that pulling my share of the weight was an understatement. I did everything. She didn't work and I did. I would come home at night and clean, feed animals, wash clothes, etc.. for hours while she basically did nothing. I know, bad idea right? Anyway, we got pregnant shortly after marriage, and it was a rough pregnancy. Almost miscarried twice and was put on bed rest after 6 weeks. This also meant no sex at all, but that was ok with me because of the situation. Well, by some miracle we had a child, premature but we had one anyway, and everything was going to be great.

Well, after the recovery period things didn't really get great. They really started going down hill. No intamacy, no relationship really more like roomates, but hey she just had a baby and we are both wiped out after dealing with that all day and sometimes all night so I understand. I continue to do as much as I can to help, clean, cook, change diapers, etc.. Also, after much recovery and time she decided she wanted to go back to school. Hey, great, get a career, get on track, start bringing in some extra money, no complaints here. So she does, and although taxing at times I am supportive because I want to see her succeed and make a better life for our kids.

Now, let me put a little disclaimer in here for a minute. I am not perfect in any way. I can be moody, and I do have a bit of a temper, but I have always admitted when I was wrong, and was never shy about saying I'm sorry when I knew I was wrong. Wife on the other hand, well, she has never been wrong-ever.
Anyway, first year of school goes good, I help her study and help her with projects. Everything is good in that way. We still have no sex life with me having to basically beg for it. She blames it on a medication she had to take before she got pregnant that killed her hormone levels. Soooo, I try to be content and enjoy raising our kids. Then everything gets thrown up in the air. I get transferred to another city about 2.5 hours away. She can't leave because she has another year of school left, and I am not moving my kids to this particular city for several reasons I won't go into.

Well, I stay in another city during the week and drive home on most weekends. She isn't by herself as her parents live 2 minutes away and mine about 20 minutes away. During this time things start to get weird. To me anyway. She starts hanging out with her girlfriends a lot. Most of the time at the house studying and the such, but it was at this time that I started feeling something just wasn't right. It started when she called and told me there was a party that she wanted to go to on the upcoming weekend. It was on a Friday and I said that was fine, and that I was coming home so I would go with her. It was a class party. Well a little while later she told me it was cancelled. I said ok, that I would just stay at work. Then it was back on, but for Saturday, and I said fine I could change the schedule and come home on Saturday. Now its she doesn't know if they are having it or what day its on. You get the picture. Well eventually she told me it was cancelled again and I made plans to stay at work. Right after it was too late for me to come home, you guessed it, the party is back on and she is going. I voiced my displeasure and she said it was ok and she was going anyway. To be continued as to break it up a little.
See less See more
Save
Like
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 60 Posts
G
Ok, back to the story. I wasn't happy, but what could I do? She went to the party and called me on the way to her friends house who she said she was going to stay with. She said she was riding with her female friend and her boyfriend. Well, when they got to her friends house I heard her mention something about her vehicle and when I asked her why it was there, she admitted that she lied and that she had driven to her friends house after drinking, which infuriated me. She was also very quick to get off the phone and I didn't talk to her again until the next morning. We talked about it and got it ironed out with her apologizing and promising to never do it again.

Well, a few months after that I changed jobs and moved back home. Being gone almost a year at this point. Thing is she was starting some graduation work that required her to be away from home for several weeks. About 6 hrs away from home. I was what it was so we dealt with it. Now, my radar was up a little at this point. Lying, no sex, weight loss, blah blah blah. She comes home for a weekend and as she is unpacking I see a very small, sexy nighty type outfit. I had never seen it before and asked her about it. She said she got it on sale for very cheap and couldn't pass it up. Ok, but the problem is she has not once ever worn it for me, ever. Radar goes up a little more. Well, we still are having no sex life and I am getting irritated to no end. She can't blame it on medication anymore, do now she is blaming it on paini during intercourse. Says it is no fun. I say ok, well, there are other ways to be intimate, but it was all to no avail.

So time goes on and she does her school work and up comes graduation. Yay, she finished something. Right before graduation I find some texts on her phone talking to a guy from her class. Mind you she has a lock on her phone and stays on it constantly. I just happen to know the lock code at that time. Anyway, the texts were kind of flirty and then eluded to some pictures that were sent. Next one of the texts to him says "oh, by the way this is "a friend of my wifes name" and that she is using my wifes phone. Well, i ask her about it and she acts like she doesn't know what I am talking about. She even hands me her phone and when I look it up it is deleted. I call her on it and she blames it on her friend and says she deleted it because she didn't want to embarass her friend. Ok, I let that go, but it ain't gone for good. I still have it in the back of my mind.

Next, one day I am getting in her vehicle and open the console. There is a pair of panties in the console. two days later I find a pair in her purse. When asked about this she says it was from a change of clothes or some crap that I bought like an idiot. Really, who carries panties around in their purse. Am I missing something here? To be continued again. I promise I will get to the end of it at some point.
See less See more
Save
Like
tom67
She's cheating take her for a polygraph you may get the rest of the story in the parking lot. All the red flags are there bro.
Save
Like
G
Well, up comes the graduation party. Figured that, but what I didn't figure was her telling me I couldn't go. When asked why she said it was just for students. I called BS on that and told her I didn't want her to go. That it was ridiculous for them to just have students there and I didn't think that was the real reason anyway. She told me I was being ridiculous and that she was going to stay with a female friend of hers. Well, I didn't give in, but she went anyway. The party ended up being at one of the guy students house and she stayed there that night. She told me this the next morning. I wasn' thappy, but this guy roomed with one of my really good friends so if something would have happened he would have called me I figured. I confront her anyway about my thoughts on possible cheating and she tells me I am being ridiculous, that she hasn't done anything wrong, I am being paranoid, I am probably the one cheating for accusing her, blah blah. So I drop it and think to myself I am being paranoid.

Well, everything is going as well as can be expected I guess, with the exception of her not wanting to get a job and just work part time doing something not even remotely in her field making minimum wage. She is acting very eratically, good mood, bad mood, irate mood, good mood. Everything pisses her off, and she does no wrong. No sex life. Once a month at best if I beg and it's the most boring thing you could imagine. She has also lost a ton of weight. Well the other day I look at her phone and see some texts to a guy she works with. Less than appropriate is being nice. Heavy flirting, from her mostly, and flirty insinuations of sexual things. I confront her and she says yes they were innapropriate, but nothing is going on, it was just flirting because she enjoys the attention, that I don't give her that attention and she messed up and looked for it in another way. She said it was innapropriate but never once apologized. I also found out recently that she has blown every cent of money that I had. She was supposed to be handling the bills, but instead was behind on everything and blew my savings. When asked where it went she simply said she didn't know. So, I take over the money and get most of the bills straight. Now my radar is in full swing and I start doing a little investigation of my own.

Through contacts I find out that she was at a lot of parties during school that I didn't know about. That she was constantly on her sons phone while at school texting or talking to someone. I never checked his phone. That the night she drove intoxicated to her girl friends house she really stayed at another guys house that was in her class. That all her friends knew she took enormous amounts of pain killers that she got from somewhere. Also that at one particular party that was supposed to be for a particular girl she stayed in the bathroom all night on the phone with someone. I also found out she was constantly bad mouthing me as mean and controlling, and even came to one of her friends house with a black eye and told them I hit her. Funny thing is that after she took a shower the friend noticed the black eye was almost gone. At the moment she still stays on her phone every waking minute, I hear her text thing going off at odd hours, during an argument the other night she begged me to hit her so she could call the cops, and in front of the kids screamed for me to leave them and they would all be better off because I was a failure as a father. This from the woman that wouldn't have a thing in the world if it weren't for me. My kids don't hurt for anything and I have never hit a woman in my life. I was raised better than that. I am at the time being at a loss. I don't know what to do or what to think, so that brings me here. I know super long, and I apologize again, but thoughts anyone?
See less See more
Save
Like
H
Boot her ass out the door. She's cheating and doesn't have any intention of stopping. And get STD tested.
Save
Like
A
Sorry man, she's cheating, so go low key for a while, fake it, don't confront without hard undoubted evidence. Start doing real sleuthing... VAR in the car, spyware in the phone, keylog the PC. Watch the phone bill.

If you reach a wall you might even provide the oportunity and follow her or to scare her by with a half confrontation, dropping something to be sure she knows you are into her (remember, never reveal your sources) and watch the fireworks.

Females waywards almost always have confidants, GFs who knows, encourage or even provide alibis. They will text eachother about it frecuently. Don't necessary focus in direct comunications with OMs.

Read this thread, surely someon before you asked a similar question you have.

anyone interested in evidence gathering thread?

If you get the evidence you need, come here to prepare before confrontation. You'd need to think hard whether you want to remain married. Depending on it I can be more convenient to simply lawyer up. The timing and the steps may vary depending on the desired outcome.
See less See more
Save
Like
G
I have though about the spyware on the phone, she has an android and is pretty tech savvy and unfortunately I am not. We don't have a home computer. I am going to get a VAR today. Question about a VAR. Do they make any kind of noise when they turn on or off, when the battery is low, you know what I'm getting at. I know I confronted too soon. I didn't know about this site and the procedures to go through at the time. The contacts I got information from don't have anything to do with her anymore, and were sorry they didn't let me know sooner. I am trying to act normal and just go through the motions now, but damn its hard. Divorce is definitely an option if my radar turns out to be correct, with all the lying in the past that I know for a fact she has done, I couldn't trust her anymore. My child is the only one I am worried about. VAR suggestions? Hopefully not super expensive. Can I get one at say BEST BUY? Also, where is the best place to put it in a vehicle as to not be discovered.
Save
Like
TBT
You might also want to carry a VAR on you as she seems intent on making you look like an abuser.
Save
Like
T
GET A VAR RIGHT FREAKING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

A VAR (voice activated recorder) is a great tool to protect you from false accusation. Keep it on your person at all times.

Go see a lawyer and at the very least get informed on your options, you will need one very soon so start looking.

You have to understand that any one that takes the effort to put makeup on and falsely accuse you of hitting her...to friends......will have no problem in scratching her self or even slambing her own face into the wall to get you out of the home.

Great mother don't do this to there childrens fathers, she is emotional unstable and will stop at nothing to screw you over.

In addition her makeup job was ment to get some guy to "take you out"

Brother you are in a very dangerous position, sorry if this seems over the top but I have been her long enough to know what she is trying to do to you. Protect your self now. Get the VAR and beg borrow and steal to get the money to retain a lawyer.
See less See more
Save
Like
T
Get 2 VAR's one on your person and one velcrow taped under her car seat.

I hope you understand that in her mind you are the devil, in her mind she has no guilt for being the party girl cuz you are so abusive...get it ...it makes her feel less guilty for sleeping around.

Who ever your contacts are, they are trying to prevent you from more pain in not telling you whats your wife is really doing.
They may be telling you some things but the unimaginal is to painful for them to tell.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 2
T
Yeah - she is cheating and has been for a few years. Lying to you at every turn and making you out to be the bad guy so her friends will not call her out on her behavior. She is making you out to be a terrible, abusive person to justify her cheating.

She used you to get her through school. She only stays with you so she can blow your money and finance her affairs.

Get the evidence if you need to, but I think you have enough already.
Save
Like
tom67
TDSC60 said:
Yeah - she is cheating and has been for a few years. Lying to you at every turn and making you out to be the bad guy so her friends will not call her out on her behavior. She is making you out to be a terrible, abusive person to justify her cheating.

She used you to get her through school. She only stays with you so she can blow your money and finance her affairs.

Get the evidence if you need to, but I think you have enough already.
Click to expand...
Yea it's time to get YOUR finances in order, get the vars see an attorney and file.
Save
Like
Chris Taylor
Why bother gathering evidence? She wants you out and if you find out she has been cheating what are you going to do... save the marriage?

You can't save the marriage if you're the only one trying.

You should file for divorce, have her leave and go to her boyfriend's house and get on with your life.
Save
Like
  • Like
Reactions: 3
T
I couldn't find any at BestBuy, try Radio Shack.
Save
Like
J
Best buy has an Olympus model I use. 700m. It cost me $119. Then I went to Walmart and got 3m heavy duty Velcro. Stick one side on VAR and other Velcro under her front seat metal part. The Olympus model I got had to be set up by me in the menu option to only turn on when it hears sound. It does not make any sound while recording or low battery.

Something tells me you will get all the evidence you need within 2-3 days. If you get that model write back on your post and I can walk you through setup.
Posted via Mobile Device
Save
Like
tom67
Not to hijack but any updates jerry?
Save
Like
G
Well, we share a bank account, but I have taken control of all finances at this point. She only gets the cash I giver her, which she is pissed about, but oh well. It never really crossed my mind that she was playing the poor innocent victim to her friends to justify her ways. I guess I was, and still am to a point trying to deny it to myself. At this point I really don't know where she would find the time to cheat. She only works a few days a week and is home the others. She doesn't really party anymore, and if she does I am there. I don't know, maybe I am kidding myself.
Save
Like
tom67
guitarman said:
Well, we share a bank account, but I have taken control of all finances at this point. She only gets the cash I giver her, which she is pissed about, but oh well. It never really crossed my mind that she was playing the poor innocent victim to her friends to justify her ways. I guess I was, and still am to a point trying to deny it to myself. At this point I really don't know where she would find the time to cheat. She only works a few days a week and is home the others. She doesn't really party anymore, and if she does I am there. I don't know, maybe I am kidding myself.
Click to expand...
Forget the shared bank acct. she could wipe you out it's happened before. Take half the money out set up acct. in YOUR name. VARs in her car and in the house she is trying to set you up for abuse.
Save
Like
T
Its kind of hard to be the party girl when your husband takes all the money away...ask my wife!

Your contacts are only telling you a small part of her past behavior.

She 's home now cuz all her party friends now see what a nut she is and worry about there own boyfriends sleeping with her.
Save
Like
tom67
the guy said:
Its kind of hard to be the party girl when your husband takes all the money away...ask my wife!

Your contacts are only telling you a small part of her past behavior.

She 's home now cuz all her party friends now see what a nut she is and worry about there own boyfriends sleeping with her.
Click to expand...
Wow! Good point.
Save
Like
1 - 20 of 60 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Talk About Marriage
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!
Full Forum Listing
Explore Our Forums
Coping with Infidelity General Relationship Discussion Sex in Marriage Going Through Divorce or Separation The Men's Clubhouse
Top