Joined
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155 Posts
looking for advice, or at least some comments...
First of all, why didn't I find this group when this all began??? I think things would have been VERY different now if that had been the case.
I think I am at a point where I know deep down what I need to do, but that just isn't going over very well for what I would like to happen (life is funny that way).
I will make the back ground for this as short as possible to let readers know how I came to be here.
My DDay was 9/2/10...yes, two years ago. After finding out, I went through the usual depression, rage, sadness, blah, blah, blah. I thought we were slowly working things out and going to MC and really "working" on the marriage when six months after the initial discovery I found that they had just merely taken their affair underground.
So, DDay #2 wasn't any better than Dday #1, and really set us back. What I did differently on DDay #2 was expose the OM to his wife, and to move out. There is a long explanation about why I chose not to expose them to his wife on DDay #1. Some reasons good, and some of them just wanting the whole thing to disappear. I honestly feel was trying my best to protect our children (his and ours) from a town (and group of friends) known for being pretty harsh on cheaters (call it a cop out, which it very well may be given how things turned out)
On 9/26/11 (shortly after moving back into the house) I found that they had had a few short conversations since DDay#2 (by phone so she pretty much knew I would find them when I moved back in the house), but I don't doubt that they hadn't "done anything" since DDay#2 since they both were on pretty close lockdown and I had been doing the whole GPS, etc., etc. But who knows really...
My problem now is this. After moving back in and discovering she had had a few conversations with her lover, I made all my demands front and center. I also took life in six month blocks to allow myself time to reflect to see if she was indeed improving on things or not. I did the 180 when I had originally moved from the house and I would say it worked for what it was supposed to do. When I moved back in, I continued to use the 180 but I have these as my following issues:
First, the 180 I feel is a game. And two people cannot play this game for very long. I know it works by getting them focused and back to chasing you. So once that has happened, when do you get to go back to living a life where your lives are integrated again? If marriage is supposed to be a compromise, how do I go on living as if I am the only one who matters and that MY concerns will always come first. I mention this for the following reasons. I just don't see the 180 as the way an integrated realtionship with the person you love is supposed to work.
When I have sad days or am just "off" my wife sees this as a sign that I will never get over her affair and that things will never be as good again as they once were (I call this a "duh" but she can choose to believe as she pleases). Second, when I am all about the 180 and acting happy and content (or really am happy and content), she actually feels like everything is all great and good and that we no longer need to do anything with the marriage.
The first six months I was back in the house things were certainly better than they are now. I just feel as if we have truly and irreparably grown apart. I am fully willing to talk about my shortcomings, issues she has with me and resentment issues about me, etc. But she never does...she suppresses them and they only come out as a flood when she is mad.
But with her shortcomings? I am still made to feel like I am controlling her, won't get over her affair, etc., etc. I have told her I don't know how many times that she really doesn't owe me anything...well, nothing but the truth. We can part ways and that can be that. We have been married 16 years now, and have two kids.
The analogy I used the other day in MC was that her affair kicked our fire of love, scattering all the wood around. Her continued lies and trickle truth about everything has merely furthered the distance. I feel for the last year I have been merely watching the embers cool and fade to nearly nothing. I still love her greatly and have no thoughts of leaving the marriage in hopes of finding "something better". I would be lying if I said it wouldn't hurt me to have our marriage finally "over". I agree that she is the one who was supposed to do the "heavy lifting" here.
She states she has "done" everything I have asked of her. But honestly, I feel as though everything she has "done" to help this marriage has been begrudgingly. I still feel there is likely more truth to be had but realize I will likely never get that truth out of her, but feel her harboring it, is killing her as well. In short, I feel like she is still a young girl and really just still holding onto the hope that she can ignore things and that things will eventually get back to normal.
I am sorry for the rambling post. I guess I just don't know when to end things... posts or marriages! Ha!
First of all, why didn't I find this group when this all began??? I think things would have been VERY different now if that had been the case.
I think I am at a point where I know deep down what I need to do, but that just isn't going over very well for what I would like to happen (life is funny that way).
I will make the back ground for this as short as possible to let readers know how I came to be here.
My DDay was 9/2/10...yes, two years ago. After finding out, I went through the usual depression, rage, sadness, blah, blah, blah. I thought we were slowly working things out and going to MC and really "working" on the marriage when six months after the initial discovery I found that they had just merely taken their affair underground.
So, DDay #2 wasn't any better than Dday #1, and really set us back. What I did differently on DDay #2 was expose the OM to his wife, and to move out. There is a long explanation about why I chose not to expose them to his wife on DDay #1. Some reasons good, and some of them just wanting the whole thing to disappear. I honestly feel was trying my best to protect our children (his and ours) from a town (and group of friends) known for being pretty harsh on cheaters (call it a cop out, which it very well may be given how things turned out)
On 9/26/11 (shortly after moving back into the house) I found that they had had a few short conversations since DDay#2 (by phone so she pretty much knew I would find them when I moved back in the house), but I don't doubt that they hadn't "done anything" since DDay#2 since they both were on pretty close lockdown and I had been doing the whole GPS, etc., etc. But who knows really...
My problem now is this. After moving back in and discovering she had had a few conversations with her lover, I made all my demands front and center. I also took life in six month blocks to allow myself time to reflect to see if she was indeed improving on things or not. I did the 180 when I had originally moved from the house and I would say it worked for what it was supposed to do. When I moved back in, I continued to use the 180 but I have these as my following issues:
First, the 180 I feel is a game. And two people cannot play this game for very long. I know it works by getting them focused and back to chasing you. So once that has happened, when do you get to go back to living a life where your lives are integrated again? If marriage is supposed to be a compromise, how do I go on living as if I am the only one who matters and that MY concerns will always come first. I mention this for the following reasons. I just don't see the 180 as the way an integrated realtionship with the person you love is supposed to work.
When I have sad days or am just "off" my wife sees this as a sign that I will never get over her affair and that things will never be as good again as they once were (I call this a "duh" but she can choose to believe as she pleases). Second, when I am all about the 180 and acting happy and content (or really am happy and content), she actually feels like everything is all great and good and that we no longer need to do anything with the marriage.
The first six months I was back in the house things were certainly better than they are now. I just feel as if we have truly and irreparably grown apart. I am fully willing to talk about my shortcomings, issues she has with me and resentment issues about me, etc. But she never does...she suppresses them and they only come out as a flood when she is mad.
But with her shortcomings? I am still made to feel like I am controlling her, won't get over her affair, etc., etc. I have told her I don't know how many times that she really doesn't owe me anything...well, nothing but the truth. We can part ways and that can be that. We have been married 16 years now, and have two kids.
The analogy I used the other day in MC was that her affair kicked our fire of love, scattering all the wood around. Her continued lies and trickle truth about everything has merely furthered the distance. I feel for the last year I have been merely watching the embers cool and fade to nearly nothing. I still love her greatly and have no thoughts of leaving the marriage in hopes of finding "something better". I would be lying if I said it wouldn't hurt me to have our marriage finally "over". I agree that she is the one who was supposed to do the "heavy lifting" here.
She states she has "done" everything I have asked of her. But honestly, I feel as though everything she has "done" to help this marriage has been begrudgingly. I still feel there is likely more truth to be had but realize I will likely never get that truth out of her, but feel her harboring it, is killing her as well. In short, I feel like she is still a young girl and really just still holding onto the hope that she can ignore things and that things will eventually get back to normal.
I am sorry for the rambling post. I guess I just don't know when to end things... posts or marriages! Ha!