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I'm sorry this happened to you, and yes, his timing sucks. He should have said something before the wedding. He should have let you go 3 years ago, or you should have stood up for yourself three years ago, but no changing either of those things now. All you can do is change the NOW, and take charge of the situation and stand up for yourself.

I agree with Turnera. You need to make him fear losing you. He's the one who said he doesn't want to be married, so give him what he wants. Do the 180. It's for spouses who have been cheated on, but it works for people in your situation, too.

I think this will have a really good chance of bringing him around, but that's not why you do it. You do it so you can be a better, stronger person, and prepare for a life outside this relationship, without him. You might find that not only do you not need him, but you might learn that you don't want him.

Because, really--do you deserve this kind of bullsh!t behavior? No, you do not! he's playing at life and he's toying with your emotions. He's executing unhealthy, manipulative behavior. You get to decide what you will--and won't tolerate.

What are the chances that you guys patch things up, and then he pulls another such stunt 3 years down the road? He's done it before, he'll probably do it again.

There is a possibility that this has to do with his depression--he's clearly depressed and struggling with some emotional issues--but that's no excuse. Don't make excuses for him, and don't accept excuses for bad behavior. And if he has serious emotional issues, that's something that he (and by extension, you) may be dealing with for his entire life.
 

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Someone mentioned it above. They pointed it after reading my posts. They said it seems like he keeps me unsure to tolerate his behavior. As in I'm almost always on my toes and walking on eggshells with him.
You mentioned earlier that your husband thinks he is not in love with you anymore, and at the same time your self confidence seems to have become severely comprised based on my take from what you write.

Two of the biggest fears in a marriage (some people never overcome) is a fear that they do not love their spouse anymore or that their spouse does not love them anymore.

Meanwhile as time progresses, love has seasons that gradually shift, change and love sometimes becomes difficult to recognize. If you have been together for six years and have a child the season of love will have definitely progressed since the first few years of when you met.

So if your husband is still expecting love to be fun, exciting, adventurous, and bring him happiness, he is correct that he will not feel this anymore. The season your in is more about camaraderie, overcoming challenges, comforting one another, and sharing your own happiness from within as opposed to expecting the other to make you happy. If you feel yourself holding back on him, don't because this could be what is starving the relationship from bonding and healing wounds that life inevitably delivers.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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Discussion Starter #23
I'm sorry this happened to you, and yes, his timing sucks. He should have said something before the wedding. He should have let you go 3 years ago, or you should have stood up for yourself three years ago, but no changing either of those things now. All you can do is change the NOW, and take charge of the situation and stand up for yourself.

I agree with Turnera. You need to make him fear losing you. He's the one who said he doesn't want to be married, so give him what he wants. Do the 180. It's for spouses who have been cheated on, but it works for people in your situation, too.

I think this will have a really good chance of bringing him around, but that's not why you do it. You do it so you can be a better, stronger person, and prepare for a life outside this relationship, without him. You might find that not only do you not need him, but you might learn that you don't want him.

Because, really--do you deserve this kind of bullsh!t behavior? No, you do not! he's playing at life and he's toying with your emotions. He's executing unhealthy, manipulative behavior. You get to decide what you will--and won't tolerate.

What are the chances that you guys patch things up, and then he pulls another such stunt 3 years down the road? He's done it before, he'll probably do it again.

There is a possibility that this has to do with his depression--he's clearly depressed and struggling with some emotional issues--but that's no excuse. Don't make excuses for him, and don't accept excuses for bad behavior. And if he has serious emotional issues, that's something that he (and by extension, you) may be dealing with for his entire life.
Everything has been so up and down. He had been being an asshat one minute and the next minute he's asking me if I want to go away somewhere for a holiday. Last night we got into a fight because my DS was screaming and overtired/grumpy for 3 hours. Hubby got angry at DS and was not helping me calm him down. Totally not okay. So I told him to leave. He Unfriended me off Facebook within the hour. Quite hilarious. So childish and petty. I didn't feel any sadness or remorse when I told him to leave as his negativity and behavior was stressing me out and just making everything much worse.

I've just read about the 180! It looks and sounds like a great plan. If only I can remember all the points when I go about my day to day so I do t accidentally do something I shouldn't...

I am absolutely not making any excuses for his behavior. I think his behavior is appalling and unacceptable. That's why when he was horrible last night while my son was screaming for 3 hours I told him to leave. I would not tolerate it. He said he is never coming back. We will see.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
Someone mentioned it above. They pointed it after reading my posts. They said it seems like he keeps me unsure to tolerate his behavior. As in I'm almost always on my toes and walking on eggshells with him.
You mentioned earlier that your husband thinks he is not in love with you anymore, and at the same time your self confidence seems to have become severely comprised based on my take from what you write.

Two of the biggest fears in a marriage (some people never overcome) is a fear that they do not love their spouse anymore or that their spouse does not love them anymore.

Meanwhile as time progresses, love has seasons that gradually shift, change and love sometimes becomes difficult to recognize. If you have been together for six years and have a child the season of love will have definitely progressed since the first few years of when you met.

So if your husband is still expecting love to be fun, exciting, adventurous, and bring him happiness, he is correct that he will not feel this anymore. The season your in is more about camaraderie, overcoming challenges, comforting one another, and sharing your own happiness from within as opposed to expecting the other to make you happy. If you feel yourself holding back on him, don't because this could be what is starving the relationship from bonding and healing wounds that life inevitably delivers.

Regards,
Badsanta
That is so insightful and wise. Thank you. I completely agree that we all go through seasons individually and apart. I think he does feel the way you described above ^^^ I don't even feel like I can properly discuss this with him anymore due to our emotional distance. What do you mean feeling myself holding back on him? As in I'm holding him back from living his life? Ifeelthat last sentence of yours is rather significant. Would you care to elaborate please? Thank you
 

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He needs to be seen by a Psychiatrist. He sounds as if he is in a severe depression.

Note I do not say a psychologist or a counsellor but a Psychiatrist who is legally able to prescribe drugs.
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I agree with MattMatt, and the more I read, the more I wonder if he is bi polar. On the one hand, since my h is, I may have a tendency to see it everywhere, but your h sounds like something I used to use to describe mine. I called it "prairie-dogging." He would stick his head up and be great and fine and wonderful, and then he would burrow in his depression for two-three times longer than the good days. You also mentioned that you operate on feelings, and my h did/does. It sounds like your h does too. It sounds as if he is running hot and cold depending on how he feels. Catherine602 may be right that he wants the comforts and benefit of marriage, a child-minder, someone to shop and cook, etc., but there may also be a challenge from the fact that he goes with how he feels. Badsanta's post is a really good one, in that mature love sticks around regardless of feelings. And I think Turnera has given you great advice about how to handle it all.
 

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Make him fear losing you.
Turnera. How could you be SO WRONG in all of those WAW threads, then hit it out of the park with this?

Print that original post. Put it on the fridge where he'll see it. Along with a note about how you made a HUGE mistake marrying him now that you know he feels this way. You'll be at (pick location) until the divorce is final. CRUSH HIS WORLD. That will:

A - wake him up. You MAY be able to save this marriage.
B - Or not. That tells you to keep walking.

Either way, the days of talking are over. Time to DO. Nothing else will work. And even DO time is running out.

Go ahead. Talk. Go to counselors, put in your 15 hours a week. That will all mean SQUAT. He thinks he has the upper hand. And he WILL, as long as you do nothing but talk.
 

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Hey Kaydea, sorry for the things you are going thru. Your Husband should have been 100% sure before he said I do. I have been married for 27 yrs now. My wife started checking out went my DD was born 19 yrs ago. Not cheating but 100% mom. My wife didn't understand that I still needed some of her time. Your husband did not understand what is needed in a marriage and is completely overwhelmed by it and the stress from work it sounds like. He is needing some counseling but also needs to be the one to realize it. Until then just prayers. Stay strong little lady. Prays are with you.
 

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Everything has been so up and down. He had been being an asshat one minute and the next minute he's asking me if I want to go away somewhere for a holiday. Last night we got into a fight because my DS was screaming and overtired/grumpy for 3 hours. Hubby got angry at DS and was not helping me calm him down. Totally not okay. So I told him to leave. He Unfriended me off Facebook within the hour. Quite hilarious. So childish and petty. I didn't feel any sadness or remorse when I told him to leave as his negativity and behavior was stressing me out and just making everything much worse.

I've just read about the 180! It looks and sounds like a great plan. If only I can remember all the points when I go about my day to day so I do t accidentally do something I shouldn't...

I am absolutely not making any excuses for his behavior. I think his behavior is appalling and unacceptable. That's why when he was horrible last night while my son was screaming for 3 hours I told him to leave. I would not tolerate it. He said he is never coming back. We will see.
This may be for the best. If he's not fully participating in the marriage, and not fully participating as a father, then it may be better if he's simply not there, as he's clearly causing more stress for you. Last night, you weren't dealing with one child's temper tantrum; you were dealing with two.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
He may be a bit bipolar? He certainly has crazy ups and downs... And he's extremely talented musically/artistically and has episodes of great highs where he is inspired and so happy.

Anyway he says that he's scared to make the decision to officially split because our lives are so intertwined. He also says that it kills him that he feels nothing for us?!?!
How does that work???? I'm just gobsmacked.
 

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He may be a bit bipolar? He certainly has crazy ups and downs... And he's extremely talented musically/artistically and has episodes of great highs where he is inspired and so happy.

Anyway he says that he's scared to make the decision to officially split because our lives are so intertwined. He also says that it kills him that he feels nothing for us?!?!
How does that work???? I'm just gobsmacked.
Hey Kaydea, it doesn't work. Maybe a separation to let things cool down and to let him miss the two of you. Again so sorry you are going thru this. Stay strong and believe in yourself....... You are a mom and can do anything...... At least that is what I have always been told.
 
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