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I don't even know where to start. This is going to be very long. I have been married to my husband for 2 years, we got married fast because of history we had years ago.

I have always had a little bit of trust issues with because we dated online as teenagers and I always called him "my first love", because he was. I have always been head over heels for him but that ended very quickly when I found out he was talking to many other girls.

Fast forward 5 years and I had just gotten out of a very bad relationship and found my "first love" on Facebook. I was extremely depressed and even contemplated suicide. I messaged him because I thought; "why not?". He was dating a girl at the time and broke up with her to be with me. We dated for 3 months long distance before he went to boot camp (which is 3 months long) and he was flying me out to be at his graduation. Graduation day came after 3 months of love letters and promises of the future. I met his family and they all instantly loved me. Then I finally met him, for the first time ever. We dated for another 2 months before he proposed.

He had to go to his MOS schools which were another 3 months long. I was living in my home state working and preparing to move out to marry him and I finally did. When he got back from his schooling we got married on March 17, 2017 and got a house on base by April.

Things were great for the first few months until I caught him one day watching porn in the bathroom and doing his "thing". I was devastated because it felt like he didnt want me. I have always struggled with depression and self confidence issues. That put me in a bad depression, especially since I kept catching him doing it even after explaining how bad it hurt me. He finally stopped doing that but instead, he would constantly post about girls on Facebook for me and my entire family to see. Which made me feel worse. I explained to him how it made me feel and he promised to stop. From there, girls would message me and say "I saw your husband on tinder" and his old girlfriends would come out of the blue, which he blocked. He seemed to deeply care enough to stop doing all these things.

At this point I had gained weight and felt disgusting. I got distant for a while and he would get mad at me, to which I would try to be as affectionate as possible. But for some reason I just couldn't trust him, he was sitting on his phone at every second of the day which made me nervous. It got to the point where he would get home on his phone, and he would be on his phone all night until bedtime. I finally confronted him and he got so mad with me and he refused to stop. Things got very bad at this point and he had threatened divorce after I spent a night pouring my heart out to him. It scared me so bad that I ignored my depression and became his slave. I did anything he asked and I showered him in love notes and love and I started feeling better until he came to me one day and said that he was unhappy in the marriage.

I was devastated because I had thought it was going amazing. That was our first year of marriage.

Second year of marriage. I couldn't make him happy no matter what I did. He said I was over controlling and I didnt trust him and "trust is the basis of a relationship". Which I agree with but every time I went through his phone I would find chat websites or porn videos or pictures of girls. I stopped fighting him about it and just rolled over. I couldn't bring myself to fully trust him. He says that because of our past that I will never trust him. It got so bad that he called me at work one day and said I should just go stay with my family. It broke my heart.

I could feel him pulling further and further away. I begged him to go to marriage counseling and he refused to go, so I went alone. I felt so alone and so hopeless in the marriage because at this point he had locked up his phone and he was very secretive about things. But I told myself it was nothing because he was constantly telling me that he wasnt doing anything.

Christmas of 2018 I felt so alone and like such a failure for being so bad in my marriage. He was blaming me and my depression in the first year of our marriage for all of our problems and I felt so guilty. I was going to counseling to fix "jealousy issues" (as he called it). My counselor was so confused at that because she would say that I dont have jealousy issues, I am afraid that my husband doesnt love me and is messing around. I put myself in $2600 of credit card debt trying to ensure he had a wonderful Christmas, which we didnt. In the days before Christmas he would leave the house with his brother for hours at a time, leaving me alone with his parents. He has gone to his brother for every issue in our marriage instead of talking to me (which has been another issue). It felt like he wanted a divorce but every time we talked he would say he didnt want a divorce and he wanted to work on it. I felt so depressed and alone but I still pushed through and put on a happy face for him even though he seemed to not even care. Christmas was miserable but it came and went.

Early January of this year (2019). I was sitting on the couch and he was sitting in front of me, on his phone of course, and a message from a girl popped up saying "sorry for the late reply". I instantly asked him who It was and he acted like he was so surprised that it was an ex girlfriend of his. She sent him message after message as we fought about it. He refused to show me the messages and after months of trying so hard to fix all my past and current mistakes, and bending over backwards to try to please him I was so angry. I stood up and said "if you aren't going to show me, I am leaving". I started packing my things and he got so afraid and finally agreed to let me read the messages. He had messaged her on December 15th telling her that he was divorcing me and needing advice and how he would love to talk to her. I was furious. He had been telling me for months that he didnt want a divorce and that he wanted to work on things. I was so angry and I said "you want a divorce? You got it". He begged me to stay and he apologized over and over and he promised to do anything to get me to stay. I live him so much so i said "block and delete her, dont ever talk to her again". Iade him unlock his phone again (we have always had access to each others phones up until he locked his). He did it and we begin the process of working through that, even thought he still refused to go to counseling with me.

Two weeks later, I got message on Facebook from none other than his ex-girlfriend whom I had caught him talking to. She told me that he had been talking to her for weeks and showed me all the screenshots of the messages and I was devastated. He was saying things like "your so hot", "my wife is so lazy and you're so hardworking", "when my wife is gone I'll come see you and I'll take you for a ride", "you love that sex we used to have". Awful things like that. I called her and she explained that he has saved her number and texted her then erased the messages. Then he got a kik and started talking to her there. She knew something was up and she decided to tell me about it.

He had been lying to her saying that we were getting a divorce, even though the night before he "poured his heart out" to me saying he was sorry for making things so hard on me and that he was excited to move forward and be happy with me again. Then that morning he sent her a message saying "good morning beautiful".

I was so fed up. After doing everything I could I was so destroyed. I started packing my things and I was on the phone with members of his family as well as mine explaining what was happening. I was going to leave that night after confronting him.

He finally got home and I confronted him and he turned white and tried making lame excuses for how he was cheating on me. I told him I was leaving him and he begged me, on his hands and knees to stay, it took him hours to convince me to stay and try and work through it. He promised to go to counseling and he promised to be better and start working on things. And I believed him. For a few weeks after that, things were very nice. He would constantly love on me and cuddle me and kiss me. He would say wonderful things to me and stay off his phone. Our sex life even came back. But I still didnt fully trust him and he knew that. I had told him it was going to take a lot of time to get me to fully trust him and he agreed at the time.

Fast forward to now... he is back to playing on his phone and hes back to adding every girl he works with on snapchat. We have no sex life anymore. He always talks about how he misses the "good old days" with his dad and brother (who are both extremely obsessed with women. His father is married and constantly hits on women in front of his wife) and I am extremely unhappy.

Yesterday i decided to try and bring it up to him and he instantly turned it on me and how i dont trust him and I'm never going to trust him. How we are completely different people and the phone shouldn't be a big issue. He has always made me feel like everything is my fault and during the argument I said "I feel like you manipulate the situation to make it my fault, every time". And he lost it.

He was screaming at me in the car saying how if I think hes such a "manipulative monster" then we need a divorce. He was saying that he doesnt even see a future for us anymore and how it's all because of me and my trust issues. We havent gone to counseling yet because he never wants to but I feel like it's our last straw. I do feel like he is manipulative, whether he knows hes doing it or not. I can never talk to him about how I feel because he always gets so mad and flips it on me. He says that we got married to fast and that it was all a mistake. I agree that we got married fast but to me that was never a bad thing... I have always had hope that we would make it. I have always fought tooth and nail.

I feel so lost... I love him so much and I dont want to lose him but he expects me to just trust him overnight. I am so unhappy that I have even thought about divorce but it scares me and i dont want to lose him. I dont know what to do... I worry that it really is all my fault and the whole reason our marriage been so bad is because of me. I feel so drained because I have put every ounce of my soul into our marriage and trying to trust him again, through everything.

I feel so conflicted and alone and I told him that we need to make an appointment today, he agreed. But he has been asleep on the couch this entire time.

I know this is long and all over the place but I just dont know what to do or how to feel right now. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice?

Please help me...
 

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Stop giving him ultimatums which you are unwilling or unable to carry out.
He cheats,you threaten to leave,he begs you to stay,you stay.
Rinse and repeat.
He knows you’re going nowhere and he does what he wants.
Either leave or accept his cheating as part of your marriage. It’s this simple.
 

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He was with someone else when he was messaging you. He's doing to you what he did to her. He probably didn't leave her, she probably left him and that's how you ended up with him. You're choices are to leave and find someone else to be happy with or stay and be miserable. I know which I'd choose but I can't force you.

You deserve SO much more than him. So much more.
 

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He was screaming at me in the car saying how if I think hes such a "manipulative monster" then we need a divorce.

Grant his wish, and divorce his sorry ass.

If you stay with this man, the cycle of betrayal and begging for another chance will continue.

He obviously does not appreciate, nor respect you as committed spouse, and never has from the beginning of your marriage.
 

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You don't paint a very rosy picture of him,so I don't know what you find to love so much. Maybe,if as you say,you've dealt with depression and self esteem issues for a long time then you think that this is all that you're worth. Have you done anything to deal with those issues? If not then work on that with some help. Want better for yourself. In my opinion,based on your post,there is nothing to save here and what I've learned through my own experience is that trust,once broken,is very rare to capture again. Take care of yourself first.
 
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