Talk About Marriage banner

Rules for reconciliation?

8K views 53 replies 17 participants last post by  Cynthia 
#1 ·
Last night H and I had a long, honest discussion. We’ve been avoiding addressing the core issues in our marriage and it was a long time coming. He’s tentatively agreed to marriage counseling, and wants to get help for his drinking problem and learn to reciprocate and help care for me and the kids when I need him.
I’m hesitant to make any specific “demands” or mention a timeline, boundaries or ultimatums to him. I don’t want to be unfair or create any more distance between us.
However, because of the years of neglect and abuse within our relationship, I’m not really sure how to go about being more assertive about my needs or expectations. I’m afraid if I’m too “easy” on him, there won’t be any improvement and I’ll ultimately have to leave to protect myself and our kids. If I’m too demanding, I’m afraid he’ll get discouraged and stop trying.
Any advice?
 
#51 ·
I'm not trying to shame Mom. I'm saying that she's been taking steps toward knowledge and understanding and that the next step is recognizing she alone has the power to change things. Not him. Because waiting for him to change, hoping he'll change, tiptoeing around to get it 'just right' so he will want to change...is continuing to give him power over herself. As all 3 of my therapists in the past 40 years have told me, you can't change him, you could never change him, the only thing you can change is yourself and how you deal with something that is wrong.

It's taken me a very long time to get to a point where I can make changes and I still cower in my boots when I stand up for myself. I'm hoping, Mom, that you won't do what I did. You will read, learn, get help, and make changes now while you still have a long productive - and happy - life ahead of you.

CAN he change? Yes, but why should he? Think about it.
 
#53 ·
@HorseShowMom, how are you my friend. I know all of this is painful to hear. Hang in there, know that all of us are here to encourage you. You don't have to do anything until you are ready. It's OK to take some time and settle in and think about everything everyone has said.
 
#54 ·
@turnera, I don't think you would try to shame someone. I know you want to help. You are enthusiastic about helping others. It's a good quality to have.

I just want to make sure that @HorseShowMom knows that what is happening to her isn't her fault. She is not asking to be raped or abused. Nothing she could do would make it okay for anyone to force himself on her or abuse her.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top