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You don't see rape as a police matter, not a relationship issue? To me it seems the way to address it is for him to spend the next 10 years in prison. maybe I'll start another thread to discuss the issue in general rather then derail this one.

That happened when he was drunk. She needs to address it with him when he is stone cold sober.

BTW; I have read her previous posts, thank you.
 

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You don't see rape as a police matter, not a relationship issue? To me it seems the way to address it is for him to spend the next 10 years in prison. maybe I'll start another thread to discuss the issue in general rather then derail this one.
"I know I’m not getting out now."

From post #29.
 

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Yes, but I feel that I have a moral obligation to try to convince her otherwise. The situation she and her children are in is so horrible. I hope she finds someone IRL who can help her. I worry that any discussion or reconciliation will cause her to think that her situation is in some way normal, or can be worked out.




"I know I’m not getting out now."

From post #29.
 

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Ok, I’m starting to think I’m wording this poorly. Maybe “rape” is too strong a word. I mean, he’s my husband. For better or worse. It’s difficult to sort through all this, and I’m trying not to be emotional or dramatic.
I’d hate to throw my whole life away on a technicality.
Oh dear. What you have described in another thread has a name, "rape." He has forced you to have sex with him. That is rape. Rape is not too strong of a word to describe what he does. You are minimizing his abuse. That could ultimately lead to your death, because you are not taking his abuse seriously. This is a big deal.

Leaving someone who is abusive is not throwing your whole life away. Staying with someone who doesn't value you as a person and thinks that rape is normal might actually be throwing your life away. Rape is a violent act. No less violent than striking you or beating you. If you don't think you are in danger, you are wrong.

I think reading those books is good so you can more clearly see how bad things are. Your marriage is a dangerous place to be. The sooner you wake up to that reality, the better.
 

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He forced himself on you when you didn't consent. Being married or not being married doesn't change the definition of rape. You in your own words on all of your threads have clearly stated that it was rape. Why would you minimize that now?
Because people are now expecting her to leave him. And abuse victims want nothing more than to NOT leave their abusers; it's how they've been conditioned.

Go back and read your first two posts here. Nothing but 'I don't want to upset him' and 'I will see if he will participate' and 'he has never cared.' And yet you want to stay.

So stay. But start educating yourself. Right now, YOU are the problem because you're accepting the abuse. But that's fine, because the only person you can change is yourself.

There are a ton of places to get help - I would start with Al-Anon and with reading the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry And Controlling Men.
 

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Because people are now expecting her to leave him. And abuse victims want nothing more than to NOT leave their abusers; it's how they've been conditioned.

Go back and read your first two posts here. Nothing but 'I don't want to upset him' and 'I will see if he will participate' and 'he has never cared.' And yet you want to stay.

So stay. But start educating yourself. Right now, YOU are the problem because you're accepting the abuse. But that's fine, because the only person you can change is yourself.

There are a ton of places to get help - I would start with Al-Anon and with reading the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry And Controlling Men.
She is not the problem. Yes, she plays a huge role in allowing this to continue, but saying she is the problem further shames her and advances the abuser's agenda in her mind. Yes, there are many things she can do to escape this situation, but I think it could be terribly damaging to put blame on her. I don't want to increase a victim mentality, because she needs to find her personal power, but her actions (or inaction) in this situation has a lot to do with how the abuse has corrupted the truth and created all sorts of dysfunction that keeps her in the relationship.

This thread has literally sent chills up my spine and brought tears to my eyes.
 

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OP did state in one of her other threads that she went and checked out a women's shelter some days ago. I think she put her name in so they have record of her. So she HAS been taking some steps. I can only imagine how terrified she is a lot of the time. I think she will get there but its going to take time, of course.
 

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@HorseShowMom, I'm sorry that this is probably quite overwhelming coming here and getting these matter of fact responses about the terrors in your life, like you should just up and leave when you aren't feeling ready for that. I know for myself that my concern is that your husband is already violent and he could escalate. You are already afraid of making him angry, which isn't hard and happens when you didn't do anything that ought to make him angry. He's an angry man. That isn't your fault. That is something he should be working through, but hasn't even faced yet.

Please keep coming to TAM. Please keep seeking help and learning and growing. Things can be better.

One thing I ask of you is to please, please tell your therapist about your husband forcing himself on you. You were able to write it out here. I recommend that you print out all of the posts that you've made here and give them to your therapist to read. Have courage. You can do it. Once you have done that, your therapist will be better able to advise you. Right now she is giving you advice based on a situation that isn't accurate and that could cause you harm.
 

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@HorseShowMom, as you read more here you will see that what your husband is doing to you is wrong. You already know it, and you needed confirmation so you came here.

You will get strength and courage to not tolerate his behavior. He will try harder though, so you need to have a back-up plan.

The women's shelter is a good option.
 

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I'm not trying to shame Mom. I'm saying that she's been taking steps toward knowledge and understanding and that the next step is recognizing she alone has the power to change things. Not him. Because waiting for him to change, hoping he'll change, tiptoeing around to get it 'just right' so he will want to change...is continuing to give him power over herself. As all 3 of my therapists in the past 40 years have told me, you can't change him, you could never change him, the only thing you can change is yourself and how you deal with something that is wrong.

It's taken me a very long time to get to a point where I can make changes and I still cower in my boots when I stand up for myself. I'm hoping, Mom, that you won't do what I did. You will read, learn, get help, and make changes now while you still have a long productive - and happy - life ahead of you.

CAN he change? Yes, but why should he? Think about it.
 

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Ok, I’m starting to think I’m wording this poorly. Maybe “rape” is too strong a word. I mean, he’s my husband. For better or worse. It’s difficult to sort through all this, and I’m trying not to be emotional or dramatic.
I’d hate to throw my whole life away on a technicality.


Holding your head down and entering your ass without lube while you cry due to pain is NOT a technicality.

This man has more than just a drinking issue. He is either naturally sadistic or trying to hurt you or addicted to rape porn. It really doesn't matter. This is not a man you should be with.

Last I read you haven't told your therapist about these incidents and she is already worried about your safety and counseling exiting.

Please, please be honest with your therapist. You are paying for professional advice please listen. Go back to the crisis center tell them more of the truth.

This seems more like Stockholm syndrome but if you think you want to reconcile. Again be honest with the counselors. See what they think about boundaries and changes.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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@HorseShowMom, how are you my friend. I know all of this is painful to hear. Hang in there, know that all of us are here to encourage you. You don't have to do anything until you are ready. It's OK to take some time and settle in and think about everything everyone has said.
 

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@turnera, I don't think you would try to shame someone. I know you want to help. You are enthusiastic about helping others. It's a good quality to have.

I just want to make sure that @HorseShowMom knows that what is happening to her isn't her fault. She is not asking to be raped or abused. Nothing she could do would make it okay for anyone to force himself on her or abuse her.
 
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