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Discussion Starter #21
@Tex X You’re right. I know you are. I just don’t want to hurt him. I don’t think he means to do it. It wasn’t even that big of a problem until I joined TAM and the behavior was identified as rape. Now I’m having nightmares. I can’t breathe, I’m throwing up a few times a day just thinking about it. I’m hoping he’ll just apologize and stop doing it. Then maybe everything will be okay.
I’m not really even sure how to talk about it with him, he probably doesn’t remember me crying and begging him to stop. He never mentions me yelling and kicking and hitting him. He just wakes up in the morning and goes on like nothing happened. So maybe he’s just so drunk he’s not even aware of what’s happened?
 

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@sokillme I don’t think he has any idea how his actions affect me or the children. He has never been capable of empathy, or really considered anyone aside from himself. He is never at fault, and his actions are always framed as reactions to factors outside his control. So his drinking is my fault, my needs are unreasonable, if he’s late to work it’s because I didn’t get him out the door on time, etc.
My recent research indicates that he may be a bit of a narcissist?
After all your post I have to ask you, and I want you to really think about this and answer it at it's most base level. Why are you staying with him? What benefit does his presence in your life have to your life?
 

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Why haven't you ever addressed his behavior with him? For all you know, he's thinking it's a little game you play and you actually like it and he's the man. He can't read your mind and you haven't told him NOT to do it.
 

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@Tex X You’re right. I know you are. I just don’t want to hurt him. I don’t think he means to do it. It wasn’t even that big of a problem until I joined TAM and the behavior was identified as rape. Now I’m having nightmares. I can’t breathe, I’m throwing up a few times a day just thinking about it. I’m hoping he’ll just apologize and stop doing it. Then maybe everything will be okay.
I’m not really even sure how to talk about it with him, he probably doesn’t remember me crying and begging him to stop. He never mentions me yelling and kicking and hitting him. He just wakes up in the morning and goes on like nothing happened. So maybe he’s just so drunk he’s not even aware of what’s happened?
If a close friend of yours told you everything you've told us on this forum, what would your advice be? Probably run like hell would be my guess. Also, I know that you have been hesitant to disclose everything to your therapist, but in my opinion, you need to do so in your next session. Tell your therapist everything you've told us. Everything. It'll be hard, but you really need to get it all out there.

I know that you're afraid your marriage will end, but I'm sorry to say that after all you've told us, that sounds pretty good to me. I understand you wanting to work things out and hoping that your husband can change. Maybe he can, maybe he can't. But you're not doing either of you a favor by rationalizing his behavior. Time to set the bar high - it has been far too low for far too long.

Don't feel bad for creating boundaries and giving your husband ultimatums. You need to realize that your emotional and physical well being, happiness, and sense of self worth are extremely important, and that you will just not accept being treated that way ever again.
 

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Ok, I’m starting to think I’m wording this poorly. Maybe “rape” is too strong a word. I mean, he’s my husband. For better or worse. It’s difficult to sort through all this, and I’m trying not to be emotional or dramatic.
I’d hate to throw my whole life away on a technicality.
Did he have sex with you without your consent?
 

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@Tex X You’re right. I know you are. I just don’t want to hurt him. I don’t think he means to do it. It wasn’t even that big of a problem until I joined TAM and the behavior was identified as rape. Now I’m having nightmares. I can’t breathe, I’m throwing up a few times a day just thinking about it. I’m hoping he’ll just apologize and stop doing it. Then maybe everything will be okay.
I’m not really even sure how to talk about it with him, he probably doesn’t remember me crying and begging him to stop. He never mentions me yelling and kicking and hitting him. He just wakes up in the morning and goes on like nothing happened. So maybe he’s just so drunk he’s not even aware of what’s happened?
These are all very common responses to sexual assault.

They also sound like PTSD to me.

Please, please, please call your local community sexual assault hotline and get some help. Are you American? If so, there may be a national hotline even, I’ll look and see if there’s a number you can call.

I’m so very sorry. You need out and you need a helping hand to get some control and agency back in your life.
 

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Call 800-656-4673 right away if you are American.

The longer you let this go on, and the longer you wait to get help, the worse the PTSD will get and the harder it will be to recover.

Please pick up the phone and call. If not that number (RIANN) then another agency.

https://www.rainn.org/
 

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Discussion Starter #29
There are a thousand reasons why I can’t do it. I’m scared. I’m so sorry. I can’t. It’ll be okay. I know I’m not getting out now. It’s okay. I can work it out. It’ll be okay. It’s not that bad. He doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. An it hasn’t happened in a few weeks. If I don’t say no, it’s not a big deal. I’m so sorry.
 

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There are a thousand reasons why I can’t do it. I’m scared. I’m so sorry. I can’t. It’ll be okay. I know I’m not getting out now. It’s okay. I can work it out. It’ll be okay. It’s not that bad. He doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. An it hasn’t happened in a few weeks. If I don’t say no, it’s not a big deal. I’m so sorry.
You don’t have to do anything you want to do.

If you call, they can help you. It doesn’t mean police or divorce or anything else - it just means they can help give you tools to minimize your trauma, help you process this, and even just listen.

It’s just a phone call. Consider hearing them out. It doesn’t mean you’re making a long term decision. No matter what, you’re still in control here.
 

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@EleGirl Thanks for the recommendations. I ordered “Love Busters” and will read it before passing it over to him.
One of the reasons that I suggest that you read the books first is that you will learn a lot and learn a new vocabulary. Those books will teach you what is reasonable for you to expect in a relationship. I think you need that.
 

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@Tex X You’re right. I know you are. I just don’t want to hurt him. I don’t think he means to do it.
Have you ever heard this fable?

"A scorpion asks a frog to carry him over a river. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion argues that if it did so, both would sink and the scorpion would drown. The frog then agrees, but midway across the river the scorpion does indeed sting the frog, dooming them both. When asked why, the scorpion points out that this is its nature."

There are many things, animals and even people in this world that we have to avoid because their very nature is dangerous to us.

You husband is like the scorpion. He does what he does because it's his nature. He has no control over how he behaves. You are the frog who is constantly looking out for him, caring about him. But he's "killing" the both of you and your daughter.

It's not that he does not mean to do it. It's that its who he is.

It wasn’t even that big of a problem until I joined TAM and the behavior was identified as rape. Now I’m having nightmares. I can’t breathe, I’m throwing up a few times a day just thinking about it. I’m hoping he’ll just apologize and stop doing it. Then maybe everything will be okay.
I’m not really even sure how to talk about it with him, he probably doesn’t remember me crying and begging him to stop. He never mentions me yelling and kicking and hitting him. He just wakes up in the morning and goes on like nothing happened. So maybe he’s just so drunk he’s not even aware of what’s happened?
If this is what has been going on, it's rape.

Did you get the book about codependency that I suggested in an earlier post to you?

If you are determined to try to make this work, use the books I suggested "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs".

Have the talk with him about all the "love busters" he engages in. Watch his reaction. Listen carefully. If he does not make a 100% turn around and stop the "love busters" immediately, you will now that you need to leave him immediately.

This is not something that you should give him weeks/months/years to change. What he's doing is dangerous. That's why it's a crime to rape (force sex).

What culture is he from? There are some old-world type cultures that allow spousal rape. I'm asking because I'm wondering why he thinks this is ok.
 

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One more book I would recommend you add to your reading list is 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie.
:iagree: I posted that to the OP on one of her other threads. I'm quoting this to emphasize to her how important this book is for her.
 

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Would you want your daughter to live with a man who rapes her?
Victims of abuse often take some time to get to the point that they are able to take the needed actions. One fo the things that get them to that point is knowledge, information and support.

Just posting and yelling at them that you demand that they do what you think they need to do does little help except to drive the victim away from support (such as TAM).

It would be best if you respond directly to the OP and not attack other posters.
 

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HSM, Ok try this on for size. He gets on the drug to stop all drinking, and the see's a certified physiologist, 2 times a week and you review with him how his progress is coming along, and if he thinks your going to be in danger. If so leave. But if not and you find you Asshat if a husband, is truly making improvements. Then you can stay. If not this give you the time to get a protection order against him.

And quit being codependent on this ABUSER, they always promise the stars and sun to move on their command. If you stop now you will forever be his kicking board.
 
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Please find someone, counselor friend, police, someone who you can tell the *whole* story.

Its easier to talk to people on the web, but we can't really help you.

If you don't tell your therapist or counselor the whole story they may suggest a completely wrong approach. They may think you have relationship or communication issues. You don't, you have a husband who is a rapist. In other posts you have described being held down and raped while you screamed. If that is anywhere close to true, he does not get a little carried away during sex, he is a violent rapist.

Even cultures that allow spousal rape generally mean that the woman cannot refuse her husband, not that he has the right to force painful sexual acts on her while she screams in pain.

Drunkenness is no an excuse. If he got drunk and raped you, that should have been the last drop of alcohol that crossed his lips for the rest of his life.

I don't know if rape and child abuse are correlated, but given that he has already been verbally abusive to your 5 year old daughter, I do not think its worth taking a chance.


I know this is extremely difficult, victims of abuse often find it very difficult to leave. Again please find someone local who can help you - and please tell them everything.
 

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If you read her previous posts she was screaming and trying to get away while he raped her on the floor.


Why haven't you ever addressed his behavior with him? For all you know, he's thinking it's a little game you play and you actually like it and he's the man. He can't read your mind and you haven't told him NOT to do it.
 

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There are a thousand reasons why I can’t do it. I’m scared. I’m so sorry. I can’t. It’ll be okay. I know I’m not getting out now. It’s okay. I can work it out. It’ll be okay. It’s not that bad. He doesn’t mean to hurt anyone. An it hasn’t happened in a few weeks. If I don’t say no, it’s not a big deal. I’m so sorry.
My dear please don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I think we all just don't want you to be hurt anymore. You deserve better. Please take care of yourself. Please ask for help if you need it.

Understand that most men are not like this just because he treats you this way doesn't mean it's typical or he has any reason to.
 
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