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Discussion Starter #1
Hi Friends,

I want to share my problems with you. I started dating my wife around 3.5 years back and it all looked good. She was a simple and descent girl and I liked her simplicity and proposed marriage. I loved and trusted her blindly, never bothered to check her mail/chats or any profile information even though I knew the password to her mail accounts. Finally we got married in Mar 2008.

In May 2008, I got suspicious after I heard her talking to someone in another room whenever we had an argument. I checked her phone and found that called someone but did not save his phone number. I kept checking her phone for the next 1 week, checking whom she phoned/SMSed and chatted. Finally One day I checked her email account was shocked to see that she was chatting with her previous boyfriend. She told me that she broke off with him a year ago. Most shocking was that she had sent her naked photographs to her previous boyfriend before marriage and was discussing about my parents with him. She was constantly in touch with him during out courtship period and even after marriage.

I told her mom about all this and she asked me to forget all these things, delete all evidence material and start fresh. I thought maybe I should just forget about these things and it will become normal. It 3.5 years now and I still cannot come in terms with the reality that my wife betrayed me. I asked her to clear out things, to tell me the truth but she keeps ignoring. When I ask her about a photograph that I found(in which she is on her boyfriend's room) she says she did not remember.. something I cannot believe. Moreover she has been annoying and nagging wife all these years. I don't love her and I have no respect left for her.

We have 2.5 years daughter and I love her very much but I hate my wife for what she did and what she is doing. I am confused, what should I do?
 

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Well...I am sorry to hear about your plight. These things are never easy.

The mistake you made was allowing this betrayal to be swept under the rug. Your mother in-law really gave you some bad advice.

The only thing you can do if you want to save your marriage is to confront your wife...I mean for real confront. If she keeps ignoring you...then you have no other recourse then to bring up divorce.

A lot of times it takes the possibility of divorce to wake a wayward into the seriousness of the problem.

Truth is..this will not just go away by it's self. Until she owns up to the hurt she has caused you and commits to helping you heal...then you are at a roadblock.

Problem is since it happened quite awhile ago it is going to be like pulling teeth to get her to see what she has done....and she might not see in the end.

The question you have to ask yourself is "Are you willing to go down this road with her?"
 

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Discussion Starter #3
The mistake you made was allowing this betrayal to be swept under the rug. Your mother in-law really gave you some bad advice.
Yes, I feel like an emotional fool now. I did not tell anyone in my family to avoid creating a negative image of her but it backfired. I waited for 2 long years before telling my family about the whole ordeal, thinking that everything will be fine as time passes but it was a mistake. A very big one.

If I confront my wife, she (and her mother) say that I should forget the past and focus on the current problems but they refuse to admit that the current problems are because of the things that happened in the past. They don't understand that I need a clear picture of what happened and why.

Are you willing to go down this road with her?
I can't stand her anymore, whenever she nags or get angry, my hatred for her multiplies. But when I think about my daughter, I turn weak and start giving excuses to myself.
 

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They can tell you that the sky is green. But the fact is you know its blue. Why stay in a relationship with someone you hate. Your wife has systematically withdrawn all deposits from your love bank. You are, for lack of a better example, an emotional Greece.
 

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It's clear that she never got over her ex-boyfriend, so in reality, he's been there your whole marriage. What this means is that your whole marriage has been a lie from the begining, and the reason also that your marriage has been so bad. She's been seeking emotional comfort from OM instead of working things out with you. Most likely she has been demonizing you to OM and OM has been egging her on, as evidenced by her calling him whenever you two have an argument.

Then your MIL gave you bad advice, of course, that's her daughter! She's going to cover for her daughter because blood is thicker than water. She told you to basically sweep this under the rug, which you did, and now the resentment that you feel has built up to the point that you can't ignore it anymore because you keep tripping over that huge lump in the rug.

She's definitely in an EA, so how do you know that it didn't go PA? You feel no love for her and want to end the marriage except for your daughter. You have to put D on the table for your daughters sake, because do you even want her to be raised in that type of environment where both parents hate each other? If her BF is so wonderful, then he can be her husband and put up with her sh!t and help raise your daughter. Of course, it rarely works out that way. Affair fantasies rarely include the children.
 

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Tautho of "Love Busters" and "His Needs Her Needs" thinks he can turn a marriage around even putting the love back into it. These are popular books that have worked for many people.

Just a suggestion since you may want to try to work it out for your child.
 

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It might be wise to do a paternity test on your daughter considering your circumstances.
 
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