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Hello all,

First time posting here and I just wanted insight into these recent argument I had with my Wife. We are going to counselling in regards to it next week but I just wanted get your guys opinion.

Backstory:
Wife and I were doing some shopping and we were both little frustrated with the day. My wife is pregnant and near the end of the pregnancy. We have a daughter who sometimes just wants her mom to do everything. Overall we were both little agitated as I wanted to help and my wife is pregnant and tired.

The situation started when I was trying to put my daughter in the car and was trying to buckle her up but she refused for me to buckle her up and wanted only mom to do it. So I said okay and when back to the driver seat and waited for her to stop crying from her tantrum. My wife asked my daughter if she sets in the back with her will she buckle her seat belt and she agreed. So my wife went to the back seat and as she got in she dinged the car next to us twice and that’s when the argument started.

I had said that: “[wife name] that’s not nice, you hit the car. (I said it in a calm way and from my perspective I wasn’t sure if she knew she hit the car and we both hate when people hit our cars).

That’s when my wife got upset and said: “do you think I am dumb, I know I hit the car, I didn’t hit the car on purpose, you don’t need to say everything, cant you see this is not the time, do you think I have dementia and really need to tell me I hit the car? etc.” She continued to scream and yell, mocking me etc. and I told her to “I can say anything I want and please stop, you are being defensive and yelling next to our child”.

After I said that she screamed, swore at me, insulted me and yelled all the way home. Got to the point where I could not even drown her out by putting the music higher. I told her to stop speaking to me this way and she didn’t stop. I just stayed quiet and I got home and I got out of the car and walked away. We didn’t speak rest of the night.

The next day she told me that I hurt her feelings by telling her “that’s not nice” and that I need to be more emotionally intelligent and saying “that’s not nice” is condescending to her and that I need to be more aware of the situation where if the kid is crying, she’s pregnant and we have had a rough day, I shouldn’t need to say “that’s not nice or anything at all”. Also I should have clued in she's upset about something and just said “your right, sorry and stopped”

I am still angry the way she spoke to me and I told her I am not going to tolerate that kind of behavior and told her I was sorry for hurting her feelings but yelling and screaming in front of our kid is not acceptable for neither of us. I explained that if I hurt your feelings instead of attacking me and going on the offense, she needs to just state, Hey you hurt my feelings by saying that please stop or even this is not the time, instead of expecting me to just clue in.

She blames me that its my fault with how it started and there is no way a sensible person under that much frustration can calmly state their feelings. She also said I need to be more aware of the situation before saying my opinion. I completely disagree and I just wanted to get everyone’s opinion on how I handled this and if regardless of what’s happening or frustrating, communicative your feelings effectively is still must and screaming and yelling is not okay.

Also is saying “that’s not nice” condescending or demeaning?
My wife occasionally gets this way.

It is pure projection of what her inside voice says to her. She has low self esteem...right?

"Wife, I lack the ability or motivation to compete with your internal dialogue."

Then, when she loses her **** over hearing that, simply say:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then walk away and go do something you want to do.



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I don't care how pregnant or hormonal she may be.

Could you have massaged your delivery? Sure. However...

This continues because you have allowed it to continue. It is abuse...plain and simple.

In the meantime, my go to statement would be something akin to:

"I've tried to figure out how I could have better said it, but I'm simply too stupid to figure it out."

But then again, there are times where all of my ****s seemingly disappear, leaving me none left to give.

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Discussion Starter #43
"I had said that: “[wife name] that’s not nice, you hit the car. (I said it in a calm way and from my perspective I wasn’t sure if she knew she hit the car and we both hate when people hit our cars)."

I'm trying to figure out what you hoped to accomplish with your judgmental comment. Obviously, it was an accident as she was trying to waddle into the back seat.

Yes, you can say anything you want (as can every 5 year old we know). So, why didn't you say "Hey, hon, do you realize you've been tapping the car next to us?". Because, she didn't ding it as you checked it out after she was able to load her carcass into the back seat. Better yet, you could have checked for damage before saying anything.
I wasn't hoping for anything other than just letting her know. I agree, I could have definitely worded it better and I apologized for that and told her that I will try in the future to better word things. My problem is with the reaction and that's I will speak to in MC next week.
 

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I don't care how pregnant or hormonal she may be.

Could you have massaged your delivery? Sure. However...

This continues because you have allowed it to continue. It is abuse...plain and simple.

In the meantime, my go to statement would be something akin to:

"I've tried to figure out how I could have better said it, but I'm simply too stupid to figure it out."

But then again, there are times where all of my ****s seemingly disappear, leaving me none left to give.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk

Yup I believe it was abusive language as well and just a simple "hey that's not nice for saying that or I dont appreciate you saying that" and I would have just apologized. For me its not about right or wrong, if I hurt her feelings regardless of how I feel I would just said sorry for hurting her feelings. I will speak to MC about the abusive language and about setting boundaries around this.

Thanks for the response
 

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People learn communication styles from their parents but that can be changed. My mother was a screamer and said very demeaning things when she was mad. The second time I said not so nice things to my ex-husband he told me that if I wanted the marriage to last I would not talk to him like that.

After our first child was born I screamed at her once. He reminded me that I would not be allowed to scream at our children, that although she was a child, she deserved to be treated with kindness and respect. It was the greatest lesson I ever learned. I hadn’t even realized I had screamed at her until he brought it to my attention.

My ex was not abusive (neither verbally or physically) but let me know early what would be tolerated and what would not. To this day I appreciate that.

Let your wife know the same (but maybe wait until she gives birth). Perhaps she just needs to unlearn some bad behavior.
 

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While we were dating, she never reacted this way even if I had upset her. We never lived together due to cultural reasons and was always positive communication.


When we first married, she would occasionally show frustration and snap back but immediately apologize. She did snap quite a bit at her parents and her parents are divorced and used to fight a lot in front of her (scream, yell, throw things etc.)

During and after first pregnancy is when it got bad. I tolerated it because of the pregnancy and tried to just make her happy and became content to it.

After our daughter was born it continued and got worse and worse and that's when I put a stop to it and wanted to go to MC. It got to the point for me where it impacted my self esteem self confidence and self worth.

We continued counselling for about 5 months and the communication got bit better with maybe 2 occasions that this happened. MC helped us understand how values and tools to work on better communication. She got pregnant again as we have always wants to 2 kids close in age and once she got pregnant this time, her communicated just reverted back to her disrespectful way and has continued through this pregnancy.
Thanks.

You are in an abusive relationship. If you are going to stay MC isn’t going to help. She has other issues she needs to get fixed. She needs an IC before you deal with marriage issues.

Yes, I read your other responses. No, you couldn’t have worded it better. Your posts have shown you work on communication and she still blows up.

Quit looking solely at yourself.
 

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Agree it's tough when you take the blame and the other has little or no repercussions. You must be able to allow others own their own failures. Being such an nonconfronting person. You should take some confidence/self-esteem IC with someone who specializes in helping nonconfronting to confidence building persona.
 

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What would her ideal response to your comment have been? Yes, she went off the rails with the way she did respond.

You state you made the comment to just let her know.:bsflag: People know when the door they are opening meets resistance. And, you know it. Are you sure you weren't a little irked by the way she took over the handling of the daughter situation and cut you out? So; you made the snotty, accusing, judgmental comment to get back at her?

Passive-aggressive behavior can kill a marriage. Think about it. You both have work to do.
 

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A few thoughts on this that I would like to share if I may:


I understand that pointing out that hitting a car door twice is not nice can be irritating and annoying - and if the recipient is already uncomfortable and/or in a bad mood and/or pregnant, then flying off the handle in responding is to be expected.


That being said, I agree with those that say this is just the beginning and that she is showing signs of what is to come. It sounds like you may well be in or end up in an abusive relationship. And when you couple somebody that likes to be right or point out obvious errors with someone who is naturally abusive, then you have nothing but misery.


I also agree that three things should happen after this: first, apologize for being annoying, then calmly point out that if she continues to talk to you like this in the future then the end (divorce) is nigh, and finally that both of you need to get some individual counseling.

Good luck
 

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Pregnancy, even in your own head, is giving her a pass. It is so common posters are giving you advice, you have already done. Heck, some are even missing the FACT you said MC occurred because of her terrible and common behavior.

Stop it. It sounds like you are backing back into low self esteem and sounding like an abused spouse.

I did this wrong.
What can I do to be better.
We were both wrong.
I should have changed my words.
I apologized.
I am hurt, but she is pregnant.
I tried to make her happy.

If this was the only time, I might agree. You had to force her into MC to slow it down. You didn’t say she became better, you said a “bit“ better. That isn’t progress. The key point is IT DIDN’T STOP.

IT DIDN’T STOP!!!!!

Be very careful, do not accept the behavior because she is pregnant, you might have been irritated and she had zero patience with your parenting style.

You have already apologized.
You set a another boundary.
You explained your side.

Yet, you are the bad person who should have understood her position. Let me guess, that’s what she has done before. She placed the blame for her actions on you.

She has done this REPEATEDLY through your marriage pregnancy or not.

I am not saying divorce, but you need to tell her “****ing idiot” and words in that area are no longer going to be tolerated.
 

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Just a comment. Wife2 a couple times went off ranting about how stupid I am blah blah blah and then I told her that was obvious to everyone as I had married her. She never called me stupid again. A few times I could tell she wanted to but she stopped herself.
 

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Yup I believe it was abusive language as well and just a simple "hey that's not nice for saying that or I dont appreciate you saying that" and I would have just apologized. For me its not about right or wrong, if I hurt her feelings regardless of how I feel I would just said sorry for hurting her feelings. I will speak to MC about the abusive language and about setting boundaries around this.

Thanks for the response
My problem is that your wife chose to yell and scream at the top of her voice so loudly that your car stereo could not drown her out. And that she considered this to be totally acceptable and appropriate behaviour whilst her yelling, screaming mouth was mere inches away from her own toddler's ears? :mad:

That's unacceptable behaviour from your wife and likely to damage your child. And borders on child abuse. But that's probably the last thing your wife would consider.
 

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If you said to her, what she said to you, she would be irate.

She is tipping the scales.

What you send was a grain of sand compared to a ton of bricks that she piled on.

I am very familiar with this and had the same thing happen to me post kids. Just like you, wife's parents were also fully argumentative. They model this.

You're going to need to be very firm with what is acceptable. It will be like breaking a wild horse trying to get her to admit she is the problem.
 

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If you said to her, what she said to you, she would be irate.

She is tipping the scales.

What you send was a grain of sand compared to a ton of bricks that she piled on.

I am very familiar with this and had the same thing happen to me post kids. Just like you, wife's parents were also fully argumentative. They model this.

You're going to need to be very firm with what is acceptable. It will be like breaking a wild horse trying to get her to admit she is the problem.
:iagree:

My wife learned that the best way to communicate is by having horrible arguments from her parents.
 
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