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This has happened several times even while she wasn't pregnant where when she gets mad, she starts to go on the offense and starting say hurtful, personal, belittling, abusive things and was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to counselling.
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Ok, you just confirmed my post. Get away as fast as you can.
 

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Speaking as a gal who had a lot of hormonal changes both during and for a long time after pregnancy, I can understand her feelings.
It would have sounded condescending to me as well, and the response of “I can say what I want” probably fueled the rage in the moment also.
I’m going to assume you didn’t do I intentionally, but it also probably escalated on her side as well-more than she really probably wanted it to.
I personally internalize a lot of my feelings and thoughts and have unrealistic expectations for my husband when it comes to knowing how I feel or what I want. I’m not exactly sure why I’m like that. It’s almost like a fear of being vulnerable or showing a weakness, in a way. If that makes sense. I wonder if she’s ever had experiences in life where she wasnt able to be vulnerable without it costing her something, so instead she just expresses her hurt with harshness.
By no means does it make it okay, though. It’s disrespectful and not fair to you.
 

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Ah nope. Your wife losing it is one thing, hormones are funny. That behavior is unacceptable by any stretch pregnant or not. She hit another car twice who isn’t going to say something. The names you mentioned aren’t hormonal then you add it occurred before and has been constant.

Your wife was already abusive and the pregnancy has made it worse. Did she act like this before the first child was born?

Get counseling because your daughter is learning this trash behavior.
 

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Ah nope. Your wife losing it is one thing, hormones are funny. That behavior is unacceptable by any stretch pregnant or not. She hit another car twice who isn’t going to say something. The names you mentioned aren’t hormonal then you add it occurred before and has been constant.

Your wife was already abusive and the pregnancy has made it worse. Did she act like this before the first child was born?

Get counseling because your daughter is learning this trash behavior.
I second this. And yes, I'm a woman and I've been pregnant a couple of times, with a toddler, too.
 

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Pregnant or not, there is no excuse for verbal abuse. My opinion is that you wife crossed the line. My wife used to act in a similar fashion with the belittling and name calling; screaming, etc. until I finally got my fill of it and understood that the behavior would continue unless I put a stop to it. So after one of her tirades, I told her that I had enough by pointing out that she was being disrespectful of me and I would not tolerate a wife who did not respect me. When I set that boundary, she pushed back and I pushed back harder until she understood that I was dead serious. That was five years ago. On two occasions since then, I have had to remind her of the boundary when she would start up and she immediately backed down. If she continues to get by with her behavior with no consequences, her behavior will continue to get worse. Put a stop to it now.
 

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This has happened several times even while she wasn't pregnant where when she gets mad, she starts to go on the offense and starting say hurtful, personal, belittling, abusive things and was one of the main reasons I wanted to go to counselling.
If these outbursts appear to be out of character for her and only seem to happen at certain times of the month, one possibility is PMS.
 

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Discussion Starter #33
Thanks everyone for the responses. From what I read these were the main questions:

1. Why wasn't I more firm with my daughter?
I explained it to her that I was going to buckle the seat and mom wasn't. But she started crying and resisting and I dont believe in over powering a child in situations like this. So had I told her I'll buckle her back in once she has calmed down and when to the driver seat. That's when my wife had decided to step in and tell my daughter that if she sits in the back, she'll buckle her in.

2. Tolerating her reaction.

I totally agree and I guess for me its getting to the point that I cannot tolerate this type of behavior anymore and its impacting my self esteem being spoken to that way. I've weathered the storm throughout the pregnancy and she does sometimes give me a half ass apology afterwards but this is something I cannot tolerate going forward and need to reset the boundaries again. Prior to the pregnancy we had gone to MC and she said she would get better at communicating and it did get a bit better until the second pregnancy.

3. The car wasn't damaged, I had checked it before leaving while she was yelling at me. I personally hate when people ding others cars when getting in.
 

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Discussion Starter #34
For me its not about being right or wrong. I just want to learn and understand what I did wrong and grow from it.

I agree this is probably not the best time to start setting boundaries as she is pregnant. I just want to learn for the future so we can get through these moments without damaging our relationship.

I definitely could have worded my initial reaction differently as well as my reaction to her defensiveness and that's something that I have been doing some self reflection.

However, I still believe that doesn't matter how mad you are, you still need to communicate respectfully (this is something I will bring up in MC). I still think all the "you statements", going on the offense is not right and is not going to make our relationship stronger and better. I believe if she had just focused on her own feelings and just had said "I dont appreciate you telling me that's not nice etc." I definitely would have reacted better and just had said sorry and we could have talked about it after.

I think you cannot control what others say and there has been a lot of times where she has said something I do not like and instead of going on the offense I would just tell her to stop and that I dont appreciate you saying that versus going on the offense and attacking back. So I guess I think that if I can do it and we both have previously agreed that we would work on this, that its not okay for us to act that way in front of our kids or to speak to each other, I am having a hard time understanding why its still happening on her part.

I am sure there will be a lot of times where we are going to be tired, stressed, agitated when the baby is born and I think communicating our frustration by yelling at each other isn't going to turn out good.

So my question here is, if someone says something and your frustrated or whatever your feeling, do you still need to communicate respectfully? anyone have any tips or tricks to do that in those moments?
 

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In your place I would say that if you scream and shout and call me names etc, then I am going to walk away/out of the room. You will need to be consistent. Hopefully when she hasn't got an audience she will stop.
IT must be horrible for your child to see that abuse towards her dad so much. I hope she doesn't copy when she is older.
 

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she said you are a F'ing idiot or who doesn't have half a brain, you are the dumbest person I know, you have such a ego, I am selfish and only care about myself that's why I needed to say that. Your not coming to the doctors appointment anymore, I dont want you there, repeating what I said but mockingly etc.


I dont remember all of it exactly and was trying to tune her out so I wouldn't fight back


When she gets angry, she goes on the offense like this and is one of the reasons why I wanted to start counselling.
So my question here is, if someone says something and your frustrated or whatever your feeling, do you still need to communicate respectfully? anyone have any tips or tricks to do that in those moments?
Of course you still need to communicate respectfully.

I have no tips and tricks to do in those moments besides YOUR WIFE NEEDS COUNSELING. You can go with her if it helps. But normal people do not communicate with their spouse (who the are supposed to love) like that even when they are stressed, hormonal, drunk, whatever. Snapping at a spouse is one thing, but your wife is either a downright mean person or had HORRIBLE behavior modeled for her by her parents.
 

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Snapping at a spouse is one thing, but your wife is either a downright mean person or had HORRIBLE behavior modeled for her by her parents.
And keep in mind that children learn how to behave in relationships from what they see from their parents. If kids see parents regularly having having blowout arguments filled with insults and cursing, then there's a good chance they'll do the same in their own relationships when they're older. So not only should she be respectful because you're her husband, but also because she should teach her children the proper way to handle disagreements.
 

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I don’t like how you sound right now.

Can you answer a few more questions?

Was she like this when you were dating?
Was she like this when you were first married?
Was she like this before she was pregnant?
Did this behavior continue after the First pregnancy?
Define “a bit” better.

Thanks.
 

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Discussion Starter #39
I don’t like how you sound right now.

Can you answer a few more questions?

Was she like this when you were dating?
Was she like this when you were first married?
Was she like this before she was pregnant?
Did this behavior continue after the First pregnancy?
Define “a bit” better.

Thanks.

While we were dating, she never reacted this way even if I had upset her. We never lived together due to cultural reasons and was always positive communication.


When we first married, she would occasionally show frustration and snap back but immediately apologize. She did snap quite a bit at her parents and her parents are divorced and used to fight a lot in front of her (scream, yell, throw things etc.)

During and after first pregnancy is when it got bad. I tolerated it because of the pregnancy and tried to just make her happy and became content to it.

After our daughter was born it continued and got worse and worse and that's when I put a stop to it and wanted to go to MC. It got to the point for me where it impacted my self esteem self confidence and self worth.

We continued counselling for about 5 months and the communication got bit better with maybe 2 occasions that this happened. MC helped us understand how values and tools to work on better communication. She got pregnant again as we have always wants to 2 kids close in age and once she got pregnant this time, her communicated just reverted back to her disrespectful way and has continued through this pregnancy.
 

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"I had said that: “[wife name] that’s not nice, you hit the car. (I said it in a calm way and from my perspective I wasn’t sure if she knew she hit the car and we both hate when people hit our cars)."

I'm trying to figure out what you hoped to accomplish with your judgmental comment. Obviously, it was an accident as she was trying to waddle into the back seat.

Yes, you can say anything you want (as can every 5 year old we know). So, why didn't you say "Hey, hon, do you realize you've been tapping the car next to us?". Because, she didn't ding it as you checked it out after she was able to load her carcass into the back seat. Better yet, you could have checked for damage before saying anything.
 
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