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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Thats kind of what I see my wife and I as now. We've been married for 2 years now, we have sex, I try to be romantic and so does she but its just not there anymore. We say I Love You, but mine at least is because thats what you do when your married. I would feel better being a bachelor, my wife would probably kill herself or so she says. She says she is dealing with depression and something is always hurting (my head hurts, back hurts, leg hurts), somehow it only shows when we're together, she likes to tell people about all the things wrong with her but they only "affect" her when we are alone together. I tell her to go to the doctor to see if something is wrong but she says no. Its hard to believe that she is in pain and dealing with depression because she is constantly complaining but wont go to the doctor.

I have been considering getting a divorce for a few months now, the only two things that are keeping me from doing it are:

1 - My Daughter - She's 11 months now, beautiful, and the BEST thing to have ever happened to me. She is not the reason we got married, just happened a lot faster than I had agreed to, we said we would get to know each other and she would be on birth control for the first year or so, but she lied. I'm a little bitter about that if you can't tell, but I love my daughter. I grew up with out a dad and I would do anything to keep my daughter from going through that feeling, even stay in a loveless marriage. Though I think that I could take care of her and would want custody of her. But I don't know the chances of the Dad getting custody.

2 - Money - How much will it actually cost to get a divorce?


Anyone have any answers to my questions? do dads get custody? would it better for our daughter to stay married or get a divorce? how much will it really cost?:confused:
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Forgot to tell you why the love was lost at first.

We met in college, she was going to be a teacher, but now she isn't doing anything, not even much of the house work considering she is a stay at home mom.

I was attracted to her being a teacher because they influence the future but now that she doesn't want to have a career I have lost my feelings for her.
 

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How long have you been married?
When did this situation begin to concern you?

Have you thought she could have post pregnancy depression (PPD) and also known as postpartum depression (PPD)?

Do you understand that the hormones (also known as steroids) that come and go with women during and the year after pregnancy are more powerful than cocaine?

When hormones levels are unstable you get physiological depression, mania, and odd/unstable/unpredictable behaviors.

IMHO you two need to step back and take a new look at your relationship. Huge changes - such as becoming a parent changes dynamics and one must learn to adjust and flow. And NO it isn't easy, nor should it be.

Nothing good ever came easy.
 

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I wonder why ??? so many people get depression after getting married ???

I find that strange.

Concerning how much it costs to divorce, that depends.
 

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Insist that your wife see her doctor. PPD is a very likely cause of her problems. Her threat to "kill herself" if you left is both highly manipulative and a huge red flag. She needs help and frankly, you need to take action if only for your daughter's sake.

Staying together for anything other than love and partnership is simply a losing case, IMHO. Do everything you can to improve the marriage--starting with your wife's medical care--and give it a real effort to save before you move on. BUT, if you believe there is no way you will ever love your wife, then maybe it is already over. Would you love her again if she came out of her depression, went back to teaching, etc? There is no reason NOT to try to save the relationship, but if you know there is no point, then move on.

It does not sound like you loved your wife for who she was, or even KNEW who she was, before you married. Make an effort now to save the marriage, including as much support--doctor, therapist, family, friends--as you can gather around you.

Yes, fathers can get custody and yes, divorce can be expensive. Custody is simply a legal status--that is, in joint custody, both parents have input on any major decisions affecting the child. Placement or visitation is about where the child is, physically. It would be very rare for a court to deny either parent a right to share in placement unless there is a risk to the child's safety. Generally, mothers have at least 50% of the placement or more when they have been stay-at-home moms. If you want 50-50 placement, you can ask for it. One question that will arise is, where will the child be when you work and it is your day(s) to have her with you. That is why many men do not ask for 50-50; the child would be in day care part of the time, and the child is better off with the mother than in day care (or so the general thinking goes). BUT there is absolutely no reason you cannot ask for 50-50 as long as you make as much effort as you can to be with your child as much of "your" time as you can.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I know she had PPD for a few months after our daughter was born, but her behavior now is so similar to that of how she was before she was pregnant that I have thought PPD not the current problem. She was on an antidepressant but quit taking it and wouldn't let me tell her that she needed to take it....

Thanks for your replys
 

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Divorce is expensive- so far I've paid 1k to my lawyer and that was before he went to court with my ex's lawyer... so I'm going to guess the final bill will be around 3k- hopefully no more then that and we don't have kids... just fighting to get him to refinance the house out of my name.
They won't give you custody just becasue- you would have to have a good reason to get full custody and since your wife isn't working you will probably have to pay her maintenance and child support... if she was working and made the same as you then it would just be child support, but since she isn't... it will cost you. I have a friend and her boyfriend had to pay his ex $2700 a month (2 years)... no kids, but she didn't work... he obviously makes quite a bit though to be able to pay that much.
 

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There are divorce options that are less expensive, if you two can get along -- such as mediation (mediators are far less expensive than attorneys from what I have heard), or even doing your own via the 3stepdivorce.com site. I am sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar situation, in which we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter, but feel more like roommates, even though we still kiss good morning, good night, say the I love you's. We are likely to go the divorce route because at this point, he wants to have more kids and I do not... that on top of being pretty much sexually incompatible... not a lot of ways to fix issues that aren't really ones you can compromise a lot on. All the best!
 

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You've only been married two years. If all you were in love with was the idea of her being a teacher, you were never in love with her in the first place. That's pretty shallow. She is still the person who wanted to be a teacher, only she is now depressed and lost. And doesn't know how to get back on the horse and ride.

Since she's a stay-at-home, you can bet the divorce will cost you lots and her life won't change much at all. She'll stay home with the child and you'll pay.

So instead of being a cut and run kind of guy, help her. She needs encouragement. She needs to find a path that will allow her to do what she wants to do as well as do what she needs to do. Who will watch the child if she works? What support systems do you have that will enable her to "do it all?" which of course, is impossible. She probalby knows it and is conflicted.

Women get a lot of signals -- be a wonderful mother, have a career, be interesteing, look fantastic, take care of the house, etc. It is frightening to think the pressure put on women. ESPECIALLY WHEN NOBODY CAN HAVE IT ALL. Something has to give, always.
 
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