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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been together 7 years tomorrow, married for 5 1/2. Our relationship forever changed when we had kids 3 years ago. With the birth of our first he started hanging out with friends A LOT and I dove headfirst into mommyhood. We were both to blame for basically ignoring each other. I think that was the worst of it. We worked through that, things got better and then he deployed. I was sad and worried of course that he was gone, but we had been through a deployment before. I am sad to say that I somehow felt happy to be alone. Of course I had our daughter, but I was happy with it just being me and her. Sure I missed him and worried about his safety and I would never leave him during such a difficult time. I did however toy with the idea of splitting later on. I just felt that we weren't the same couple we once were and never would be. I pushed all thoughts of that aside and once he returned we picked up where we left off and things were great! Which of course led to me getting pregnant with our second child.

With my second pregnancy our sex life ceased to exist by month four. We blamed it on me being uncomfortable, but I think we both knew better. That's when it began to feel like we were roommates rather than spouses. Our daughter started sleeping with me during my pregnancy. We have a big enough bed that all 3 of us could sleep comfortably, but he chose to sleep alone in a separate bed. Should I have let her sleep with me? Maybe not, but either way we could have found ways to be a couple aside from bedtime. Neither of us did.

Fast forward to arrival of baby #2. He starts a new job right after baby comes, and is stressed by that and going to school full time. I have to quit my job and stay home full time with our two kids. We couldn't afford daycare for 2 kids, cheaper to stay at home. I try to overcompensate for me being home and not working. I cook, clean, take care of the house, run errands, take care of the kids, etc. I RARELY ask for help, and if I do, its "Can you watch the baby while I shower?" Or change a diaper? That's it. Sure, I wish he'd help some, like I don't know, put your cup in the dishwasher rather than the sink? Or put your clothes in the hamper rather than the floor? It's almost as if it's expected for me to do it. Like I said, he works and goes to school, I know he's busy but at least he has days off. I don't. We'll argue about that, me not having days off. He'll throw back, "Try being deployed with no days off". Come on, seriously? I stood by him during those times, I know how stressed he was. I'm not asking you to compare and make yours out to be worse than mine. I'm asking for understanding!

Things like birthdays, anniversary's, Christmas,etc is where our issue lies now. For Christmas we had it rough, barely able to get gifts for our kids, let alone each other. We did better than we thought we could for them turns out. For him I bought him 2 things, didn't cost much but I tried. What did I get? Nothing. Not that he had to get me anything, but the thought is nice. Nope nothing! Whatever, the look of joy on my kids faces are enough for me. Now, our 7 year anniversary is coming up and I ask him what he wants to do. I know we can't do much, him being busy with school and starting a new job again, but a movie or something would be nice. He says "Well I have to meet for the new job and turn in stuff to the old one, then I have schoolwork, so probably nothing." That hurts. I know he is busy but really? Couldn't he have said something like, let's plan something another day maybe? I want to buy him a gift, but have considered not and just not caring. I feel like I am the only one trying now...I have more to rant, but I'll stop for now. Bless you if you read all that!
 

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I read somewhere that the years when you have children under 3 are the hardest in a marriage. No matter how strong you start off, marital satisfaction reaches an all-time low. So, take comfort in knowing that the trend is normal.

What is it that you want from your H? Do you want him to initiate more sex and romance? On the one hand, it sounds like you would be happy to leave the relationship, while on the other hand it sounds like you're angry with him for not being engaged enough. Isn't it possible that he's picked up on your disengagement and is responding to that?

I read 7 principles for making marriage work, it's almost like marriage counseling you can do at home. It sounds like you guys just need to put more effort into each other. When everyone says that marriage is hard work, your situation is exactly what they're talking about. Even though you don't actually feel the desire to do the hard work, you still have to do it (that's the hardest part of it IMO!). But, provided you don't have deeper problems, time and attention should get the ball rolling, and before you know it you're going to WANT to put the effort in again. It's just a matter of taking that leap of faith.

Remember your kids when you aren't sure whether you have it in you to initiate a hug or some hand-holding, and make yourself do it. And good luck!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
Wow! Thank you so much for your response! I never thought that he could be picking up on my idea of being happy with leaving. I never told him that, but he is good at reading me. I never voiced it because I don't really want to, just a passing thought.
 

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Been exactly where you are at, but throw in a severely depressed husband on top of it. My situation lasted about 10 years, way too long. It became a habit that was hard to break. You can make a difference and change the dynamic of your marriage. You can't wait for your husband, seriously.

In my situation, we had a sexless marriage for those 10 years. The first few when the kids were small, I was ok with it. Not my choice, but I dealt with it. When the kids got older, I was really resentful.

What worked for me. Taking the bull by the horns. For example: your anniversary. Did you say anything about your disappointment? Bet not, I would have kept quiet. Not now. I would tell him that it is not acceptable, and plan something together. Be understanding, but your marriage comes first, before the kids. Happy marriage means happy kids.

Sex, you got to get it back. I cannot tell you have important it is. After 10 years of nothing, we are busy now and what a difference it makes! I don't get pissed off as much at the stuff he does (like leave dishes around etc.) and I don't feel like everyone's mom, including my Husband. We hadn't had sex in two years before I decided to give it my all or get out. I read a great book, Sheet Music that was inspiring. I told my H that I wanted to be his GF again, not his wife. That if he treated a GF like I was, she would leave. It has worked.

We haven't had money either for dates. My H was off of work for 8 months. I do work, part-time, so it kept a roof over our heads, but not much more. Figure out free or near free stuff. We did happy hour at nice places for real cheap dinner out, or free concert stuff. This one on one time is extremely important, don't discount it. I did...

I guess my advice is go for it. Don't wait for him. In a non-confrontational way, tell him what you need. Not nagging. I couched it in "I'm scared where we are headed" I have clearly told him what I need and took the lead.
 

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A new job, going to school full time, two small children and wife is a SAHM....that's a lot of pressure on a guy. He may have interpreted you asking about plans for your anniversary as pressing for something special. At the seven year mark relationships change, you have to work even harder to keep the love strong.

Can you arrange for a sitter for the kids, prepare a nice dinner for the two of you, look nice for him? Do everything you can to make him feel special, (sorry, it's not about you at the moment). Get him a special card, and write a note in it telling him that you love and appreciate him and how hard he works to take care of you and the family. Then initiate a very intimate encounter, men really need sex to feel loved.

You owe it to your children to work on rebuilding your marriage. For a start I recommend reading "His Needs, Her Needs". Hopefully, if you are loving, respectful and cherish him you will start to see changes in how he treats you as well.
 

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Personally I wouldn't celebrate holidays or aniversaries or birthdays with a roommate either. If you're detaching then so is he. Someone has to make the first move toward reconciliation. Since I'm talking to you, I'm going to tell you it should be you. Get it out in the open, and for god sakes start doing your man. Bring him back in the fold.
 

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Sorry but you're not asking for understanding. That was nagging and accusing. If you really want help & understanding you're going to have to reframe it.

Fwiw my marriage experience ha been VERY similar to this. And when sex went out the window, I spent most of my time angry & resentful toward her, shamed, frustrated and depressed. If you want your husband back, fix your sex life.

And stop keeping score. It's a terrible way to have a happy life, much less marriage.
 

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First, I agree he needs to help out more around the house & with the children. I don't care how "busy" he is. It is HIS home & HIS children & you are not his personal maid & babysitter.

You resent him for not helping more & I agree with you because I have lived your life including working outside of the home full time.

He's detached from you romantically. Don't stoop to his level if you want to save your marriage. Buy him a card for your anniversary. Baby steps to get the romance back in your relationship. Jump his bones. Compliment him.

Be the change & he may start to feel romantic towards you again.

You gotta work it dear. Life is no picnic for an unemployed single Mother with 2 young children.

Good luck!
 

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First, I agree he needs to help out more around the house & with the children. I don't care how "busy" he is. I really think we need to give the guy some slack. He is the sole breadwinner, full time student, and has to study. It is HIS home & HIS children & you are not his personal maid & babysitter.

. The husband works, and attend school full time. She is a SAHM, isn't it implied that she is primarily responsible for the children and the home.

You resent him for not helping more & I agree with you because I have lived your life including working outside of the home full time.
Agree, when she starts working outside the home he should pitch in.
He's detached from you romantically. Don't stoop to his level if you want to save your marriage. Buy him a card for your anniversary. Baby steps to get the romance back in your relationship. Jump his bones. Compliment him. Agree 100%.

Be the change & he may start to feel romantic towards you again.
Again, agree 100%.
You gotta work it dear. Life is no picnic for an unemployed single Mother with 2 young children.

Good luck!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
A new job, going to school full time, two small children and wife is a SAHM....that's a lot of pressure on a guy. He may have interpreted you asking about plans for your anniversary as pressing for something special. Thank you, never thought of that!

Can you arrange for a sitter for the kids, prepare a nice dinner for the two of you, look nice for him? Do everything you can to make him feel special, (sorry, it's not about you at the moment).I tell him everyday how much I appreciate how hard he works with school and his job. I always make sure he has what he needs and isn't bothered at home when he is studying. If I could work and he stay at home, I would in a heartbeat. He knows that. I won't make half of what he does. I ended up buying a gift today anyways. I just need to know that I am appreciated to. I don't feel I am.

You owe it to your children to work on rebuilding your marriage. For a start I recommend reading "His Needs, Her Needs". Hopefully, if you are loving, respectful and cherish him you will start to see changes in how he treats you as well.That's what I'm hoping, which is why I don't bug him about it. I don't want to add to his stress.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Sorry but you're not asking for understanding. That was nagging and accusing. If you really want help & understanding you're going to have to reframe it.That's what I was afraid of, I don't want to come across that way, any advice on how to reframe it as you say?
 

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I second you getting "His Needs, Her Needs", I have a link to it in my signature block below.

Another book that would help you is "Divorce Busting".

You need to take the lead on your anniversary. Get him a card, make his favorite dinner and desert, have a good wine. Don’t get upset if he has nothing for you. The idea is that one of you has to start doing the right thing. One of you has to take the lead here. You are the one who is on this board asking for help so you get to be that person.

If he’s not going to be around much on that day, then don’t make the dinner; just do the card, desert and wine. Let him know that he means enough to you that you will not forget that special day.
 
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