[Hope Springs Eternal]

So much to tell in so little space.

Suffice it to say that I, through my lack of initiative for sex, turned my marriage into a roommate relationship. My wife could not stand this after 16 years (and I, in many ways, cannot blame her), and decided to lose a bunch of weight, do self-improvement and go looking for someone to pay attention to her. He is a long-distance "friend", but now she has gone 2 states away to visit him for a couple of weeks.

Just prior to this, she announced that she wanted a separation, I suppose, in her mind, to free her to have this fling from (somewhat) within our marriage. She's now been gone for over a week, and I'm agonizing over the end of our marriage. We are, by the way, conducting our separation from under one roof, as neither can afford to move out and away.

I guess I'd like some perspective from anyone who has been through a similar thing. I believe that, at this point, I might forgive infidelity, as I feel I drove her to it, but on the other hand, I appreciate the sanctity of marriage, and am very upset that she would exit our marriage this way. I want to reconcile if at all possible.

 

[that_girl]

Just because you are not wanting sex doesn't give her the right to cheat.

Pack her stuff and put it in the garage.If she can go away for 2 weeks, she can move out.

Don't do this to yourself. She is not respecting you. Do something that will get her attention and let her know that you are NOT a doormat. Her behaviour is disgraceful.

 

[tom67]

We all know you can't kick her out but for effect also I would change the locks.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

Well, that complicates things. She is something of a hoarder, and the garage is already full, as is the basement and everywhere else. So that's not a solution in this case. But I appreciate your sentiment.

Either of us moving out right now is financially impossible.

 

[that_girl]

Financially impossible for who? You or her? because making her move out because she is bonking another man is your right. That's her problem if she has no money.

If she's a hoarder, call up a donation place and have them clean the place out.

You have options. Just gotta do them.

 

[sigma1299]

I want to reconcile if at all possible.

It takes two to reconcile. If she doesn't want to there is very little you can do.

Additionally separated is not divorced, she is still a married woman, and it certainly appears she is cheating. Despite your shortcomings in the marriage, whatever they may be, cheating is on her, not you. She could have worked with you on the marriage and failing that she could have asked for divorce before taking up with another man.

You can try to change the things that you think drove her away, to be a better husband, but you still have to address her cheating - which if you do it successfully might just be the most effective thing you can do bring her back. You have to man up, put your foot down, and tell her you refuse to be in a marriage with three people and she must choose, and if she is unable to choose you're moving on without her while she considers things. Be proactive, pick a course, lay it out, and follow it. Be alpha.

 

[sigma1299]

add to my last... financial consequences be damned.

 

[Mtts]

Financically crippled to move out, but not financially strapped to visit someone for 2 week several states away?

 

[fortheloveofit2]

Just because you are not wanting sex doesn't give her the right to cheat.

Pack her stuff and put it in the garage.If she can go away for 2 weeks, she can move out.

Don't do this to yourself. She is not respecting you. Do something that will get her attention and let her know that you are NOT a doormat. Her behaviour is disgraceful.

Well said. Put her stuff out!! :iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

[TBT]

As far as I'm concerned that would be all she wrote....no need for separation just straight on to divorce.You don't say whether or not you have kids?

 

[OldWolf57]

What are your ages ??
To believe in the Sanctity of marriage means to make sure your partner has what they need, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Not beating you up, but pointing out how you was lacking in your duty to her.

Ok, now as for her, she is a straight out disrespecting you, herself, and her vows.
You know what ?? there is so much wrong with this marriage and the two of you hat I am darn near stumped.

Example, she hoards, you ignore it, knowing thats a mental issue
You don't want sex. she fustrated hoard more.
You know at your age you should want sex, bt won't get an exam to see if its low T count. Or you watch porn for your release.

The cheating is bad, but this maybe what you need to finally take a look at your marriage.
Then again, he may want her to move there, and you will only have yourself to work on.

How does your house look, clean or sloppy. What are your routine, hers ??

Ladies and gents, I think there is much more here than what we are being told.

I understand your fear, but is it that if she leaves, you will have to cook, clean, and get your own beer ???

And yes, this is not my usual, but something just jumped out at me, and pushed me in this direction.

 

[husbandfool]

I hope you're not helping pay for her trip.

Do not have sex with her again without her providing negative results from STD tests, even if you reconcile.

 

[MattMatt]

Well, you are in a bad place. However, all is not lost. It might be possible for you to recover your marriage, or to have a new marriage together.

You will need couples counselling, however.

 

[ing]

Hi.
She is treating you with utter contempt.
"Hey bobka I am going on vacation for two weeks with my new man. You look after the house, pay the bills, look after my stuff while I give myself to him."

Anything wrong with that?

She sounds like she is done.You need to show her that this is okay with you, but you must ACT and act NOW.

Read up on the 180.
Grow some and start acting like the man she fell in love with.

Contact her and tell her to come home today, or it is over.
Mean it.

When, and I say when because I think she is pretty much done, she refuses and gets angry with you for suggesting such a thing.
BE CALM.

Tell her that she needs to start thinking about where she is going to put her stuff.
Start splitting your finances.
Cancel shared credit cards.
While she is gone. Work out where and what YOU can afford.

Do you have kids?
DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. She gets to leave. She wants a new life with Mr marvelous 2 states away. She gets it.



This is going to get way worse before it gets better. The life as you knew it has gone . Forever. Trust the advice on here. It counter intuitive and it is tough, but it is designed to help you recover.

Do not tell her about this site. Password protect your computer. She is no longer your friend.

 

[that_girl]

A-freakin-men.

 

[ing]

What are your ages ??
To believe in the Sanctity of marriage means to make sure your partner has what they need, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Not beating you up, but pointing out how you was lacking in your duty to her.

Ok, now as for her, she is a straight out disrespecting you, herself, and her vows.
You know what ?? there is so much wrong with this marriage and the two of you hat I am darn near stumped.

Example, she hoards, you ignore it, knowing thats a mental issue
You don't want sex. she fustrated hoard more.
You know at your age you should want sex, bt won't get an exam to see if its low T count. Or you watch porn for your release.

The cheating is bad, but this maybe what you need to finally take a look at your marriage.
Then again, he may want her to move there, and you will only have yourself to work on.

How does your house look, clean or sloppy. What are your routine, hers ??

Ladies and gents, I think there is much more here than what we are being told.

I understand your fear, but is it that if she leaves, you will have to cook, clean, and get your own beer ???

And yes, this is not my usual, but something just jumped out at me, and pushed me in this direction.

I tend to think there is a bigger story too, but this can not be addressed while the affair is in progress.
If there is any hope for this marriage the affair must end.
TAM affair busting still has to apply.

She sounds like a walkaway wife to me. The affair may be just the exit. We won't know without more info though.

 

[ing]

A-freakin-men.

I'm a ***** cat really
ok. TAM censor bot..

a gentle feline?

 

[MattMatt]

Do you have children?

BTW take as much space as you need to tell your story.

 

[Count of Monte Cristo]

She is something of a hoarder...

Yuck!

 

[Shaggy]

1. Terminate all joint CC
2. Move your pay and 50% of assets to a you only account
3. Prepare the house for sale by dumping and selling all you can
4. Exposé her cheating to friends, family, the World
5. Exposé the OM to his friends, family etc.