[sparta101]

Hi, I'm new here and was wondering if I could please get some advice. My wife (that was my gf at the time) had problems with chats, texts messages even the webcam. She would send naked pictures to numerous guys from webcam to e-mail, talking to them dirty by text or chat. I approached her about the webcam, she felt bad, but it was too late cause I destroyed it, and we haven't had one since (six years ago). I stepped in and told all these guys to stop whether it was through chat, text or e-mail. I told them that she is soon to be engaged. They backed off. Now obviously we had a serious talk, but to keep it short I basically put my foot down and said this is gotta stop or we're not getting engaged nor having a life together.

All of this completely stopped until 3 years ago where she's been addicted to this roleplaying site called Hogwartslive. Now I don't have a problem with this site, but what bothers me most is the fact that she is meeting not just girl friends, but boy friends as well. There is this one guy let's call Frank. Now Frank is single which is a red flag for me and has made me very skeptical of him and even worried because they talk every day on Skype. One night, she fell asleep while on Hogwartslive and left her Skype on, and I just had to know the truth. Which I found she was talking dirty to Frank. The next morning I had a serious talk with her and drew the line. I have found nothing else, but still remain suspicious while I'm at work.


Now to point something out our sex life is great. No problem whatsoever, but due to the fact she has hurt me in the past is it wrong for me to be curious and worry? To this day they still flirt, but harmlessly (as far as I know) I don't have her Skype, password, but I honestly will admit my jealousy and insecurity with talking to guys online. Everytime she's talking to Frank on Skype I look from the couch when she's typing to him. Is it just paranoia due to the fact that this has occured in the past and I'm afraid of it escalating over and over? Wouldn't you say that's a red flag if you're talking to a guy (even though its roleplaying) everyday? Let me know what you think. Your help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[forevermemorable]

What your wife is doing is very, very, very wrong! There is NO justification for it what-so-ever! No excuse your wife gives you will be valid! The only thing your wife needs to do is apologize and repent (which is to do a 180 degree turn from what she is doing online). It needs to STOP! There is NO other way about it.

Your wife is violating her marriage oath, which is not to have other relationships. Again, any excuse your wife gives is a cop out and not valid. So, how does your wife deal with this addiction of hers? She gets counseling! She needs help, because her actions are affecting the marriage.

All accounts of hers that involve Skype, role playing, dating, etc. need to be deleted! I had a friend get involve with a gal through Facebook chat which lead to him having an affair with his friend's wife. His wife was forgiving enough to work through the betrayal, but my friend had to delete his Facebook account, because of the temptation that it caused him. Make no mistake about it, your wife needs to delete all of her chatting accounts if she cares about you and the marriage.

If not, she has made it clear that she does not care about you or the marriage and just wants to fool around and I would look for separation at that time and see if that wakes her up. It is not fair or right what your wife is doing and she needs to stop. That is her option. When? NOW! It needs to stop NOW! No grace period or when she feels like it. But there needs to be consequences in place is she does not cut it off. The consequences are separation for now. Personally, I could not stand to live in the same house if my wife betrayed me in this way. Absolutely disgusting and inappropriate.

Best of luck to you.

 

[PFTGuy]

The behavior that your observing does not indicate that your wife does not care for you, or love you. She's displaying signs of addictive/compulsive behavior, and needs to get help. You have every right to set boundaries around this behavior, but I would suggest you try to remain calm and detached. Maybe see a counselor, and find out if she's willing to get help.

Good luck...

 

[Murphy93]

good luck....

 

[Hope1964]

My husband did something similar. There's some links in my sig you may find helpful.

My husband will never again be able to do ANYthing online that has a chat feature of any kind.

 

[moxy]

My husband did something a lot like this and it eventually moved from cams and online stuff to meeting people on Craig's List. Now we're separated and going through a divorce, even though I love him and I think he loves me. Marriage is about commitment and not feelings, so you have to look for practical solutions to the problem, rather than emotional ones. Of course, you're going to be feeling pretty miserable given your discovery of her behavior and you're going to want to fix it right away, but...this can only be fixed if you are BOTH willing to do the hard work of addressing the problem; you want to fix the problem, but...does she even see that it is a problem yet?

What she is doing is an addiction. It's a lot like a drug because it's being used to escape reality and not deal with actual problems or issues in a manner that is conducive to real life with a partner. It's enough of a problem to be a deal breaker, if it isn't dealt with and it will worsen beyond chat and online stuff. At first, it feels fun and innocent because there is no physical contact, but the emotional connection between the two of you will become depleted and that energy channeled into the other people in these emotional affairs. Eventually, as with any drug, tolerance is built up and more extreme actions (going physical) will be needed to get the same thrill.

I do not think you should marry this woman if she does not stop this behavior. In fact, I think that if you care about her and about yourself, you insist that she get counseling and quit this cold turkey or else you are through. If she isn't seeing a counselor (preferably a couple's counselor with you, so that she can address her intimacy issues), within the month, then call off the engagement and break up with her. You've given her no consequences except for a little complaining, which means you've given her permission to continue. If you leave, she will either quit this nonsense and try to work it out with you or you will realize that she is not worth your time and commitment because she is not a good partner. Either way, if you do not establish clear boundaries right now, you will end up a doormat.

Have a look at the Coping with Infidelity board and see what awaits you, if you marry this woman while she is still addicted to emotional affairs and cybersex with strangers. Continue to accept this behavior from her and you are in for a world of pain.

 

[SacredSex]

I've had my share of dealings with addiction, my own as well as those of my significant others. Addictions of all types; drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, on-line chat/dating/etc. It would seem a lot of people have one issue or another which affects their lives and or relationships in varying degrees.

One girlfriend had obsessive compulsive issues and she felt compelled to go from room to room mentally inventorying everything to insure it was still there. She was adamant about keeping all her things in particular places to facilitate the efficiency of this process. She would stop by a room look around and determine everything was as it should be and turn out the light as she left. This would tell her she had already checked this room and she could leave it be until something changes it's status. She was so sly at doing this it took me a couple of weeks to even noticed that something was up.

Now I could have thrown a fit and told her this silliness had to stop or we couldn't continue dating. She could have attempted to change or at least better hide her activities. I could set up discrete surveillance cameras to try and catch her while I was at work. And we would have bouts of emotional upheaval each time she was caught, eventually ending our relationship due to her unwillingness to change. It would be apparent that she just didn't care enough about me, or our relationship to give up this silly obsession, and I just wouldn't be able to deal with it. It wouldn't be so much what she was doing, but the fact that it was more important to her than me, than being with me. She would know how important it was to me that she stop this but she would have simply refused. And so it would have had to end.

Instead however, I just learned not to move things, or at least to return them to their place, and this little thing of hers basically was a non-issue. You see most addicts don't overcome their addictions, because usually they really don't want to. They like what they are doing, they will even take comfort in the most destructive of addictions. Many will profess to wanting to quit whatever it is, because they know they should want to. People like it if you want to quit. They will accept your addiction as a bad thing and won't look upon you as a bad person as long as you want to quit. If you don't then you are just a scum bag degenerate. The addict knows it would be better for their health, their relationship, and their performance at work if they want to quit. Unfortunately, they can't control whether they want to or not. Either they have reached a point in their life where they are done with it, or they haven't. Not their parents, not their boss, and not their spouse, but them. When this occurs is not set and it may never come, but there will be no success in quitting anything until it does. So forcing your spouse to give up her addiction before she is ready flat out wont work. Trying to convince her, coerce her, berate her, humiliate her, or threaten her will not work. She may have become good enough at deceiving you to fool you for a while but it will eventually come out and there it will be again.

Unfortunately, your choices are few.You need to decide if the effects of her addiction on your lives are too great to put up with in the long run. If they are then leave. There is no point in putting additional time into something hoping these kinds of behaviors will change. It is simply prolonging the inevitable, and throwing your time, efforts, and emotional resources away. It's a bad investment.

On the other hand, you can try to understand what it is she is actually doing. Why she is doing it and determine what it is that you are concerned about, exactly where your insecurities with these activities lie. Is it the secrecy? Not knowing whom she is chatting with and what it's about? I had a girlfriend who had a similar predilection. It drove me nuts. I would catch her flirting with some stranger, I would get upset. We would talk, she would promise the world, in short order I would catch her again. It bothered me and I began to ask myself why. I found the biggest problem I had with it was the secrecy, going behind my back, and lying to me about it. When I would see what she was actually writing back in forth with these guys it was sexual innuendo more than anything and I never found any evidence her setting up any kind of meeting with anyone. She would hint at it but basically she was just being a tease. Eventually I decided to try something different than simply demanding she stop. I sat down and had a frank discussion, I explained what troubled me about what she was doing and I suggested the following. I asked that she include me by keeping me apprised of the status of her conquests. I found out the she had been emailing some of these guys naked pictures of herself and enjoyed the comments she would get back. It was all about stroking her ego and building up her self confidence. I suggested that she allow me to take and edit her photos for her. These two requests solved the issue of sneaking around behind my back, kept me in the loop as to what was going on and gave me some input as to what she was distributing to these men. The last thing left for me to solve was the insecurity I felt that she was going to set up a covert meeting and have an affair behind my back. I proposed that we place a key logger on our computer that would track everything that she or I did. I didn't want to invade her privacy entirely, reading emails between she and her mother or such, but I wanted a record to be there when I became suspicious. I told her I would only review it with her knowledge and it would only be if I felt things weren't right. Overall the combination of these three things relieved my concerns, she gained a new bit of excitement by including me in her little secret world, and I actually had some fun with the pictures and just being privy to what was going on. What had been an activity that was sure to destroy our relationship, with a little honesty on both sides and a little creative thinking actually became an enjoyable activity and oddly it became less of an obsession for her over time. I can't give you any long term success story as our relationship ended after two and a half years, but these issues had nothing to do with that.

 

[lowesick]

what your wife is doing is VERY WRONG!! and you are RIGHT to stop her from everything she is doing.. if this is addiction... get her to counselor and help her!!