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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Is it possible that what my WS thought was rock bottom, really wasn't? Something major happened about a little over a year ago. I believe he is both an alcoholic and sex addict. Things have been happening for years. The only reason why I think he said last year's event was rock bottom was because someone finally called the police on him in a strip club, after he had already spent over $6k and started to supposedly make 'threats'. The police were called they contacted everyone on his phone. That was the moment where I couldn't keep things covered anymore. His family had to go pick him up at the hospital and unfortunately the police were nice enough to let him go. After that I told him to seek a therapist, after over a month of him not finding one, i found one for him in under 24hrs. We went for over a year and a half, twice per week. The drinking has never stopped. Instead it's getting worse in frequency and quantity of drinks. He's now staying out on work nights too.
He had described that event with the police and him calling the prostitutes from craigslist as his 'rock bottom'. Im in the funeral business and I even filled out the same paperwork that is filled out for people when you make burial plans for him, to make it more real for him.
Fast forward to now. As I said, the problems aren't letting up. He acts as though he has no problem. I left therapy. Ive had it with him. I have no more chances left.
Why has he seemingly forgotten about this supposed 'rock bottom'? I guess it was not rock bottom at all. He's looking for the next event to occur for him to say he has hit 'rock bottom' again. What is wrong with people like this?
 

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Are you still together as far as living together? People usually don't change their behaviors unless there are consequences involved. It seems he may have thought he hit "rock bottom" because as you said the police was called. He still wasn't held accountable because he was let go.

What are some suggestions this therapists has made? Have they recommended him going to AA meetings? You might want to seek out Alanon meetings for yourself as well. In the end you will need to decide for yourself what you will and will not live with. One reality about addictions is, not all people who hit "rock bottom" change.
 

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It doesn't sound like he hit rock bottom to me. It sounds like he just got caught and had the police called, thats all.

My first wife was a hardcore drug addict, and they will not change unless they want to change. I do agree with and believe people should be held accountable for their actions/behavior. It does not always mean they will get help or stop what they are doing, but it lets them know what other people will and will not tolerate.

Living with an addict of any kind is hard. My suggestion for you is to find some local alanon groups and attend those. Its time to take care of you, because there is nothing you can do for the other person.
 

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An addict cant even dabble in their addiction zone. A gambler cant have a small bet (i know cause i am a gambler albiet i have not had a bet in a long time. An alcoholic can not have a small drink etc. There are some exceptions but they are few and far between. Your man however is still in party mode as far as you are concerned. In truth he is probably just self medicating but that doesnt change the hurt it causes. we hit rock bottom everytime it goes terribly wrong. this doesnt mean any profound change is going to occur. im sorry not to offer hope but it does exist. unfortunately he nees to see consequence and a way out every time he trips. this is wearing on you and you dont have to continue it. you however can if you so wish. dont feel compelled to stay with him or leave him. do what you feel is right for you. if you decide later you made a wrong decision you can undo it. As an addict he most likely isnt going any other place in a permanent fashion any time soon. I wish you the best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Are you still together as far as living together? People usually don't change their behaviors unless there are consequences involved. .
That is the conclusion it took me so long to come to. I even mentioned it to him recently. Just as with raising children, or even when we train our pets, If there are no consequences for bad behaviors, then there is no reason not to do them. I don't have any kids though. There have been many, 'I'm gonna change' moments, i'm going to stop drinking for x amount of time and so on. He even stopped sleeping with me for x amount of time from time to time, I think it was perhaps a secretive way to try and tame the sex addiction? I dunno. He never answers much.
I am tired of being the only who always gets stuck with the bad results of his behavior, whether it's cleaning up after him or covering stuff up.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
An addict cant even dabble in their addiction zone. A gambler cant have a small bet (i know cause i am a gambler albiet i have not had a bet in a long time. An alcoholic can not have a small drink etc. There are some exceptions but they are few and far between. Your man however is still in party mode as far as you are concerned. In truth he is probably just self medicating but that doesnt change the hurt it causes. we hit rock bottom everytime it goes terribly wrong. this doesnt mean any profound change is going to occur. im sorry not to offer hope but it does exist. unfortunately he nees to see consequence and a way out every time he trips. this is wearing on you and you dont have to continue it. you however can if you so wish. dont feel compelled to stay with him or leave him. do what you feel is right for you. if you decide later you made a wrong decision you can undo it. As an addict he most likely isnt going any other place in a permanent fashion any time soon. I wish you the best.
The awful thing is that his family is also full of enablers. He's had relatives who have had major drinking issues and when I was new to the family I would notice weird stuff going on. There were one or two family members who would go crazy drinking and the rest of them would continue to offer them drinks, despite their inappropriate behavior. I can't even begin to discuss what his mother has done while drunk in front of me. It would make for too long of a story. It's as if they all support each other. In a way it's hard to think there's something wrong with you, when no one has left you, and your mom drinks too much, and so does someone else, etc, and nothing ever happens to them, either. But I think that at some point we must decide if something is working for us or not. Just because someone else behaves one way, it doesn't mean we should too. I can't believe he is so immature for his age. He is 30, I am 27. I've been putting up with this since my early 20's and it truly sucks.
 

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That's not rockbottom. Rockbottom is rockbottom.

Fast forward to now. As I said, the problems aren't letting up. He acts as though he has no problem. I left therapy. Ive had it with him. I have no more chances left.


You're an enabler who's wiped her hands of him which is PRECISELY what he wants because now you still take care of him and don't get involved. Rockbottom is kick him out no credit cards, no car, no access to your money and he can do whatever he's lined up to do with that.
 

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That's not rockbottom. Rockbottom is rockbottom.

Fast forward to now. As I said, the problems aren't letting up. He acts as though he has no problem. I left therapy. Ive had it with him. I have no more chances left.


You're an enabler who's wiped her hands of him which is PRECISELY what he wants because now you still take care of him and don't get involved. Rockbottom is kick him out no credit cards, no car, no access to your money and he can do whatever he's lined up to do with that.
If you were to say "you can't do this and live here - it isn't healthy for you - and for me. When you want to get help and you are prepared to get help then you can come home" how long do you think it would take before he would come home? I mean he can't have that many friends around that will let him crash for x number of days - and let them mooch off of him. Cut him off for a little. He'll come back eventually. It is hard to do, but at least if and when he came back it would be better. You have to have an idea of what your bottom line is and what you need in your life bare minimum.... and stick to it.
 

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As you know, everyone's rock bottom is different. Personally, I do not believe in rock bottom. The deeper and the closer they get to rock bottom, the more they drink so they don't feel the effects of hopelessness. Didn't you know it's the spouses job to worry about their wellbeing while they could give a crap about their own lives?

My husband has had 5 DUI's. Lost his license for years (if you add up the charges of 5 DUI's). He had to have one of those things installed on his truck to blow into before he could start it. He lost my respect, he lost his sex drive, he lost his zest for life and all I can do is sit back and watch.

Being co-dependent to a drunk is hard, painful, and thankless.

Hope is a demon.
 
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