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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello,

I could really do with some help.

Me and my wife have been together around 9 and a half years. 5 months ago we got married. We travelled across the atlantic for the wedding we had always wanted. As far as I felt, I had everything. The perfect wife, the perfect life. But then on NYE I got a completely unexpected smack in the face: my wife told me her feelings have changed. I got the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. She says she has felt like this for a while, even from before the wedding.

This knocked me off my feet and over the next few days I found out that she had met someone, which made me feel a million times worse. Nothing had happened with this person she met at work but they had met socially on two occasions outside of work and she had lied to me. She had told him she was falling for him and had considered giving up everything we have for him. This has only really just happend though. They have only met twice in the past couple of weeks and before then they didn't even have any mobile phone contact.

I found this out through a relative whom my wife had confided in. If the relative had not told me, I've no idea when I would have found out. The only positive here is that there has been no infidelity, which I know with certainty (I won't go into it now). However, if I hadn't found out then it looks like there would have been.

Throughout, my wife lied to me a lot despite me giving her the chance to tell me everything and letting her know that I already knew. I guess I just wanted to hear it from her mouth but she still lied.

I threw her out after a few days. We both needed time to think. After a few days she got in touch and said she wanted to come home to sort things out. Despite everything, I wanted the same. I can get past the lies and the fact that she has feelings for some other guy because I know what we once had was absolutely incredible. We've been together almost 10 years so I have to give things a go. My wife tells me thats the reason she wants to sort it too, because she wants back what we had. She is also very sorry for what she has put me through. So now we're on the road to recovery.

She doesn't have a reason as to why her feelings have changed. She says I have done nothing wrong but they have faded. We both agree though that over the past 6 months my wife has been through a lot (bereavements of very important people in her life plus family issues amongst other things). She says her head is messed up and she needs to get back on track. She has gotten medical advice and is going to get some personal counselling.

It's only been a few days since my wife moved back in but I just don't know what to do now. She says I should just be myself and just give her time. The problem is, it's really hard to be myself because I am scared to death I am going to make her change her mind about working on us. I even asked "Do I hug you as normal? Do I kiss you as normal?" because I'm so lost. She said to give her space with things like that. I asked whether I should surprise her and take her out, she said no. But then she has never liked surprises.

My problem is, I'm not sure how we can get through this if we just carry on as if nothing has happened, because that is what is feels like we're doing (minus the intimacy).

I should add that I've read lots of online advice that says I should go back to "how it was when you first met" and take her out, buy her flowers, book weekends away. But the problem is, I've always done this. Our relationship was brilliant. We had fun, sex was amazing, I bought her flowers etc etc. That makes things harder because it doesn't seem like there was anything that I was doing wrong before (although I understand that's a bit of an arrogant stance, there must have been something I have been doing wrong).

What do I do? My wife saying she's felt like this even since before the wedding (which she just put down to pre-wedding nerves) and that her feelings for this other guy were really just a bi-product (ie she didn't feel the same about me, she met him and she got that new and exciting feeling you get when you first meet someone). But because I noticed no signs of any problems before she dropped the bombshell on me I can't help but think it's a little different. I think (hope) she just needs to get over her feelings for this guy and then her feelings for me will be visible to her again.

I really need some help as you can tell. I love my wife more than the world, despite everything. I never thought we would end up like this after 5 months of marriage. I'm just holding on to the fact there has been no infidelity.
 

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"She doesn't have a reason as to why her feelings have changed. "

Its the emotional detachment that happens with the EA. Been there. My 17 year very good marriage came to a sudden bumpy road with my wife disconnected from me. She was going through the MLC and having lunches with a younger guy. She started dreaming of greener pastures and blamed me for her depression....MLC.

Has your wife cut off all contact with the other guy? That is a demand you need to make for this to repair. She basically cheated on you with the EA which can be more devistating than the PA.

If she does not, then you need to start learning about the 180. This will help you on many levels. Trust me.

Can you get into MC with a pro marriage counselor?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
"She doesn't have a reason as to why her feelings have changed. "

Its the emotional detachment that happens with the EA. Been there. My 17 year very good marriage came to a sudden bumpy road with my wife disconnected from me. She was going through the MLC and having lunches with a younger guy. She started dreaming of greener pastures and blamed me for her depression....MLC.

Has your wife cut off all contact with the other guy? That is a demand you need to make for this to repair. She basically cheated on you with the EA which can be more devistating than the PA.

If she does not, then you need to start learning about the 180. This will help you on many levels. Trust me.

Can you get into MC with a pro marriage counselor?
That was my first demand. She's cut all contact. The other guy doesn't want to be stuck in the middle of this either so he's left work so they shouldn't see or speak to each other.

Not down with all the acronyms though. MLC=Mid Life Crisis? Thing is, she's 29. I didn't expect that.

Did you manage to work things out? I'm just hoping her feelings come back once she forgets about this other guy.
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Oh and about marriage counselling, she says she doesn't want that yet. It's only been a few days. Maybe she'll be open to it on a while?

I feel completely helpless. I've done nothing. All I want to do is make her see why we fell in love in the first place!
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seems similar to what im going thru...except throw infidelity in the mix....married 15 years found out she had roughly a 10 month affair with a mutual ex friend.....anyways..I too got the I love you but not in love with you card played on me ....I started counselling and was told this is the defense mechanism they put up to deal with the old feeling vs the affair feelings....i moved oout for a few days and returned to work on things....i have the same feelings do i hug too much kiss rub etc.....she has seen a MONSTROUS change in me...for the good.....I have tried the 180 thing and I believe it works....good luck to you guys.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
seems similar to what im going thru...except throw infidelity in the mix....married 15 years found out she had roughly a 10 month affair with a mutual ex friend.....anyways..I too got the I love you but not in love with you card played on me ....I started counselling and was told this is the defense mechanism they put up to deal with the old feeling vs the affair feelings....i moved oout for a few days and returned to work on things....i have the same feelings do i hug too much kiss rub etc.....she has seen a MONSTROUS change in me...for the good.....I have tried the 180 thing and I believe it works....good luck to you guys.
Sorry to hear that. Seems like you're going through a rough time too!

The 180 is all about turning yourself around right? Making yourself more desirable? Thing is, I already work out, I eat well, I dress smartly. I'm not ripped by any means but I'm in good shape. In other words I'm no magazine model but I don't think I'm really undesirable. I'm not sure what else to do?

This is so hard. We've had a good weekend but I'm getting nothing from her. She seems happy but there's been nothing between us other than being like friends with each other.

From what you say about the advice from your counselor, does that mean she's still getting over her feelings for the other guy? My only hope is that when she does, she'll realise what we have together!
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Hopefully you'll get there. We reconciled after 6 months apart, and made a really happy marriage. Take it slowly, a day at a time, and we made it good again.

But beware, dont slip into your old habits, i did, so did she, and she left again yesterday, with no hope for reconciliation (i think).

Dont have any regrets, i have alot, and i cant do anything about it now.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Hopefully you'll get there. We reconciled after 6 months apart, and made a really happy marriage. Take it slowly, a day at a time, and we made it good again.

But beware, dont slip into your old habits, i did, so did she, and she left again yesterday, with no hope for reconciliation (i think).

Dont have any regrets, i have alot, and i cant do anything about it now.
Sorry to hear that. Good advice about the regrets though. This is why I've done everything to help my wife to see it's worth giving it a shot. I'd regret it later (and I think she would too) if we didn't do what we could to give it a go.

We had a long talk last night and I've tried to take the pressure off, because she's feeling panic because she feels so much pressure to love me again. I don't want that and I didn't realise he was feeling that way.

So we've effectively taken things right back. We're seeing each other as friends to a certain extent (but thats how she see's me currently anyway).

We have an assesement meeting with a counsellor tomorrow too. But I've told her she doesn't have to come if she doesn't feel ready. I'm willing to go alone as I could do with someone to talk to whether that be alone or with my wife.

I'm hoping now that she doesn't feel pressure to show intimacy towards me that she can relax and we can start to rebuild.

Am I doing the right thing?
 

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It sounds like you are. Just make sure you address any problems you 2 have. We didnt, we sweeped alot of stuff under the carpet.

Good luck, i wish my marriage still had a slight chance.
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Uh, she had an emotional affair, she cheated on you. There HAS been infidelity! Read up on it. And now you are letting HER call the shots??? You said "I am scared to death I am going to make her change her mind about working on us." That is the WRONG attitude. SHE is the one who should be scared to death. You need to give her the impression you don't give a damn.

You also said "I've read lots of online advice that says I should go back to "how it was when you first met" and take her out, buy her flowers, book weekends away." This is really BAD advice. It is SHE who should be doing this for YOU.

Read the newbie link in my signature and start doing the 180 NOW. Right now you are acting like a puppy, following her around and hoping she'll deign to give you a pat on the head. You need to stop doing that and start standing up for yourself here. At the VERY least, you will need to have all her passwords for phone, computer, email, bank accounts etc. and an accounting for every second of her time when she isn't with you. This is minimum.

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It explains everything far better than I can.

You should also tell the OM's wife what went on between him and your wife.

When she comes out of the fog is when MC should happen. If and when it does, DO NOT take any responsibility for her choice to cheat. Accept that you can change things about yourself to improve the marriage, but DO NOT allow her or the counselor to place any blame on you for what she did.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
It sounds like you are. Just make sure you address any problems you 2 have. We didnt, we sweeped alot of stuff under the carpet.

Good luck, i wish my marriage still had a slight chance.
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Thanks Rickster. I hope things get better for you.

Uh, she had an emotional affair, she cheated on you. There HAS been infidelity! Read up on it. And now you are letting HER call the shots??? You said "I am scared to death I am going to make her change her mind about working on us." That is the WRONG attitude. SHE is the one who should be scared to death. You need to give her the impression you don't give a damn.

You also said "I've read lots of online advice that says I should go back to "how it was when you first met" and take her out, buy her flowers, book weekends away." This is really BAD advice. It is SHE who should be doing this for YOU.

Read the newbie link in my signature and start doing the 180 NOW. Right now you are acting like a puppy, following her around and hoping she'll deign to give you a pat on the head. You need to stop doing that and start standing up for yourself here. At the VERY least, you will need to have all her passwords for phone, computer, email, bank accounts etc. and an accounting for every second of her time when she isn't with you. This is minimum.

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It explains everything far better than I can.

You should also tell the OM's wife what went on between him and your wife.

When she comes out of the fog is when MC should happen. If and when it does, DO NOT take any responsibility for her choice to cheat. Accept that you can change things about yourself to improve the marriage, but DO NOT allow her or the counselor to place any blame on you for what she did.
Thanks for the advice, and I know that you're right in what you're saying. But I feel we've got to the point where she's hurting just as much as I am for what she did. I guess I figured that for us to move on, I can't keep throwing it back at her because that will only push her away. Do you know where I'm coming from?

The other guy doesn't have a wife/girlfriend so I can't intervene there otherwise I most definitely would have.

I guess I felt like I stood up for myself by throwing her out and letting her do the work to come back. I left her to it and she came back because she really wanted to work things out. That's when I decided I needed to move on.

I've read the first few posts in the newbie thread and also started looking at the 180 but I'm a little confused by a few things. For example the newbie thread says I should make sure my wife is transparent and that I have access to her personal accounts so that I can see what is going on. But then the 180 pretty much tells me to act like I don't care about any of this.

I'm pretty lost. I really don't know how to act/feel/handle this. See the thing is, the EA isn't much of a concern for me now because I know it's done with. There is no contact between them and their paths shouldn't cross. The fact is, she says she hasn't been feeling the same about me for some time. Before we got married 5 months ago she went through a lot of emotional trauma (bereavements of 2 close people among other things), and I was there for her. She thinks this sort of masked the fact that she didn't love me anymore, because I was there for her. Then before she had time to get over any of the things that had happened we were - as planned - travelling to the other side of the world so get married and have her honeymoon which again, masked everything. Then since we have gotten back and the excitement is over it seems to have hit her.

This is why I'm not sure how to act. Putting the EA aside for a minute, she doesn't live me anyway. The EA was just a bi-product of the fact that she doesn't love me and when she started feeling differently about this other guy (more than friends) she said it was a wake up call to her that as a newlywed, she shouldn't feel this way.

She's seeking individual professional help to get over the emotional traumas of the past 6-12 months.

Does this change any of the advice you guys are giving me?

EDIT: I wanted to add something that's been going round and round my head. What I can't understand is what my wife thinks she will get elsewhere that she can't get from our relationship? It's a hard question to answer, I know. We have materialistic things (house, car etc) and money is up and down but we're pretty comfortable now. We both get on brilliantly, we make each other laugh and we enjoy the same things and pretty much never argue (until this happened). On top of that, the sex is incredible. There's no denying that from either side. She loves it, I love it.

I always take time to listen to her and if she has anything on her mind we talk it over. I show her affection and I try to treat her when money permits. Infact money is the only thing which stops me doing it even more.

If it's that 'new' feeling when you meet somebody, then I don't understand. Because she has already said she gets that we won't have that because we've known each other for so long now. But if she gets with someone else, after a couple of months that new feeling won't be anywhere near as strong. She's no stupid, she knows that. So what else could someone offer her that I couldn't? I'm willing to change myself if I do something that she doesn't like but she swears it isn't me.

I hate this.
 

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You want the cold hard truth?

It was more than an EA, IMO. She got used by him, you kicked her out, she thought good it's him and me only now. He said, hell no, you were only for fun. Now she's back.

OM left work because she was probably stalking him and he didn't want the drama at work or a crazy husband showing up and putting lead between his eyes.

Now she's back but it's like nothing happened but she's still not there with you emotionally yet.

Plan B until she decides if she wants to be with you or wants out.

5 months married only, no kids, get out. When she's ready to be married to you, tell her to look you up and see if you're still available at that time.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You want the cold hard truth?

It was more than an EA, IMO. She got used by him, you kicked her out, she thought good it's him and me only now. He said, hell no, you were only for fun. Now she's back.

OM left work because she was probably stalking him and he didn't want the drama at work or a crazy husband showing up and putting lead between his eyes.

Now she's back but it's like nothing happened but she's still not there with you emotionally yet.

Plan B until she decides if she wants to be with you or wants out.

5 months married only, no kids, get out. When she's ready to be married to you, tell her to look you up and see if you're still available at that time.
Thanks for the advice. If I'm honest, I've been considering this option. I'm not going to do it right away but living like this is hell. I don't think it will be much longer until I'm out of here.
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