[FireForEffect]

If the husband doesn't know them how can researchers know?

I would be so hurt if a guy I was married to wanted a DNA test done.
It would damage the trust between us.

Understand you would be put off by the request. But that is actually another reason for making the test routine and mandatory. It removes the emotion.

 

[Diana7]

Understand you would be put off by the request. But that is actually another reason for making the test routine and mandatory. It removes the emotion.

You may be right but if both parents agree not to can they force you?

 

[Diana7]

while I do not agree with a number of the points you make, I do agree that is a very messed up situation and the potential for maltreatment of the affair child is higher than for a wanted child conceived within the marriage.

But I think making a man raise his WW’s affair child is cruel and abusive in the first place.

While I am sure there are some 300lb, blue-haired liberal feminazi’s out there that would insist a BH accept and raise an affair child, I can’t imagine very many normal, decent people would.

No no one should ever be forced to raise another person's child. It should only ever happen with both spouses agreeing.

 

[oldshirt]

No no one should ever be forced to raise another person's child. It should only ever happen with both spouses agreeing.

that’s one thing we can agree on 👍

The catch here is I don’t think any man would ever actually “agree” to raise an affair child.

Any guy that does so is either being coerced or under some kind of duress or is just so weak and pathetic and ignorant he doesn’t believe that he has any choice and is too afraid to rock the boat in any way.

But IMHO no man “wants” to raise an affair child and while I disagree with quite a few of the specific points in the OP, I do agree that an affair child in the marital home is at a higher degree of risk for abuse or mistreatment.

Not only that, I think the level of anger and resentment and lack of respect etc etc in the home would make it a toxic and uncomfortable situation for everyone in the household.

I think the initial abuse and disparagement and maltreatment would be starting with the affair in the first place and then the abuse and dehumanization of making the BH raise the affair child.

….. it would all go downhill from there.

 

[oldshirt]

You may be right but if both parents agree not to can they force you?

I think from a legal standpoint, it is justified.

if biological paternity can be established right from the gitgo at birth, then that eliminates all the legal wrangling and expense and hassle that the court will have to do when paternity is challenged down the road and now we’re dealing with court-ordered paternity tests and people challenging and appealing the results etc etc etc.

That is all tying up court (ie the public’s) time and resources that can be nipped in the bud cheaply and efficiently right from the gitgo.

Make it a mandated standard practice across the board and no one needs to get any bent feelings about it and if everyone knows upfront there will be a DNA test, then there won’t be as many people trying to commit paternity fraud in the first place.

 

[FireForEffect]

You may be right but if both parents agree not to can they force you?

Well that puts emotion back into the equation with the wife pushing the husband not to do the test. So my answer would be you have no choice, it should be routine and mandatory.

 

[Radnaskela]

Reading through OP's analysis got me thinking about this from a different angle. Here are my initial thoughts, presented in a similar format:

The Reality of Affair Children: A Child-Centered Approach

Internet forums are filled with betrayed partners asking whether they should raise affair children, while commenters push abstract notions of "manning up" and "doing the noble thing." But these discussions miss the fundamental point: what actually serves the child's wellbeing.

The standard advice ignores crucial realities about children, families, and human psychology. Here are the facts betrayed partners need to understand:

1. Children don't naturally prefer biological parents - they bond with whoever loves them consistently.

The myth that genetics creates automatic preference is false. Children attach to adults who provide safety, care, and emotional availability. Adopted children often have stronger bonds with adoptive parents than biological ones. Stepchildren frequently prefer stepparents over absent or harmful biological parents.

Effect: Your relationship with the child depends on your actual parenting, not DNA.

2. Mandatory DNA testing removes family autonomy and treats genetics as more important than chosen relationships.

Families should decide what information serves their circumstances. Institutional policies that force testing prioritize biological connection over the relationships families have actually built.

Effect: State control over intimate family decisions rather than respecting family choice.

3. Half-hearted parenting causes more damage than honest departure.

If you cannot love this child without resentment, staying creates a toxic environment where the child feels unwanted and responsible for adult pain. Children deserve adults who choose to love them completely.

Effect: Better a clean separation than years of conditional, bitter "tolerance."

4. Protecting children from adult drama is non-negotiable.

Using affair children as reminders of betrayal, sources of information about the mother, or emotional support for your trauma destroys their sense of security and self-worth.

Effect: The child becomes a victim twice - once from the affair circumstances, again from adult inability to separate relationship issues from parenting.

5. Multiple loving adults benefit children, not threaten families.

If the biological father wants involvement and can provide good parenting, consider how this serves the child rather than your wounded pride. Blocking beneficial relationships out of spite prioritizes adult ego over child welfare.

Effect: Children with more loving, stable adults typically thrive better than those with fewer.

The bottom line: Every child deserves at least one adult who chooses to love them unconditionally. Whether that's you or someone else matters less than ensuring the child has that foundation. Your decision should be based on honest evaluation of what you can provide, not guilt, social pressure, or abstract nobility.

Don't stay if you'll treat the child as a living reminder of betrayal. Don't leave if you can genuinely love and parent them well. The child's wellbeing - not adult feelings - must drive the decision.

 

[LockedDoorCandyStore]

I had a friend (now ex due to her extreme negativity, selfishness, and willfully ignorant decisions), and her husband was such a stupid clod but he thought he was so smart. Stupid, absurd things kept happening to him, all his fault, but of course a stupendous surprise to him every time.

He had one kid with a junkie that he met in the military and knocked up 2 weeks after he met her. Then he had a kid with my friend, who were both too old at 39 and 40, and that kid was born with half it's brain missing. I think they had sex two times after she knew she was pregnant til the time the kid was 4.

He cheated during the pregnancy and beginning of the marriage, with two different women that she knew of, then one day a lady from his past calls him and says your son is 18 and wants to meet you. I never wanted a relationship with you so I hid him and now he's 18 so he can do what he wants. They met. The kid didn't want anything, and had turned out much better than Dad and was going to continue his education.

My friend was shocked and annoyed by this but not nearly as much as I thought she should have been, but then she didn't do anything about the cheating either because all she cared about was his paying all the bills. The kid went back home and that was the end. Her husband just seemed freaked out by the whole thing. I asked, how can we be sure that it was his kid? She said the boy looked just like him.

Not an affair, but still horrifying. And a massive red flag in a sea of other red flags. I would have so many questions but she did nothing proactive. Ever. Just stuck her head back in the sand until the next kid showed up, I guess.

 

[Radnaskela]

Well that puts emotion back into the equation with the wife pushing the husband not to do the test. So my answer would be you have no choice, it should be routine and mandatory.

NO - DNA testing should not be mandatory or routine because it represents the same institutional overreach as imposing specific beliefs about marriage and relationships.

Just as institutions shouldn't dictate who can marry or what makes a "valid" relationship based on their particular beliefs, governments and medical institutions shouldn't force genetic testing that prioritizes biology over chosen family bonds. Both treat intimate personal decisions as institutional property rather than individual choice.

Families know their own circumstances and values better than outside institutions. Real parenting is built on love, commitment, and daily care - not DNA results. The people actually living these relationships should decide what information serves their wellbeing, not have it imposed by others who don't understand their specific situation.

Whether it's ideological doctrine or genetic "truth," institutional mandates about family formation are paternalistic overreach that assumes adults can't make their own family decisions. Family autonomy means the freedom to form relationships and raise children based on what actually works for each family - not what institutions think they should know or do.

Who actually benefits from mandatory or routine testing? Not families - it removes their choice and autonomy. Not children - it prioritizes genetics over the loving relationships they actually need. The main beneficiaries would be institutions seeking control over family formation, companies profiting from mandatory testing, and systems that want comprehensive genetic databases for surveillance purposes.

DNA testing should remain a family choice. Some families may want genetic information for medical reasons or personal clarity. Others may find it irrelevant or potentially harmful to their existing bonds. Each family is best positioned to evaluate their unique circumstances and decide what serves their children's wellbeing. Respecting that choice - whether families choose to test or choose not to test - honors their autonomy and recognizes that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to family formation and parenting decisions.

 

[Diana7]

that’s one thing we can agree on 👍

The catch here is I don’t think any man would ever actually “agree” to raise an affair child.

Any guy that does so is either being coerced or under some kind of duress or is just so weak and pathetic and ignorant he doesn’t believe that he has any choice and is too afraid to rock the boat in any way.

But IMHO no man “wants” to raise an affair child and while I disagree with quite a few of the specific points in the OP, I do agree that an affair child in the marital home is at a higher degree of risk for abuse or mistreatment.

Not only that, I think the level of anger and resentment and lack of respect etc etc in the home would make it a toxic and uncomfortable situation for everyone in the household.

I think the initial abuse and disparagement and maltreatment would be starting with the affair in the first place and then the abuse and dehumanization of making the BH raise the affair child.

….. it would all go downhill from there.

You say a guy who agrees to be dad to an affair child is weak and pathetic and ignorant.
I think a guy who knowingly and willingly does this is actually very strong and incredibly brave.
He must have great courage .

 

[gameopoly5]

You may be right but if both parents agree not to can they force you?

Yes, if this became law, not to impose a husband has to take a DNA test but that his name cannot be entered on a birth certificate until taken the test.

There have been many cases whereas adults have taken a DNA test with ancestry.com and similar companies then discovered their fathers are not their fathers meaning their whole lives have been a lie, believing they were of a certain race or heritage that is not true.
I`ve watched Youtube videos whereas people have discovered their paternal families are not their paternal families and heartbreaking for them.

So simply by proving a husband is the biological father can save a lot of heartbreak later on.
I know I`m OK because I was the spitting image of my dad and when I look at my daughter I see my face staring back at me.

 

[Julie's Husband]

The child can be raised without unusual harm if separation is early. Any man who accepted continuing to live with a woman who has a child by an affair in their marriage is either a loser or has some type of hero complex.

 

[Radnaskela]

From what I see in this thread and how I feel about it, relationships work in two fundamentally different ways, and understanding this explains why mandatory testing is wrong.

Some couples build Trust Partnerships where they choose to believe in each other without needing proof. For these relationships, strength comes from mutual faith and emotional commitment. When one partner requests DNA testing, it actually damages the relationship because it implies doubt about fidelity and honesty. These couples specifically want their bond built on choosing to trust each other.

Other couples work better as Evidence Partnerships where they build their connection on confirmed facts and transparent information. For them, testing actually creates stronger foundations because certainty removes anxiety and allows them to invest emotionally without reservation. They see verification as relationship strengthening, not damaging.

The fundamental incompatibility is clear: Trust Partners experience verification requests as betrayal of their chosen approach to intimacy. Evidence Partners find blind faith anxiety-provoking and prefer dealing with concrete reality.

Both types of couples genuinely want loving, secure relationships - they just have completely different ideas about what creates that security. Trust Partnerships thrive on emotional faith in each other. Evidence Partnerships thrive on factual certainty.

This is exactly why mandatory DNA testing fails. It forces all couples into the Evidence Partnership model, even when they specifically chose Trust Partnership as their approach to building intimacy. Family choice respects that different couples need different approaches. The couple themselves should decide which model serves their specific relationship, not have it imposed by institutions.

 

[Diana7]

As a mother, I think the truthful thing to say is: for many betrayed men, raising an affair child is too much to expect and it's wrong to shame them for that. The kid is innocent, sure, but what really matters most is that they are provided for financially and have at least one stable, loving parental presence in their lives. That stability—avoiding a situation where the betrayed partner is forced to "man up"—is what will end up making the child healthy.

He must be free to choose of course.
The mother would be raising the child alone, presumably along with her own children part of the time. Not sure how that little child would feel with their siblings going to dad when they have no dad but hopefully the bio dad may step up and be a good daddy.
It's a very difficult situation all round.

 

[FireForEffect]

NO - DNA testing should not be mandatory or routine because it represents the same institutional overreach as imposing specific beliefs about marriage and relationships.

Just as institutions shouldn't dictate who can marry or what makes a "valid" relationship based on their particular beliefs, governments and medical institutions shouldn't force genetic testing that prioritizes biology over chosen family bonds. Both treat intimate personal decisions as institutional property rather than individual choice.

Families know their own circumstances and values better than outside institutions. Real parenting is built on love, commitment, and daily care - not DNA results. The people actually living these relationships should decide what information serves their wellbeing, not have it imposed by others who don't understand their specific situation.

Whether it's ideological doctrine or genetic "truth," institutional mandates about family formation are paternalistic overreach that assumes adults can't make their own family decisions. Family autonomy means the freedom to form relationships and raise children based on what actually works for each family - not what institutions think they should know or do.

Who actually benefits from mandatory or routine testing? Not families - it removes their choice and autonomy. Not children - it prioritizes genetics over the loving relationships they actually need. The main beneficiaries would be institutions seeking control over family formation, companies profiting from mandatory testing, and systems that want comprehensive genetic databases for surveillance purposes.

DNA testing should remain a family choice. Some families may want genetic information for medical reasons or personal clarity. Others may find it irrelevant or potentially harmful to their existing bonds. Each family is best positioned to evaluate their unique circumstances and decide what serves their children's wellbeing. Respecting that choice - whether families choose to test or choose not to test - honors their autonomy and recognizes that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to family formation and parenting decisions.

Well we can agree to disagree. The only compromise I could potentially see working is if testing would occur if at least 1 "parent" requested it. However, this still wouldn't stop a wife from pressuring her hub not to do it, which IMHO would leave the door open to abuse. I don't see any benefit whatsoever from keeping a husband guessing and worried about whether he has actually sired the child he is raising. I wouldn't like to see the US become France in that regard. I think the majority of men would want to know the truth in questionable circumstances.

Finally you talk of family as if its a monolithic entity. Families, parents specifically, are individuals and as such may have different interests in the outcome of potential testing. Any "father" interested in DNA testing likely has at least some reason to be desirous of said testing. Clearly his interests in "family" diverge from his wife's interests in those situations. Nothing is "paternalistic" about wanting to be sure your kid is actually yours.

 

[manwithnoname]

This topic brings me to think of the last U.S. election when one of the sides was pro abortion and the other pro life. I am in the middle. What’s wrong with the plan B type pills? Apparently they are supposed to stop the egg from being fertilized to begin with, and it’s debatable whether it is an actual baby right after fertilization.

There’s no ****ing way I’m raising an affair child or a child conceived during a rape.

 

[Trident]

I think a guy who knowingly and willingly does this is actually very strong and incredibly brave.
He must have great courage .

Clearly you live in a different world than most.

It's safe to say the vast majority would disagree with you and would believe (as do I) that such a man is a coward and too weak to walk away from a cheating wife and the child of the man she cheated on him with.

 

[Benbutton]

Clearly you live in a different world than most.

You are just now reaching that conclusion?

 

[LockedDoorCandyStore]

This topic brings me to think of the last U.S. election when one of the sides was pro abortion and the other pro life. I am in the middle. What’s wrong with the plan B type pills? Apparently they are supposed to stop the egg from being fertilized to begin with, and it’s debatable whether it is an actual baby right after fertilization.

There’s no ****ing way I’m raising an affair child or a child conceived during a rape.

You can do the same thing as plan B by taking a bunch of normal bc pills within a small window of time. I think the Princeton website had a list of each brand of bc pill and how much to take to be the equivalent. I think it's just a big estrogen overload that throws the process off, like the myriad of natural things that throw off the process naturally 50% of the time.

 

[Diana7]

Clearly you live in a different world than most.

It's safe to say the vast majority would disagree with you and would believe (as do I) that such a man is a coward and too weak to walk away from a cheating wife and the child of the man she cheated on him with.

Well I can't agree that most would agree with you that men who do that are cowards, not at all.
I talked to Mr D today about this scenario.
That if a women he was married to cheated and got pregnant but she was totally repentant, would he bring that child up as his own.
I knew what he was going to say and he didn't let me down, yes he said.
That's the sort of amazing guy he is and I am so happy he goes against the flow.

I think the easiest thing to do is leave, the much harder thing to do is to forgive and stay and be the best dad he could to that innocent child, that takes real strength and character. Not many men could do that. Plus he doesn't believe in killing unborn babies.


I appreciate that not many men or women could do that, but there are some who would take up that challenge and make it work.