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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hey guys,

As you would probably guessed from the title, I am trying to decide if I should give up to all the pressure from my partner and friends and officially ask this girl to be my GF. I have always thought that there is no point of officially dating with a girl unless you would want to marry her and "might" have a baby, or two or three of them:eek:. (Feel free to challenge this logic, without getting into religion)

Anyway, if I am going to officially date this girl for a year or so and ask her at the end, assuming she doesn't have horrible parents or anything like that, I want to be sure that she is responsible and smart enough to be a good gf/wife.

After finding this forum and reading some of the topics, I have realized she might actually end up cheating on me, which is a problem that I have never thought before those topics. I was naive enough to assume that women wouldn't cheat "after marriage" if you are handsome, making good money and a good mate for life that stimulate her body and thoughts.

Well knowing that you can actually never satisfy a women, emotionally and physically, until their friends start talking about your perfectly formed ass or your other obvious qualities that wouldn't really be appreciated by her unless other women points out,lol women amazing creatures... So anyway I wanted to ask you guys what qualities I should look for in a girl that I might consider as my GF/Wife.

As you might realized writing this thread took me at least 15 minutes and I ended up deciding not to ask the current girl I am seeing :) I just thought I worked so hard all my life for my professional success, looks and current state of mental health/happiness level, giving a women, like her, power to diminish/destroy all these would certainly deserves closer scrutiny. Better safe than sorry.

Female Members under 35 : Please do not reply to this unless you leave your ego, emotions and mistakes in the past aside, and have something strikingly relevant/well-thought to say.
 

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This could be an interesting topic if you are open to suggestions and criticism. Many folks could learn something.
 
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This could be an interesting topic if you are open to suggestions and criticism. Many folks could learn something.
I agree...throw it out there. You can learn a lot from others who have gone thru situations and learned from their mistakes. This site is great for gaining insights and understanding different points of view....in my opinion.
 
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Let's see where this goes for a little while. I may just do that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 · (Edited)
This could be an interesting topic if you are open to suggestions and criticism. Many folks could learn something.

I actually am, first three items are the prerequisites for me to see any men/women as a real friend;

  • Hardworking and well educated
  • Aware of his worth to the society (This is very important; I have met so many women, more than men, who see themselves like a member of the Royal Family...)
  • Confident about him/herself

For my potential wife, in addition to the items above:

[*]Sane ( Why do women gradually lose their sanity once they start climbing up the corporate ladder???)
[*]Naturally beautiful ( Any average looking women below 150lb is naturally beautiful, yes even without make up!)


Honestly, all my life I have only met "one girl" who had these traits, and it was seven years ago while I was in college. Now she is married to a guy that can be found in Forbes 500, lucky bastard :smthumbup:



Anyway I am perfectly open to listen and evaluate any suggestion/criticism,
 

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How old are you?

I have to say I'm impressed by the the analysis you made in your head about asking this girl out or not. Not many men do this. They just go ahead and don't really care about the outcome.

Curious, what made you think she could cheat on you in some future?
 

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i suppose it all depends on you as a person and what you like and dislike,my grandpa is a mean S.O.B but my grandma was the life of the party and they were great together,where as some serious people cant stand goofy/wild people.


i personally am wild,goofy and crazy but know when to get serious and same with my gf,we both live inexpensivly and are okay with it. and the relationship should feel as natural as breathing,no "define" our relationship period or one playing hard to get,you should just click
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
How old are you?

I have to say I'm impressed by the the analysis you made in your head about asking this girl out or not. Not many men do this. They just go ahead and don't really care about the outcome.

Curious, what made you think she could cheat on you in some future?
I am 27, well as I have said before, I have never thought that she would cheat on me before reading this forum, but all these stories and comments made me question my assumptions on marriage and human behavior.

I would understand if a men/women might go out and hook up with someone if they are having relationship problems when they are in college, but it was interesting for me to read how all these men/women still behave irresponsibly even they are 30 something.

Not having a degree or experience in sociology, I can't judge these people, but now since I know that I can't just automatically assume that women act rationally and responsibly, when they are married, I wanted to get some advise from people with real life experiences.
 

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Honestly, the analysis is a great start for finding a gf/wife, but you could find this "perfect" women and she may still end up cheating on you. There's no great analysis for how a person will act in the future; this is why there is an extraneous variable called "the human factor." Certainly having a confident woman who does not need or want the reassurance of herself from other men correlates with a higher likely-hood of remaining faithful; however, it's a far cry from a guarantee a relationship with that woman will work.

My best advice for you is to find someone who meets your criteria who, more importantly, you can't go a day without thinking about. Every time you think of the girl you make your wife you should smile, uncontrollably and she should feel the same way about you.

It's not a lack of criteria or compatibility that causes most marriages to fail. It's a lack of passion, taking the little things for granted, and allowing life to let two people grow apart. Marriage is a life-long promise to put another person before yourself and to fight to make things work; if you do not have the passion and love to make you WANT to put your marriage before everything else (including your career) it won't work, for one reason for another. Marriage can make you happier than you think you can be, but only if it's with the right person and only if both people put forth the necessary effort.

Also, I wouldn't take the experiences of others on this site for granted. They give wonderful insight on what can go wrong, what signs to look for, how to make a marriage work, etc. As my father taught me- Intelligent people learn from their mistakes, but really intelligent people learn from the mistakes of others.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 · (Edited)
Honestly, the analysis is a great start for finding a gf/wife, but you could find this "perfect" women and she may still end up cheating on you. There's no great analysis for how a person will act in the future; this is why there is an extraneous variable called "the human factor." Certainly having a confident woman who does not need or want the reassurance of herself from other men correlates with a higher likely-hood of remaining faithful; however, it's a far cry from a guarantee a relationship with that woman will work.

My best advice for you is to find someone who meets your criteria who, more importantly, you can't go a day without thinking about. Every time you think of the girl you make your wife you should smile, uncontrollably and she should feel the same way about you.

It's not a lack of criteria or compatibility that causes most marriages to fail. It's a lack of passion, taking the little things for granted, and allowing life to let two people grow apart. Marriage is a life-long promise to put another person before yourself and to fight to make things work; if you do not have the passion and love to make you WANT to put your marriage before everything else (including your career) it won't work, for one reason for another. Marriage can make you happier than you think you can be, but only if it's with the right person and only if both people put forth the necessary effort.

Also, I wouldn't take the experiences of others on this site for granted. They give wonderful insight on what can go wrong, what signs to look for, how to make a marriage work, etc. As my father taught me- Intelligent people learn from their mistakes, but really intelligent people learn from the mistakes of others.
First of all, I would like to thank you for sharing your insights they are really helpful and serve as a solid framework for my understanding :)

Actually you might even have saved me from a failed marriage, loosely speaking, I hate failures:eek: Jokes aside, if I am going to get married and make my family the first priority, I should have a stable position that I make a good & fixed amount every month, in addition to a good amount of capital sitting in the bank, and I'm not positive that I can accomplish that goal in lets say next 3 years.This is the biggest reason why I always keep my defenses up, because if I end up falling in love with someone I am not sure if I can keep up with the demands from the work and my own romantic needs, sad facts of life :eek:

Although after reading this website I initially decided that that I was never getting married, as you have pointed out there are some shared patterns on failed marriages, and its not like that all women/men cheat and marriages fail. So now I have a better understanding of the dynamics behind the marriages.

Once again, I appreciate your insights and perspective.Thank you
 

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Most cheaters don't just wake up one day and go cheat,in most cases marriage was already in big trouble where both parties were responsible for state of marriage.
 

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I am interested in this topic too. OP you sound like me. I'm 29 but have had the same epiphanies about relationships and i'm so glad I didn't get married earlier in life. The things I know and think about in terms in relationships have really opened my eyes. There are some books that are often recommended on this site. I think you should read them. Even though you are single,, I think these books can help to give you an insight of good dynamics in marriage. Also, a blueprint of sort for potential pitfalls.
 

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OP your disclaimer at the bottom has me feeling you aren't mature enough for marriage.

You make sweeping generalisations about women.

Any person man or woman from any age bracket can and does sometimes do stupid things.

The way you can have a great marriage is by knowing your self, being confident about yourself, be willing to let little things slide but never your principles, be willing to compromise on other things, be fair, have empathy, be giving but also make sure that you aren't allways the one giving, able to stand up for yourself but not be selfish, be willing to put your wife and family first.

Then you will be a good well rounded husband, no door matt but not an aZZ either.
 

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OP your disclaimer at the bottom has me feeling you aren't mature enough for marriage.

You make sweeping generalisations about women
.

Any person man or woman from any age bracket can and does sometimes do stupid things.

The way you can have a great marriage is by knowing your self, being confident about yourself, be willing to let little things slide but never your principles, be willing to compromise on other things, be fair, have empathy, be giving but also make sure that you aren't allways the one giving, able to stand up for yourself but not be selfish, be willing to put your wife and family first.

Then you will be a good well rounded husband, no door matt but not an aZZ either.
I agree with this. But think I can understand the OPs mindset. I think he was a guy that thought women were perfect special creatures that were without flaws, always honest or whatever it is moms tell their sons:p Sort of like those guys who believe women never ever cheat. Now that he knows that women are just as human as men I think he's trying to process that information and the sweeping generalizations probably are coping mechanisms for being disillusioned. OP you need to get over this and understand that while there are certain general traits to avoid for personal preference, a generalization that sweeping only serves to deprive you. I promise you this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
OP your disclaimer at the bottom has me feeling you aren't mature enough for marriage.

You make sweeping generalisations about women.

Any person man or woman from any age bracket can and does sometimes do stupid things.

The way you can have a great marriage is by knowing your self, being confident about yourself, be willing to let little things slide but never your principles, be willing to compromise on other things, be fair, have empathy, be giving but also make sure that you aren't allways the one giving, able to stand up for yourself but not be selfish, be willing to put your wife and family first.

Then you will be a good well rounded husband, no door matt but not an aZZ either.
Can you please explain all of us what exactly is the sweeping generalization in that disclaimer?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I agree with this. But think I can understand the OPs mindset. I think he was a guy that thought women were perfect special creatures that were without flaws, always honest or whatever it is moms tell their sons:p Sort of like those guys who believe women never ever cheat. Now that he knows that women are just as human as men I think he's trying to process that information and the sweeping generalizations probably are coping mechanisms for being disillusioned. OP you need to get over this and understand that while there are certain general traits to avoid for personal preference, a generalization that sweeping only serves to deprive you. I promise you this.
I believe the only problem with disclaimer is that it should have emphasize words like well-thought and emotions even more, and include men too.

Briefly, people do not necessarily prefer communicating with others who have no problem with building a logic structure upon unfounded assumptions and come up with conclusions using these methods. Although I generally agree with the fact that generalizations do more harm than good, you should read your com 101 notes for basic communication skills and logic structures and psyc 101 notes for coping mechanisms.Actually why don't you enlighten me by naming one or more, if any, coping mechanism in the literature that one gets disillusioned by making generalizations:eek: Very interesting stuff...
 

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You're just going steady, no need to think so far into marriage now. Take your time at this stage of a relationship, have some fun, take your time, and let her earn your trust if she truly to be your future wife. After a few years you'll know when you both are ready.
 

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Can you please explain all of us what exactly is the sweeping generalization in that disclaimer?
By thinking that women under 35 can't be objective or at least your disclaimer makes out women under 35 can, only comment if they are "special" or "mature" enough to meet your requirements. rather then understanding that human beings are complex and often age does help people with wisdom but not necessarily so, and gender has nothing to do with it.

Any way OP, you need to worry more about yourself and your attributes, ideals, goals and morals. Then if you meet a woman who doesn't fit them you will be more likely to stand up for yourself. If you don't know how you are and what you stand for and what's important to you, then most likely all is lost anyway.
 
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