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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have a disagreement which threatens to destroy our marriage, because we are both very strong in our feelings. We would like to hear others' views and/or advice on how we can get passed this, and move on. Any posts would be greatly appreciated. Here's the situation: my wife and I live together in an apartment in Manhattan. My son lives in New Jersey, and I spend every other weekend in NJ with him. The alternate weekends, I am home in Manhattan. One recent Sunday morning, at around 9am, my wife got a call from her sister saying that she was taking the car to Costco and do some shopping, and invited my wife to join her. As we don't have a car, and this was a rare opportunity to do do bulk shopping, my wife said ok, and left me a nice note saying that she was going to Costco with her sister (I was still asleep). They ended up going to a couple of other stores, and she got home at 2:30 pm. Later that day, I told my wife that I was disappointed that she had gone out for so many hours without checking with me, because I was hoping that she and I would spend the day together. I told her that I really look forward to our weekends together and asked that, in the future, could she please just check with me before going out or making plans for several hours during our weekends together. I told her that I wasn't mad, just disappointed, and that, had she checked with me, I almost certainly would have understood and not objected, but I would just appreciate being consulted in the future. My wife however took great offense to my suggestion, saying that she shouldn't have to ask my permission to go shopping with her sister. She says that I am being totally unreasonable, and overly sensitive, and she has no intention of doing anything differently in the future. She feels that she wrote me a nice note, with hearts and smileys on it, and that was sufficient communication. She does not believe that, in the future, she should have to wake me and ask how I feel about it. I told her that makes me feel hurt because it seems that she doesn't care about my wishes. I told her that the only reason I feel the way I do is because I love her and treasure our time together, and that I'd hope that she respects my wishes. She says absolutely not, because she'd then be giving in to an unreasonable demand on my part, which suffocates her freedom. She feels that she went shopping for the two of us, and cooked me a nice meal that night (which she did) and that it is totally ridiculous of me to say that I was disappointed or felt hurt. She feels that I should be stronger emotionally, and not so needy. I, on the other hand, don't feel that I am being needy, but simply asking for a reasonable courtesy from my life partner-- a courtesy which I'm happy to show her in return, because I think that's how healthy relationships should work. She strongly disagrees and told me that if I asked ten people, all ten would agree with her. But I don't want to hang my dirty laundry for my family and friends, so I decided to post here instead, and hope that some of you may weigh in with opinions or advice. Thank you.
 

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i do know how you feel. I also see her point too. Did you and her plan anything for that day, and she blew you off? of was it all unsaid, and you just had a vague feeling that the 2 of you would spend the day together? I am leaning a little toward your wife's point of view.

Well, this is 2014, not 1910. You can not expect ma to be on the farm picking up the eggs laid when you get up! She, having one of those horseless carriages available, might be somewhere else! Next time plan a day ahead!
 
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Before giving an opionion here, I'd like some more details.

Why do you go to Jersey to see your son instead of him coming to NY to stay with you?

Where do you stay on the weekends when you see your son?

How old is your son?

How long have you and your wife been married?
 

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" I almost certainly would have understood and not objected, but I would just appreciate being consulted in the future."

sooo..if you wouldn't have objected, and that day would be exactly the same, what did you want her to do differently? wake you up, and say bye?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Response to elegirl. And murphy5

We had no specific plans for the day.

I go to him, and stay at his mom's house with him (she stays at a friend's) because he always has activities such as baseball, choir, etc., which I need to shuttle him to. my son is 15 y/o, and my wife and I have been married about a year.
 

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Do you take the car on your trips to Jersey? If so, leave it with her on those weekends so she can hit the Costco without taking up your time together.

Does your wife work full time? If so, weekend grocery shopping is probably a necessity and a huge time suck for anyone...with or without a vehicle.

Ask your wife to wake you up at 7AM from now on during your weekends together so you can plan each day and determine how to get chores done and still make room for couple time.
 

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I go to him, and stay at his mom's house with him (she stays at a friend's) because he always has activities such as baseball, choir, etc., which I need to shuttle him to. my son is 15 y/o, and my wife and I have been married about a year.
Wow, your wife is a very understanding and trusting woman. On second thought, my suggestion is to buy her a car and her own Costco membership.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
To clarify, we don't have a car. I take the train, and then use my older son's car ( he's away at college) while in N.j. That's why the opportunity to go to costco with a car is a rare opportunity that she wanted to rake advantage of.
 

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Did your wife know about this every other weekend in New Jersey thing when she married you?

Does she ever go with you to NJ for these visits? If so why not?
 

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Hi Mate,
This Could be her way of showing you how she feels about you going away every other weekend. I don't think it was unreasonable because your day together was pulled from under you and to speak with her about it in a nice manner I feel was the right way to approach the situation.

In saying that, she also has a point. She saw an opportunity for bulk shopping and took it, she provided for the relationship in another way. Either she is trying to make a point about your absence in some other way or she enjoys time away from you not necessarily because of YOU, just some free time.

I would test the boundaries by doing the same thing to her with a mate of yours. Just vanish for half the day and leave a nice note. Then tell her the same things she said to you and see how she reacts. If she is pissed, she was trying to make a point. If she is ok, then that is the gauge of your relationship. Make sure your vanishing act has some benefit on the relationship some how so that you don't seem selfish.

The reason I would test the boundaries like this is because it seems to be a non negotiable point with her and talk will result in an argument. Bear in mind I'm passive aggressive. Also, if its bulk shopping, could this not be done on the weekend that you are away, or could you move your weekend away to the other week?

Good luck mate
 

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Your wife goes far beyond what 99% of people (men and women) would agree with in putting up with you being away every other weekend. And now you think she should be waiting around on your weekends together, while you sleep in, to find out what you want to do.

Like you said, your weekend together are precious since you two only spend every other weekend together. Treat them like something special. Plan ahead of time…. Days ahead of time. Otherwise, if Saturday morning arrives and you two have no plans, there is no reason that either one of you cannot go out for a while.

Shopping is a huge chore that both of you are responsible for. She took the initiative to go to Costco when she had a chance. And you got to sleep in and spend some quiet time alone decompressing from the week. She was home by 2:30. That’s plenty early for you two to have a great evening either at home together or out on the town.

Now you both should tell the other when you are going out. Your wife did that. She left you a nice note. Beyond that, as far as she knew your plan was to just sleep in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Hi-- the NJ situation is not an issue. I've been doing this since I met my current wife. My ex-wife has a boyfriend, and does not stay there when I do. We all agree that the arrangement works best for all concerned, because of my son's activities. Other options are to Live to N.j, which my wife doesn't want to do, or rent a hotel every weekend, which is prohibitively expensive. My wife doesn't want to come to NJ with me on my weekend visits, and she enjoys having the time to herself, and dealing with stuff in her life. Occasionally, when my son has no activities, he comes to the city, and my wife and I find plenty of opportunities to all be together with my son. It all works out very well, and is agreeable to everyone. It's just temporary-- In a couple of years, he'll be off to college, and we will no longer have to go through this. But for now, it's agreeable to everyone as the best option under the circumstances.
 

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I think you were a bit needy and weak.
However I don't think your wife's response to you was in any way appropriate. Marriage is not a war. It's like she's trying to defend midway island.
 
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