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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Has anyone else experienced this? It's clear the marriage is over, the infidelity has been admitted to by the walk away wife, any yet she still maintains that your actions are the reason she cheated?

I understand denial, that is a normal human reaction. The scary part of all this is that you can see in her eyes that she truly belives it. You also can tell it's not all of her thoughts and feelings, but something she has probably been told by her support group. If the reasons she gave truly had any merit, you would have thought they would have been brought-up earlier, right?

I thought maybe after things were in the open, there might be some honesty. Then again, expecting any honesty after being cheated-on is probably a pretty silly expectation.

The problem this presents is that you really can't have a real discussion about the current state of affairs. (no pun intended)

#frustrating #are you kidding me #i need a jack and coke
 

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Just went through it. In fact the first one she blames 100% on me and this most recent 1 (which is continuing) is only partially my fault :)
 

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I said this to mine after he rewrote our entire relationship

"No matter how unhappy you were...I want you to know that for this action, for what your doing right now. YOU and ONLY YOU
are 100 percent responsible. It's your sin-not mine."

People with integrity turn around and work on their relationships not stick their happy bits into another person.

Let it wash over you.

They have to rewrite history to cope with the fact that they are immoral and adulterers.... it's an unseen script they unwillingly all learn and recite. Coping mechanism is too blameshift.
 

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Everything my STBX ever did was my fault, too. He is also the secretive type and has some other faults that drove me away. I never found out, but wouldn't be surprised to learn he was/is having an affair. Ya know what? I don't care. I just want out. I've let it go. Just do the 180 and walk away. It is very freeing.
 

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The sad thing is I let her get away with her rewriting of history because I was so desperate for her to stay and work on things. I was a gentleman till the end...
 

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While she might be rewriting history, I doubt that she was happy and then one day decided to cheat. She vry likely had needs that were not met for a very long time.

What things did she say she was not happy with befor this?

What was your sex life like?

How much time did the two of you spend a week doing date-like things.. just the two of you?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks for the responses. The beauty of the 180 is that you know pretty quickly where you stand. In my case, this is a blessing in disguse. I know it's not so easy for others. There is something quite calming about being a gentleman or lady throughout, despite the venom you may be facing. You can only control how you feel or react. Cling to your friends, your faith or whatever helps you get through the night. Know that better days are ahead...
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Good questions EleGirl. We had financial issues that influenced the resentment I'm sure she felt. Sex life was very good when we had it, but she absolutely held it over my head. Never, ever initiated, told me her lack of interest wasn't my fault. She just wasn't an affectionate person. Constantly told me it was her, not me. Sex life/frequency was an enormous issue for us.

My greatest regret was that I could not buy her things, take her out, etc... It's a long story, but we struggled for a long time. But, I always paid her attention, gave compliments, tried to be romantic. However, as long as I'm being truthful, I never really received the attention/affection that would encourage me to reciprocate.
 

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Everything we do, we must justify to ourselves. That includes all the evil things we do. Of course, she had to convince herself that her adultery was justified. To do otherwise would be to admit that she's evil and almost nobody does that. If she wants to paint you as the bad guy, what difference does it make? She's outta there and if she wants to believe she's the penguin princess, and you're the son of Satan, it doesn't change reality.
 

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While she might be rewriting history, I doubt that she was happy and then one day decided to cheat. She vry likely had needs that were not met for a very long time.

What things did she say she was not happy with befor this?

What was your sex life like?

How much time did the two of you spend a week doing date-like things.. just the two of you?
Ele, was this question for me or George. If me... she never told me anything before the first one (I found out about years later and then was told what I didn't provide). The second one just happened while we were in what I thought was our reconciliation year and she is with him now :)

It's a long story... but suffice to say we/she married too young. She is not proud of her actions but she also thought that passion was missing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I guess the hardest thing to get past is that she never once said, "we need to talk" or "I'm not happy". Just the revelation of the infidelity, followed by a now-stranger telling you why you were the reason she had no choice but to cheat.
 

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Good questions EleGirl. We had financial issues that influenced the resentment I'm sure she felt. Sex life was very good when we had it, but she absolutely held it over my head. Never, ever initiated, told me her lack of interest wasn't my fault. She just wasn't an affectionate person. Constantly told me it was her, not me. Sex life/frequency was an enormous issue for us.

My greatest regret was that I could not buy her things, take her out, etc... It's a long story, but we struggled for a long time. But, I always paid her attention, gave compliments, tried to be romantic. However, as long as I'm being truthful, I never really received the attention/affection that would encourage me to reciprocate.
I know it's a complicated topic. Which came first and what led to what.

A happy woman does not avoid sex with her husband. So then there can be a lot of followon questions. For example were her expections unreasonable?

About time together. It does not cost a lot to spend time together... date-like things does not mean dinner dates and lots of money all the time. I can mean walks together several times a week, holding hands, talking. It can been having coffee at home and and conversing about everyting under the sun for a few hours.

Often times couples forget the simple things.

She might be blaming you for things that she owns 50% of and in that way she is re-writing history. But it does sound like she was not happy for some time. You were not either. And neither of you knew what to do to get back on track... maybe nothing would have worked.
 

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I guess the hardest thing to get past is that she never once said, "we need to talk" or "I'm not happy". Just the revelation of the infidelity, followed by a now-stranger telling you why you were the reason she had no choice but to cheat.
This is what gets me too. So many people do not say anything. They expect their spouse to guess based on their actions, moods, etc.

Did you ever tell her how unhappy you were?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I thought we were a team, knowing that better days were just around the corner. She also had some emotional issues, which played a large part in our problems. Years of counseling, before and during the marriage... Mostly Daddy issues. Always supported her, but we did have an age-gap that may have contributed. (ten years)

Like I said, this was a blessing. We have two kids together, but better now than ten years down the road...

When I found about abou the infidelity, I went to IC to see if my expectations were out of line. She did not think they were, and attributed most of her actions to pre-existing issues. (daddy)

I'm not blameless, please don't misundertand me. I'm just saying my faults were not deserving of what we are going through now...
 
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