Review of Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness Program

Today is Monday 6/6/2011. I just signed up for the CD’s based on the postings in this Blog. Thank you all for helping all the people with your support and comments. I hope I can find the same solace in this that others have; but I worry that I’m not a strong enough person.

I have been crying and angry and depressed for 2 days now since my wife of 15 years told me that she has become emotionally invested in another man. She tells me the feelings that she has for this person are real and that she doesn’t want to hurt me or the children, but she needs things between us to change. She says that she is willing to work on this together. I found Mort’s program because I need to find a way to look into myself and fix the broken patterns of my relationship. I’m hoping we will stick with it.

Here is our story. We have 3 children, one an early teen and two approaching the teen years. I lost my job nearly 4 years ago and have been building a business out of my home for the past 3+ years. Financially it has been very difficult, but we’re very close to making it all work. There are issues of debt that still will need to be addressed and certainly savings for the future as it has taken all of our savings to avoid having to sell the house. This has helped bring quite a bit of stress to our lives and we’ve grown distant with each other. I have always thought that things were relatively amicable between us. Sure we’ve had our share of disagreements, but we always seemed to resolve them. As I look at the situation, we haven’t been terribly kind or thoughtful in the ways we approached each other as of late, but I chalked it up to the financial stresses we’ve been under. My wife works a the local elementary school where two of my children still attend and is your typical soccer Mom. She volunteered to be the team manager for all 3 of my children’s teams and does a very good job of it. It has become her favorite hobby/pastime. She has seemed to never get enough of it. On Saturday she announced to me that the person she is emotionally attached to is my daughter’s soccer coach (who is also married). He has returned the emotion and advances from my wife. She had always joked that she liked him and thought he was sexy; I never saw it coming! The pain is unbearable!

For the past two days we have been trying to improve communication and work through some glaring issues the best we can, but we need more help. I am trying to work past her relationship with him. She has told me that she will give up the soccer responsibilities and the constant communications with this man – no phone calls and no texting – to work on our marriage. She has told me that she will no longer go to practices and be there near him. But she believes that moving my daughter to another team or club would be disastrous for the child and that we can still have this man be her coach without issues. I don’t know if I can ever get comfortable with that. And I fear that the biggest obstacle we face will be trust issues going forward. Am I wrong, but isn’t trust really the basis for sound relationships? Can people really work through major trust issues when trust has been so badly broken?

Monday 6/13/2011 and things have really been up and down for the past week. We haven’t received our package from Mort yet, but expect to get it when we return from our extended travels. In the mean time, I’ve been listening to some of his recordings on the web and reading some of his writings. The pain is still with me and has been since my wife told me that she has emotions for another man. At times it is unbearable – tears, general feeling of sick, inability to eat, inability to sleep, nothing good. I’ve not seen anything from him about how to deal with that; just put your trouble behind you. Much harder to do than to say!

We had a “date” night on Tuesday and had a really nice time. Wednesday was good and things seemed to be going along – still talking and trying to make sense of all this. On Thursday we all left for an extended family vacation; my wife and three kids and me. The long drive that day was full of conversation, some good and some bad. We tried to table our problems without much success. After checking into the Hotel, my wife and kids went to the pool, I went in search of a wifi location as I wasn’t able to hook-up from the room. I walked into the pool area and there was my wife on the phone with the soccer coach again. No remorse, no excuses. Things escalated to the discussion on divorce/separation and separation/divorce. The kids were dragged into it at this point. Shame on us! We went to the airport the next day in Chicago to send my wife back home and I would travel on with the kids to their Grandmother’s. At the airport we couldn’t find a flight on short notice and had a lengthy discussion over the right thing to do. Long story short we ALL traveled on to our destination. Lots of heavy and unhappy discussion pursued for the next couple of days.

Then an epiphany for me! Reading Mort’s emails, it became clear to me that I was very much the problem. I lost my way. We started out wanting each other to grow and mature. We started to have a family. Somewhere along the line my attention was more on the kids and my work than was on my wife. I stopped learning about her, cherishing her, and I just figured that she would always be there. Guess what? I was wrong. She is a person that needs lots of friends and lots of attention. I am a person that doesn’t; I am quite self sufficient and expect that everyone else should be. I neglected my wife, I was critical of her, I rejected her, I was often short with her (she just saw that as me being angry with her), I was blind to her needs, I took her for granted. Shame on me! Now I’m trying to focus on my growth and my missing tools and making her the center of attention.

This is not to say that I am all to blame, my wife bears some culpability in all this as well. She gave up trying to communicate with me. She lost faith in me and she stopped trying to be my friend. The soccer coach is still and A**Hole and I have no respect for the cad, but I can’t do anything about it without hurting my child or my wife’s wishes. Oh, how I’d like revenge and vindication, but it will have to be at the hands of another.

Can’t wait for Mort’s stuff. We may need to have a neighbor send it to us as it didn’t arrive before we left.

risingphoenix said:

So, what is his advice for DEALING with the pain, the betrayal, the mistrust? That's what I need help with. Reconnection is good and all, but let's be realistic. Trying to recover from all the damage an affair does requires more than touch charges, talk charges, and date nights. None of that is going to help me reestablish trust, ease the pain of the betrayal, or erase the fact that my husband stepped out on me while our marriage was good and I was the supportive wife, dutifully raising our child and caring for our home-all the while waiting for him to connect with me.

And I know more than a few couples that are happily married and together as a result of an affair. My mother cheated on my father with his childhood best friend. The friend and my mom just celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary. My uncle and his current wife were cheating on their spouses, they left them, and now have three kids together and have been married to each other for over 10 years. "Affairs don't last"...yeah, right.

If that's the kind of stuff he's selling, I ain't buying.

Click to expand...

That is where I am...dealing with the affair. I think my husband has had more than one, but he will not admit or deny any of it. He is my best friend of 21 years, and husband of 10. We did not meet under the best circumstances, all those years ago. We were both married to other people, but our marriages to our spouses were already on the rocks.

We lived together for 11 years before we got married, we had a 7 year old daughter together. To give you an idea of timeline, our daughter is now 18. During the years before we married, my 'husband' would spend 2, 3, 4 days away, and come home...with no explanation about where he had been or what he had done. He would say it was none of my business because we weren't married. I was so frightened and scared about being on my own I tolerated it because I had no job, no money...and our daughter to take care of. He provided a roof over our heads and groceries in the cabinet. The years wore on....and when our daughter turned 7, she asked me why my last name was different than hers. Well, that started the beginning of the really bad stuff between me and her dad. Her dad and I went to the courthouse and got married.

As his wife I started demanding to know about these absences. After we married, he didn't do it as much. It turned from being gone several days, to a very late nite, or one over night. When I would ask him about it, he always seemed to have a plausible explanation. I never followed up though to see if he was telling me the truth, because I didn't want to find out if he had cheated. I preferred to live in ignorance and strife.

In 2006, it finally smacked me in the face and I couldn't deny it any longer. Buy this time, our daughter was now 14. My husband's father had passed away, and I insisted his mother live with us who was suffering from Alzheimers. I do not have to tell you who 95% of her care fell to. I worked all day at my stressful job, came home to take care of his mother, give her her meds, feed her, clean her, and put her to bed. My weekends were non existent, the mother/daughter Saturdays I used to spend with our daughter stopped.

On the Saturday before Mother's day, my husband was out on a martial arts tournament weekend. These happened one a month, always within the state. He would drive to where ever it was, and come right back. But the last couple of months they turned into 1 and 2 night trips. I suspected. I went to our business that he ran, to get a little cash I knew he kept stashed there as I needed to grocery shop. I went in, and found flowers there...daisys, a bouquet laying on a counter. I broke in half. Life went on, and I still did not confront him. The following September, I was putting away his socks in the sock drawer, and something made me check the box of condoms he kept there. I knew it should almost be full. No, there was only two there, and one was a brand that did not belong to the box. Still, I did not confront him. By this time the martial arts season was done.

I finally confronted him on Christmas night. He would not admit or deny. And that is how we have been living life. He has said he was sorry he hurt me and would never do it again. I have been getting Mort's emails and have been reading them with great interest. Forgetting about the problems and moving on seems like a terrific idea. My husband moved out New Years eve, and we are both struggling financially. However, as I visit my husband at our business and we go on weekly dates, I can't forget the affair he won't admit to. I have no problem touching my husband, talking with him...he laps it up like water. I get big bear hugs from him in return, and he tells me how much he misses me. I miss him. But damn it...all the infidelity...all those years ago.

They say love is a crazy thing. I have no doubt we love each other. I can't get past it. I am sure he would love to live with me again and act like nothing happened. I am the one who can't do it. I have not looked at another man or considered one. After the failure of my first marriage, I made a commitment to myself I would never do that again. If I married again, it would be for life. So for now we are in limbo. He lives 20 miles away in a little three room apartment he shares with his disabled brother. I live in a big two income house struggling along on one income. We can come together and talk, have fun, eat out...do things together. But to have an intimate life under the same roof? I throw up a brick wall. I hope Mort's stuff can help. Right now it is only the emails. I have no money for anything else. Per one of Mort's suggestions, I have tried giving my husband things...since money is scarce for me, I have to be creative. One thing I bring him on these hot days after a long day of work is a large container of iced water, with slices of lemon in it. He loves it. I got a jar of his favorite jam...seedless blackberry. He didn't know what to say. And occasional touch, a simple kiss.

But in the back of my mind it is always there. "You cheated on me...you cheated on me..." It is eating me alive.

I realize it's been a long while since any of you have posted, but I'm hoping you see this. I googled Marriage Fitness and found this forum. Ok, here goes my story.

I have been married for almost 5 years. 1st and only Marriage. I loved once before and got crushed. Husband was married fresh out of high school at 19. Had his daughter at 21 and rasied his ex-wife's two boys. 6 months or so after he divorced, we met. I had just gotten out of a terrible relationship of one yr. He consoled me and made me feel good about myself. We helped each other become whole again.

We have fought a LOT. At first it was me trying to adjust to a settled calm life with new 7 yr old soon to be step-daughter. I am to blame for most of that back then. I didn't know how to share my husband with his little girl. We got thru it and I became a wife and mother. My husband had some trust issues from his first marriage. She cheated and lied most of their marriage but, he stuck it out for his daughter until he called her bluff on a "break" and filed for divorce. So, I understood the trust issues with him and I reassured him as much as possible. I adjusted to the family life and I completely trusted him. I felt safe. After a year, most of our fights were only stupid little disagreements here and there and about money and the usual. No big deal, right?

We bought a house closer to the Air Force base(he's in the USAF) and things got a little tough again. Sept. 2010 he had to go to a 6 week school in Biloxi. I knew I'd miss him but, I was also looking forward to being on my own with my step-daughter and having the freedom to do what I want when I want. Plus, I knew I could trust him. No worries. I went to see him that first weekend aafter he'd gotten there. I It was great. Hated to leave him to go back home. A week or two went by where he would call before class and as soon as he got out of class, texting in between. Always telling me how lonely it was and how much he missed us. . Then he started to seem to busy for me. Was drinking every night and going to the casinos. I didn't think much of it and figured he'd never gotten the chance to have no responsibilities because he got married and had a kid.

He'd tell me how the few girls there were ****s and how one of them screwed their instructor and a classmate and how gross that was. I flew down for his graduation at the end of the six weeks as planned. I could tell he really didn't care for me to come anymore. Even said I'd be bored because I didn't know these friends he bonded with. That didn't make sense to me. After grad. at a casino there, he was wasted and disappeared for an hour. I ignored it and we had fun. Drove home the next day and things were weird. Hiding his phone. Texting constantly telling me he'd made these friends and blah blah blah. I accused and tried to believe it was nothing bad while fighting constantly because of it. I wised up after a week and checked the numbers he was texting on my phone account. Figured out it was the **** he'd spoke about. Called him out and he flipped it on me all the while he was making feel crazy for suspecting. Said they were friends and she was like hanging with a guy. I told him if he continued that, I was gone. I caught him again soon after and the hurt and pain went on and on and on. Multiple secret emails. Facebook messages. He cheated on me emotionally at the very least. I kept catching him talking to her again. Said I was crazy for checking up on him and It was my fault. I caught him yet again and left ready for a divorce. Finally, he said I was right and realized he'd made an emotional connection with her. Talking to her rather than me and that its was ruining us.

All of the sudden, he wants to fly to CA to see his mother without me and that it should be fine by me even tho, he hadnt had a good relationship with her before and was terrified to fly. We fought about that for a month before he decided he was going. Said he needed time to clear his head about everything. So, there again, I'm at home taking care of his daughter except for every other weekend when her Mom has her. Nothing made sense while he was there but I had to let it go. Two months later I find a picture of him and the girl in CA. He said she happened to be coming thru there the same time. Told his Mom she was a friend. He cried and said he'd do anything if I stayed.

Ok, so now we haved moved to another base. We are fighting constantly. He has started questioning me about everything, but I haven't given him a reason to not trust me. We are on the verge of a divorce. He says I don't like him anymore. May love him but don't like him. We are constantly clashing and this is out last leg.

How do I save my marriage? I need my family. My step-daughter would be devistated, also.
He is willing to try anything before we end it with regret. I have tried letting anything that upsets me go and changing the way I say things and so on. I don't think I can do it anymore. I start noticing things he says or does to me that he gets all over me about when I do it to him, but he can't understand that.

Help, please. I don't know what the right answer is. Is div. the right thing to do?
Is there no hope?
How do I completely let go of how he broke my heart before with that girll that he may have slept with but would take a bullet before he admitted it.
Should I order this program I can't afford?
Does it work?

I am sorry for the long detailed story. lI am frantic trying to figure out what is right? I would appreciate anyones advice here.

So I've read all of these and feel like i'm reading my life with the tears welling up. I have been married for 10 years. He's the only person I've ever been with. We have 2 children aged 6 and 1. My daughter was about 5 mos old when I felt the distance, after a business trip he took with a coworker of his who also had a child just shy of 5 mos old. They would play hookie for work and going skiing together. I wondered what kind of mother she was travelling and going out after work till all hours of the night and so on. I chalked a lot of issues up to the first year with a baby is always hard. He had a hard time with my son. It'll get better once she's a year old. I don't even remember how the conversation started but he came out and said he felt distant, disconnected but not ready to give up - wants to make this work, when I mentioned my discomfort with his relationship with his coworker he told me I'd have to get use to it - they work together - they are the future of the company and she is a part of his life, I felt he could work with her and at times they would need to travel together but did they need to do so much outside of the office - including playing games through their phones and constantly texting in addition to skiing together at night and going out drinking together after work- this was back in Feb. So I made the effort - hired the babysitter to do a date night - where he would sit there sullen and quiet and disinterested in being there, I even changed jobs that was less stressful - and feels like a step down from my career for my family. He tried to push me into being friends with her, in May I was frustrated - he was distant - I couldn't remember the last time he told me he loved me, let alone hug, or a kiss that was more than a peck, but he did want to continue sexual intimicy and pushed back at me if I wasn't interested, finally in may I tried forcing him to talk to me - threatened to move out if he didn't. I heard the "there is no spark" I don't want to be in a marriage with no spark, I don't think we should feel we need to stay together just because of the kids, its not fair to us or them and he feels guilty about how he's treating me etc, in later arguments he said his life is "not perfect and should be" that he's had issues for years but thought it was work so he changed jobs and since he still has issues it must be me and our marriage. In the meantime he continued to text and play games and go baby clothes shopping and they texted photos of their children to each other. But I'm the crazy one accusing him of having some sort of affair - whether or not its physical or emotional, in the midst of this he decided without discussing with me to get a vasectomy - my role was to take him there and pick him up. But there was no real discussing it. In a later argument I was told yeah 2 kids suck (not that they suck to clarify - but not what he intended in his life) He said he was happy with none and that was my fault (although he never really argued against it or trying - wasn't like I sneaked it in) He also proceeded to blame me for the vasectomy. Told me I was acting like a douche for being upset by things and I also play a role in our problems. In some sense I do - I have abandonment issues from losing one parent at age 14 and another moving out of the country at 17. So the wall starting coming back up. He refuses counselling - I tried to read his needs her needs with him - he basically said the writer was an "a**" - his comment for avoiding things. He even says he's an a**. When he gets caught on things - he says he's sorry, he'll try harder and then continues to do what he wants thinking he's being less obvious. He got caught in a lie and told me I pushed him to it, anything related to her he feels he needs to lie about. When that put me over the edge and broken any trust I had - he put that on me. He's tried to blame me for not initiating sexual advances accusing me of having an affair - I tried explaining that my sleeping with him without any other intimicy, respect, or even an I love you I feel like I might as well be someone that sleeps around with anyone randomly. Again I get the I don't want you to feel that way and I'm sorry I know I'm distant I don't know what's wrong with me, but stop pushing me away. And yet he still continues to play his games with her, is constantly on his work computer ignoring me, but I'm suppose to stop everything in my life to cater to his needs when he wants/needs them.

How am I suppose to keep doing this when I feel like my feelings aren't being respected - when you point blank tell them what bothers you and they point blank continue doing it and just pretend or lie to you about continuing it. How can I believe anything he says when he blatantly lies to me. How am I suppose to fix something like this by myself. I've considered the Mort Tele boot camp - I received the emails for 3 mos - I tried to do some of the stuff - but felt how much of this can I keep doing with not even a thank you or an I love you. One I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep continuing like this as well as I feel like I have a lot more respect for myself to keep letting someone treat me this way. I don't want my children to be in a marriage like this - it's not ok, and so I don't want them to see this is how it is. At the same time I love him (sometimes I wonder why) But he wasn't always this way and I want to get back to what we were like before, but how do I go back. I resent him making me feel this way after everything I've given up. Sorry this is so long - I guess I needed some outlet of release. I really want to know if I spend the $400 (as this is my bday gift to me) does it really teach me how to get past my issues to fix things. I already feel like it's over - so if the marriage is unsalvagable then it is - but I don't want to quit without trying something - but I don't want to waste my money if it's not worth it. So for those who posted - please tell me if it worked and if not what did or if nothing worked. I just need to know what I'm up against and if its worth it.

I was in a position where I really didn't think things could get any worse with my marriage. Things were awful. Though my experience was not as traumatic as some of the stories here, at the time it felt like every day I was just sinking deeper and deeper into a pit of depression.

My husband and I were dealing with serious trust issues in the wake of infidelity. He cheated, than I cheated, the trust was broken, and even when I went to a therapist to seek help, my husband came once and then refused to ever go back there. I felt guilty but also angry and it just seemed like because I'd done something wrong too I couldn't make him ever love me again. It just felt so hopeless. I'd have to say it was the darkest period of my life. This was about a year ago and since then things have improved alot. Though regular therapy wasn't a good fit for us, I started with the Lone Wolf track of mort's program and slowly started to turn things around.

He says it can take two years to truly return to normal or to decide to separate for good so I've still got a ways to go. But, the good news is it feels like we are on the upswing.

Despite all the hurt and lies and misery, we ultimately decided that marriage is worth putting in effort. It's not easy. It's never going to be easy. We might even mess things up again tomorrow - who knows - but the point is today, we are trying.

I just wanted to mention my story because reading my journal from a few years ago, I never thought my marriage would turn out ok. I never though I could be a "success story". So if people are feeling really low and think their marriage is done for, it might not be. There could be a chance for better days again.