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RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the most

22K views 56 replies 16 participants last post by  phantomfan 
#1 ·
Do you have unresolved Resentment in your life >>>> Resentment Test


...........Resentment: The Biggest Relationship Killer..........

Resentment often functions in a downward spiral. Resentful feelings cut off communication between the resentful person & their spouse who they feel wronged them, which often results in future miscommunications & the development of further building of a resentment wall. Because of the consequences they carry, resentful feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. Resentment is an obstacle to the restoration of equal moral relations among persons, and must be handled and expunged via introspection and forgiveness.

MOST COMMON ISSUES FACED BY COUPLES:
“Not Tonight Dear” Why Couples Stop Having Sex (and what you can do about it)

1. Anger and resentment in the relationship
2. Mediocre or boring sex
3. Issues with initiating sex
4. Failure to make sex a priority
5. Excessive masturbation to pornography
6. Failure to attend to personal hygiene or appearance
7. Failure to address sexual dysfunction
8. Forgetting that foreplay starts long before the bedroom
3 Steps to release yourself from Resentment

If you are dealing with Resentment that is stealing from your marraige, taking a direct hit on your sex drive, please share your story... (mine to follow shortly)....
 
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#2 ·
Our story of discovery....and Overcoming.....

Me & my husband have always had a wonderful marraige ....or so I thought. I was blindsided to learn 3 yrs ago, he was silently suffering over wanting more SEX...for yrs....(He says he was happy about everything else....his words "we had the kids")... he never once started a fight with me, never sat me down, only asked for a Hand job once in 19 yrs (he told me later how difficult it was to even ask me... I remember that morning even) ......but yet resentment was slowly festering under the surface. How could I be that clueless!@#$%^&*. Our frequency -at least once a week without fail, I needed it that much & I did initiate over the years... I did not understand the urgency of the male sex drive (like many young women).

We were closer than most, did EVERYTHING together, the affection was there on his part, near every night I lay my head on his lap, we'd watch movies together, he happily ran his fingers through my hair, scratched my back. Who would think he was not a happy guy! :confused:

There will always be some issues to lead up to these things...our "monkey wrenches" were...we never openly talked about our sexual needs/ desires... too taboo/ embarrassment -- looking back- this should have been overcome early on...the gravest of our mistakes .....I was Repressed more than the average woman & he was more Passive than your average man ....a very bad mix for unexperienced uneducated Lovers...


Add to this yrs of trying to conceive...I had many worries on my mind.... the "scheduled sex" was hard on him.... this started the telling him to "wait" / rejecting on my part...so it began....him putting himself down for me......then TOO many babies in a short span of time... I was overwhelmed with Thankfulness..... I was cuddling them in bed , one after the other..... DUMB:banghead: DUMB :banghead: DUMB :banghead:, he never said a word ! .....but as he lay there, he silently wanted me to feel the pain he was feeling very strongly, wanting more affection, more holding, more making love.

To his credit.... He did try to talk to me once.... stupidly I took what he said in a different context, the heart of his words being lost to me.... I can't believe I was so dumb, a misunderstanding, he didn't revisit that conversation and here is where he started feeling less loved.

We've learned from our mistakes, I haven't met a couple yet who have missed each other as pathetically as we did... I was thinking his sex drive was low.... He was thinking mine was ! Here I took matters into my own hands many nights after he fell asleep feeling he wouldn't want woke up (this was much too taboo to talk about -YIKES!)... and he never masterbated --but waited for me! We were both shocked -when we finally learned of these things -me opening up the dialog -3 yrs ago!!

How could this have happened to us!?@#$%^&

So Resentment stole something very very precious from us..... it stole my husband's creativity, his passion, some of his most vibrant yrs, it even took a hit on his sex drive for me towards the end.....never enough for him to reject me though- he wanted too! ....I do recall some hesitation on his part....but he was jumping inside every time I came for him saying "come on baby, I need you" ....another reason I was oblivious to what was boiling under the surface. Amazingly, even in the midst of all of this ....we still felt the emotional connection very strongly when we were together.... I don't think that was ever lost.

Coming into my sex drive with a vengenge... Saved us, set us on a new path ... blasted all of this wide open- once & for all....We both see our parts in the breakdown and have forgiven each other...from the heart. :)
 
#3 ·
I can certainly feel the resentment building.

Like your husband, I am pretty passive (sometimes passive-aggressive unfortunately). As you know her sex drive went to pretty much zero about 7-8 years ago. I attributed a lot of it to having 3 young children, me losing my job at the time, moving back to the area, etc. I figured it would eventually come back.

It hasn't. I have been VERY vocal about my needs/desires and it just doesn't seem to sink in. I always got a little moody/depressive about it but now I feel anger sinking in and it is affecting things outside of the bedroom.

I have always been proud to have her as my wife. She is a great wife and mother but now I can feel anger seeping into unrelated stupid things that I would have blown off and I really don't like it.

I also now find myself craving the attention of other women that I never really did before. Sure, it is always nice for someone to notice you but now it is almost like I need it... :(

And for those of you women reading this, no I am no saint and I am sure I have much to do with it. I have low self-esteem already (which is a turn-off, I know) and I can tend to be a bit depressive (which can be a drain for her to deal with). However, I am also pretty easy going and strive to be a good husband and father...
 
#5 ·
That is where I have a bit of a different problem. My wife shuns my physical touch (other than hello/gnight hugs/kisses and occasionally holding hands). So any other type of touch she takes as me wanting sex (which, of course, would be nice).

And I make matters worse by groping all the time... :(
 
#6 · (Edited)
You know, I've said and I think it's very true. Everything men do from pre puberty onwards centers around getting laid. Here's what I mean.

A man isn't going to get laid if he doesn't have a job, treat women right, be a father, romance women, is dependable, responsible, etc. it's biology driving us to be the best we can be to attract a mate. Ladies fall in love with us as men, then they seem to be unsatisfied once the ring goes on the finger. Guess men in captivity aren't as desirable :-/
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#33 ·
A man isn't going to get laid if he doesn't have a job, treat women right, be a father, romance women, is dependable, responsible, etc. it's biology driving us to be the best we can be to attract a mate. Ladies fall in love with us as men, then they seem to be unsatisfied once the ring goes on the finger. Guess men in captivity aren't as desirable :-/
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I can see why a HD man would feel that way, but I think a lot of women who are HD would argue with you. I would absolutely love to have sex with my husband even once or twice a week. But as it is it has been 8 times in 2 years.
It doesn't matter if I initiate or not. He always has an excuse of one kind or another, but it ends up with nada.

My resentment started growing after year 3 when he seemed like he just kept me around to clean and do laundry. I have been subtle, I have been pushy, I have pleaded, I have walked out of the bedroom naked in the middle of they day. All to no avail. What else is a girl to think?
 
#7 ·
it seems that resentment is provoked when partners don't value things equally.

At one time I resented my husband because he does not consistently remember to do chores. I have to remind him. Plus I have more responsibility for keeping up with the family calender. It takes a lot of mental energy to remember everything.

I had an epiphany of sorts. Since he always does what I ask and he is not purposely forgetting, I no longer waste time resenting him for this.

I consider it minor and a part of accepting him as a person. He does not do it on purpose, he just he just cannot keep a bunch of things in his head like i can.

The reason I let go was because I read that some men think in a liner ration due to the influence of testosterone on brain developement. he could take estrogen pills to become more feminine but I value his man parts too much.

I think a lot of resentment is due to a lack of awarenes and acceptance of the differences between the sexes. Things that concern one gender does not concern the other.

Also, misinterpreting things negatively with out asking is another problem I think . I told my husband about his brain :p and that I had resented himin the past but will not any more.

We both have a good sense of humor and he is not as reactive as I am so that really helps us negotiate conflict.

I also told him I will still get pissed to deal with the frustration but I will not hold it against him.

I was shocked that he actually changed and now remembers about 80% of the time.

I asked him about the change and he said that the chores are at the top of his list now because he knows that it is important to me.

What a guy.
 
#9 ·
Not taking out the trash and the need to be sexual with your spouse is not going to be the same to the needy person. Pretty sure no one has a biological need to take the trash out. Having said that, everyone's needs no matter how small should be taken care of by the other person in the relationship. Forsaking all others means you accepted responsibility for them, in return they don't go elsewhere. One can argue who forsook whom when sex/intimacy breaks down. Regardless, it needs to be taken seriously because it is!
 
#8 ·
It is often difficult to deal with differences in approach and gender differences when living in close quarters.

This may seem disconnected but I think that men who think that every problem they have in the relationship is due to feminism giving women the right to refuse to do what they don't want, women using sex to manipulate or the belief that a woman should please her man sexually even if he considers her need as unimportant.

The vitriol is said out of anger and resentment. However, what if they are wrong about the motivations? What if they assume the best and ask their wives and listen?

What if they accepted that women are different and they need to adjust their aproach to have a successful relationship.

If that is considered jumping through hoop and blaming men of course resentment ensues. But suppose these men accepted that part of being in a relationship requires adjustment to their partner?

Women have equal the amount of work to do but I am leaving them out in this post. Maybe one of the guys will tell it from their side a lot better than I can.

Hope this does not seem unfair because it is not my intent.
 
#15 ·
Your post is very timely for me.
Although we are in the dead lane and not recovering, part of the moving on process for us has been to "talk" about some of this stuff. Resentment and needs not being met has come up lately....

The interesting part of his character that he is showing now is pretty ugly.

He has huge resentments. And he has spent the past year denying me of a relationship because of it. But yet... when I turned the tables recently and stopped meeting his needs.. heck broke loose.
I am being "mean" and hurting his feelings. The conversation we had kinda echoed your OP. How things spiral and escalate. I am now resentfull because you were that way to me. Which is why I'm jumping off the train. I'm not interested in going to hell with you.
I think I even said "why should I care if you are happy if you have spent the past year dismissing my needs over and over".

I do know why he is resentful. And it made me think even less of him. Mostly because he never communicated it to me (although I heard stories through the grapevine he gossiped to).

Does it really matter to me anymore? No. I now believe that people ALLOW themselves to become resentful. It's not a natural progression. It take a choice. Just like having an affair.
 
#16 ·
deejov,

Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice? :)

Catherine602,

Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and just smack you! :) (I am being facetious of course). I hear what you say and I actually tend to agree with it. However, my wife and I have discussed her lack of desire for me ad nauseum and she claims everything is wonderful. So why don't YOU talk to her and find out what I am not meeting? :)
 
#22 ·
deejov,

Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice? :)

Catherine602,

Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and just smack you! :) (I am being facetious of course). I hear what you say and I actually tend to agree with it. However, my wife and I have discussed her lack of desire for me ad nauseum and she claims everything is wonderful. So why don't YOU talk to her and find out what I am not meeting? :)
yes, it was a choice.
 
#17 ·
frustr8, I would imagine she is lying to you. I'm sure you are aware of that. If you feel things are not good, then they probably are not. Your wife likely isn't being truthful with you on how she really feels. Watch actions more than words. I'm sure you have been, and yes I think you deserve to know WHY she feels the way she does. However, I doubt its gonna happen. She probably doesn't want to hurt you with the truth although she already with her actions.
 
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#24 · (Edited)
On a serious note - if you feel you have done everything that you can, then you have a difficult set of options to consider.

Again please don't take this as blaming you. You are here she is not.

You have to explore is she is emotionally healthy enough to maintain a marital connection.

Is she willing to work on her basic problem if that is the case. Several men have posted about wives with histories of abuse that they did not know about.

That is one thing that is rarely discussed.

The only poster I have ever read who brings this up is Conrad. But my feeling is that the poster dismisses it quickly and moves on.

I think what he is getting at is that you need to look at the person you love with a critical and open eyes. You need to really dig deep to find out who they really are.

We all find it difficult to really see the real person when it comes to someone we love.
 
#25 ·
Another thing that is only mentioned in passing is the sexual satisfaction of the woman. This would be one of the first areas that should be explored.

Usually the poster will say, I know she enjoys herself because she has an orgasm. But she lays there doing nothing and she refuses foreplay.

There is something wrong there don't you think? If your partner needed more time and foreplay when things were good she needs it now.

I think the best thing to do is to make sure that you both read up on male and female sexuality.

Asking a woman may not get a staight answer. Woman know that men are notoriously sensitive about their performance and usually don't take well to not getting the job done.

I think men who got their knowledge of female sexuality from porn or male buddies or the fact that they had 100 sex partners that were all happy are probably not a satisfactory lover.

Female sexuality is much more complex than the male. Couple that with the differences in woman anatomically and what they like, makes being a good love labor intensive at first.

The reward is worth it I think. I have read that woman who are orgasmic are much more wiling to have sex frequently and are more adventurous.
 
#26 ·
Another thing that is only mentioned in passing is the sexual satisfaction of the woman. This would be one of the first areas that should be explored.

Usually the poster will say, I know she enjoys herself because she has an orgasm. But she lays there doing nothing and she refuses foreplay.

There is something wrong there don't you think? If your partner needed more time and foreplay when things were good she needs it now.
What about those women who need foreplay but refuse to partake?

A bloke I know, he knows full well his wife needs a LOT of foreplay, because she never, ever, comes during sex (don't quote the statistics, he knows!). But she pushes away efforts to hold, stroke, kiss etc, never mind finger play or oral, and says "Let's just do it".

So basically, he's fully prepared to do whatever is necessary to make sex as satisfying as possible for her, including any kind of foreplay, and starting hours before the event, but she just wants it over and done. And she knows he's not merely prepared to, but is willing, even enthusiastic.

Riddle me this, riddle me that...:scratchhead:
Female sexuality is much more complex than the male. Couple that with the differences in woman anatomically and what they like, makes being a good love labor intensive at first.
This is like saying nuclear physics is a bit more complicated than bricklaying. But if the woman isn't prepared to help her partner learn, what then? You were prepared to let your partner lead and learn and have reaped the reward.

Any advice to husbands whose wife will NOT be led and refuse to participate in the learning process? Bearing in mind there is only so much anyone else can do to address any resentments another person might have...

The reward is worth it I think. I have read that woman who are orgasmic are much more wiling to have sex frequently and are more adventurous.
I'm sure you're right, but there seem some women out there who are determined to NOT enjoy sex. Like people who seeing others enjoying themselves doing anything, say "Well, I KNOW I wouldn't like it", without ever trying it.
 
#28 ·
SB
I am certain that what I say does not apply to every relationship but it does to some.

The fact that is doesn't describe your situation does not mean that it should not be considered.

I don't think anything I said should be considered as totally without merit.
 
#29 ·
Catherine,

I had no wisdom to offer him. I wondered if you had.

I know whatever is said her is not universally true (unless it's come from MMSL:rofl:), but there are many opinions.

As for "...I don't think anything I said should be considered as totally without merit..." I asked you precisely because what you say almost invariably does have merit. Your insight is among the most valuable here.
 
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#37 ·
We pulled our heads our of our ass, talked, yelled, cussed, and got things resolved.
I really like the way you worded this summing up your story PandaKiss ! So true, this is needed for many. It may not sound favorable.. ..with the cussing & yelling part... but conflict can get a little grueling at times, emotions flared..... It is not often that me & mine fight, but when we have an issue, I dig it up in it's entirety & we will get to the bloody heart of it, so resolution is had...and completely. And sometimes we may still slip back into old rotten thinking patterns & fight a little more another day, this is just normal. Thank God for Make up sex ! Me & mine just had some this morning.

Resentment – A Real Danger to the State of Happiness

There are so many different Resentments even .... it can be open or concealed, immediate or delayed...

Then 3 common signs of concealed resentment:

1. Distrust
2. Questioning motives
3. Bitterness

Enchantment said : Resentment is a poison - in your life, your relationship, yourself. It is a choice you make to hold onto your bitter indignation toward another for things you feel they have done to you unfairly.
Although I do agree it IS very much a choice on our parts -what to do with what is thrown at us.... or being left the crumbs in the marriage....in many cases, the injustice of what has taken place is not an easy pill to swallow.....not an easy choice by any means.

I know in my own life... unrelated to marriage in this case.... but with a female family member... Me & her did not see eye to eye on some issues.... and by all means she has the right to CHOOSE whatever she wanted to do, this is HER LIFE TO LIVE....but in that ...I also have my own choices for my life, for my immediate family.... and they may not be what she wanted of me or expected of me in response to hers.....

But in following my heart and what is best FOR ME....in determining to live my life ABOVE RESENTMENT of any sort (always a goal of mine)....certain boundaries had to be erected - to not allow myself to throw my pearls before swine to be trampled on again and again. Ya know.

Sometimes it may mean the end of a marraige...where 2 can not get past something, where one's heart is not into the marriage, or not willing to give what the other needs ( I am talking "reasonable" wants & needs here). These emotions must go somewhere, we are not set up to be willling victims every day.

Some offenses are indeed perceived , misunderstood even....TINY, like a seed...and we go on to grow a tree of hate out of it... but then some are like canons..... a breech of mistrust, ongoing rejections, the wasting of 10 yrs in a sexless marraige... Some resentments are truly monsterous ...because the offenses were !!!

I feel we need to emphasize with those struggling to choose to forgive. I don't see it as this easy going forth in any way. Not for the monsterous hurts over the years. Without the willing wanting loving validation and cooperation of the one who hurt, maimed and screams every day they don't care about our needs.... this is a mountain to climb.....one where we may never reach the top in fullfillment in such a relationship.

Speaking of Choices:

This sounds like such a good book on these issues, can view some pages here : HEALING IS A CHOICE REVISED - Stephen Arterburn - Google Books

Book here : Healing Is a Choice: 10 Decisions That Will Transform Your Life and 10 Lies That Can Prevent You From Making Them
 
#35 ·
Resentment is a poison - in your life, your relationship, yourself. It is a choice you make to hold onto your bitter indignation toward another for things you feel they have done to you unfairly.

There is an antidote - also a choice that you can give freely. And that is foregiveness - of others and of yourself.

"When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ C Ponder

You have to ask yourself why is it worth binding yourself with the chains of resentment, when you could surely be free of them. It is YOUR choice.

Choose wisely. :)
 
#38 ·
Yah, me too...cuz it's not a fairy tale, that's for sure.

It can be a real slog and very difficult at times, but if you actually put your mind to it you can find yourself making progress no matter how small...and even that small bit of progress can be ... enchanting.

Maybe you should try it. :)
 
#42 ·
Mine is way up there. It was 230 (85%) Above 210: Resentment is moving toward contempt and bitterness.
 
#44 ·
Ladybird said: Mine is way up there. It was 230 (85%) Above 210: Resentment is moving toward contempt and bitterness.
Pandakiss said: mine was 40...but i dont understand the angle of the questions though
I took that resentment test before I did this thread... just to see what it would give me, I got a whopping "3" . I didn't have my husband take it but I know it would be similar. Years ago, it would have been alot higher on his end though.... when he was hiding his feelings from me, concealing them.
 
#45 ·
Just,
Your wife has bought into the idea that because something bad was done to her she gets diplomatic immunity for life when it comes to abusing others - even those who have done naught but try to love her. That said, I don't know how you stay with someone who deceived you for two decades and doesn't really seem sorry.


OTE=JustAMan2;636214]SimplyA...

Thank you for putting into words SO well what's it's like to deal with CONTINUAL rejection!! I understand the concept of forgiveness. I really do. I've had to practice it many, many times. I've been the offender too and sought the forgiveness of another.

BUT...I don't turn around the next day with a calloused heart and re-wound that person again and again and again and again!!!! Stomping on their heart, as it were, with a pair of cowboy boots.

I just don't understand how someone can say "I love you" then wound you over and over and over again in spite of the knowledge that their behavior is doing severe damage to your heart/emotions. In spite of the knowledge that it's GOING to cause feelings of resentment SIMPLY because we are all human beings and have limits.

That is not real "love", now is it? At least it's not in my book. It's like the word "faith". It's been hijacked by our modern world. See, REAL faith, Biblical faith, is OBEDIENT FAITH. Not just a flowery word that says "I think God exists."

REAL love recognizes wounds, and does all it can to NEVER wound like that again.

But when the wounds continue, over and over and over...resentment is GOING to set in. As surely as doing without food will cause one to have feelings of hunger, so constant wounding will set up feelings of resentment.[/QUOTE]
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#47 ·
I scored.... 200. No surprise there!!
Just wanted to start my day being honest. There is no hope for me.
I'm no longer fixable. Good thing I love cats and dogs. I relate myself to that silly cable commercial. Collecting stray animals.
LOL too bad I can't just eat the cat food too. That would save me having to cook for myself.
:rofl: I could email the pet food manufactureres and ask them to put a carb count on the labels
:lol: then even diabetics could eat it.
 
#48 ·
There's always hope. You are always fixable if you choose to fix yourself. It's not an easy road for most people to take. I can be a pretty cynical person but ultimately I do know that nothing is hopeless. What may be hopeless is having things turn out exactly the way you want. What we want is often unrealistic. A broken glass can't be put back together unless you melt it down and recast it. You can take the pieces and make a beautiful mosaic.

Maybe the relationship you're in is hopeless. Being happy is not a hopeless cause, it just may be that being happy in the current relationship (what you want) is not possible. Dysfunctional relationships take two people to fix permanently. One person going in the right direction can give hope to the other person who wants to change. Dynamics are hard to change in a relationship but one person can change the game if they are strong enough.

For my situation, when I came home, my wife is completely on board. Did that make things a hell of a lot easier and helped me begin to get off the resentment train, absolutely. It sped up the process and made things 70% more tolerable. The dynamic switched from I'm gonna get you back to I'm going to be better to you. The emotional and physical support is the infectious anti-biotic of a relationship. It's the glue that keeps out resentment, minimizes hurting and gives you the strength to be there for each other in hard times.

I was going to get past the resentment for my own happiness, because that's what is most important to me. I was tired of being miserable. If Im happy and Im in a good place, eventually that will spread to the relationship. If things didn't work out the way they did, I'd have the strength to move on and be ready to.

I took the resentment test and scored an 80. I probably could have scored lower because I was on the fence on several of them. I'm still a work in progress. It seems like the majority of the questions are divided along the lines of being a victim or taking action. Im at a place where I don't want to be a victim of my circumstances anymore. I want to control what I can and learn to let go of the rest. Life is too short to waste my energy on things or people that I can't control. I can control what I allow to bother me and what I do.
 
#49 ·
PF,
I'm soo glad to hear that you are now home and working on things. That's awesome! I love to hear stories like this.

Me being down... is just me being practical. It's not just the relationship that is doomed. It changes you. And I was being honest. Getting out of this relationship doesn't make all the crap go away, it's just carried over to the next relationship since I've now taken it to a level that is "personal". It clouds your whole life. You look at everything differently.

I have to work on getting rid of it. It's giving me a headache.
 
#57 ·
I get it, I really do. Things aren't perfect for me either. I've already had a few things that happened since I got back where I didn't do what I should have. Its slightly discouraging but life is not a sprint, its a marathon. Part of my issue is I'm not quick on my feet and try to keep my german temper under control. Change is NOT easy. Bad relationships do change you, but I also know that you don't have to let them define you.

Me being a reforming nice guy, I'm having to learn that what happened to me growing up doesn't have to doom my happiness. Ultimately I'll be damned if Im not going to be the man I need to be regardless of who Im with. Its about me, not about my wife or anyone else which is a new mindset for me. I hope that you find peace and happiness. Everyone deserves it but you have to fight for it too. It usually doesn't come to you on a silver platter. :)
 
#52 ·
Resentment can build and build. Sometimes you just get to the point where, you just stop caring. My wife, is for the most part, non-sexual and I'm sexual. There lies the problem. My wife was brought up in a very christian environment and I believe that she was taught that sex was bad and you need to keep your clothes on. Well, that's what she's turned into. She has no sexual freedom. When we do have sex, it's always at night in the dark and what makes it even worse, she has a beautiful body.
 
#55 ·
My wife was brought up in a very christian environment and I believe that she was taught that sex was bad and you need to keep your clothes on. Well, that's what she's turned into. She has no sexual freedom. When we do have sex, it's always at night in the dark and what makes it even worse, she has a beautiful body.
I used to be a little prudish....husband used to joke I was a Nun on occassion to friends, best thing that ever happened to me was... loosing my religion .... All inhibitions shot to hell ... I used to want all the lights out, under the sheets, embarrassed of my body , Bjs seemed like a porn act to me...I even looked at lingerie as stripperish....The whole "good girl's don't" .... and the craziest thing about it all, I had a healthy sex drive the whole time. I still wanted it -just in the darn dark!

Being uneducated about Sex combined with some screwed up notion that pleasure is somehow dirty, it stole from our marraige, hindered sexual exploration & open expression. We didn't even talk about sex for 19 yrs of our marraige. Sounds rediculous, but it is a part of my story >>> HERE.

I feel for you situation...not sure of how bad it all is... but if this is the primary issue, Resentment on your part (I can see) - Repression on hers... a healthy sexual education, a changing of the mindset is the answer, but a seed has to be planted in her that THIS is hindering her life, her marraige, her self expression.
 
#53 ·
I want passion in my marriage. I've experienced that in my younger days. I remember catching a girls eye and she caught mine and I don't even think we said one word before we locked up. You could feel the heat. It was awesome. That's missing from my marriage and before I hear, "Well, what have you done to ignite this passion?", let me tell you, if making passion is as hard as some have stated, that means it's not natural and if it's right, it's natural.
 
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