[SimplyAmorous]

Do you have unresolved Resentment in your life >>>> Resentment Test

...........Resentment: The Biggest Relationship Killer..........

Resentment often functions in a downward spiral. Resentful feelings cut off communication between the resentful person & their spouse who they feel wronged them, which often results in future miscommunications & the development of further building of a resentment wall. Because of the consequences they carry, resentful feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. Resentment is an obstacle to the restoration of equal moral relations among persons, and must be handled and expunged via introspection and forgiveness.

MOST COMMON ISSUES FACED BY COUPLES:

“Not Tonight Dear” Why Couples Stop Having Sex (and what you can do about it)

1. Anger and resentment in the relationship
2. Mediocre or boring sex
3. Issues with initiating sex
4. Failure to make sex a priority
5. Excessive masturbation to pornography
6. Failure to attend to personal hygiene or appearance
7. Failure to address sexual dysfunction
8. Forgetting that foreplay starts long before the bedroom

3 Steps to release yourself from Resentment

If you are dealing with Resentment that is stealing from your marraige, taking a direct hit on your sex drive, please share your story... (mine to follow shortly)....

 

[SimplyAmorous]

Our story of discovery....and Overcoming.....

Me & my husband have always had a wonderful marraige ....or so I thought. I was blindsided to learn 3 yrs ago, he was silently suffering over wanting more SEX...for yrs....(He says he was happy about everything else....his words "we had the kids")... he never once started a fight with me, never sat me down, only asked for a Hand job once in 19 yrs (he told me later how difficult it was to even ask me... I remember that morning even) ......but yet resentment was slowly festering under the surface. How could I be that [email protected]#$%^&*. Our frequency -at least once a week without fail, I needed it that much & I did initiate over the years... I did not understand the urgency of the male sex drive (like many young women).

We were closer than most, did EVERYTHING together, the affection was there on his part, near every night I lay my head on his lap, we'd watch movies together, he happily ran his fingers through my hair, scratched my back. Who would think he was not a happy guy!

There will always be some issues to lead up to these things...our "monkey wrenches" were...we never openly talked about our sexual needs/ desires... too taboo/ embarrassment -- looking back- this should have been overcome early on...the gravest of our mistakes .....I was Repressed more than the average woman & he was more Passive than your average man ....a very bad mix for unexperienced uneducated Lovers...


Add to this yrs of trying to conceive...I had many worries on my mind.... the "scheduled sex" was hard on him.... this started the telling him to "wait" / rejecting on my part...so it began....him putting himself down for me......then TOO many babies in a short span of time... I was overwhelmed with Thankfulness..... I was cuddling them in bed , one after the other..... DUMB:banghead: DUMB :banghead: DUMB :banghead:, he never said a word ! .....but as he lay there, he silently wanted me to feel the pain he was feeling very strongly, wanting more affection, more holding, more making love.

To his credit.... He did try to talk to me once.... stupidly I took what he said in a different context, the heart of his words being lost to me.... I can't believe I was so dumb, a misunderstanding, he didn't revisit that conversation and here is where he started feeling less loved.

We've learned from our mistakes, I haven't met a couple yet who have missed each other as pathetically as we did... I was thinking his sex drive was low.... He was thinking mine was ! Here I took matters into my own hands many nights after he fell asleep feeling he wouldn't want woke up (this was much too taboo to talk about -YIKES!)... and he never masterbated --but waited for me! We were both shocked -when we finally learned of these things -me opening up the dialog -3 yrs ago!!

How could this have happened to [email protected]#$%^&

So Resentment stole something very very precious from us..... it stole my husband's creativity, his passion, some of his most vibrant yrs, it even took a hit on his sex drive for me towards the end.....never enough for him to reject me though- he wanted too! ....I do recall some hesitation on his part....but he was jumping inside every time I came for him saying "come on baby, I need you" ....another reason I was oblivious to what was boiling under the surface. Amazingly, even in the midst of all of this ....we still felt the emotional connection very strongly when we were together.... I don't think that was ever lost.

Coming into my sex drive with a vengenge... Saved us, set us on a new path ... blasted all of this wide open- once & for all....We both see our parts in the breakdown and have forgiven each other...from the heart.

 

[frustr8dhubby]

I can certainly feel the resentment building.

Like your husband, I am pretty passive (sometimes passive-aggressive unfortunately). As you know her sex drive went to pretty much zero about 7-8 years ago. I attributed a lot of it to having 3 young children, me losing my job at the time, moving back to the area, etc. I figured it would eventually come back.

It hasn't. I have been VERY vocal about my needs/desires and it just doesn't seem to sink in. I always got a little moody/depressive about it but now I feel anger sinking in and it is affecting things outside of the bedroom.

I have always been proud to have her as my wife. She is a great wife and mother but now I can feel anger seeping into unrelated stupid things that I would have blown off and I really don't like it.

I also now find myself craving the attention of other women that I never really did before. Sure, it is always nice for someone to notice you but now it is almost like I need it...

And for those of you women reading this, no I am no saint and I am sure I have much to do with it. I have low self-esteem already (which is a turn-off, I know) and I can tend to be a bit depressive (which can be a drain for her to deal with). However, I am also pretty easy going and strive to be a good husband and father...

 

[JustAMan2]

Resentment from sexual refusal is VERY hard to deal with--in particular since I'm a high drive man with a love language of physical touch. My wife is very, very cold sexually (as it turns out she was molested as a child, she knew it all along, but refused to tell me for 23 years). She stopped having intercourse with me in year 5 of our marriage, we "fooled around", but no intercourse for 18 years.

She was all too happy to fool around every 10-15 days. I was not!!! Every other day would have been more like it for my speed. AND I wanted intercourse!!!! Of course!!!

First, I felt rejected, then hurt, then angry, then resentment set in (resentment is long term, undealt with anger in my book). It killed almost every other aspect of our relationship. I sat her down no less than 6 times a year and explained that "this just isn't cutting it for me." I would explain over and over again why I needed sex. The emotional need, the physical need to release, to connect with her etc. I was told I "had a problem" and that "all wives complain that all you men want is sex."

I remember one time a "talk" we were having. My wife LOVES affection (non-sexual) likes hugs, snuggling etc. (which she got PLENTY of believe me--for quite a few years anyway!!!). But, due to her rejections I was always wanting more, of course (wanting it to lead to sex is what I mean).

Anyway, I told her that she was "weird" for needing so much "attention" like hugging, snuggling. I told her that all the men I talked to said the same thing about women--that they are just too clingy. I told her that her family had a problem because they like to hug all the time. I said they were "perverts" (something she called me for wanting sex).

She looked at me like I was from Mars...then I drove the point home. "Sex is NORMAL. REGULAR SEX is normal. So is hugging, but if I don't meet your needs, guess how you are going to feel? If I reject you, give you a hug only once very 10-14 days, how do you think you will like that? How about if I call you a pervert for wanting more than what I am willing to give you?"

Of course, at this time I didn't know her CSA history.

My point is that resentment caused me to be very angry and to come across to her in increasingly angrier tones as the resentment built and built.

That's the real danger of resentment. I still have a lot of it for her not telling me when I first brought up the issue of lack of sex in our marriage.

Gradually, I just withdrew more and more from her. I was very open about why I was doing this. She complained constantly about my "absence" in our marriage, but I would counter that she was sexually absent and "checked out" and I couldn't take the rejection any more and it was easier for me to just work then to come home to a wife that constantly rejected me.

I started taking separate vacations, refusing to take her with me. I would go fishing with my brother, or go visit my folks. She was very hurt by this, again, I was trying to drive home a point.

Every once in a while she would make grand promises to change, but she almost never followed though, or she would once or twice then say, "See, I'm doing what you want." Then it was right back to the same old-same old.

I'm still dealing with resentment. Right now she is very, very stalled out in her healing process. She quit counseling back in August and hasn't made any noticeable progress since then.

It seems she has to be backed into a corner to and FORCED to take steps forward or she is just content to sit there and let things be as they are.

The only reason she finally told me of her CSA was because she was convinced I was going to dump her. How sad!!! What a poor reason to want to change. This is also the ONLY reason she finally started having intercourse with me again. She claimed she "couldn't" for all those years, but, when she believed I was leaving her, all of the sudden she could.

I think I would be much less resentful if she would make steady progress. That's the hard part for me right now.

 

[frustr8dhubby]

That is where I have a bit of a different problem. My wife shuns my physical touch (other than hello/gnight hugs/kisses and occasionally holding hands). So any other type of touch she takes as me wanting sex (which, of course, would be nice).

And I make matters worse by groping all the time...

 

[phantomfan]

You know, I've said and I think it's very true. Everything men do from pre puberty onwards centers around getting laid. Here's what I mean.

A man isn't going to get laid if he doesn't have a job, treat women right, be a father, romance women, is dependable, responsible, etc. it's biology driving us to be the best we can be to attract a mate. Ladies fall in love with us as men, then they seem to be unsatisfied once the ring goes on the finger. Guess men in captivity aren't as desirable :-/
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Catherine602]

it seems that resentment is provoked when partners don't value things equally.

At one time I resented my husband because he does not consistently remember to do chores. I have to remind him. Plus I have more responsibility for keeping up with the family calender. It takes a lot of mental energy to remember everything.

I had an epiphany of sorts. Since he always does what I ask and he is not purposely forgetting, I no longer waste time resenting him for this.

I consider it minor and a part of accepting him as a person. He does not do it on purpose, he just he just cannot keep a bunch of things in his head like i can.

The reason I let go was because I read that some men think in a liner ration due to the influence of testosterone on brain developement. he could take estrogen pills to become more feminine but I value his man parts too much.

I think a lot of resentment is due to a lack of awarenes and acceptance of the differences between the sexes. Things that concern one gender does not concern the other.

Also, misinterpreting things negatively with out asking is another problem I think . I told my husband about his brain and that I had resented himin the past but will not any more.

We both have a good sense of humor and he is not as reactive as I am so that really helps us negotiate conflict.

I also told him I will still get pissed to deal with the frustration but I will not hold it against him.

I was shocked that he actually changed and now remembers about 80% of the time.

I asked him about the change and he said that the chores are at the top of his list now because he knows that it is important to me.

What a guy.

 

[Catherine602]

It is often difficult to deal with differences in approach and gender differences when living in close quarters.

This may seem disconnected but I think that men who think that every problem they have in the relationship is due to feminism giving women the right to refuse to do what they don't want, women using sex to manipulate or the belief that a woman should please her man sexually even if he considers her need as unimportant.

The vitriol is said out of anger and resentment. However, what if they are wrong about the motivations? What if they assume the best and ask their wives and listen?

What if they accepted that women are different and they need to adjust their aproach to have a successful relationship.

If that is considered jumping through hoop and blaming men of course resentment ensues. But suppose these men accepted that part of being in a relationship requires adjustment to their partner?

Women have equal the amount of work to do but I am leaving them out in this post. Maybe one of the guys will tell it from their side a lot better than I can.

Hope this does not seem unfair because it is not my intent.

 

[phantomfan]

it seems that resentment is provoked when partners don't value things equally.

At one time I resented my husband because he does not consistently remember to do chores. I have to remind him. Plus I have more responsibility for keeping up with the family calender. It takes a lot of mental energy to remember everything.

I had an epiphany of sorts. Since he always does what I ask and he is not purposely forgetting, I no longer waste time resenting him for this.

I consider it minor and a part of accepting him as a person. He does not do it on purpose, he just he just cannot keep a bunch of things in his head like i can.

The reason I let go was because I read that some men think in a liner ration due to the influence of testosterone on brain developement. he could take estrogen pills to become more feminine but I value his man parts too much.

I think a lot of resentment is due to a lack of awarenes and acceptance of the differences between the sexes. Things that concern one gender does not concern the other.

Also, misinterpreting things negatively with out asking is another problem I think . I told my husband about his brain and that I had resented himin the past but will not any more.

We both have a good sense of humor and he is not as reactive as I am so that really helps us negotiate conflict.

I also told him I will still get pissed to deal with the frustration but I will not hold it against him.

I was shocked that he actually changed and now remembers about 80% of the time.

I asked him about the change and he said that the chores are at the top of his list now because he knows that it is important to me.

What a guy.

Not taking out the trash and the need to be sexual with your spouse is not going to be the same to the needy person. Pretty sure no one has a biological need to take the trash out. Having said that, everyone's needs no matter how small should be taken care of by the other person in the relationship. Forsaking all others means you accepted responsibility for them, in return they don't go elsewhere. One can argue who forsook whom when sex/intimacy breaks down. Regardless, it needs to be taken seriously because it is!

 

[Catherine602]

Not taking out the trash and the need to be sexual with your spouse is not going to be the same to the needy person. Pretty sure no one has a biological need to take the trash out. Having said that, everyone's needs no matter how small should be taken care of by the other person in the relationship. Forsaking all others means you accepted responsibility for them, in return they don't go elsewhere. One can argue who forsook whom when sex/intimacy breaks down. Regardless, it needs to be taken seriously because it is!

I am sorry for your troubles and I agree that your need is very painful when it is not being met.

However, I don't think you got the what I am saying. From your post, you feel that sex is a biologic need. i don't agree. Sex is not like eating or drinking when you are hungry and thirsty.

Those are needs that you cannot do without and therefore are biologic. Moreover, they don't require anyones cooperation.

You are right about the trash, but I would argue leaving trash around may be hazardous to your health. It may not kill yiou but it could make you sick.

Many people view sex as a choice to bond with someone they love and make it a mutually satisfying experience. It does require the willing cooperation of another person.

People go through periods in their lives when a partner is not available and they don't die. I don't think that describes a biologic need.

If sex were a biologic need then masturbation should do, don't you think. It requires no ones cooperation just like eating.

If you view sex as an activity to be engaged in under the threat of cheating, that is not love is it?

I don't think that a spouse denying sex because they are resentful will buy this argument. They may respond to a change in your view of sex.

I think it is better to frame sex with your partner as an act of love with a willing partner that you pay some attention outside as well as inside the bedroom.

You partners needs to work too but she is not here and she did not write what to me is not a good way of viewing sex. She may have her own faulty ideas but she is not here to say.

 

[phantomfan]

I am sorry for your troubles and I agree that your need is very painful when it is not being met.

However, I don't think you got the what I am saying. From your post, you feel that sex is a biologic need. i don't agree. Sex is not like eating or drinking when you are hungry and thirsty.

Thanks. No one is more sorry than I am.

The drive to procreate which is what sex is for is written into the DNA of both sexes. Every species has the desire to procreate and selects mates based on characteristics that matter to the other. Will someone die without sex, no. Whether someone dies is not what makes something biological or unnecessary. We humans add emotions and the capacity to bond through/with sex to one person. If the wild animals who don't have this dimension to their biological clock are "sex crazy", how much more are humans with a capacity to love and desire ONE person only going to be? To me, the physical and emotional connection through sex is like no other experience I've had. No drug or high comes close. Granted I've never done hard drugs but I can't imagine the feelings with them are as satisfying as a spiritual/physical/emotional connection, becoming one person from two. Yeah this guy cares a hell of a lot more than a quickie or an occasional charity poke after I explode in anger from years of neglect. Most guys feel like I do if they are even remotely in touch with their feelings. It's a curse when I feel like I do and the one I made a promise to forsake all others for has forsaken me.

 

[Catherine602]

Thanks. No one is more sorry than I am.

The drive to procreate which is what sex is for is written into the DNA of both sexes. Every species has the desire to procreate and selects mates based on characteristics that matter to the other. Will someone die without sex, no. Whether someone dies is not what makes something biological or unnecessary. We humans add emotions and the capacity to bond through/with sex to one person. If the wild animals who don't have this dimension to their biological clock are "sex crazy", how much more are humans with a capacity to love and desire ONE person only going to be? To me, the physical and emotional connection through sex is like no other experience I've had. No drug or high comes close. Granted I've never done hard drugs but I can't imagine the feelings with them are as satisfying as a spiritual/physical/emotional connection, becoming one person from two. Yeah this guy cares a hell of a lot more than a quickie or an occasional charity poke after I explode in anger from years of neglect. Most guys feel like I do if they are even remotely in touch with their feelings. It's a curse when I feel like I do and the one I made a promise to forsake all others for has forsaken me.

Phantom
I have read so many situation on this forum from men who feel that the withdrawal of sex by their wives was not justified.

It is difficult for me to believe that there was nothing that led up to the disconnect. When a relationship breaks down, most of the time, both parties have a role. I don't believe that it is always 50% but I don't think a woman stops having sex for no reason.

Maybe that sounds like blaming men but I feel that woman are automatically blamed for losing the sexual connection.

The conventional wisdom is that sex occupies a special position in the relationship in that it should be obligatory. My sense is that most men feel this way and that is because unresolved relationship problems don't effect their desire for sex. For most women, it does.

However, some women withdraw sex for unwarenetd reasons because they don't understand that sex is not only pleasure but so much more. They don't know your pain Phantom. Hard to believe but its true. Even if you are able to express it, they don't believe.

Is there ever a time when you review your relationship? Have you ever make changes in yourself because you come to a realization that you may be wrong and not because it will may get the sex going again?

I was 6 weeks away from leaving my husband 3 years ago. I went to my husband and instead of making him the bad guy, I owned up to my part in the disconnect. He accepted the olive branch and owned up to his part. We began a journey to get back to a good place.

It all stated because I became a mommy and forgot to be a wife. He felt left out and responded by withdrawing emotionally. I did not realize what I did to make this happen until I read about marriage and relationships.

During our troubled times, I could not have sex as frequently as he wanted. I would have felt like I did not matter but my goodies did.

I don't know if you can understand this. Till this day I don't think either of us was wrong but misguided and making a mess of a good thing.

Men withdraw emotionally and woman sexually. Who is justified? I guess it depends who you are. Many women regret denying their husband sex for what they too late recognize as stupid reasons but only when he is ready to leave or has had an exit affair.

 

[phantomfan]

Phantom
I have read so many situation on this forum from men who feel that the withdrawal of sex by their wives was not justified.

It is difficult for me to believe that there was nothing that led up to the disconnect. When a relationship breaks down, most of the time, both parties have a role. I don't believe that it is always 50% but I don't think a woman stops having sex for no reason.

Maybe that sounds like blaming men but I feel that woman are automatically blamed for losing the sexual connection.

The conventional wisdom is that sex occupies a special position in the relationship in that it should be obligatory. My sense is that most men feel this way and that is because unresolved relationship problems don't effect their desire for sex. For most women, it does.

However, some women withdraw sex for unwarenetd reasons because they don't understand that sex is not only pleasure but so much more. They don't know your pain Phantom. Hard to believe but its true. Even if you are able to express it, they don't believe.

Is there ever a time when you review your relationship? Have you ever make changes in yourself because you come to a realization that you may be wrong and not because it will may get the sex going again?

I was 6 weeks away from leaving my husband 3 years ago. I went to my husband and instead of making him the bad guy, I owned up to my part in the disconnect. He accepted the olive branch and owned up to his part. We began a journey to get back to a good place.

It all stated because I became a mommy and forgot to be a wife. He felt left out and responded by withdrawing emotionally. I did not realize what I did to make this happen until I read about marriage and relationships.

During our troubled times, I could not have sex as frequently as he wanted. I would have felt like I did not matter but my goodies did.

I don't know if you can understand this. Till this day I don't think either of us was wrong but misguided and making a mess of a good thing.

Men withdraw emotionally and woman sexually. Who is justified? I guess it depends who you are. Many women regret denying their husband sex for what they too late recognize as stupid reasons but only when he is ready to leave or has had an exit affair.

I agree with you for the most part. I do accept and acknowledge I'm not perfect. If I have never said that directly, consider this my "yep, my fault" mea culpa. It took two well intentioned people to dig the hole we're in and it was not done on purpose.

Where I differ is that I do believe that its wrong to deny the other partners needs regardless of what that is unless it is morally wrong. Another MC, I'm guilty of it too. I'm not sure who the first person was to make it a habit, but I know its going on on both sides. Since this is my place to figure out what to do because I want to gain what was lost and make it even better, I am going to bring up my point of view discuss and confide in total strangers about the most intimate details of my life and vent until things become clear to me and my marriage is on the right track.

I'm sure you understand that also. I started reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book today and it is pretty much me in how I relate to women. I have more female friends than male friends. Part of my issue is that trying to be perfect, I became a man she couldn't respect. She has said this to me in so many words once or twice. I've recognized that I'm not who I want to be anymore. I've lost my mojo and gone beta. In trying to manipulate or correct my behavior, she became a woman I couldn't connect with or respect. It's a vicious cycle that needs to stop.

For my part, I'm working on myself. I'm not believing that if she just change her attitude that everything will be roses. Hardly! There are many things that will need to change on both sides to make a healthy and happy marriage again. But I do believe a concession that I must have for me to be vulnerable enough to put my heart out there to get hurt again is the main source that causes me to hurt must end. I also believe that the path to total relationship ruin is our immediate future unless things change.

I've said (and I firmly believe) that intimacy and sex are the glue that holds a relationship together and it is the entire point of a marriage. I picked the Genesis reading for our marriage that describes how "it is not good for man to be alone, so God made a helper" Right now, I feel alone and I need my helper back. On the original topic, the resentment I feel needs to be retired. I know it's destroyed much of the "feelings" I have for her and that's insult on top of injury. Unfortunately, I'm too hurt to stop resenting her if the behavior that caused my resentment continues. I know that's a two way street. It's going to require a large effort on my part to be the man she married. So now that I've shared that, please understand that when I talk about things here, that I'm not the person who is here thinking my stuff don't stink. Quite the contrary. I just assume for the most part that everyone on here is like me and already knows what their faults are.

 

[Lordhavok]

Some people say that sex makes up 10% of a relationship, unless your not getting it, then it becomes 90%

 

[deejov]

Your post is very timely for me.
Although we are in the dead lane and not recovering, part of the moving on process for us has been to "talk" about some of this stuff. Resentment and needs not being met has come up lately....

The interesting part of his character that he is showing now is pretty ugly.

He has huge resentments. And he has spent the past year denying me of a relationship because of it. But yet... when I turned the tables recently and stopped meeting his needs.. heck broke loose.
I am being "mean" and hurting his feelings. The conversation we had kinda echoed your OP. How things spiral and escalate. I am now resentfull because you were that way to me. Which is why I'm jumping off the train. I'm not interested in going to hell with you.
I think I even said "why should I care if you are happy if you have spent the past year dismissing my needs over and over".

I do know why he is resentful. And it made me think even less of him. Mostly because he never communicated it to me (although I heard stories through the grapevine he gossiped to).

Does it really matter to me anymore? No. I now believe that people ALLOW themselves to become resentful. It's not a natural progression. It take a choice. Just like having an affair.

 

[frustr8dhubby]

deejov,

Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice?

Catherine602,

Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and just smack you! (I am being facetious of course). I hear what you say and I actually tend to agree with it. However, my wife and I have discussed her lack of desire for me ad nauseum and she claims everything is wonderful. So why don't YOU talk to her and find out what I am not meeting?

 

[trey69]

frustr8, I would imagine she is lying to you. I'm sure you are aware of that. If you feel things are not good, then they probably are not. Your wife likely isn't being truthful with you on how she really feels. Watch actions more than words. I'm sure you have been, and yes I think you deserve to know WHY she feels the way she does. However, I doubt its gonna happen. She probably doesn't want to hurt you with the truth although she already with her actions.

 

[confusedinlife]

Some people say that sex makes up 10% of a relationship, unless your not getting it, then it becomes 90%

all in your perspective

 

[confusedinlife]

I can only speak for myself.

When my wife and I make love, it really makes us alive.
We really love living life, really enjoy each other.

It helps give us PASSION in our life.
If you have PASSION in your marriage and PASSION in your life, it really makes life worth living.

I know that tomorrow and 10+ years from now my life will be better because I have this PASSION.

Sex is a small but very important part of my life with my wife.
I will do everything I can to maintain it.

I feel very much the same.....just wish we had it more often....

 

[frustr8dhubby]

frustr8, I would imagine she is lying to you. I'm sure you are aware of that. If you feel things are not good, then they probably are not. Your wife likely isn't being truthful with you on how she really feels. Watch actions more than words. I'm sure you have been, and yes I think you deserve to know WHY she feels the way she does. However, I doubt its gonna happen. She probably doesn't want to hurt you with the truth although she already with her actions.

Yes, you hit the nail on the head...