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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Dear all
I would really appreciate some advice. I’ve been married 14 years to my wife. She’s 35 and I’m 46 but the age gap has never been a problem. We have 3 boys aged 11,8 and 5. When we got married, sex was enjoyable and affectionate. 3 months into the marriage my wife lost her sexual appetite, on our honeymoon in amazing Tahiti from the pill. I have a very high sex drive and throughout the marriage always “expected” sex. Mornings, evenings even if my wife wasn’t up for it. She never really enjoyed it and was in pain for many years (she found out it was food allergy related). I then got severely depressed (not from this) and expected sex more otherwise I would get VERY moody. Long and short of it my wife resents me for this behaviour. We’ve had 2 sets of different marriage therapy counselling the last 2 years. I have seen my wrongs and feel totally embarrassed for the lack of respect I have given her these years. I wish I could undo this but can’t. Slight blip in this story that about 4-5 years ago she got a one year period of exceptionally high libido during my depression. Almost a role reversal. At this point she made hurtful comments that she saw me as a sibling and wanted to explore sex with other men. She has since retracted these comments. She recently told me she is no longer attracted to me and that hit me so hard I can’t stop thinking about it. I really love her, she loves me, we get along well, parent the kids well but she doesn’t think she can get over the way I expected sex and put pressure on her all the time. I feel we’re heading for divorce and suggested separation for 3-6 months. We haven’t had sex for over 2 months, abstained from kissing and cuddling. What really hurts me is the way she looks at me with resentment, almost hatred. I feel lost and would appreciate advice.
  • do you think our marriage is repairable?
  • was she ever attracted to me?
  • is separation a better option than going straight for divorce
  • she told her parents who suggested we compromise. I am 46 and need to see my wife look at me with love instead of resentment. What compromise, am I being naive?
Any other guidance for a broken, lost, repenting guy would be so appreciated. Thanks
 

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No it is not repairable. You both have blown it at just about every turn.

Odds are that she we never attracted or really loved you in any way, maybe as a brother. And I guess you being really inexperienced just went along with it.

Just start the divorce process it takes long enough as it is.

You are being completely Naïve, for about a hundred reasons.

1) She is done and she was done when she talked to you years ago about other men. She was probably cheating on you then with someone she liked having sex with.

2) You know absolutely nothing about sex, and you need to learn for when you start dating again if you ever do.

3) You should have never ever married her in the first place.

4) Did you not know that she was not enjoying sex with you??? Could you not tell? Did you ever think to read a book??? Nothing?

Bottom line, you have made almost every mistake you can make. It is time to end it. You need to learn what an actual loving relationship looks like. You need to learn about women. If you do some work and show some personal growth, then you may have a chance at a happy life with another women, but only if you figure out what is going on in a lot of areas in your life...
 

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  • do you think our marriage is repairable?
  • was she ever attracted to me?
  • is separation a better option than going straight for divorce
  • she told her parents who suggested we compromise. I am 46 and need to see my wife look at me with love instead of resentment. What compromise, am I being naive?
Love is not alway easy to recognize. Especially tough love!

About the ONLY attribute consistent in all forms of love would be patience. If you ask your wife if she loves you and she responds, "well, I'm still here!" ...then you might actually have something to work with and save your marriage. You just have to learn how to appreciate love in all the different forms and ways that it happens and start being grateful instead of so needy.

Regards,
Badsanta
 

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I understand where your wife is coming from. Somewhere down the line with my marriage, my ex husbands treatment toward me just made me lose respect for him. And then it was over for me. I tried hard to get it back, and to do the wifely thing because deep down I knew I loved him. But I just was so disappointed in him. One day he wanted to have sex and he was doing all the things and I could not get wet for the life of me. And he was like wow, even your vagina hates me. And it was a pivotal moment because that is something I cannot control or fake it till you make it. And the truth was who he turned into was not someone I like or respected.

And we talked about it and I wanted nothing more than my marriage to work out. But that would involve him changing into a different person. It was really sad. And he was just like you don’t even like me. And it was true. I loved him so much when I met him and throughout many years, but life changed him and he became a man I didn’t respect.
And that’s something you either have for someone or you don’t.


All you can do is take a good look at yourself and see if you like who you are. If not, change. As for your wife, it seems she has decided she doesn’t like you anymore, or your not who she thought you are, or who she thinks you should be. If both of you agree on who you should be, then maybe it can work.
 

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Slight blip in this story that about 4-5 years ago she got a one year period of exceptionally high libido during my depression. Almost a role reversal. At this point she made hurtful comments that she saw me as a sibling and wanted to explore sex with other men.

How do you know she didnt?
 

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I dont think you should give up. Why not go back to your marriage counsellors. They must know a lot about both of you. The correct thing really is to ask her also to post on her. Let us hear her side of the story. I dont know why no one does that here. I am new here and maybe they do but I have not yet seen it.. It would be cheaper than therapists and you would get better results. You also have children to consider. You dont tell us what you and your wife did before you met which could have a bearing. You say her parents want you to stay, that is a start. It sounds like she agrees. I certainly dont think all is lost. People say things in anger when they dont really mean them. Dont put so much into it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I’m 99.99% sure she has never cheated on me. She’s on her phone 5 hours a day every day, so that’s why it’s not 100%
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I understand where your wife is coming from. Somewhere down the line with my marriage, my ex husbands treatment toward me just made me lose respect for him. And then it was over for me. I tried hard to get it back, and to do the wifely thing because deep down I knew I loved him. But I just was so disappointed in him. One day he wanted to have sex and he was doing all the things and I could not get wet for the life of me. And he was like wow, even your vagina hates me. And it was a pivotal moment because that is something I cannot control or fake it till you make it. And the truth was who he turned into was not someone I like or respected.

And we talked about it and I wanted nothing more than my marriage to work out. But that would involve him changing into a different person. It was really sad. And he was just like you don’t even like me. And it was true. I loved him so much when I met him and throughout many years, but life changed him and he became a man I didn’t respect.
And that’s something you either have for someone or you don’t.


All you can do is take a good look at yourself and see if you like who you are. If not, change. As for your wife, it seems she has decided she doesn’t like you anymore, or your not who she thought you are, or who she thinks you should be. If both of you agree on who you should be, then maybe it can work.
Thanks for your comments. So I have changed the last year or so and willing to change more if that’s what it takes. She needs to change too in her perception of me in that if I am 90% a good loving caring person and used to be a monster expecting sex for 10%, she will always see the 10% past monster. I just think she’s clocked out of the marriage .....
 

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Thanks for your comments. So I have changed the last year or so and willing to change more if that’s what it takes. She needs to change too in her perception of me in that if I am 90% a good loving caring person and used to be a monster expecting sex for 10%, she will always see the 10% past monster. I just think she’s clocked out of the marriage .....
Might be. And she probably doesn’t think she needs to change.
 

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Women can be attracted and still not want to have sex with you if they feel they've been disrespected or they've lost respect for you. Or they can simply not be attracted anymore and I suspect when she said she feels more like you're a brother to her that she is telling the truth. Women need the whole package to keep having sex with someone. They need to be attracted, respect and feel respected, and have feelings for you and feel like you have feelings for them.

I suspect there's more to that high libido stage she went through and some connection to you being depressed and acting different.

Maybe she felt that because of your change of mental state, for once you weren't pursuing her and she had more control and could move at her own pace and not feel like she was giving into something she resented which was you pressuring and insisting on her to have sex all those years. Maybe she wants to feel like she's the one who gets to exercise the choice of when.

Even if that is the case I still don't think this is sustainable. Too much water under the bridge.
 
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You used her as a cum dump with no regard to her.

I had the same problem with the pill. I went on it when we got married and it wrecked my libido. So after 3 months I went off it. I discussed going off with my husband letting him know it made me feel weird. He happily agreed even though that meant condoms. He knew it also meant sex. The pill was super effective as it made me completely not want sex.

I don't think you can save this. When people show you who they are believe them. You showed her who you are and how you value her.
 

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She is done and she was done when she talked to you years ago about other men. She was probably cheating on you then with someone she liked having sex with.
I’m 99.99% sure she has never cheated on me. She’s on her phone 5 hours a day every day, so that’s why it’s not 100%
Chiller, if I was putting money on it, I'd go with she did have something on the side. Here's the thing Dawg. Women don't like a man that practices what I call "masterbatus in vaganus"
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Being on the phone constantly is a sign of cheating, Texting all the time.

Does she let you read her phone, go through her phone???

It does not really matter she is done...
We know each other’s passcodes so if I wanted to go on her phone I could, but something I don’t feel I need to do. I trust her.
 

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We know each other’s passcodes so if I wanted to go on her phone I could, but something I don’t feel I need to do. I trust her.
OK you know best. You know that you can delete text messages and that some apps delete them automatically.

I hope that your head in the sand gets you though the nigh. And it still does not matter, she is done. Women that are done, are done.

God bless and good luck.
 

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At some point during all of that, she likely did get with another man(s). Perhaps she is still involved in one way or another.

There is a very succinct and to-the-point podcast that does a real good job of explaining some nuts-and-bolts signs that a wife is having an affair.

It is a channel called "Dad Starting Over" and the episode is titled "The Seven Signs Your Wife is Cheating." (or something very similar)

Anyway your wife has pretty much all of those signs. there is a very low likelihood that she has not got with someone else.

No husband thinks that his wife "has time" for an affair. But adulterous trysts take place in literally minutes. meeting in the back of a park on the way to/from the grocery store. Swinging by a motel room on the way to/from work for.

In my young, single days when I was hooking up with a number of married women I literally got a phone call from the pay phone (this was early '90s before everyone had cell phones) at the elementary school and the WW told me she could swing by my house after dropping the kids off but she only had 5 minutes. When I answered the door she barged in and was dropping her clothes on the way to the bedroom and she reiterated we only had 5 minutes before her H would start wondering where she was. I didn't think we could do it but we were both done and good to go in maybe 6 minutes tops.

The reason I cite that example to people is to demonstrate that this is for real and everyone has time.
 

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My wife and I went through miniature hell together... she had cancerous thyroid, major exhaustion issues, and no “drive” for weeks and months (usually after giving birth, newborns, etc). Luckily, I mostly kept my big mouth shut and suffered (and suffered) through the pangs of sexual frustration.... My point is I’d discourage men from just harassing their wives for sex. Asking for a quickie is sometimes necessary but other times you better just go run 5 miles, punch the bag for three hours, or just generally go hurt yourself in contact sports until you wrestle your body under control. You asking for two-a-days and getting moody really, really wrecked it. My wife luckily forgave my harassment however she’s a saint and I typically would bother her once a week (tops) and then only at a time mostly convenient and I usually made an attempt at wooing or humor “you won’t feel a thing and I’ll take kids outside for 10 hours” lol... being a jerk really gets you nowhere with wives.

I think you could salvage it... but you really need some major training on how to be a gentleman, no offense. Stay away from porn... that will wreck it too.
 

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No husband thinks that his wife "has time" for an affair. But adulterous trysts take place in literally minutes. meeting in the back of a park on the way to/from the grocery store. Swinging by a motel room on the way to/from work for.


The reason I cite that example to people is to demonstrate that this is for real and everyone has time.
Oh gosh I have another great example but with a different spin.

Several years ago I got sick and broke out with weird and nasty rash from head to toe. I ended up in the hospital for a few days and probably had a gallon of blood and urine and every other body fluid and substance drained from me for testing and even had blood sent to the Mayo Clinic in the US and even some sent to France for testing.

Anyway, the infectious disease people came in, asked my wife to leave and closed the door and set in to interrogating me on where I had been and what I may have been exposed to. After the usual questioning about any travel outside the country or being around anyone that was sick etc etc they started grilling me on my whereabouts and about my sexual habits and lifestyle.

They asked me if I had cheated on my wife - answer =no.

They asked if she had ever cheated on me - answer = not that I am aware of.

The next question was straight-faced, look into the eyes and deadpan tone of voice asked if my wife had been in my presence 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for the past 10 years straight.

My answer of course was no, to which they replied that they would be testing me for syphlis, HIV, Hepatitis, Gonorhea, Chymidia and basically every STI known to man.

The point here is, the infectious disease doctors know that there is no such thing as someone being assured their spouse hasn't been with anyone else.
 

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We know each other’s passcodes so if I wanted to go on her phone I could, but something I don’t feel I need to do. I trust her.
The reason your not looking into her actives is not because you trust her but because you know what you’ll find and then you won’t be able to kid yourself anymore.
 
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