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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am a mother of a 2 year old and a wife. My situation lays in the marriage part, I feel as though I am hanging on. I have been repulsed by my husband sexually for about 9 months, he tries and tries all the time to have sex and i find that the more he asks the more it is repulsive. I feel as though i don't want him to touch me or even give me kiss. This situation is causing a lot of arguments, and I barely sleep in the same bed as him. I have been to the doctor for blood work and she checked my thyroid and my hormone levels but everything came back okay!!?? so if anyone is dealing with a similar situation or has advice please help!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
We are young I m 23 and he is 26, after having a baby I gained 40 lbs and nothing I recall happened a year or 9 months ago. Although I did leave 2 months ago for a month because I needed a break from "being june cleaver" so i took my daughter and i to my mothers 1200 miles away and just relaxed. Things then when i came back were okay still didnt want him to touch me or anything but were better when it came to house chores.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Dont get me wrong I love my husband. I have known him since i was 14 (we have only been together for 4 years) . So it is not that i feel that there are other fish in the sea. I am satisfied in every other aspect i have my own business, i am a mother, and we have a great house, I am just repulsed by him sexually and cant stand that he even mentions anything sexual. it sometimes makes me feel that he cant even hug me without doing something sexual, and the more he mentions or asks the more i get irritated and then we have an argument yada yada he goes to bed i sleep elsewhere because i feel it is my fault
 

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It really sounds like there is something more there. For a while my wife had withdrawn but what it can down to when she figured it out was she was mildly depressed because she had wanted more from life then to work a standard job. She was the one hope in her family for college and never went for it. She also always felt like she was holding me back since I did everything for the household. Finally I sat down with her and we found a way to get her into college and I haven't missed a beat helping her along that path. Things are better now then they ever had been. The point is she had to figure out for herself that she wanted more and what it was.

You mention two things the weight you put on and the "june clever" are either of those things really bothering you?

draconis
 

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So the more your husband mentions sex, the more you feel under pressure to perform and the more stressed out you get? Sounds like you've built a barrier in your head which it's going to take some work to get down. If your husband could be persuaded to forget about sex for a period it might give you some breathing space. Would he consider a period where no sexual touching or talk is allowed? If you can get used to perhaps a hug or touching hands it will be a step in the right direction, because I expect at the moment you tense up at the thought.
 

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I think there may be some delayed post natal depression there as well. You gained a lot of weight, felt unattractive and miserable, which perhaps built up inhibitions regarding your body, and the thought of your husband seeing you or touching you intimately.

This coupled with the feeling of pressure to perform may have made it even worse till you are at the stage you are now.

Perhaps you could get your doctor to recommend a therapy group of counsellor, where you can talk about your feelings.

Tell your husband how much you love him, and that you want to go back to the loving relationship you had previously, and that you will need his help and understanding to make it work. I bet he will want to help. Perhaps he could even come to the therapy/counselling sessions with you?
 

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hazel22, your not alone and your husband is not that different than others.

My wife & I went through a similar "time", and what I have to say may make you mad so please remember I'm try'n to help.

You are both selfish & stubborn. He wants "it" and keeps ask'n/grab'n till he gets what he wants(I was like this). When he's shut down, he feels bad and assumes you want someone/something else. You won't give in cause he'll "win", and you want something in return. You may be in a "dull" moment in your marriage and need a spark to get out of it. You won't have that same "fire" you had before marriage, different time and stage; but you can get to that loving stage in marriage. You just gotta get over that hump.

Wife & I are stubborn, neither one wanted to "give in". I quit touching her and it drove me nuts. We would go a month easy without any "love'n" and I hated it. I was grumpy, she was grumpy. I bought Dr. Lauras' book "proper feeding and caring for a husband". Not my best idea I've had, but was a good laugh. It's a good book, but didn't help us as my wife thought it was one-sided. She bought Dr. Harley books on His Needs/Her Needs, love busters, and 2 more I can't remember....had to do w/emotional needs.

It really helped us out alot. Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

I read them all cover to cover. Wife didn't do so well at reading them so I talked about what was in them as I read and showed her things to read that "fit" us.

We began to talk more, listen better(me), and work on our marriage instead of focusing everything on the kids.

We don't have a perfect marriage, but it is MUCH better than before. You've got to work on yourself(can't control anyone else) and work on the marriage as often, if not more, as cleaning/cooking/bookwork, etc.

I don't want to take away from this site, but the marriage builders site is also very good.

Good luck, I hope this will help.

PS - Do it soon as your daughter is learning what a marriage should be, do it for her if not for yourself or your husband.
 

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I agree with several of the posters before me. I think you are still having post partum depression, if it hasn't gone into clinical depression at this late date. It has been my and many other new mom's experience that you may feel repulsed by sex or what leads up to sex after having a baby. I think this is our body's way of telling us we don't want to get pregnant just yet. I'd be interested to know if you breast- or bottle feed /fed your baby. I also think it's important to talk to your doctor about it now.
The bit about June Cleaver, though. You didn't mean it mother-wise, I think, but wife-wise. Mrs Cleaver is iconic as the perfect mom and mother. She is symbolic to you, and if you put some serious thought into it, you could figure out exactly what it is.
I want to put in a word for your hubby. Pregnancy and parenthood put men through changes as well. A lot of men crave reassuring that you still find them still attractive as a husband as well as a daddy. I'd stop pushing him away and try some honest and deep talk with him. You know, turn off the TV, turn to each other and try to work this all out. If that doesn't work, try counseling. Try to stop feeling "repulsed" and remember when you loved him enough to marry him and make him the husband and the father of your child. Have a little sympathy for him, OK? Can you imagine how you are making HIM feel?
 

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I think another thing you need to know is this just with your husband. Do you ever think about being with some one else. If the answer is no then I realy don't think it is somehting your husband has done but more like everyone else is talking about. You should see about some counceling or a support group in your area. Other woman that feel the same way is easer to talk to then a man that has no clue.
 

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Hi hazzel22, my wife seems to be going through the same thing as you and dealt with it as poorly as it seems you are. Hopefully your husband is nicer and more patient that I am. Otherwise you will loose him, or worse, he'll get smart and see that you are too much trouble and there are other girls out there that don't find him as repulsive. They are out there, don't give him a reason to start looking, trust me...

You need to understand how lucky you are for having a man that put up with your garbage in the first place. I mean he is probably repulsed by you as well and with better reason, given the dramatic weight gain and the crappy attitude.
I have no advice for you, just good luck with yourself.

mollyL

I loved what you said, one of the first times I heard a woman telling another woman to be nice to her husband and to think about how she is making him feel, wow. You give me hope, your husband is a lucky guy.
 

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It isn't unusual for women to feel repulsed by sex when their child is under the age of 3. Childbirth issues, hormones, and other changes can lead to this need to avoid sexual contact. You may be suffering from post partum depression, so have that checked out.

After I gave birth to my twins I couldn't stand the smell of the air around men for about a year. It didn't' matter who, it didn't matter where. Guys just smelled bad to me, so take heart. You aren't the only woman to have these sorts of problems!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
or maybe the problem going on in your relationship is that your the one that is rude and inconsiderate and your wife is really repulsed by you as a whole. i at least treat my husband with respect and know that i would never say that leaving him is an option if he doesn't buck up and have meaningless sex because that is all that matters in a relationship. not to mention about the "garbage"/ "dramatic weight gain" have you ever had children? i did not ask for rude criticism especially disrespect. so take your poor judgments elsewhere.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
It isn't unusual for women to feel repulsed by sex when their child is under the age of 3. Childbirth issues, hormones, and other changes can lead to this need to avoid sexual contact. You may be suffering from post partum depression, so have that checked out.

After I gave birth to my twins I couldn't stand the smell of the air around men for about a year. It didn't' matter who, it didn't matter where. Guys just smelled bad to me, so take heart. You aren't he only woman to have these sorts of problems!
thank you for understanding i have been to a few doctors now and working on solutions. it is good to hear im not alone
 

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Yeah it really sounds like you treat your husband with respect. Where you respecting his wishes when you left the house and took your daughter 1200 miles away from her father or when you made him go 9 months without sex, because YOU were repulsed by his gaining 40 lbs, oh wait that was you huh.

Like I said, you should know how lucky you are that you have a man that has put up with you so far. Keep ignoring his needs though, they say you never truly appreciate something till it's gone.

You might not care to listen to my words because I do tend to be a bit harsh but another poster said it best when she said;

"Have a little sympathy for him, OK? Can you imagine how you are making HIM feel?"

You do know how to be sympathetic towards another human being, right? Or is it that you just don't care how you are making him feel?
 

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Yeah it really sounds like you treat your husband with respect. Where you respecting his wishes when you left the house and took your daughter 1200 miles away from her father or when you made him go 9 months without sex, because YOU were repulsed by his gaining 40 lbs, oh wait that was you huh.

Like I said, you should know how lucky you are that you have a man that has put up with you so far. Keep ignoring his needs though, they say you never truly appreciate something till it's gone.

You might not care to listen to my words because I do tend to be a bit harsh but another poster said it best when she said;

"Have a little sympathy for him, OK? Can you imagine how you are making HIM feel?"

You do know how to be sympathetic towards another human being, right? Or is it that you just don't care how you are making him feel?
While everyone is entitled to their opinions I really don't think you can help any at the rate you are going. From what little I have read it sounds like it could be depression, a deeper issue or the chemicals in her body still going crazy. Trying to figure out what is wrong is the key and as she said she has been going to the doctors to work on a solution.

I do agree that yes it can be and must be rough on her hubby, but relationships deal with more then just one person and while fault can be 90/10 or what ever still she is the one hoping to find a solution.

Being critical (even to the point of being blunt) is one thing as long as it is constructive.

draconis
 

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sounds like some sort of depression from the birth, you should really get checked out, but ahve a talk with the hubby about your problems and how you are feeling.

40lbs is a lot to gain, have you tried changing your eating habits and doing some sort of exercise?

I know it is tough with kids, but sometimes changing your diet and exercising helps reverse these conditions.

Best of luck
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
thanks for constructive criticism not judgment, i have gone to the doctor a couple of times for blood work but everything is coming back good. The weight issue is just another issue i am working on one month i will lose 20 lbs and the next month i will gain 15, i eat healthy and am active i beleive the weight issue is due to stress from starting a business and running a household. i do talk to the hubby constantly about situations i am going through i just dont want to hurt him and make him feel as though i am not wanting him i love him dearly i just dont want to have sex. the only solution i a can come up with is time will heal and when business eases out a little
 

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thanks for constructive criticism not judgment, i have gone to the doctor a couple of times for blood work but everything is coming back good. The weight issue is just another issue i am working on one month i will lose 20 lbs and the next month i will gain 15, i eat healthy and am active i beleive the weight issue is due to stress from starting a business and running a household. i do talk to the hubby constantly about situations i am going through i just dont want to hurt him and make him feel as though i am not wanting him i love him dearly i just dont want to have sex. the only solution i a can come up with is time will heal and when business eases out a little
Have you tried non sexual touching and intimacy?

draconis
 

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Listen hazzel22 I wish I could remember where exactly I read it (somewhere in this forum) but there was a lady that posted how sad she was that her man told her he didn't love her anymore because of her having neglecting him for 16 years.
It's probably too late for her to reverse the damage done and now that she's done being selfish and uncaring she wishes she could go back in time, but no one can go back in time.

I would just hope that my harsh words, trying to champion your mans side, can help you to admit or at least that he is a victim and an unwilling participant in this mess (regardless of the cause) and might not appreciate it and someday grow to resent you or worse.

Hate me if you wish, but be honest with yourself if you really hope for mutual happiness in your relationship.

Like someone else said, "a relationship is about two people" and just because you are the one with the possible depression or whatever, the other half of your relationship is suffering too and by your hand. I know women would like it if sex wasn't that big of a deal, but it is a bigger deal than even we might want to admit.
 
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