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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I am a man who would like some input to help me understand the way the sexes may differ in desires and boundary crossing. If I did the same things described below instead of my wife, our relationship would have serious, if not terminal, problems.

Backstory:
My wife and I have been together for 39 years, married for 36. We were each other’s first and only. I have no doubt that in the past, present, or future of our commitment we’ve both been exclusive. We raised three daughters together and the youngest is now 23. All three girls are out the house and well adjusted. A Catholic in my youth, my mom moved me on to fundamentalist churches by my early teens. In college my new GF and future wife was “very” Catholic when we met and she got me back on track with the same Catholic faith of my youth.
She made it clear that we were to be a church going, pious union. When visiting our favorite weekend getaway of New Orleans over our years together I learned early on (from her insistence) that we don’t go near the racy clubs on Bourbon Street. On one of our first outings together we were down Bourbon Street with a group of friends and she was very uncomfortable and guided me in another direction while our friends went into a strip club. We went take in other historic sites instead. I respected her for that decision and we never set foot in a strip club or anything like that afterwards. I have never been to a bar alone or danced with anyone besides her in 40 years. I was a changed person because of that decision she made that night.

The issues:
My oldest daughter had a bachelorette party three years ago. As the first daughter to marry, my wife went along with the group of wedding party ladies for a few days. When they returned I laughed at most of the stories of “the list” games they played. But when I heard of the one game where my wife followed men into the mens restroom and took pictures of men I was concerned and told her that went too far.

More recently our second daughter’s bachelorette outing was taking place. It was a week before Christmas and I remember well this second daughter of ours was not keen on her mom going originally. My wife was unhappy on not having an invite which later (reluctantly) came when another bridesmaid had to cancel and expenses needed coverage. My wife was then eager to go. Before she departed I reminded her not to do like she did on the first trip a few years earlier.

The night:
While I sat alone in a volunteer role amongst friends one evening a week before Christmas I received a simple text from my wife who was on night two of the bachelorette outing. The text was “strip club”. I replied back “we don’t do that do we?” and she replied back “do what?” I texted “like naked weenies” and a she texted, “no that comes after the drag show”. I went home and Googled “male strippers”. Not a good idea.

This recent chapter has me hurt and confused. If you’ve read the backstory, I feel we made a contract those years ago not to do these type of things. If you are familiar with the phrase “trickle truth” you will understand my concern. She finally told me she held money in air and was “forced” to touch stripper, but this was told to me after I had many sleeplessness nights knowing the first story of “nothing happened, and we’re not going to talk about it anymore” was not true. She said her head was turned away, but a video of our daughter with a stripper rubbing his leather covered sack on her up close was shared in a text that popped up that night on an device connected to my wife’s text account. I had to get serious with them all when they returned to get that deleted due to my concern of my daughter losing her job.

Do people change this much or am I missing something about my wife being in a group of young ladies and wanting to be seen as a participant in lieu of a married, older mom? Can one really forget to ask your husband before doing something like this or is she covering up some hidden desires? Can you be a good mom for a night and put aside years of Catholic education you provided for your children and not speak up and tell them this is against our moral standards? Do most women think this is just plain fun, and could a women sit in a show like that and not know that when you hold up money a male dancer is going to come to you and give you attention? I especially would like comments if you are “religious”. Is there something I should do? I am willing to be more spontaneous and fun but it seems she wants something different than me. She has apologized, but I feel a deep divide now that I need help healing from your comments.
 

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So my take -- your wife was wrong for BOTH incidents. She SHOULD NOT have gone to the strip club, PERIOD. You had that as a boundary for your marriage -- and yet SHE decided to blow it off.

If she is against it for YOU, then she needs to be against it for HER. Her being "forced" to touch the strippers -- BS.
She WANTED to do that.
Face it, she wanted to be a bit wild after so many years of NOT doing that sort of stuff. You really need to talk with her.
Tell her that YOU are going to a strip club with the guys, and she how SHE reacts. I BET she would be pissed.
You had even told her no more BS like the first incident -- again, she ignored boundaries that your marriage had.

As for THIS:
"a video of our daughter being teabagged up close was shared in a text that popped up that night on an device connected to my wife’s text account. I had to get serious with them all when they returned to get that deleted due to my concern of my daughter losing her job. "

Umm WHAT? You're afraid for her JOB? What about her poor future husband? Don't you think HE deserves to know what she got up to at her "party"? Also, how do you know your wife didn't join in with that "because she was forced to do it"? You should make sure you look at her phone, and whoever else you got that video from to see if she got up to anything else.

I certainly understand how you have NO trust in what your wife says about this. She "FINALLY" told you that she touched a stripper, but that was after badgering her. What did she NOT tell you?

I think you need to make it clear to her how much damage she did to your relationship and that you basically have zero trust in her right now.
 

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I don't like the term 'religious' but I am a Christian (husband is also a Christian) and it does seem very hypocritical of her to go to these things when she has always said before it's not right and she didn't want to go.
I would feel I had betrayed my husband if I went to a strip show. Did she know what was going to be involved before hand? I am guessing she talked to your daughter's about it?

I can fully understand you feeling let down and confused, I would be the same. I am not sure where you go from here but I wouldn't trust her to ever go to a bachelorette do again.
No she wasn't forced to do anything, she choose to. She could have just said to the group that she was going to give the strip show a miss and could have been a good example to your daughter's as well.

I do think you need to have a real heart to heart about this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I don't like the term 'religious' but I am a Christian (husband is also a Christian) and it does seem very hypocritical of her to go to these things when she has always said before it's not right and she didn't want to go.
I would feel I had betrayed my husband if I went to a strip show. Did she know what was going to be involved before hand? I am guessing she talked to your daughter's about it?

I can fully understand you feeling let down and confused, I would be the same. I am not sure where you go from here but I wouldn't trust her to ever go to a bachelorette do again.
No she wasn't forced to do anything, she choose to. She could have just said to the group that she was going to give the strip show a miss and could have been a good example to your daughter's as well.

I do think you need to have a real heart to heart about this.
She had about an hour before to let me know as others in the party did ask their BFs and SO, they also went from church to club and had to catch up with the rest of the group. She knows she won’t be trusted on any GNOs again.
 

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She had about an hour before to let me know as others in the party did ask their BFs and SO, they also went from church to club and had to catch up with the rest of the group. She knows she won’t be trusted on any GNOs again.
She went from CHURCH to a STRIP CLUB? Umm, doesn't she see the complete break of morals there?
 

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Man, that sounds actually quite tame....Having worked security in a club that was primarily a female go go club, they would also host the occasional male strippers for bachelorette parties....Practically half of the women(upper/middle class. btw) there sucked the strippers ****s as they passed by them, ,tit effed them, etc... even some of the grannies...o_O

Sorry for the graphic picture...

But really....It doesn't matter what anyone else on here thinks about it...It only matters what you think and the boundaries you and your wife have established as a couple...Do I think it's a hill you have to die on by what you posted? ....No, but what I say doesn't matter.....And I while I am sure no one was forced to do anything, I would imagine thee was a lot of "cmon, do it!" type of stuff that puts pressure on people...

At the end of the day, the ball is in your court on this..., If it's a deal breaker and if that's the case that's all that matters...
 

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Obviously you're never going to get the whole truth and as others here said you have to decide. But let's be honest, take the teabagging video, you think it stopped with teabagging? Bet your SIL would love to see that video.

As another poster has mentioned, when you work a security gig you see things. Things your wife isn't just going to open up (pun intended) about.
 

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I think there is some bad some good here. The bad is you had a boundary that she side stepped at your daughters bachelorette weekend. The good is she told you they were going before they went so I don't see this as a really horrible secretive betrayal.

Strip clubs are generally goofy cheesy places in my experience. I have been to a number with my wife and the entertainment is usually the drunken shenanigans of the audience more than the strippers themselves.

Yes people change, in her twenties my wife would have said she wouldn't be caught dead in a strip club. Late 30s early 40s she has found them entertaining and even got herself a few lap dances. We went to a place in Vegas that was a huge and had a smaller club within the complex with male dancers. They guys were mostly attractive and all but it was fairly cheesy and most of the women were mostly laughing about the whole thing. Putting a bill in a strippers G-string is far from a sexy or sexual thing in actual reality. It's usually all a big goof, the only audience members who seemed actually into the dancers in a sexual way were the gay men. Think of it like a comedy show where the comedians have very little clothing that is usually the reality in my experience. It's not like a porno where the strippers are going around getting BJs from the audience. I seriously doubt this is an activity your wife cares to participate in on a regular basis.

On the religious point, as a k-12 Catholic educated person, it's covered, you go to confession say a few Hail Mary's and all is good.

Now whens the bachelor party?
 

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I think there is some bad some good here. The bad is you had a boundary that she side stepped at your daughters bachelorette weekend. The good is she told you they were going before they went so I don't see this as a really horrible secretive betrayal.

Strip clubs are generally goofy cheesy places in my experience. I have been to a number with my wife and the entertainment is usually the drunken shenanigans of the audience more than the strippers themselves.

Yes people change, in her twenties my wife would have said she wouldn't be caught dead in a strip club. Late 30s early 40s she has found them entertaining and even got herself a few lap dances. We went to a place in Vegas that was a huge and had a smaller club within the complex with male dancers. They guys were mostly attractive and all but it was fairly cheesy and most of the women were mostly laughing about the whole thing. Putting a bill in a strippers G-string is far from a sexy or sexual thing in actual reality. It's usually all a big goof, the only audience members who seemed actually into the dancers in a sexual way were the gay men. Think of it like a comedy show where the comedians have very little clothing that is usually the reality in my experience. It's not like a porno where the strippers are going around getting BJs from the audience. I seriously doubt this is an activity your wife cares to participate in on a regular basis.

On the religious point, as a k-12 Catholic educated person, it's covered, you go to confession say a few Hail Mary's and all is good.

Now whens the bachelor party?

I think what you are talking about is an "open" strip club, where all patrons go in and out....The stuff I mentioned earlier was done in a private room in the back of the club....Just like no one really touches the strippers in the open club, in the back room it was just about anything goes(male or female),,,believe me, what happened in the bachelor parties was far more explicit......Bear in mind though, that was before cell phone cameras came into use...I would imagine it would be harder with everyone carrying a cell phone ready to film a person at their worst moment...maybe it's tamer because of that? I dunno..

I'd imagine the OP's family had one of these "private room" deals...but I dunno...
 

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i would take it as a positive thing: that your wife in her advance years is getting hornier and kinkier! She is willing to try out stuff that twenty years ago would have been taboo.

sounds like you need to up your game in the bedroom
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
So my take -- your wife was wrong for BOTH incidents. She SHOULD NOT have gone to the strip club, PERIOD. You had that as a boundary for your marriage -- and yet SHE decided to blow it off.

If she is against it for YOU, then she needs to be against it for HER. Her being "forced" to touch the strippers -- BS.
She WANTED to do that.
Face it, she wanted to be a bit wild after so many years of NOT doing that sort of stuff. You really need to talk with her.
Tell her that YOU are going to a strip club with the guys, and she how SHE reacts. I BET she would be pissed.

You had even told her no more BS like the first incident -- again, she ignored boundaries that your marriage had.

As for THIS:
"a video of our daughter being teabagged up close was shared in a text that popped up that night on an device connected to my wife’s text account. I had to get serious with them all when they returned to get that deleted due to my concern of my daughter losing her job. "

Umm WHAT? You're afraid for her JOB? What about her poor future husband? Don't you think HE deserves to know what she got up to at her "party"? Also, how do you know your wife didn't join in with that "because she was forced to do it"? You should make sure you look at her phone, and whoever else you got that video from to see if she got up to anything else.

I certainly understand how you have NO trust in what your wife says about this. She "FINALLY" told you that she touched a stripper, but that was after badgering her. What did she NOT tell you?

I think you need to make it clear to her how much damage she did to your relationship and that you basically have zero trust in her right now.
I think there is some bad some good here. The bad is you had a boundary that she side stepped at your daughters bachelorette weekend. The good is she told you they were going before they went so I don't see this as a really horrible secretive betrayal.

Strip clubs are generally goofy cheesy places in my experience. I have been to a number with my wife and the entertainment is usually the drunken shenanigans of the audience more than the strippers themselves.

Yes people change, in her twenties my wife would have said she wouldn't be caught dead in a strip club. Late 30s early 40s she has found them entertaining and even got herself a few lap dances. We went to a place in Vegas that was a huge and had a smaller club within the complex with male dancers. They guys were mostly attractive and all but it was fairly cheesy and most of the women were mostly laughing about the whole thing. Putting a bill in a strippers G-string is far from a sexy or sexual thing in actual reality. It's usually all a big goof, the only audience members who seemed actually into the dancers in a sexual way were the gay men. Think of it like a comedy show where the comedians have very little clothing that is usually the reality in my experience. It's not like a porno where the strippers are going around getting BJs from the audience. I seriously doubt this is an activity your wife cares to participate in on a regular basis.

On the religious point, as a k-12 Catholic educated person, it's covered, you go to confession say a few Hail Mary's and all is good.

Now whens the bachelor party?
I think you hit a lot of good points about change. No, she told me once she was at strip club and couldn’t leave. She went to confession the day she got home😞
 

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I think what you are talking about is an "open" strip club, where all patrons go in and out....The stuff I mentioned earlier was done in a private room in the back of the club....Just like no one really touches the strippers in the open club, in the back room it was just about anything goes(male or female),,,believe me, what happened in the bachelor parties was far more explicit......

I'd imagine the OP's family had one of these "private room" deals...but I dunno...
What you describe must be at pretty sketchy club, these things happen but any major city has vice cops in the clubs and the place would be shut down quick or fined heavily. Even up in Montreal where the rules are much more lax than in the states I know at least one major club have been shut down for allowing more aggressive touching as it falls under prostitution laws.
 

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What you describe must be at pretty sketchy club, these things happen but any major city has vice cops in the clubs and the place would be shut down quick or fined heavily. Even up in Montreal where the rules are much more lax than in the states I know at least one major club have been shut down for allowing more aggressive touching as it falls under prostitution laws.
This was more than 30 years ago.,..Quite frankly, I think I only set foot in a strip club one other time since then on a business trip.>Could things be different nowadays? Sure...

And bear in mind, these were considered "private parties"...I don't know the rules and laws,and I know a lot of strip club owners back then had the local PD in their pockets.....if you get my drift....
 

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She had about an hour before to let me know as others in the party did ask their BFs and SO, they also went from church to club and had to catch up with the rest of the group. She knows she won’t be trusted on any GNOs again.
So she didn't think to ask God if it was a good idea? 🤔
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
She had about an hour before to let me know as others in the party did ask their BFs and SO, they also went from church to club and had to catch up with the rest of the group. She knows she won’t be trusted on any GNOs again.
She had time to let me know, but she did not let me know until she was there and “unable” to leave.
 

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She had about an hour before to let me know as others in the party did ask their BFs and SO, they also went from church to club and had to catch up with the rest of the group. She knows she won’t be trusted on any GNOs again.
She let you know but didn't want you to stop her. Did she ask you if you were ok about her going?

My husband once asked his ex wife not to do something that he knew wouldn't be a good idea. She ignored him and it had all sorts of negative repercussions as he knew it would.
 

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Religion or not, society has gone for a ****. People have low morals and no shame. It was your wife who was responsible for the "no strip club" rule you had in your marriage all those years. Somewhere along the line she changed her mind. And she purposely only let you know when it was "too late" and she couldn't leave. ********. She could have left one minute after going in there. She could have not gone in there.

I'd be super pissed, because it was her own rule she broke.

Have fun at the bachelor party.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Religion or not, society has gone for a . People have low morals and no shame. It was your wife who was responsible for the "no strip club" rule you had in your marriage all those years. Somewhere along the line she changed her mind. And she purposely only let you know when it was "too late" and she couldn't leave. ****. She could have left one minute after going in there. She could have not gone in there.

I'd be super pissed, because it was her own rule she broke.

Have fun at the bachelor party.
I think you hit the nail on the head on the way I feel about social morals. Too bad the SIL did not want a bachelor party, and as the FIL, I wouldn’t have been invited anyway. I truly have no desire to see female strippers. I find them sad and broken. Not saying I don’t mind watching sexually explicit R movie scenes with my wife. It’s different if it’s done together.
 

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She had time to let me know, but she did not let me know until she was there and “unable” to leave.
I doubt anything really bad happened, but your wife is such a hypocritical liar, who knows.
What I would do is get in your truck, drive to the nearest strip club with a single guy buddy, and head to the strip club. Get forced to touch the strippers. Get forced to do all kinds of things. And go home and don’t tell your wife ANYTHING.

you need to make a major statement that what’s good for the goose……

Did I mention your wife is untrustworthy?
That she expects piety on your end, and while she heads off to wild strip clubs and LoVES bachelorette parties? Oh, and you are acting like a whipped puppy when you should be laughing in her face while you go to a strip club, not because you feel the need, or want to, but because your wife needs to learn a lesson in worry, in loyalty, in the value of trust, etc.

If you rugsweep this like you have multiple times in the past, don’t worry, there will be more dirt to sweep. Just my opinion.

btw, I’m not perfect. I’ve been to a strip club. I enjoyed it. But I know it’s wrong and didn’t while married. I also think it’s trashy. And I think the kind of people that throw these events for women….. it would be an instant dealbreaker for me if I found out about it should I choose to consider marriage again because it shows the bride’s morals as well as her close friend’s…
Tea bagged at her bachelorette party by a stripper—- shameful. Poor guy who marries her….. his problem.

I didn’t have a bachelor party nor did I want one, and wouldn’t throw that kind, nor did my best friend want that nonsense.
your wife should be totally ashamed. She isn’t. How can I say that? Well, she couldn’t wait to go to her second bachelorette party, that’s why.

My trust would be totally shaken.
 

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This was more than 30 years ago.,..Quite frankly, I think I only set foot in a strip club one other time since then on a business trip.>Could things be different nowadays? Sure...

And bear in mind, these were considered "private parties"...I don't know the rules and laws,and I know a lot of strip club owners back then had the local PD in their pockets.....if you get my drift....
Agreed, a lot of times these parties are at normal venues, not always strip clubs because as you said they are "private". It does shine a light on a darker side of human nature and we would like to think that nobody we know would ever do anything like this...........it's always those "other people".
 
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