I am a man who would like some input to help me understand the way the sexes may differ in desires and boundary crossing. If I did the same things described below instead of my wife, our relationship would have serious, if not terminal, problems.
Backstory:
My wife and I have been together for 39 years, married for 36. We were each other’s first and only. I have no doubt that in the past, present, or future of our commitment we’ve both been exclusive. We raised three daughters together and the youngest is now 23. All three girls are out the house and well adjusted. A Catholic in my youth, my mom moved me on to fundamentalist churches by my early teens. In college my new GF and future wife was “very” Catholic when we met and she got me back on track with the same Catholic faith of my youth.
She made it clear that we were to be a church going, pious union. When visiting our favorite weekend getaway of New Orleans over our years together I learned early on (from her insistence) that we don’t go near the racy clubs on Bourbon Street. On one of our first outings together we were down Bourbon Street with a group of friends and she was very uncomfortable and guided me in another direction while our friends went into a strip club. We went take in other historic sites instead. I respected her for that decision and we never set foot in a strip club or anything like that afterwards. I have never been to a bar alone or danced with anyone besides her in 40 years. I was a changed person because of that decision she made that night.
The issues:
My oldest daughter had a bachelorette party three years ago. As the first daughter to marry, my wife went along with the group of wedding party ladies for a few days. When they returned I laughed at most of the stories of “the list” games they played. But when I heard of the one game where my wife followed men into the mens restroom and took pictures of men I was concerned and told her that went too far.
More recently our second daughter’s bachelorette outing was taking place. It was a week before Christmas and I remember well this second daughter of ours was not keen on her mom going originally. My wife was unhappy on not having an invite which later (reluctantly) came when another bridesmaid had to cancel and expenses needed coverage. My wife was then eager to go. Before she departed I reminded her not to do like she did on the first trip a few years earlier.
The night:
While I sat alone in a volunteer role amongst friends one evening a week before Christmas I received a simple text from my wife who was on night two of the bachelorette outing. The text was “strip club”. I replied back “we don’t do that do we?” and she replied back “do what?” I texted “like naked weenies” and a she texted, “no that comes after the drag show”. I went home and Googled “male strippers”. Not a good idea.
This recent chapter has me hurt and confused. If you’ve read the backstory, I feel we made a contract those years ago not to do these type of things. If you are familiar with the phrase “trickle truth” you will understand my concern. She finally told me she held money in air and was “forced” to touch stripper, but this was told to me after I had many sleeplessness nights knowing the first story of “nothing happened, and we’re not going to talk about it anymore” was not true. She said her head was turned away, but a video of our daughter with a stripper rubbing his leather covered sack on her up close was shared in a text that popped up that night on an device connected to my wife’s text account. I had to get serious with them all when they returned to get that deleted due to my concern of my daughter losing her job.
Do people change this much or am I missing something about my wife being in a group of young ladies and wanting to be seen as a participant in lieu of a married, older mom? Can one really forget to ask your husband before doing something like this or is she covering up some hidden desires? Can you be a good mom for a night and put aside years of Catholic education you provided for your children and not speak up and tell them this is against our moral standards? Do most women think this is just plain fun, and could a women sit in a show like that and not know that when you hold up money a male dancer is going to come to you and give you attention? I especially would like comments if you are “religious”. Is there something I should do? I am willing to be more spontaneous and fun but it seems she wants something different than me. She has apologized, but I feel a deep divide now that I need help healing from your comments.
Backstory:
My wife and I have been together for 39 years, married for 36. We were each other’s first and only. I have no doubt that in the past, present, or future of our commitment we’ve both been exclusive. We raised three daughters together and the youngest is now 23. All three girls are out the house and well adjusted. A Catholic in my youth, my mom moved me on to fundamentalist churches by my early teens. In college my new GF and future wife was “very” Catholic when we met and she got me back on track with the same Catholic faith of my youth.
She made it clear that we were to be a church going, pious union. When visiting our favorite weekend getaway of New Orleans over our years together I learned early on (from her insistence) that we don’t go near the racy clubs on Bourbon Street. On one of our first outings together we were down Bourbon Street with a group of friends and she was very uncomfortable and guided me in another direction while our friends went into a strip club. We went take in other historic sites instead. I respected her for that decision and we never set foot in a strip club or anything like that afterwards. I have never been to a bar alone or danced with anyone besides her in 40 years. I was a changed person because of that decision she made that night.
The issues:
My oldest daughter had a bachelorette party three years ago. As the first daughter to marry, my wife went along with the group of wedding party ladies for a few days. When they returned I laughed at most of the stories of “the list” games they played. But when I heard of the one game where my wife followed men into the mens restroom and took pictures of men I was concerned and told her that went too far.
More recently our second daughter’s bachelorette outing was taking place. It was a week before Christmas and I remember well this second daughter of ours was not keen on her mom going originally. My wife was unhappy on not having an invite which later (reluctantly) came when another bridesmaid had to cancel and expenses needed coverage. My wife was then eager to go. Before she departed I reminded her not to do like she did on the first trip a few years earlier.
The night:
While I sat alone in a volunteer role amongst friends one evening a week before Christmas I received a simple text from my wife who was on night two of the bachelorette outing. The text was “strip club”. I replied back “we don’t do that do we?” and she replied back “do what?” I texted “like naked weenies” and a she texted, “no that comes after the drag show”. I went home and Googled “male strippers”. Not a good idea.
This recent chapter has me hurt and confused. If you’ve read the backstory, I feel we made a contract those years ago not to do these type of things. If you are familiar with the phrase “trickle truth” you will understand my concern. She finally told me she held money in air and was “forced” to touch stripper, but this was told to me after I had many sleeplessness nights knowing the first story of “nothing happened, and we’re not going to talk about it anymore” was not true. She said her head was turned away, but a video of our daughter with a stripper rubbing his leather covered sack on her up close was shared in a text that popped up that night on an device connected to my wife’s text account. I had to get serious with them all when they returned to get that deleted due to my concern of my daughter losing her job.
Do people change this much or am I missing something about my wife being in a group of young ladies and wanting to be seen as a participant in lieu of a married, older mom? Can one really forget to ask your husband before doing something like this or is she covering up some hidden desires? Can you be a good mom for a night and put aside years of Catholic education you provided for your children and not speak up and tell them this is against our moral standards? Do most women think this is just plain fun, and could a women sit in a show like that and not know that when you hold up money a male dancer is going to come to you and give you attention? I especially would like comments if you are “religious”. Is there something I should do? I am willing to be more spontaneous and fun but it seems she wants something different than me. She has apologized, but I feel a deep divide now that I need help healing from your comments.
