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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My boyfriend of 9 years made the decision that he will no longer ask or initiate sex. He said we can engage if I ask for it, I feel very relieved by this. I am not a HD person, I am not sure I ever really was. In the beginning we had a lot of sex, but we were horny teenagers, 2 kids later we are down to about 3-4 times a month. I would be happy with once a month. He wants it about 5 times a week. The only reason why it is 3-4 times a month and not less, is becasue I want to keep the peace.

He says that he doesn't even enjoy it anymore because he knows that I am noy enjoying it. I tell him that even though I don't need it as often as him, I do it becasue I know he wants it. That is not good enough for him. He says he wants me to want it, well I don't, and I can't make myself want it.

I know it is not fair to him, my focus is on the kids and not on him anymore. I told him I would be ok with him getting a girlfriend on the side. Though he does have someone in mind, he hasn't taken me up on the offer. Unfortunatly for him that someone is an 18 year old college student who recently moved 4 hours a way to attend school. So he probably won't have much luck with her.

People talk all the time about how sex is this emotional, spiritual, magical connection between two people. I must be wired wrong. When I have sex with him, I don't get all warm and fuzzy inside, I don't feel closer to him, in fact the opposite is true. I get more and more angry and more and more bitter. The resentment grows a little more each time. :confused:

Our lease is ending in 4 months so we need to figure out if we will continue to live together or move into 2 seperate places. I just don't kow what to do.
 

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I hate to say it but it sounds like there is trouble on the horizon. The girlfriend on the side thing really concerns me; are you really prepared for that? What is it about this relationship that makes it worth it for you?

Most disconcerting is your comment:

When I have sex with him, I don't get all warm and fuzzy inside, I don't feel closer to him, in fact the opposite is true. I get more and more angry and more and more bitter. The resentment grows a little more each time.

Is this because of him or because of you? Even if you don't have a high sex drive, which is perfectly ok ... THIS is not a healthy reaction. I would seek counseling on this issue outside of this forum and talk it out; you might be surprised when you discover why you feel this way.

I'm not sure it is healthy for the two of you to continue to go down this path. You have two children and I'm assuming they are with him ... my instinct is to shield the children from potential instability that going down this path might result in, even if that means living apart from their father.
 

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You two shouldn't be together. Period. You deserve to be with someone whose sexual desires will match your own, and not cause resentment, and he deserves to be with a women who gives a damn.

I used to not be see to harsh and cynical about these sorts of situations, but not anymore. If you're not sexually compatible, you shouldn't be together.
 

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Why are you two still together???
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.
 

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You've established that there is no requirement or expectation for either of you to concern yourselves with the needs of the other. He can't trust you to give what he needs and consequently, you have no right to expect that he will do anything for you. The agreement then, is one to share expenses until the lease runs out? These kids have parents who feel no particular obligation to each other? A decision to deny your "boyfriend"'s reasonable needs is a choice that your kids will likely be raised in poverty, that they will grow up without their father in the home, that they will subsequently achieve less academically and will be much more inclined to get into trouble. The world was designed to turn a particular way for a reason....because it works. You claim to love your "boyfriend" but you're content to watch him suffer as long as you're not inconvenienced. That's not love or anything remotely in the same zipcode. Love looks like putting another's needs above your own...probably the way you deal with your kids. If your kids are hungry but you aren't, do you still feed them or do you tell them to go to the neighbor lady and ask for something? Either you're in a committed relationship or not. "Committed" means you do what has to be done, especially when you don't feel like it. Your boyfriend can randomly pick any woman on the face of the earth and expect any would commit to doing what they felt like on the days they felt like it. That's not a commitment at all.
 

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We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.
You're a SAHM? How old are the kids?

Sorry, I'm in agreement with C2W. I am a SAHM with three kids. We have three. I just don't understand when women use the excuse that having sex is just too much after having kids. I don't get it. We even co-slept with all of our kids, and STILL found time for sex every other night. It wasn't until recently that it dropped to the range you mentioned....and it isn't me who doesn't want sex. It's him, because of his medications. So, I really don't see how it's so draining...sorry, I just don't.
 

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Well, I don't agree that a wife should lay down and take it even if she has no desire to do so. Nor do I think a man should want to continue to have sex with someone who is obviously forcing them self into it. But I do agree that you two are obviously not compatible in the sex area and you two need to determine whether or not that is a deal breaker.
Offering him the chance with another women baffles me though. Your giving him only part of the package and you want him to get the rest somewhere else? What if she gives him the whole package and he decided to discard the incomplete deal for the whole one?
I am also a SAHM and full time student and we have sex average twice a week. If I don't feel like it I am NOT doing it. I don't think your energy level from the kids is the whole story and I do think you two need to consider breaking up.
 

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You're a SAHM? How old are the kids?

Sorry, I'm in agreement with C2W. I am a SAHM with three kids. We have three. I just don't understand when women use the excuse that having sex is just too much after having kids. I don't get it. We even co-slept with all of our kids, and STILL found time for sex every other night. It wasn't until recently that it dropped to the range you mentioned....and it isn't me who doesn't want sex. It's him, because of his medications. So, I really don't see how it's so draining...sorry, I just don't.
I tell my wife all the time "you make time for what is important to you". excuses are nothing but excuses and carry no weight with me. It's insulting!!
 

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We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.
Before anything can change, your attitude has to change. That you are "relieved" that you "don't have to have sex anymore" is astonishingly sad to me. You're relieved that you have put your husband in an impossible situation? That you have resentment and feel further away from him the more you have sex, while he feels further away from you when you don't...these attitudes need to change before any progress can be made. It's not a matter of just laying there and taking one for the team.

I pity your boyfriend. It's honorable that you say you want to change, but that change is going to be harsh. Your entire mentality about sex is going to have to change. This isn't an easy task you're about to take on. As hard as it may be, I think the best thing would be for the two of you to split. It's unfortunate, but honestly, unless you're willing to change a lot of things about yourself, I don't see a happy ending here. At all.
 

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We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.
I am having trouble understanding how in love the two of you are if you are willing to let him have sex with another woman and he is more than happy to agree. I think if I were him and I was in love with you then as tempting as it may sound, I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to hurt you ... and no matter how convincing you may be that you don't have a problem with it, I wouldn't buy it. That's just me. For some, sex seems to be just something you do to have fun and can compartmentalize that way. A one-night stand I could think of that way but you are talking about someone filling in for you so that he gets his "needs" met and you don't have to have sex with him. As far as this other woman who he is allowed to have sex with ... it is hard to imagine a woman who would have sex with him on a regular basis who wouldn't eventually have an emotional interest.

As much as I hate the idea of children living without their father, your sexual incompatibility seems like it is going to be a huge problem. You don't deserve to be required to have sex if you don't want to ... nobody can tell you that. I have never believed that a woman has that obligation ... it's up to her. Seems to me that if that isn't suitable to him then he has a big decision to make if you don't make it for him.
 

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We are together because we have built a life together, we have two beautiful kids together, and we do love each other. We obviously have serious issues that we need to work out, which is why I am on this site. I don't want to just give up on the relationship. I want it to work, but we are just stuck. He likes sex, I don't. I don't know, maybe I can learn to enjoy it again. Staying home with kids all day every day as really drained me. Something has got to give.
This really screams depression, and maybe a history of abuse. It's not about your actual energy level, but just rigid thinking and an inability to change.

Are you on any medication? Anti-depressants? They can really zero out your libido.

You're getting piled on a little bit here, but the reason it's hard for people to understand is because it's not really a natural, biological reaction to not like sex. Our bodies are designed to respond to it (that's why it feels so good, and why it creates these amazing emotional connections in our mind). The urge to have sex is in a primal part of our brain, one that receives stimulus before the rational part of our minds has had a chance to process it.

There is such a thing as a person with a low sex drive, but more often than not there's an underlying reason and it deserves to be addressed. If you really want your relationship to survive you need to see a Doctor and a therapist. Sex is fun, it has amazing effects on our bodies, our hormones, our stress levels and our ability to think clearly. If you're not enjoying it then that's a symptom of a larger problem, and if that problem isn't addressed your relationship will probably end. I don't know what hope there is for someone who wants sex a lot of the time but is with someone who doesn't want it at all. He'll cheat, or he'll leave you. Someday, somewhere your world of 'no' will be replaced by someone who is a world of 'yes'.

I wish you the best. You deserve to love sex, it really is a ripping good time.
 

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This really screams depression, and maybe a history of abuse. It's not about your actual energy level, but just rigid thinking and an inability to change.

Are you on any medication? Anti-depressants? They can really zero out your libido.

You're getting piled on a little bit here, but the reason it's hard for people to understand is because it's not really a natural, biological reaction to not like sex. Our bodies are designed to respond to it (that's why it feels so good, and why it creates these amazing emotional connections in our mind). The urge to have sex is in a primal part of our brain, one that receives stimulus before the rational part of our minds has had a chance to process it.

There is such a thing as a person with a low sex drive, but more often than not there's an underlying reason and it deserves to be addressed. If you really want your relationship to survive you need to see a Doctor and a therapist. Sex is fun, it has amazing effects on our bodies, our hormones, our stress levels and our ability to think clearly. If you're not enjoying it then that's a symptom of a larger problem, and if that problem isn't addressed your relationship will probably end. I don't know what hope there is for someone who wants sex a lot of the time but is with someone who doesn't want it at all. He'll cheat, or he'll leave you. Someday, somewhere your world of 'no' will be replaced by someone who is a world of 'yes'.

I wish you the best. You deserve to love sex, it really is a ripping good time.
I don't think she should be piled on for not liking sex. She very well may have a low sex drive and that's ok. I also think that she should try to figure out why through counseling mostly because of her reaction to having sex with her boyfriend but at the end of the day, she isn't obligated to have sex with her boyfriend or enjoy sex when she does. I would want to eliminate the possibility of any unresolved issues that may affect other areas of her life. I do think if they continue the path they are on, the relationship will fail. Hope not.
 

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This really screams depression, and maybe a history of abuse. It's not about your actual energy level, but just rigid thinking and an inability to change.

Are you on any medication? Anti-depressants? They can really zero out your libido.

You're getting piled on a little bit here, but the reason it's hard for people to understand is because it's not really a natural, biological reaction to not like sex. Our bodies are designed to respond to it (that's why it feels so good, and why it creates these amazing emotional connections in our mind). The urge to have sex is in a primal part of our brain, one that receives stimulus before the rational part of our minds has had a chance to process it.

There is such a thing as a person with a low sex drive, but more often than not there's an underlying reason and it deserves to be addressed. If you really want your relationship to survive you need to see a Doctor and a therapist. Sex is fun, it has amazing effects on our bodies, our hormones, our stress levels and our ability to think clearly. If you're not enjoying it then that's a symptom of a larger problem, and if that problem isn't addressed your relationship will probably end. I don't know what hope there is for someone who wants sex a lot of the time but is with someone who doesn't want it at all. He'll cheat, or he'll leave you. Someday, somewhere your world of 'no' will be replaced by someone who is a world of 'yes'.

I wish you the best. You deserve to love sex, it really is a ripping good time.
I agree with everything written here, especially the bold parts.
 

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I don't think she should be piled on for not liking sex. She very well may have a low sex drive and that's ok. I also think that she should try to figure out why through counseling mostly because of her reaction to having sex with her boyfriend but at the end of the day, she isn't obligated to have sex with her boyfriend or enjoy sex when she does. I would want to eliminate the possibility of any unresolved issues that may affect other areas of her life. I do think if they continue the path they are on, the relationship will fail. Hope not.
I agree. If she does not want sex, she should not have to have it. But then she also cannot expect her bf to stay around because he has a need for sex.

They both have needs and rights.
 

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RandomGirl,

Your low/no sex drive can be caused by a few things. Two that come to mind is that he is not meeting your needs and/or hormonal imbalances.

See a doctor and have your hormone levels checked. If they are low or out of wack, there might be help for you.

You do not seem to be happy with your life. You say that you are tired after being home with children all the time. Do you get the help you need from your bf when he's not at work? Do you two get date nights? How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing things that you both enjoy? This all comes down to if you are getting your needs met or not. If you are not, your sex drive will plumit. Eventually your love for him will as well.

Telling him that he can get sex else where is not such a hot idea since he will most likely bond with his sex partner and leave you.

I can understand why he told you that he does not want sex with you anymore. It has most likely been very hurtful to him. He's given up.
 

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Look at this, you said you don't have to have sex anymore but your boyfriend love sex do you really think he is going to be happy with 3-4 times a month and he know you hate it. ,he might be on another board right now talking about he is in a sexless relationship.I can see no way he could be happy he has just given up with this situatian.

I am with other on here in saying you need to go find a low sex drive person and he needs to find somebody that fits him or have an open marraige if you just want to be roommates who take care of kids together.

You need to start figure of finances and getting other things in order so you are both prepared for the future apart,because do you think it will be a great envionment to raise kids if you are bitter and even if he says he will not be he ill be inside.
 
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