[Dyokemm]

Our two young sons and even younger daughter are my purposes. One day when they're older, they will see her for who she is. And to think she would call me he 'soul-mate'.

The first couple of months following the separation, I re-found old hobbies. I went to counseling. I was put on anti-depressants. I avoided and ignored the woman like the plague, her non-stop tears, and texts. I was fueled by hurt and anger. I continually looked for the other guy. I wanted to hurt him bad. For over a year I KNEW something was up with this coworker of hers. She would make me so stupid for bringing it up though. She made me look like an idiot to her friends and co-workers, telling them I was unstable and emotionally abusive for my witchhunt. I backed off but became very perceptive and armed myself with info on how to catch cheaters. Her over-protection of her stupid phone was the smoking gun. I was done. Exhausted. Felt bi-polar.
But I've seen my boys hurt and perplexed over the months. That kills. I've lost the zest for life, for love, it seems, and now just sit around when not at work. But you are right...it's all about FOCUS.

Infidelity can level even the strongest.
For months now she has seemed so happy dressing like a hooker and pursuing other dudes. I doubt she ever really changed because who she is now I barely recognize. But of course I'm the one who rejected her, so this is what I get.

Remember that last statement of hers about ‘this is what you get’.

When you finally start seeing someone else, my prediction is your WW is going to get very upset, might even attempt to get you to try a R with her again.

Your response should be a simple repetition of her own words back if this happens:

“You wanted to go out and screw other men,,,,,this is what you get.”

 

[Sauvie Island]

Yes, I get that. If I really wanted to stick it to her, I could go find an attractive woman, flaunt her around, take her to birthday parties...and I'm sure that day will come. I also know a new little honey in life would help me to forget about a lot of crap I've been dealing with.
But that, for now, is not the best answer.

The answer for now lies somewhere in the murk of me learning to deal with these issues and becoming stronger through it all. Anything short of that is simply reactive, with her dictating my moves.

So yes, Farside, that book looks intriguing and I will be grabbing a copy very soon. I'm glad to have stumbled upon this forum.

 

[bandit.45]

You got your heart broken my friend. You married a woman who misrepresented who she was. She is a promiscuous, immoral person... period. That is not a reflection on you or your qualities as a man.

Look, you could have been David Beckam with a nine inch rod, a $5million a year salary, and a PhD in astrophysics and she still would have cheated on you. She's a cheater. It is what she is.

Rejoice that you divorced her, and use the hard-earned wisdom you have gleaned from this experience to find a decent, kind and moral woman next time. Getting over heartbreak just takes a lot of time. You need to go full blackout on her. You should only speak with her where it involves the kids. Text her and do not talk to her in person unless it is absolutely necessary. If you had joint friends with her, get rid of them. Get rid of anything and everything that reminds you of her. Stop following her on social media. Block her on everything except texts.

 

[Mrs. John Adams]

There is a lot of great advice in this thread...mostly I want to add something from another perspective.

I think most betrayed spouses continue to blame themselves...and question themselves....and it is really important that you understand. Her affairs...her behavior...her choices....her flaws....have nothing to do with you. It truly is all about her. There is most likely nothing you could have done to change her choice. You don't understand this...because you have never been that selfish. A cheater is so self absorbed...that they cannot see beyond themselves. They are living in a fantasy that only includes a vision they have created in their own minds. Some...snap out of it...figure out how it happened...and try to become better people. and some...like your wife...continue to spiral further and further into themselves...using and destroying others who are in their path.

We only have control over one person...ourselves. You are taking the right steps toward healing...you are taking control of your own destiny. Good for you. You are still grieving for what should have been...what could have been...give yourself time...and in the meantime...become selfish...not in a bad way...in a positive way. Put your wants and needs first...do everything you can to be the best person, the best dad, the best son, the best neighbor. Concentrate on the things that are important. If you fill your mind and heart with positive thoughts...there will no longer be any room for thoughts of her....because the only positive thing about her...is the fact that she bore your children.

I am sorry you have had to deal with this..it isn't fair...but I believe you will be just fine without her.

 

[SentHereForAReason]

There is a lot of great advice in this thread...mostly I want to add something from another perspective.

I think most betrayed spouses continue to blame themselves...and question themselves....and it is really important that you understand. Her affairs...her behavior...her choices....her flaws....have nothing to do with you. It truly is all about her. There is most likely nothing you could have done to change her choice. You don't understand this...because you have never been that selfish. A cheater is so self absorbed...that they cannot see beyond themselves. They are living in a fantasy that only includes a vision they have created in their own minds. Some...snap out of it...figure out how it happened...and try to become better people. and some...like your wife...continue to spiral further and further into themselves...using and destroying others who are in their path.

We only have control over one person...ourselves. You are taking the right steps toward healing...you are taking control of your own destiny. Good for you. You are still grieving for what should have been...what could have been...give yourself time...and in the meantime...become selfish...not in a bad way...in a positive way. Put your wants and needs first...do everything you can to be the best person, the best dad, the best son, the best neighbor. Concentrate on the things that are important. If you fill your mind and heart with positive thoughts...there will no longer be any room for thoughts of her....because the only positive thing about her...is the fact that she bore your children.

I am sorry you have had to deal with this..it isn't fair...but I believe you will be just fine without her.

I needed this post, this morning the day after my Divorce. Even though she cheated (at least twice with same guy) 2009 and 2017-????, there could of been others, etc and was a despicable human being to be over the last year, after 18 years together. Even through all of that, I still question everyday of my life what I could have done better. The words that she echoed of what she needed, what she needed me to do, what she told me to do, still ring in my head. Everyone, including my counselor, lawyer, family, friends, EVERYONE, has told me this was not my fault, there's nothing I could have done to prevent her from doing this but it's just type of person I am. I still think about what ifs, what I could have done better.

I walked out of the county building, pulled off my ring as it was now official and am as determined as ever to go out and show the world what I'm capable of, without saying a word, just going out and doing it but it's still damn cold, that someone I dedicated my life to, could sit there in the courtroom without remorse, without a care, just indifferent and smiling with the thought she is finally doing something for herself and after a lifetime of trying to find out what would actually make her happy, she thinks she is the right path toward it .....

 

[Mrs. John Adams]

She most likely will continue to self destruct....because if your divorcing her did not make her wake up..it will take a tragedy of another magnitude to make her see what she has done. We have all seen those people who get on a self destructive path and make the same bad choices over and over...and we sit back scratching our heads thinking...don't you see what you are doing?

The sad part is...she is the mother of your children so there will always be a part of you that cares...especially because you want your kids to have a decent and good mother...and as long as she remains the center of her own world...she is not being the best mother she can be.

Which is why you need to be the best you that you can possibly be. Someday...if and when she wakes up form her fantasy world...she will understand what she threw away...especially if you don't allow her to have any more dominion over you. If you stay positive...if you make the very best of the situation....it will show her that she is truly no longer relevant in your life. See...cheaters...are not only selfish...they think they are powerful. Take back your power and take charge of your life and no longer allow her to have any power over you. The best revenge...is becoming the best person we can be.

 

[Sauvie Island]

Well said, I couldn't agree more.

And sorry for all you are dealing with 'stillfightingforus'.

 

[BruceBanner]

Are you even sure those are your children @Sauvie Island?

 

[Sauvie Island]

That's a very good question, and one I have thought of...as well as others close to me in my life.
But short answer: It wouldn't matter. So I've passed on looking into that.
Financially, concerning child support, it would. But they will forever be my kids regardless and loved as such.

 

[BobSimmons]

Yes, I get that. If I really wanted to stick it to her, I could go find an attractive woman, flaunt her around, take her to birthday parties...and I'm sure that day will come. I also know a new little honey in life would help me to forget about a lot of crap I've been dealing with.
But that, for now, is not the best answer.

The answer for now lies somewhere in the murk of me learning to deal with these issues and becoming stronger through it all. Anything short of that is simply reactive, with her dictating my moves.

So yes, Farside, that book looks intriguing and I will be grabbing a copy very soon. I'm glad to have stumbled upon this forum.

Absolutely "deal with issues" but don't shut yourself off in a dark room under the guise of I can't date because I had my heart broken.

Absolutely don't fall into another long term relationship, but you're a man with feelings, so why not date casually and for fun?

You are divorced and maybe for a while it will seem a bit weird but by all means get social again and why not?

 

[arbitrator]

This past year I have failed at that.

Around a year ago I finally cornered my wife and slowly got the confession, of course, the trickled one. I suspected it forever but was made to feel like an idiot. We have kids. But I moved out. She begged and pleaded over the next five months for me to come back. Re-found religion. etc. I was too angry, too hurt. The hideousness of her crimes against us and myself I couldn't overcome. I still live in an apartment across town, and try to see the kids when I can. I've remained single to this day. She, not so much. After a while, she realized I was serious about divorce. I was hurting badly. Lost most of what I had. Unstable. Missed my kids. Missed our former life when I thought things were good. Camping, etc. Suddenly, she's sexually active again, like overnight. I'm dropped like a hot potato. I find out of other affairs she had in her previous marriage. I never knew. It's like after 12 years of marriage, I really don't know this woman. I really, really, really thought I did. She lied to me for 2 years, the last two years we were together, about her affair. Then after bawling her eyes out for half a year to get me back, does a 180 in the wrong direction.

My question. Why do her actions still gut me? I know she's sexually active. I hate that.
But, I hate her as well. She disgusts me within this new context. I could never trust her again. The mother of my children.
But I have done nothing but flounder, lose my life, my job, almost self-destruct.
Dare I say I feel jealousy? The angry kind. And the loneliness robs me of any peace. She seems happy and carefree, I the opposite. Fair?

Is this all normal?:|

Your reactions, @Sauvie Island ~ are all perfectly normal!

It's not you! It's the blatant and callous betrayal that was so unceremoniously and covertly heaped upon you!

 

[TJW]

I suspected it forever but was made to feel like an idiot.
I'm dropped like a hot potato.
She lied to me for 2 years
Dare I say I feel jealousy? The angry kind.
And the loneliness robs me of any peace.

If you suspected it? Then you aren't an "idiot"....
If you know she lied....Then you aren't an "idiot".....
Don't allow jealousy and anger and loneliness to keep you from life.
The best "revenge" is LIVING WELL.

Your wife is the "idiot"....she has ruined her own life with her lasciviousness and her sin.

Go find someone else, and enjoy. Forget about the skank.

 

[skerzoid]

1. You are still staying loyal to her and cannot consider other partners because that would feel like cheating on the "her" you believed she was.

2. Did you not play the "Dating Game" in High School and learn the facts of life about girls, "good ones" and "bad ones", get your heart broken? If not, you never got the immunity that many got from such experiences. Kind of like getting innoculated.

3. You are trying to recover from a broken heart. If it is the first time, you need to understand that it takes years to get over. Meeting other people and having fun with them is a good "medicine". Get out and meet people, take dancing lessons, go to "Parents Without Partners", an organization that helps people like yourself with social functions. Dating need not be romantic. Have fun with people. Being a hermit and contemplating your navel is not going to get you out of your funk.

4. Not to take your cheating wife's part, but she begged and pleaded with you. You rejected her. Now stand by your decision like a man. What, you expected her to pine for you for the rest of her life? Well, you got what you wanted and now feel cheated again. You know its time to move on and need a kick in the pants. Motivation can come in many ways. Be open to it.

 

[Rick Blaine]

@SuavieIsland,
You've gotten some really good feedback here, and I want to add a few things.

1) You are smart not to rush into another relationship right away. Your children need a parent who has both feet on solid ground. Their mother is acting like ho and setting a horrible example for them and also creating for them a life of instability. If she is currently seeing a lot of other men, I would press hard for custody of the children. You don't want them exposed to these other men, especially the little girl. What is your custody situation?

2) Make your children your primary focus right now, along with work, of course. Your children should replace your wife as your purpose in life, but you should also make sure you are living a happy and healthy life because this will be as good for them as it is for you. In addition to spending as much time as you can raising your children (and not surrendering that role just to her), you should find constructive things to do that make you happy. (Do you have family around to help with the kids when you are at work?)

3) In the divorce did you split the assets evenly? Why is she in the house and you are in the apartment? It should be the reverse for the sake of the kids since you are the stable parent.

4) Why don't you have split custody? In fact, if I were in your shoes, I'd attempt full physical custody based on her lifestyle. I was able to get full custody of mine when my wayward ex-wife was in a relationship with another man. That won't always be the case, but it's worth a try.

5) Once things have settled down, you can start dating again. But this is very important: be mindful of the kind of girls you date. Often people will date new people who fall into the same profile as the one who betrayed them. It is important to date women who have a strong moral character, otherwise, this will happen again.

 

[Sauvie Island]

So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn.
I THINK this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
Here's my issue:
My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.

Her telling of the past year is, 'I rejected her impassioned pleas to reconcile, which I did although not always easy, so she went looking for attention and love from others. But this was her only option because her TRUE love rejected her. She has always only ever wanted me, albeit, a 'me' that is more loving and attentive.'

Our three children are what kills me. I see them semi-often, sleep-overs w me, fun, etc. Always the highlight of my week.
I want nothing more than to save them, to be there like I used to be, with them. Almost to the point that I'm willing to agree to a second shot with a woman I don't really feel anything for, much less trust.
The kids would hurt greatly if I moved off and I wonder if that wouldn't weigh horribly on me, affecting my new life.

I wonder if their may be imbalances within myself or something...I'm embarrassed to even post this.

 

[Rob_1]

There's a lot of people in this world like you. It is like a cookie cutter. You let your emotions rule your life. It is like some sort of high that keep you mopping and on a continuos self pity.

You need to snap out that, and get stronger with the business of controlling your emotions.

You would be a fool if you would to take her back. Get some self respect, and grow a pair.

 

[UpsideDownWorld11]

So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn.
I THINK this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
Here's my issue:
My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.

Her telling of the past year is, 'I rejected her impassioned pleas to reconcile, which I did although not always easy, so she went looking for attention and love from others. But this was her only option because her TRUE love rejected her. She has always only ever wanted me, albeit, a 'me' that is more loving and attentive.'

Our three children are what kills me. I see them semi-often, sleep-overs w me, fun, etc. Always the highlight of my week.
I want nothing more than to save them, to be there like I used to be, with them. Almost to the point that I'm willing to agree to a second shot with a woman I don't really feel anything for, much less trust.
The kids would hurt greatly if I moved off and I wonder if that wouldn't weigh horribly on me, affecting my new life.

I wonder if their may be imbalances within myself or something...I'm embarrassed to even post this.

Of course, its your fault...you weren't giving her enough attention so her only option was jump in bed with other men and nuke a family. I think every guy that has ever been cheated on has been fed that. Being with a cheating wife and accepting the dishonorable life as a **** isn't the way to go. She will cheat again, she did it to you and others, it will keep happening. Nothing good there for you. You need to get your **** together, though. If you want to see your kids more, get a job, not several hours away and go get 50/50 custody. Stop putting your life on hold for some skank.

 

[BarbedFenceRider]

So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn.
I THINK this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
Here's my issue:
My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.

Her telling of the past year is, 'I rejected her impassioned pleas to reconcile, which I did although not always easy, so she went looking for attention and love from others. But this was her only option because her TRUE love rejected her. She has always only ever wanted me, albeit, a 'me' that is more loving and attentive.'

Our three children are what kills me. I see them semi-often, sleep-overs w me, fun, etc. Always the highlight of my week.
I want nothing more than to save them, to be there like I used to be, with them. Almost to the point that I'm willing to agree to a second shot with a woman I don't really feel anything for, much less trust.
The kids would hurt greatly if I moved off and I wonder if that wouldn't weigh horribly on me, affecting my new life.

I wonder if their may be imbalances within myself or something...I'm embarrassed to even post this.

Nope.....Just nope! Your kids are WAAAAY better off without 2 lousy parents living in the same roof. Be better than that. YOU need to live well, away from her. She is trying to throw the meat hooks into you because of your co-dependency. Don't fall for it. She is a serial cheater and probably a plethora of other psych. terms that could be used interchangeably. She will always view you as the stable bill payer and kid babysitter. Not a husband and trusted lover. Nope. She gets ego kibbles from others and uses her sex to get it. Always will.

Your kids need a father that can be a role model that stands up for himself and NOT take the crap from other lousy human beings. Be good, show compassion where it is warranted. But do NOT become the doormat for this travesty....

 

[Tatsuhiko]

I'm guessing that none of the guys she shacked up with, both during your marriage and during your separation, we're willing to commit to her. She saw that you were the best financial option, so you're a good back-up plan for her. You can do better. Continue with the divorce, and then you can decide whether you want to even date her or not.

 

[honcho]

So, I've been offered a position a few hours away in Portland. This is a second chance, so to speak. After D-Day, mentally, I deteriorated and lost a nice paying software position. Not proud of that, but live and learn.
I THINK this would be a good move for me, that it would spark a needed change in my life, as well as, get me financially back on track because I lost most of all I had when I separated. Once again, not proud, but I allowed the infidelity to take way more from me than it should have.
Here's my issue:
My ex wants to reunite, move with me and start over together with the kids.

Her telling of the past year is, 'I rejected her impassioned pleas to reconcile, which I did although not always easy, so she went looking for attention and love from others. But this was her only option because her TRUE love rejected her. She has always only ever wanted me, albeit, a 'me' that is more loving and attentive.'

Our three children are what kills me. I see them semi-often, sleep-overs w me, fun, etc. Always the highlight of my week.
I want nothing more than to save them, to be there like I used to be, with them. Almost to the point that I'm willing to agree to a second shot with a woman I don't really feel anything for, much less trust.
The kids would hurt greatly if I moved off and I wonder if that wouldn't weigh horribly on me, affecting my new life.

I wonder if their may be imbalances within myself or something...I'm embarrassed to even post this.

Take the new job and dont take her back. Your trying to guilt yourself with the kid angle. Trying to tough it out for kids sake rarely ends well and with her lines of silliness and blaming you yet doesn't bode well for a successful reconciliation. In a couple years you'll end up in the same boat.