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I am trying to work out a way forward and hoping that sharing and asking for some other perspectives might help. Me and husband have been married for 4 years, together for 7. We have a 18 month old daughter and live near the majority of his family (mother and siblings, some have kids) but in another country to mine. To start of with the relationship with his family was good. His sister and younger brother call me their sister. And I enjoyed helping my MIL with things she needed, like practice driving to the airport (she doesn’t like motorways), getting new furniture for her house, helping with phone plans etc. We sadly lost FIL 5 years ago. To say that it was hugely upsetting for the whole family is an understatement. And I can’t imagine my MILs pain. He was such an amazing man. It is very sad that our DD never got to get to know him, but we chose her name i inspired by some of the things my FIL enjoyed in his life. It felt special to do that.
But since we had our DD my relationship with MIL (and his family) has become quite weird and I am quite upset by some of it. When we found out it was a girl she expressed disappointment to not take the family name forward. She then kept asking if we were going to take her name as the middle name (in the end we chose another name from her family as the middle name, felt like a nice gesture). Two months after our DD was born SIL and fam visited from Europe. Nearly daily husband and I walked 30 min each way to see them in MILs house and garden (we didn’t have a car at the time). I was struggling with BF at the time but whenever I tried to sit quietly to nurse family or kids would come in and I felt so self conscious about not managing it really. DD was hungry and upset! I felt like mine and DDs needs were really put last in all of this. The final straw was walking a screaming baby over there so that all the cousins could take a photo together. Now I think back I wonder why on earth I didn’t just stay home. But at the time his family were pressuring us to come over and I didn’t think twice. I though if I make the effort we can build a good close bond for us and DD. But I think since then we’ve just got in a bad rut. Was I being silly to expect them to see my needs as a new mum? Fast forward 1.5 years. We were recently at a family gathering and our daughter is very comfortable in new situations. She was off playing with her cousins most of the day but knew we were there if she needed us. On the train journey home we were with MIL, BIL and DDs cousins. DD wanted to sit with her cousins at their table. We said great and gave them some snacks to share. MIL then said loud enough for everyone (the whole train!) to hear “yes your parents are so boring, come sit with us”. 15/20 min later she said to BIL “look, she really doesn’t care about her parents (us)”.
I was so upset by this but really didn’t know how to respond. I’d felt proud of my DD being so secure and MIL really put a pin in that. Really early on in the pandemic husband and I respected the rules that said not to socialise etc where as MIL and her other two sons were seeing each other like normal. If we met MIL for a walk she would insist on touching our newborn. Once rules relaxed over x-mas 2020 MIL said some things like “I wonder if I will be allowed to hold her” about our DD. I felt like the priority should have been keeping the baby safe, not a cuddle for grandma. That time I gave her a call and said of course you can hold her but you have to understand I have had to chose not to see you so much because of the pandemic and if it wasn’t for that we would see you more. Another unexpected point of contention. Husband and I have decided to avoid plastic toys for DD but MIL keeps a collection of them (that she gets second hand, some with bite marks and all!) at her house and if husband visits on his own with DD she brings these out. Husband has now told her not to. I just really felt like she was trying to make him side with her and I feel unsure of what else, that I don’t agree with, she will do if I am not there. We have made arrangements (on MILs suggestion) for her to take DD to the library every week. Some weeks she does, other weeks we hear nothing from her. My husband has to chase it with her. Yet every time she sees our daughter she says “do you remember me”. We experience this as a hint she doesn’t get to see DD “enough”. Some weeks she rushes to the library and back in 45 min. Lately she has been saying things like “I just want to bring you home” to DD and asking my husband repeatedly for alone time at her house with DD. She’s asking husband if I still BF ie keeping her from taking DD home. MIL has 7 other grandchildren and this is not something that she has had with them at this age.
Frankly, we don’t need her to take DD and would rather spend time with her as a family. We do invite her over and have her for lunch, tea etc. All in all, with the way she is somehow this doesn’t feel enough for her. I suppose I wonder if it’s me she doesn’t want around… The other thing that happened recently is that my husband, his siblings and their mum did a secret Santa rather than buying each other presents individually. I was not invited to join. My husband asked if I could but it was concluded that only “original family” should be in this. Over Christmas I put my effort on making it magical for our daughter, of course it is not about the adults. But it still felt odd to be excluded like that. Is that a normal thing to do? Husband, DD and I had most of Christmas Day on our own (MIL does not want to host and gets stressed out by having too many ppl around hers) so we invited MIL and BILx2 over for food on Christmas Eve. We then hosted a Christmas Day morning when MIL, BIL and husband got to open their secret Santa presents. MIL rushed to open hers while I was making them tea.
Sorry, this is a rather long summary of the past 1.5 years with a lot of jumping back and forth! I’m just looking to understand what is going on and what I can do to make these relationships work. I want to avoid stress for husband and I and try and give DD a good relationship with her gran. At the bottom of all this I do like all my in-laws which is why I find this all rather confusing. Any advice?
But since we had our DD my relationship with MIL (and his family) has become quite weird and I am quite upset by some of it. When we found out it was a girl she expressed disappointment to not take the family name forward. She then kept asking if we were going to take her name as the middle name (in the end we chose another name from her family as the middle name, felt like a nice gesture). Two months after our DD was born SIL and fam visited from Europe. Nearly daily husband and I walked 30 min each way to see them in MILs house and garden (we didn’t have a car at the time). I was struggling with BF at the time but whenever I tried to sit quietly to nurse family or kids would come in and I felt so self conscious about not managing it really. DD was hungry and upset! I felt like mine and DDs needs were really put last in all of this. The final straw was walking a screaming baby over there so that all the cousins could take a photo together. Now I think back I wonder why on earth I didn’t just stay home. But at the time his family were pressuring us to come over and I didn’t think twice. I though if I make the effort we can build a good close bond for us and DD. But I think since then we’ve just got in a bad rut. Was I being silly to expect them to see my needs as a new mum? Fast forward 1.5 years. We were recently at a family gathering and our daughter is very comfortable in new situations. She was off playing with her cousins most of the day but knew we were there if she needed us. On the train journey home we were with MIL, BIL and DDs cousins. DD wanted to sit with her cousins at their table. We said great and gave them some snacks to share. MIL then said loud enough for everyone (the whole train!) to hear “yes your parents are so boring, come sit with us”. 15/20 min later she said to BIL “look, she really doesn’t care about her parents (us)”.
I was so upset by this but really didn’t know how to respond. I’d felt proud of my DD being so secure and MIL really put a pin in that. Really early on in the pandemic husband and I respected the rules that said not to socialise etc where as MIL and her other two sons were seeing each other like normal. If we met MIL for a walk she would insist on touching our newborn. Once rules relaxed over x-mas 2020 MIL said some things like “I wonder if I will be allowed to hold her” about our DD. I felt like the priority should have been keeping the baby safe, not a cuddle for grandma. That time I gave her a call and said of course you can hold her but you have to understand I have had to chose not to see you so much because of the pandemic and if it wasn’t for that we would see you more. Another unexpected point of contention. Husband and I have decided to avoid plastic toys for DD but MIL keeps a collection of them (that she gets second hand, some with bite marks and all!) at her house and if husband visits on his own with DD she brings these out. Husband has now told her not to. I just really felt like she was trying to make him side with her and I feel unsure of what else, that I don’t agree with, she will do if I am not there. We have made arrangements (on MILs suggestion) for her to take DD to the library every week. Some weeks she does, other weeks we hear nothing from her. My husband has to chase it with her. Yet every time she sees our daughter she says “do you remember me”. We experience this as a hint she doesn’t get to see DD “enough”. Some weeks she rushes to the library and back in 45 min. Lately she has been saying things like “I just want to bring you home” to DD and asking my husband repeatedly for alone time at her house with DD. She’s asking husband if I still BF ie keeping her from taking DD home. MIL has 7 other grandchildren and this is not something that she has had with them at this age.
Frankly, we don’t need her to take DD and would rather spend time with her as a family. We do invite her over and have her for lunch, tea etc. All in all, with the way she is somehow this doesn’t feel enough for her. I suppose I wonder if it’s me she doesn’t want around… The other thing that happened recently is that my husband, his siblings and their mum did a secret Santa rather than buying each other presents individually. I was not invited to join. My husband asked if I could but it was concluded that only “original family” should be in this. Over Christmas I put my effort on making it magical for our daughter, of course it is not about the adults. But it still felt odd to be excluded like that. Is that a normal thing to do? Husband, DD and I had most of Christmas Day on our own (MIL does not want to host and gets stressed out by having too many ppl around hers) so we invited MIL and BILx2 over for food on Christmas Eve. We then hosted a Christmas Day morning when MIL, BIL and husband got to open their secret Santa presents. MIL rushed to open hers while I was making them tea.
Sorry, this is a rather long summary of the past 1.5 years with a lot of jumping back and forth! I’m just looking to understand what is going on and what I can do to make these relationships work. I want to avoid stress for husband and I and try and give DD a good relationship with her gran. At the bottom of all this I do like all my in-laws which is why I find this all rather confusing. Any advice?