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Between March-June in the UK, we're we're under a lot of restrictions and due to a health issue, H was at home for the first 2 months, while I worked from home (Mon-Fri, 8-5). I started to return back to my office once covid-safe measures were put in place, then we heard the news that H could also return to work too (4 on, 4 off, 7-6) which he was thrilled about.
I have suffered with Depression for 22yrs and been on medication for 7yrs - H is fully aware. I use meditation techniques, reflection, body scanning and relaxation tools to keep me right and I manage really well on a day-to-day basis.
Back in mid-June I was beginning to feel lost, anxious, overwhelmingly sad and I wasn't finding any joy in anything - despite using my self-care techniques. So I opened up to H and let him know that I felt my depression was kicking in.
I wasn't expecting what happened next.
(Thank you for sticking with me so far)
The following day H was obviously feeling down and sad - now both of us are supportive of each others mental health; we all have bad days and we know to just leave one another to have some space - so I asked him how he was, just to 'check in', and he started to get really upset.
To cut a long conversation short, here's the summary of what he said:
We cried a lot, I comforted him, reminded him that lockdown is tough and yes we have had to spend more together because we couldn't do anything else - but I understand the need for time on our own etc.
The following day (Monday) he left the house at 7am and didn't come back until 6:30pm -I had to work from home, but I really was in no fit state as my anxiety was through the roof and very tearful. I let my line manager know what was happening.
I phoned H at lunchtime to see if he was OK, but he didn't pick up my call. I didnt attempt to contact him again. I had no idea where he'd gone, I was really worried, but daren't try to get hold of him again.
What would you have done?
The situation didn't get much better after this... Lots of conversations, lots of crying, marriage counselling? separation? H refused MC point blank, and his response to separation was 'What's that going to achieve!?'
Needless to say I found myself, not only trying to keep myself from drowning, but also counselling H - I had to point out that I couldn't counsel the both of us.
The next few weeks saw H driving off to countryside/coastal locations on his days off from work - he'd leave the house, I wouldn't hear from him, and he'd return 7hrs later - I was NOT welcome to try to contact him.
The conclusion he drew at this point was that he didn't want to end our relationship and lose everything we had together. So we agreed... although everything that had been said was whirring around in my head - especially what H had said about me - but in his mind this issue was dealt with and closed.
Unfortunately this is, and the pressures at work (Healthcare), led to me thinking about taking my own life - don't worry, I'm OK now and have appropriate services helping me - My Dr encouraged me to tell H. Obviously this was a great shock to him, he said he hadn't realised how ill I was.
He went very quiet, we went to bed, he rejected my hugs and refused to speak to me.
I understood he was just trying to process this information, so I left him alone.
The next morning I told him that this wasn't his fault, that I'm ill and struggling - his reaction was that of relief.
He left the house again for 5hrs... I panicked and called the Samaritans for help - I was catastrophising in my highly anxious state.
I don't expect anyone to 'fix' my situation, I'm trying to do that now with the help of professional counselling, but I'm curious as to how you would have reacted, from either point of view? (If you've managed to read this far without switching off)
I don't have a friendship network to talk to about marriage/relationship issues, so that's why I'm here.
Thank you 🌹
I have suffered with Depression for 22yrs and been on medication for 7yrs - H is fully aware. I use meditation techniques, reflection, body scanning and relaxation tools to keep me right and I manage really well on a day-to-day basis.
Back in mid-June I was beginning to feel lost, anxious, overwhelmingly sad and I wasn't finding any joy in anything - despite using my self-care techniques. So I opened up to H and let him know that I felt my depression was kicking in.
I wasn't expecting what happened next.
(Thank you for sticking with me so far)
The following day H was obviously feeling down and sad - now both of us are supportive of each others mental health; we all have bad days and we know to just leave one another to have some space - so I asked him how he was, just to 'check in', and he started to get really upset.
To cut a long conversation short, here's the summary of what he said:
- Didn't know what he wanted anymore
- Didn't find me attractive anymore
- He said we live in each others pockets too much
- I'm a burden on him
- I can't go on long rambling walks with him (I have mobility problems and I also hate walking with him because he's always 6ft infront of me, and makes walks longer routes just to annoy me and it's also a trigger from my childhood - another long story - H knows about all of this)
- Looking back, I shouldn't have moved counties to be with him (15yrs ago)
- We shouldn't have got married
We cried a lot, I comforted him, reminded him that lockdown is tough and yes we have had to spend more together because we couldn't do anything else - but I understand the need for time on our own etc.
The following day (Monday) he left the house at 7am and didn't come back until 6:30pm -I had to work from home, but I really was in no fit state as my anxiety was through the roof and very tearful. I let my line manager know what was happening.
I phoned H at lunchtime to see if he was OK, but he didn't pick up my call. I didnt attempt to contact him again. I had no idea where he'd gone, I was really worried, but daren't try to get hold of him again.
What would you have done?
The situation didn't get much better after this... Lots of conversations, lots of crying, marriage counselling? separation? H refused MC point blank, and his response to separation was 'What's that going to achieve!?'
Needless to say I found myself, not only trying to keep myself from drowning, but also counselling H - I had to point out that I couldn't counsel the both of us.
The next few weeks saw H driving off to countryside/coastal locations on his days off from work - he'd leave the house, I wouldn't hear from him, and he'd return 7hrs later - I was NOT welcome to try to contact him.
The conclusion he drew at this point was that he didn't want to end our relationship and lose everything we had together. So we agreed... although everything that had been said was whirring around in my head - especially what H had said about me - but in his mind this issue was dealt with and closed.
Unfortunately this is, and the pressures at work (Healthcare), led to me thinking about taking my own life - don't worry, I'm OK now and have appropriate services helping me - My Dr encouraged me to tell H. Obviously this was a great shock to him, he said he hadn't realised how ill I was.
He went very quiet, we went to bed, he rejected my hugs and refused to speak to me.
I understood he was just trying to process this information, so I left him alone.
The next morning I told him that this wasn't his fault, that I'm ill and struggling - his reaction was that of relief.
He left the house again for 5hrs... I panicked and called the Samaritans for help - I was catastrophising in my highly anxious state.
I don't expect anyone to 'fix' my situation, I'm trying to do that now with the help of professional counselling, but I'm curious as to how you would have reacted, from either point of view? (If you've managed to read this far without switching off)
I don't have a friendship network to talk to about marriage/relationship issues, so that's why I'm here.
Thank you 🌹
